subs, whats in it for you?

Foreverbunny91 · Dec 1, 2011

TerribleT said:
I was going to mention this but it seemed a little redundant.
It's seldom you meet someone and trust them immediately and completely.
Intimacy is one thing but you could be entrusting your very life to someone you don't know that well.
Even that is usually an afterthought to the idea of exposing your emotional underbelly. A douche bag partner could really hurt you really really bad!

Agreed! I'd definitely make sure someone is NOT a douche before I let them chain me up and use torture devices on me... And that almost applies moreso for emotional vulnerability. Granted, the opposite end of this is also bad- you don't want to end up like me in a relationship with so many walls built up to protect myself that it makes intimacy difficult... But I also guess that preventing those walls from going up also would require a certain level of self protection. All about finding balance!

JettOnly · Dec 2, 2011

Mentioning trust isnt redundent

I have read about it so much but I didnt realise just how much more difficult this is - how your mind just dosent quit chucking up doubts that normally wouldnt bother me at all
So anyone in the same place as I was trust is way more important than you think it is
From all the advice I had seen I had followed everything - meeting first for a short meeting, then a longer meeting. We texted about every day for 3 months and spoke about things loads

I always like to try and understand why people do the things they do and actually I dont think he is a douche - although it sounds that way
Thinking about the big different between 'nilla him and dom him - I think someone is trying hard to fill the roll he thinks he should have - if that makes sense?

So I was trying to be the correct sub and him the correct dom -sheesh
and neither of us had any clue about the mental aspect of the whole thing

I am guessing the person he was with before enjoyed pain/was confident enough to not be needing aftercare - or it was something they built up to in a relationship

I might be really wrong - but it kind of makes sense to me.

Bunny I agree, like all things there needs to be a balance

Thank you all. If I step back from this and forget its me its happening to it is a really interesting study in human psycology

RopeRanger · Dec 2, 2011

Jett,
Some things you have said have struck a chord.

it is a really interesting study in human psycology

Previously mentioning trust: from where I stand the psychological aspect requires just as much or more trust from my partner than the sexuality. When we are together I will be messing about in their head. Iâ€™ve been told deep secrets and fantasies which by their very nature are taboo and which I will be attempting to fulfill. I plan on putting my partner into an altered psychological state where they release their inhibitions and break those taboos. In some cases this can be akin to ripping a emotional Band-Aid off their psyche. Depending on how things play out, how aftercare is approached, the depth of the taboo, any fluctuations in their trust; how close we dance at the edge of their hard limits; all of these factor into sub drop.

Thinking about the big different between 'nilla him and dom him - I think someone is trying hard to fill the roll he thinks he should have - if that makes sense?

So I was trying to be the correct sub and him the correct dom -sheesh
and neither of us had any clue about the mental aspect of the whole thing

Someplace recently I saw a discussion of how we present ourselves in our vanilla lives and what indication others may see of our kinky sides. (Unfortunately Iâ€™ve spent >10 hours at the computer working today; my brain is mush and canâ€™t seem to wrap up a coherent search to find it on the forum)

I think you may have hit the target here. It may be that is still trying to exorcise control outside of the bedroom or heâ€™s still trying to define himself, or maybe heâ€™s trying to present a facade of how he believes a Dom should act. If he was previously in a sub relationship it may be that heâ€™s still trying to define his Dom self. Which makes me wonder if heâ€™s not experiencing some form of, for lack of a better term, sub drop himself.. .Something like the remorse felt by Doms who have pushed their subs past a hard limit, lost their subâ€™s trust, or injured them.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, since he is trying to switch rolls, hopefully heâ€™s just trying to get his own head straight and you guys can start discussing what happened and what you can learn about yourselves and how/if you can improve the relationship.

-ranger

Foreverbunny91 · Dec 2, 2011

I was sort of coming to the same conclusion, but I was honestly scared of a "Oh, no you didn't just support a woman being with an asshole!" type reaction I have gotten in giving advice on Yahoo! answers... But I fear much less of that there, since I'm not attempting to keep good relations with fellow members- I'm just trying to help another person out.

So with that said, I think you are doing a good job of thinking for yourself. I never really realized how much BDSM messes with your psyche until now. I always wondered why I didn't feel like I'd ever be a good dom with anyone other than my current partner or why my boyfriend seems to fully be dominate over me. After reading more into things, I have come to the same conclusion as you. Hmmm... So that's why being a dom takes practice! LOL.

I have also noticed in MANY other situations where someone goes too far with their "role." You need to know a little about social sciences to know fully what I'm talking about, but I think he may be experiencing what would be labeled "role conflict." I'm not talking about BDSM type roles- I'm talking about every day type roles. Manager, teacher, lover, parent- and dom would also fall under that. Perhaps his role as a dom is conflicting with his role as a lover and friend. He probably thinks that you want him to be very dominate over being a friend- but he hurt you and like Ranger said, perhaps this is hurting him, because his role as a friend is conflicting with his role as your dom.

I wouldn't advise that you prod and expect that he will tell you that this is the case if this really is the case... Of course you should talk about it, but don't expect him to pour out every thought and feeling to you, as he may not have even yet grasped what's going on. And not to stereotype, but guys tend to not want to talk about emotions. It's the way most young boys are socialized.

JettOnly · Dec 2, 2011

RR, you make a whole lot of sense
Im trying to look back over the weekend and (unemotionally) analyse things so i get an idea of my limits
I am struggling recalling everything and the order of events, which I guess is natural if you are in an altered mental state
i think on the 1st day it was about 6-8 scenes - which was most likely about 5 hours
which i can only imagine was physically draining for both of us, I dont know what is 'normal' but clearly that was too much for me

to be fair although i was very much struggling with the pain I think if it had been followed by something nice then i would have started to enjoy it and been able to look back on it better
because on of the most difficult and painful scenes involved my (very real) claustriphobia, and tho it was amazingly difficult it was followed by some enjoyable (for me) play so i look back on that one really positivly
So i can see how a person could be taken to some very difficult places if afterwards they are supported and built back up again then the fears and doubts that happen during a drop would be much less
I also see how much of a responsibility it is for a person if they are going to be getting into someones head like that, it takes a person with good understanding and a strong person to do that - not just someone who 'finds it a bit hot to have someone do everything they tell them to'
Very interesting, actually it must be an amazing feeling once you understand that to have someone trust you enough to do that. Thats pretty special

I decided the easiest way to communicate was via txt as he was just not up for phoning me - and to be fair he was good at answering my questions.
Basically he has only ever done this before with one person - who he was in a relationship with
He has no idea what her experience before was
He has never heard of sub drop or subspace but aftercare was where his mistress brought him down and took care of him
He dosent think he did enough of that with me but he dosent know why
He says he enjoyed all areas of our play and there isnt anything that he wouldnt want to be doing again (I asked that because playing with a partner in the past (nilla) I do remember a point where he was in a very submissive type state and it actually turned me off a bit (I like strong men!) I didnt let on and just moved things on - but it was something that came to mind - something may seem like a good idea but when you actually do it it isnt so good)

I am afraid to admit at that point in the conversation I found out that while he was to busy at work/sleeping/out of mins on his phone to call me he had been arranging next week of work to fly to another city to party with a female friend of his
I kinda got mad at him at that point

bunny

thank you. I read your advice after I had quizzed him - so sorry
But dont worry about being flamed

I like to try and understand why people do what they do, I dont think anyone is an asshole - just that they might treat someone like one for all sorts of reasons - and of course sometimes those reasons mean its right for the person to run away fast!

In this case I imagine it is pretty freaky for how all over the place I have been lately, from his point of view we were just having a bit of fun and suddenly I have turned into crazy clingy needy bunny boiler
I can look into it and see it is not me, not what I am like, unexpected, but not something I can help

But I guess it is not fair of me really, I didnt know to expect this so its not fair that I expected him to expect or understand it.

Wow interesting how much you learn about yourself on an internet forum!!

Foreverbunny91 · Dec 3, 2011

If he answered your questions than quizzing obviously worked!! It was a "Warning: This MIGHT turn out badly if he's a certain type of person" more than a "OMIGOD JETT IF YOU DO THAT IT'S GOING TO BE BAD OMGEEEEEEZ!" type thing. LOL.

Glad you guys talked! Gosh, I know this may sound fucked up, but there's seriously a good side to fighting, having your feelings hurt by your partner, etc- and that's the good, fuzzy, relaxing feeling you get from talking about it, coming up with a solution and learning more about one another... The make-up sex isn't to bad either XD LOL.

subs, whats in it for you?

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