Subs/Slaves Advice?

SexBunny · Jan 24, 2010

I'm relatively new to the BDSM lifestyle and my Sir and I are jumping right in. I've always been submissive, but we're trying to work our way to master/slave. I'm having trouble with my attitude even though this is what I want. I've always wanted to be independent, but that's REALLY not who I am. Lol. I want to be Sir's slave, but I need help to make the transition from Vanilla to Slave. Does anyone have any advice? He's a fantastic Master, but I'm having trouble following the rules. Lol.
Also, sometimes I feel alone because I don't have any sub support and I don't think he understands how hard it is for me to give myself completely to him. We've been together for years and are to be married. He knows me, but he doesn't understand that it is a lot of work for me to give myself COMPLETELY to him. I do trust him, I just have a wall of my independence fantasy that's standing in the way. Help?

Master of puppies · Jan 24, 2010

Hello Bunny, and welcome.

You will find loads of advice and subbie friends here to help you. My girl is 'Obedient little puppy' and I can tell you, she gets way above her station on occasion, but this is normally soon resolved.

So, don't think there is 'perfect' way to be, just be there for each other, talk, discuss, respect, and I'm sure everything will fall into place. Good luck, keep posting.

kittengrey · Jan 24, 2010

Unfortunately I think this is every new sub's first hurdle to get over. Truthfully, I am pretty independent myself, but since Master is also my husband-to-be, and love comes first, he lets me have my out-of-lifestyle moments. A big thing is communication. Make sure you both know what the other wants, and if either of you are having a problem with the lifestyle or something the other is doing, talk about it. Without communication, things get hard.
Another thing is time. Everyone is born with a free will, it takes time to train yourself to give yourself to someone completely. My Master, as I have said in a few forums on here, took training to be a Master. Basically he was a Master's apprentice for a few years, learning a lot of I don't even know what, but he follows what he learned. Like the 20-level punishment; basically each punishment I receive is the next level. I never got past level one, since level two starts involving fears, and he knows mine -shutters- Anyway, the best thing for you to do is try and take your time. Do a little more each day, and if there's ever a problem, bring it up to your Sir.
And for the thing on punishments, make sure he's not ruling you by fear. I'll admit, that I'm terrified of Master only because I can't imagine what he's capable of, but I know its not pretty. Being motivated by fear is a very bad thing, because then there's no fun in it. The big thing is that, as a slave/sub, you need to find enjoyment in serving, and serve because you want to feel the joy of just that. To serve is a reward in itself, and once you can feel rewarded just by being submissive, then it will be easy to give yourself more and more.
Very last thing, which is a obvious but I'm saying it anyways, is trust and respect. You have to trust each other, he has to trust that you will behave and do the best you can, and you have to trust that he will take care of you and not use you. You both have to respect each other and your titles.
So, welcome to the forums, and good luck.

SexBunny · Jan 25, 2010

Thank you both for the responses. It was great advice. And Sir and I are both very trusting of eachother and I know that he doesn't mean to upset me when I feel like I'm being treated like a child. And he really is a fantastic Sir. I'm the issue. Lol. I just can't seem to get passed that first hurdle. I'm really trying though and this IS what I want. My mind is just a huge block for me because it's telling me that I need to be independent and not let a man control my life. I also have extreme abandonment issues, so like.. I HAD to be independent and it's just really hard to revert back and learn to give myself up again. I think all I really need is support and someone to talk to when it starts to get hard, other than Sir. Sir understands my issues and that it's hard for me and tries his best to accommodate me and get me passed it, my problem is just letting him. Lol. Is there any advice you could give that would maybe help Sir help me?
And what was that 20-level punishment thing you were talking about, Kittengrey?

EZRA · Jan 25, 2010

Be patient with your self.
I know about abandonment issues.
In time you will learn how to drop the wall and let your self relax.
I would feel like I had to be alone, didn't trust any one with my real feelings ,least of all my parents.
Your waiting to get left again, so your holding on to your "independence" like a life line.
It's not what you want, it's what you feel you have to do.
It takes time for us to feel safe , But the only way forward is to let go.
Its still hard for me, I have had my heart riped out many times.
not all of them were real.
But the only way I have made progress with my Mistress is to trust her, to care for me.
To let go of my fears. (still working on it by the way).
It's fear that your holding on to, that keeps you from submitting compleatly.

kittengrey · Jan 25, 2010

the 20-level punishment system is the system my master uses for punishments. Basically, my first punishment is a level 1 punishment. Each punishment I receive afterward is the next level. But, since he was an apprentice, he learned some pretty heavy stuff. So far I only got in trouble enough to get a punishment once, so I never got to level 2 yet. Level 2 starts incorporating fears. Higher levels, around level 10, start including bone breaking. The punishment system is extreme and is only used by the Masters who learned it, since they themselves actually get taught each level as well as getting a sample themselves.
Though, I can't tell anymore details since that's all I know myself. He's only allowed to let me know so much, or else I'll know whats coming.
But, every Master/Mistress differs, and every lifestyle relationship adopts their own punishment system depending on the people in the relationship.

SexBunny · Jan 25, 2010

Oh wow, that's hardcore. Lol.
Yeah, sure and I aren't into hardcore pain, some slapping is welcomed. We're not into humiliation either. It's definitely gotten easier to deal with though since I joined this site. Thanks, guys. I'm sorry if I ever get QQ, this is just where I come to vent. ^^

HisSlave · Jan 27, 2010

You're not into pain or humiliation? Well that just sounds like a terrible life for a sub SexBunny! Haha. No. But really, I have been in the lifestyle for about 2 years now and I definitely had my share of trouble learning to submit. (My ass still hurts from the memories!) My parents raised me to be a very independent woman and I never knew I had such a strong submissive side until I explored it with one of my exes. Now he's gone but the lifestyle is here to stay! In my early days with Master things seemed to be moving so quickly and I had trouble keeping up with all of his demands. I was getting punished right and left. It also took time getting used to interrupting whatever I was doing to obey an order He made. In truth, the beginning of my service to Him was very rocky and I tried to reassert myself as independent on numerous occasions (All of them turned out painfully). In the end though, I learned to listen to that voice in the back of my mind that always felt bad when I disobeyed Master. I know now that it has always been there I just covered it up with everything I had been taught to be. Now I know that I am what I was meant to be. Hope this helps!!!

Much love!

SexBunny · Jan 28, 2010

You and I seem like we're in the same boat (er, you're past self, really). Our relationship isn't rocky, but our S/M relationship is simply because I always wanted to be independent, even though that's not who I'll EVER be. Lol. I'm a sub at heart, I just have to work on getting that passed my independent streak. Lol.

HisSlave · Jan 29, 2010

Yeah it's pretty hard. It gets easier with time though. You basically have to learn that you are going to be outside of your comfort zone in the beginning, but you'll definitely learn to get used to it. I knew that I wanted to submit and everytime I mastered a new aspect of it I felt more loved and closer to Master. Eventually he could introduce a new rule and I would actually enjoy carrying out His new orders. It was all very exciting. If you want to talk more to me about this (I know how hard it can be and I had a plethora of sub friends I was able to talk to) you can email me at [email protected]. I don't know how often I'll respond since Master limits my access to the computer, but I'm sure He'd be all for me helping another lovely woman into submission!

Subs/Slaves Advice?

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