subs, whats in it for you?

JettOnly

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Sorry I'm using you guys but I know I'm not in a rational state of mind to talk to anyone irl, I know I will say stuff I mean right now but won't mean tomorow

After a little phone play the other day I'm dropping again
And I have to say I'm failing to see the point

At this stage in a vanilla relationship I would be all fuzzy, sweaty, happy bundle of wrapped up limbs with another person who we had both spent long exciting hours learning what floats each others boats

I feel cheeted out of that when I'm sad lonely confused and insecure

I don't like pain, I get a kind of high from pride/relief when it ends
But a wee 'good girl' a hug then back to watching tv. Or being fucked then he heads off to work?

What do you get out of this? Is this all there is?
 
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Smallest

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I never really get sub drop, so I can't help you much with that, but have you thought that maybe you're not getting the right aftercare? There's a big section on it in the FAQ, but to summarize, where some subs are good with a hug and keep going with their lives, others need to debrief the play, or have a warm bath and some food, or cuddle, or any combination of those to make them feel better and avoid sub drop.
 
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TerribleT

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I think you're feeling you're not getting what you need.
If you know what you need, then ask. If you don't, then you could talk with your partner on it. Said partner may have some insights. Although, it's hard for me to fathom how he could totally miss your obvious...I dunno....dejection?
Still, he may have your answer. And if he really doesn't know that you're dropping, you should say something.
Don't know if this helps but I feel for you and I hope you can get some satisfaction.
 
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JettOnly

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Thankyou for your answers. He has never answered the phone when I called him, I did try earlier today but he didn't answer
Yesterday he was texting me telling me stuff to do and stuff, I told him I wasn't feeling in a good place for it and needed some time to be me (we had both only agreed to play anyway, not lifestyle) he said he totaly understood
But then when he is playing Dom he txts me all the time he barely spoke after that

Later today I was prob pretty dumb but I txt him and said that I didn't think I could do this any more
And I haven't heard a thing back, I know he is about cos he is on facebook (and I hate being the type of person who even does something like that, I'm not usual so wet and it is making me so angry)

He lives a long way away. But when we met up before we began talking about bdsm thing he was just so lovely, and strangly enough made me feel all sub without trying (if that makes any sense)
But meeting after agreeing to try the d/s thing and (to me it felt) after a scene he couldn't wait to be off doing other things, and when we cuddled it was more like he was tolerating me cuddling but not really wanting too

Sorry to rant guys, I'm very private and would not talk to any of my friends about this
 
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TerribleT

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Sorry to rant guys, I'm very private and would not talk to any of my friends about this

Don't feel like you're burdening us with your problems....please!
I, for one, am happy to listen. Of course, it's hard to talk with friends about this stuff unless you have very very special friends.

Many times, on this forum, it is suggested that your partner may not be a good match for you. This may be one more thread like that. You have to open some sort of dialogue before you can make that call. Or try to open one at least. If your partner won't discuss this with you, then he clearly doesn't intend to give any more then he has and if that isn't enough for you, then that's your answer.

Good luck and, again, don't feel like you're boring anyone by venting while you search for advice.
 
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So, I probably won't be of any help (I totally had to Google sub drop right now), but I would just like to say, speaking for myself and most likely most people on this forum, that you don't have to worry about burdening us. In the things that I've posted, you were always very helpful... And TBH, I'm more than happy helping people "deal with their problems."

I can't speak for the BDSM part of this, but in a relationship, you can ask for anything you want to. You can't expect that person to give it to you, but you can ask. (With the exception of changing the way that person feels- it's not fair to ask for stuff like that.) So, if I were you, here's what I would do.

First of all, you need to calm down and get yourself under control. (I've had a LOT of experience with this, so this is something I CAN give good advice on, and I will later in this post.) Then, you should sit down and think about EXACTLY what you want. And I mean EXACTLY. If you want him to show compassion concern and caring after a session, for example, you need to think about HOW that looks and what EXACTLY he would do. For me, that would mean holding me, caressing my hair and telling me how much said person loved me. If you're going to tell him you need something, the worst thing to do is to not know exactly what you need... And just to warn you, he might not *want* to cuddle with you, but you cannot ask him to want to do that. You can ask him to do it a certain way or to hide his discontentment with it, but you can't ask him to want to do it.

To deal with your feelings, you first need to calm down for a moment. I'm guessing you are (or were) experiencing some anxiety. I know it's cliche, but deep breathing works. There's actually a science to it, but I can't really remember how my counselor said it worked. Just believe me- it works. Then relax your muscles and adjust your posture. Broaden your shoulders and open up your chest. Also, things like drinking chamomile, taking a relaxing bath, meditation, tensing/relaxing you muscles one by one, exercising, etc. (I don't advise "getting out your anger" on a pillow or whatever for various reasons, but if it makes you feel better, go ahead.) Just get yourself overall calm. Then you are ready to do some critical thinking and healthy self talk. To deal with your feelings, you really have to embrace them. It might help to write them down... But just realize that they are not permanent. (I've permanized some of my feelings via keeping them in a journal, so I just thought I'd warn you.) Then talk to yourself about why you are feeling this way. If you are feeling any extreme emotions that you realize are irrational (I believe you were, since you mentioned that ATM you were not rational), do some healthy self talk. (If you do not know what this is, Google it- it's also called "positive self talk.")

And when I can't get ahold of my BF and I'm freaking out about something and feel like I'm going over the edge, I just try to forget about him and basically pretend he's gone and it doesn't matter. I know this probably is extremely unhealthy, but I suffer from major insecurity issues to the point where I used to get panic attacks when he wouldn't answer the phone or stayed late at work- I'm better now but it still happens. IDK why, but doing that has always helped me get through it and I've prevented myself from doing some pretty stupid stuff that way.

So that's really all I got... I hope it helps. Feel free to message me! Doubt I'll do much good, but I'm always up for listening and *attempting* to help:)
 
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JettOnly

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Thankyou all. Foreverbunny thankyou so much for taking the time for that. I will work tru it today
Last week I actually found the fluffy blankets and chocolate was making me worse and I began to feel better after I had painted all my doorframes
Yesterday tho I just couldn't motivate myself to do much of anything, and being that weak was making me angry at myself which was making it worse

I think I have figured out its just really too much too soon. I am not really all that sub, just a kind of bedroom thing, and anything I have done in the past has been in a strong relationship where we loved and trusted each other

It's a totally different thing to do it right at the start, so that makes doubts 100 times bigger for me
I guess I need to build up trust and belief someone cares about me and my wellfare way before a scene

I really appreciate the time you have all taken, honestly I'm not usually a wet hen :)

And he called me today saying he was sorry but he had been put on medication that totally wiped him out
He's gonna call again after work
I feel pretty stupid, but I guess we do need to talk
 
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