subs, whats in it for you?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by JettOnly, Nov 27, 2011.

  1. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Sorry I'm using you guys but I know I'm not in a rational state of mind to talk to anyone irl, I know I will say stuff I mean right now but won't mean tomorow

    After a little phone play the other day I'm dropping again
    And I have to say I'm failing to see the point

    At this stage in a vanilla relationship I would be all fuzzy, sweaty, happy bundle of wrapped up limbs with another person who we had both spent long exciting hours learning what floats each others boats

    I feel cheeted out of that when I'm sad lonely confused and insecure

    I don't like pain, I get a kind of high from pride/relief when it ends
    But a wee 'good girl' a hug then back to watching tv. Or being fucked then he heads off to work?

    What do you get out of this? Is this all there is?
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  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    I never really get sub drop, so I can't help you much with that, but have you thought that maybe you're not getting the right aftercare? There's a big section on it in the FAQ, but to summarize, where some subs are good with a hug and keep going with their lives, others need to debrief the play, or have a warm bath and some food, or cuddle, or any combination of those to make them feel better and avoid sub drop.
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  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Jett, Smallest is right. You need some aftercare to help you through your sub drop. Call your dom and ask for some attention that doesn't involve you being submissive. Your dom has an obligation to make sure you're ok.
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  4. TerribleT

    TerribleT Member

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    I think you're feeling you're not getting what you need.
    If you know what you need, then ask. If you don't, then you could talk with your partner on it. Said partner may have some insights. Although, it's hard for me to fathom how he could totally miss your obvious...I dunno....dejection?
    Still, he may have your answer. And if he really doesn't know that you're dropping, you should say something.
    Don't know if this helps but I feel for you and I hope you can get some satisfaction.
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  5. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Thankyou for your answers. He has never answered the phone when I called him, I did try earlier today but he didn't answer
    Yesterday he was texting me telling me stuff to do and stuff, I told him I wasn't feeling in a good place for it and needed some time to be me (we had both only agreed to play anyway, not lifestyle) he said he totaly understood
    But then when he is playing Dom he txts me all the time he barely spoke after that

    Later today I was prob pretty dumb but I txt him and said that I didn't think I could do this any more
    And I haven't heard a thing back, I know he is about cos he is on facebook (and I hate being the type of person who even does something like that, I'm not usual so wet and it is making me so angry)

    He lives a long way away. But when we met up before we began talking about bdsm thing he was just so lovely, and strangly enough made me feel all sub without trying (if that makes any sense)
    But meeting after agreeing to try the d/s thing and (to me it felt) after a scene he couldn't wait to be off doing other things, and when we cuddled it was more like he was tolerating me cuddling but not really wanting too

    Sorry to rant guys, I'm very private and would not talk to any of my friends about this
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  6. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    You hve to have a talk with him about this, because even if the aftercare wasn't a problem, he isn't acting as though he cares so much outside of dominating you. That's not necessarily the case, obviously, but it's why you have to talk about it.
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  7. TerribleT

    TerribleT Member

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    Don't feel like you're burdening us with your problems....please!
    I, for one, am happy to listen. Of course, it's hard to talk with friends about this stuff unless you have very very special friends.

    Many times, on this forum, it is suggested that your partner may not be a good match for you. This may be one more thread like that. You have to open some sort of dialogue before you can make that call. Or try to open one at least. If your partner won't discuss this with you, then he clearly doesn't intend to give any more then he has and if that isn't enough for you, then that's your answer.

    Good luck and, again, don't feel like you're boring anyone by venting while you search for advice.
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    I hope all went better today, and am interested to hear how it went?!?!
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    So, I probably won't be of any help (I totally had to Google sub drop right now), but I would just like to say, speaking for myself and most likely most people on this forum, that you don't have to worry about burdening us. In the things that I've posted, you were always very helpful... And TBH, I'm more than happy helping people "deal with their problems."

    I can't speak for the BDSM part of this, but in a relationship, you can ask for anything you want to. You can't expect that person to give it to you, but you can ask. (With the exception of changing the way that person feels- it's not fair to ask for stuff like that.) So, if I were you, here's what I would do.

    First of all, you need to calm down and get yourself under control. (I've had a LOT of experience with this, so this is something I CAN give good advice on, and I will later in this post.) Then, you should sit down and think about EXACTLY what you want. And I mean EXACTLY. If you want him to show compassion concern and caring after a session, for example, you need to think about HOW that looks and what EXACTLY he would do. For me, that would mean holding me, caressing my hair and telling me how much said person loved me. If you're going to tell him you need something, the worst thing to do is to not know exactly what you need... And just to warn you, he might not *want* to cuddle with you, but you cannot ask him to want to do that. You can ask him to do it a certain way or to hide his discontentment with it, but you can't ask him to want to do it.

    To deal with your feelings, you first need to calm down for a moment. I'm guessing you are (or were) experiencing some anxiety. I know it's cliche, but deep breathing works. There's actually a science to it, but I can't really remember how my counselor said it worked. Just believe me- it works. Then relax your muscles and adjust your posture. Broaden your shoulders and open up your chest. Also, things like drinking chamomile, taking a relaxing bath, meditation, tensing/relaxing you muscles one by one, exercising, etc. (I don't advise "getting out your anger" on a pillow or whatever for various reasons, but if it makes you feel better, go ahead.) Just get yourself overall calm. Then you are ready to do some critical thinking and healthy self talk. To deal with your feelings, you really have to embrace them. It might help to write them down... But just realize that they are not permanent. (I've permanized some of my feelings via keeping them in a journal, so I just thought I'd warn you.) Then talk to yourself about why you are feeling this way. If you are feeling any extreme emotions that you realize are irrational (I believe you were, since you mentioned that ATM you were not rational), do some healthy self talk. (If you do not know what this is, Google it- it's also called "positive self talk.")

    And when I can't get ahold of my BF and I'm freaking out about something and feel like I'm going over the edge, I just try to forget about him and basically pretend he's gone and it doesn't matter. I know this probably is extremely unhealthy, but I suffer from major insecurity issues to the point where I used to get panic attacks when he wouldn't answer the phone or stayed late at work- I'm better now but it still happens. IDK why, but doing that has always helped me get through it and I've prevented myself from doing some pretty stupid stuff that way.

    So that's really all I got... I hope it helps. Feel free to message me! Doubt I'll do much good, but I'm always up for listening and *attempting* to help:)
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  10. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Thankyou all. Foreverbunny thankyou so much for taking the time for that. I will work tru it today
    Last week I actually found the fluffy blankets and chocolate was making me worse and I began to feel better after I had painted all my doorframes
    Yesterday tho I just couldn't motivate myself to do much of anything, and being that weak was making me angry at myself which was making it worse

    I think I have figured out its just really too much too soon. I am not really all that sub, just a kind of bedroom thing, and anything I have done in the past has been in a strong relationship where we loved and trusted each other

    It's a totally different thing to do it right at the start, so that makes doubts 100 times bigger for me
    I guess I need to build up trust and belief someone cares about me and my wellfare way before a scene

    I really appreciate the time you have all taken, honestly I'm not usually a wet hen :)

    And he called me today saying he was sorry but he had been put on medication that totally wiped him out
    He's gonna call again after work
    I feel pretty stupid, but I guess we do need to talk
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    Why feel stupid over something that's not only normal (since apparently sub drop is so normal it has a name for itself, unlike many feelings human beings can feel) but just a result of a simple, fixable mistake?

    So, you don't need to answer this question, but do you have major depression or dysthymia? Just asking, because if you feel this way in other times, you might want to seek professional counseling. In my experience, it's better to deal with depression before it gets worse.

    No need to feel like a wet hen. If I was experiencing the things you were, I can guaruntee you I'd be freaking the fuck out and going down to his house at 3 in the morning... And yes, I have actually done that on more occasions than I'd like to admit!! I don't want to say that you've been wronged, per se, but you do have a right to feel the way you do, so just don't feel foolish.

    I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet, since questioning your fantasies and if you're really as into BDSM are symptoms of sub drop. But I would definitely go slow at first and build up trust! Honestly, the only reason I do ANYTHING other than straight and manual sex is because there's a huge amount of trust. And make sure he understands that you need a lot of aftercare, too. If he doesn't comply, he's not worth your time.
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  12. RopeRanger

    RopeRanger Member

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    Jett, I can only address this from the Dom’s point of view and tell you what I've observed.

    I agree with TerribleT and Smallest. A D/s relation should much more symbiotic than a vanilla one. Because you typically don’t have the built-in support network provided by your vanilla friends, you and your Dom should both be working to meet each other’s needs. It cannot be a give/take relationship or you will be burned out very shortly.

    You need to define what you expect out of the relationship. I spend a considerable amount of time exploring this with potential play partners. We’re in long distance relationships so it’s also something I revisit when we’re planning another session. At a minimum you guys should talk about it. The relationship should not be as one-sided as you are describing.

    Since he is having a problem with it, aftercare should be one of the things discussed. He doesn’t have to like it, but as the Dom it is his responsibility to bring you back into the real world properly. My recent partners have been professional, type-A women in their vanilla lives. I would never expect them to snap back into reality on their own. I plan on cuddle time, showers, dinner, and whatever time it takes to get them back to themselves. I treat this time as an after-action debriefing. I explore the things they like and didn’t like and define the reasons behind both. Remember that while you may willingly give up your control during a session, you can still exercise control over the relationship. If he’s not willing to meet your needs you can find someone who will.

    For one of my subs aftercare is almost the whole point. As I said she’s type-A. She says enjoys my control as it relieves her from “normal†and she drops all control and responsibility. (To the point that I must be extra careful with her as she will let me push her too far)But she says her greatest satisfaction comes during aftercare. She will literally do anything I want. In return she wants to be pampered during aftercare. She describes it as the normal good feeling she’d receive from be treated special but amplified multifold because of the stark difference of the experiences of the previous session. Because I have treated her so very different than her vanilla life, instead of the aftercare time making her simply feel good, it makes her feel very special and the center of my attention.

    One of the reasons I joined this forum over the many others out there is because of the open attitude. We Dom’s have several support networks in place. We have seminars we can take, munches tend to be led by Dom’s, etc. So please feel free to vent, ask opinions, and seek other points of view. We’re all here to learn and support each other.
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  13. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Foreverbunny, again thankyou. No I don't have depression issues in real life. I guess there has been some difficult stuff going on that although I'm dealing with might be making me cope less well than I should
    Usually I am not this kind of a person at all and it is really making me angry that I am being like this

    Roperanger, thank you for taking the time to write that, what you have sounds really lovely
    I found out after that this guy had started out sub but then couldn't cope with it, I was his first time being a dom without help (not sure exactly what his experience has been) and I also don't want him to feel bad
    I also have to be really careful when we do talk because I know I don't open up easily and when I do I can go overboard and not stop
    I guess to an extent for him being new it could have been a bit of kid in a candy store kind of thing just trying everything all at once

    I do actually feel so much better just now. Thank you all so much.
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    Uh, so I have a wierd question and an awkward analogy- in the horse world, we say green rider plus green horse equals black and blue. (I mean actual equines, not pony play, btw.) Green means not very welll trained or inexperienced... Would the same rule apply to D/s? I mean green horse/rider : hospitalization :: inexperienced sub/dom : hurt feelings?

    I would say perhaps if that is the case, maybe don't drop your partner but instead seek outside help. Not sure how monogamous you are or how ok you are with bringing outsiders into the bedroom, but if you weren't ok with a mentor, perhaps just both talkinh with a dom who has more experience?
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  15. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    That is a good analogy that makes sense, but I really don't think I could cope with someone else involved in my private life

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