Vanilla guy needs advice from subs

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by spankfrodo, Oct 7, 2012.

  1. spankfrodo

    spankfrodo New Member

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    Hi all,
    My girlfriend describes herself as a "no-pain sub". I am totally vanilla but I want to give her the sub experience she craves. Our sex is fantastic, I just want to fulfill her mental needs.
    I'm comfortable with a little hair pulling, blindfolding, etc. That's probably as far as she wants to go.
    I want to hear from you female subs the kinds of things you like to hear during sex. Do you like your dom to interrogate you? IE: "who's your master?" "who does this pussy belong to?" Do many of you like humiliation? I feel like a jackass just saying these things, but if it's what she wants then I'll do it!
    Of course I will talk with her about what she wants - I just want to surprise her with some of your suggestions.

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  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    I don't consider those things interrogation, and although that doesn't matter very much, you might want to keep that in mind in case someone suggests an interrogation scene and means something totally different.

    I like all kinds of things. I like being called a dirty slut, filth, freak, those sorts of things. I like humiliation, obviously, and I like what's going on in the scene to be told to me, like how hard I will be whipped, or how he's bruising me (this was very effective when he was kissing my neck and making it feel like he was leaving obvious hickeys, and I didn't know what was happening.

    Don't feel like a jackass if she likes it- but ask if she will. Just because I will and other subs will doesn't mean she will. BDSM is about communication, so ask her.
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    Hi spankfrodo,
    Welcome to the board. You should check out the Newcomer's FAQ.

    There's a specific post on the Vanilla Boyfriend:

    As a vanilla guy you can learn to excel on "Aftercare". Sebastian explains it here...

    One of the biggest challenges for a vanilla guy is that turning on a "non-pain sub" will probably involve more psychological work. This is basically an acting experience - which we call roleplay in the BDSM world. Good roleplay can be tough because most people don't a lot of experience of acting.

    Smallest referred to an interogation scene, and that's one I often recommend because it give both "actors" a very familiar framework.

    Interrogation that involves some pain element is obviously easier to pull off. But (despite what TV tells us), modern law enforcement does not allow it. Yet the interrogation process is still extremely effective because of the psychological pressure involved. So in other words, an interrogation can be very effective even without violence.

    So I would still recommend interrogation if you think you can pull it off.

    Start by giving your girlfriend a reason to be interrogated. This can be a real "sin" or something made up.

    Then create an ambience in which the scene can take place. Build the mood.

    Non-violent methods:

    • You already mentioned blindfolds - but you need to understand why they work. When she's blindfolded she can't see what's coming next, and so surprise (as opposed to pain) becomes your weapon.
    • Long pauses to build tension. Just stand behind her for thirty seconds, totally quiet. As you feel her starting to get nervous, reach out and flick her ear lobe with your finger.
    • You need to be careful with this idea, but it can be very, very scary for her. Tie her up on a dining chair - BUT you need to tie her hands so they are not behind her (a chair with arms is idea for this - you can tape her wrists to the chair arms). Also, use gaffer tape to secure her ankles to the legs of the chair. Then blindfold her. Now she can't see what you're doing you need to put some cushions behind the chair. Make sure you have enough of them (folded duvets are also good) - and in particular make sure her head will hit a cushion, not the floor. Now at somepoint in the interrogation just place your hand on her chest and slowly push back. You can combine this with some threats...and it works really well if you have appeared to become frustrated or angry. You need to "sell" this to her - and the first couple of times you ease off and don't let her fall. If you ever fell backwards on a chair you know it's a weird, and very disturbing feeling, but this is what you are going for. If she's getting into the roleplay, you can hold her at the point of balance and get to beg you to stop (make sure you understand how safe words are used). When you think she's assuming you're bluffing, or that you're going to let her rock forwards again, let her fall backwards onto the cushions and wait for the scream :)

    • By the way - it's perfectly ok to threaten pain - you don't have to actually hit her. A classic would be to get hold of a cane, blindfold her, and swish it through the air. Slam it down onto the table - it will scare the crap out of her.
    • Ice cubes are a great weapon - especially if she's blindfolded and doesn't know they're coming.
    • Sexual "abuse" was used in interrogations in the past. So (depending on her bondage position) you could force her to give you a blow job, or if she's tied up, but not tied to anything (eg. just her wrists tied behind her back), you can potentially simulate a rape scene. I always found this difficult to do, personally; but it is a very common fantasy amongst women. If she dresses in older clothes then you can even rip them to get access to her more interesting parts - but be aware that ripping clothes is actually quite tough, and can hurt. You can always pre-weaken a seam to help you out. But I think the ladies here would confirm that ripping a bra off a girl would be difficult and potentially cause real skin injury.

    Some key phrases you might want to practice beforehand.

    "Don't make me use this on would be such a pity to leave welts on those beautiful breasts."

    "Sooner or later you're going to tell me what I need to know. Don't make this any more difficult for either of us."

    Or you could even watch a few corny detective interrogation scenes on YouTube.

    Don't use up all your ideas in one session. The first time, just take it easy and slow, and focus on getting her excited. Then next time you can turn up the level a bit.

    I hope this was helpful.

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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Your gf probably wants to feel like you call the shots when it comes to sex--where, when, what acts and positions, that sort of thing. So discuss that idea with her. You get sex whenever you want it, with no reciprocation unless you want to. That's going to feel very selfish of you, but probably it's giving her what she wants.

    Does she enjoy humiliation? It's easy to use sexual positions to humiliate her. Doggy style is very good for that. You can force her face into the pillows, pull her hair, and the like. Or put her beneath you in a 69 position and fuck her face without touching her pussy at all.

    Ask her about serving you domestically, doing more than her share of chores, doing her chores naked, dressing just the way you want her to and the like. If she wants to serve you outside the bedroom, these are good places to start.

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