subs, whats in it for you?

JettOnly · Nov 29, 2011

Thank you. Yes head back to a more rational state today

and yes it was hopefully a case of that. Honestly I had no idea what to expect, no clue what I wanted and no clue really what rights I had

I guess if nothing else I have a good idea what I dont want now lol and a better idea about the speed I need to go at now

No idea if it will be with this guy again - or for that matter with anyone - but I have a much better idea of what I am needing if the situation ever arisies again

JettOnly · Nov 30, 2011

Well he still hasnt phoned. apparently last night he was too tired - not too tired to be on FB but too tired to drop me a txt to tell me he couldnt phone that night
and not a word of sorry either
Its getting late tonight, my desicion tonight, seeing as I told him the last two mornings that I would have appriciated a txt to tell me he couldnt phone - and it was him who said he was going to phone - if there is nothing tonight then tomorow I will tell him not to bother as all my questions have been answered!
and he is on his facebook saying he is at home and drinking beer - so its not like there is an excuse tonight
Thank you all for doing his job and getting my head back to something like myself. Even if I go back to 'nilla world after this I will still keep an eye on these forums

Smallest · Nov 30, 2011

Let us know what happens. And don't let this bad experience keep you from exploring kink- there's nothing wrong with being vanilla, obviously, but you know what I mean.

Exploring2dark · Dec 1, 2011

I am glad to see you are coming back up.. Not a side to be experienced!

I am really curious to see how your situation goes as well.. Please keep us informed!

Foreverbunny91 · Dec 1, 2011

JettOnly said:
Thank you. Yes head back to a more rational state today

and yes it was hopefully a case of that. Honestly I had no idea what to expect, no clue what I wanted and no clue really what rights I had

I guess if nothing else I have a good idea what I dont want now lol and a better idea about the speed I need to go at now

No idea if it will be with this guy again - or for that matter with anyone - but I have a much better idea of what I am needing if the situation ever arisies again

Someone correct me if I'm right (which I'm certain I am), but in ANY relationship (whether it's a marriage or a one-night stand or anything in between) you have the following rights:

1. To feel comfortable
2. To refuse any sexual act
3. To stop at anytime during a sexual act
4. To tell the other person what you want and don't want

I've heard that some Doms even ask what their subs want and go over what they are okay with and not okay with. (I'm referencing Craigslist personals ads, here, BTW.) IMO, it doesn't ruin the mood if beforehand you tell someone what you're OK with and not OK with and what you want them to do to you and to what level you want to submit- and that changes all the time. One day you might be comfortable with something and not the next... My boyfriend and I don't need to do this most of the time ONLY because we know eachother so well that he can go to do something and based on little tiny movements I make, I will tell him if it's OK or not. But he still in a way always asks before he does something that might make me uncomfortable- it's just nonverbal. The only time he goes right ahead and does something is if I already said it was OK before we started.

I'm not sure if this applies to your situation, but I honestly would be rather disturbed if it didn't...

Smallest · Dec 1, 2011

You're picking things up. Your list is true, and yes, most doms and subs discuss soft and hard limits before play and, if they're long term, more often than that.

I think it her case though, he's just a dick (no offence, Jett). It doesn't seem to really be at the point of 'we should discuss things' or anything about SM anymore.

Foreverbunny91 · Dec 1, 2011

Smallest, I was thinking that as well. However, I normally don't approach relationship issues with suggestions- I only say buttloads of info and try to refrain from telling a person to or not to leave another. I don't find anything wrong with it, but I just don't like to do it.

*ahem* and I must emphasize that list applies to ALL relationships. Women (and some men) often don't realize this and get into bad situations! It seems like until you experienced your bout of sub drop, you were somewhat enjoying your weekend. I think that things are often worth a second shot- even if you have to lay down so many rules to your next dom that they are barely dominating you at all. You can start small and work up. You just need a caring partner!! I'm sure you can have a mostly vanilla relationship and still indulge in kinky pleasures once in a while... Which I guess wouldn't make it a vanilla relationship, but I think you get what I mean.

JettOnly · Dec 1, 2011

Bunny, we did discuss before hands, but being new I had no ideas really what I did and didn't want as I had no experience of anything
I also had the ability to stop at any time, in theory
I don't as such have an issue with that although in retrospect I can see it was way too much for what I could cope with mentally and I was in a altered, shut down slightly shell shocked state most of the weekend
Those things are my fault and my responsability tho. Now with better understanding I would be able to comunicate my needs and limits a whole lot better.
But it seems comunication is not possible in this case.
It has been really difficult for me sitting for several nights waiting for a call, trying to keep calm and keep in mind the things I need to say without getting angry or emotional.

But the one thing I know I need above all others is trust
And not just in this issue but a couple of other times he has failed to keep his word to me. I guess something I might have let go in a regular relationship but something that prays on my mind here

As for this kind of thing in the future
Well after reading around I see that most of my relationships have been pretty kinky to some peoples standards, we just didn't label them and it was built out of love and exploration, understanding each other and exploring new ways to please each other
So yup I am up for that any time

I just can't deal with the idea of going to get events to try and find that
To me that feels like putting the cart before the horse, and seriously narrowing the size of the fishing pool for something that I only want to be a small part of the relationship

Foreverbunny91 · Dec 1, 2011

That's sort of what I want as well and I'd never base a decision to enter a relationship solely based on kink alone, as it is a bedroom only thing for me, and sex isn't the MOST important thing to me. I think you're making a wise decision

.... And I'm totally with you on the events. Lol

TerribleT · Dec 1, 2011

JettOnly said:
But the one thing I know I need above all others is trust

I was going to mention this but it seemed a little redundant.
It's seldom you meet someone and trust them immediately and completely.
Intimacy is one thing but you could be entrusting your very life to someone you don't know that well.
Even that is usually an afterthought to the idea of exposing your emotional underbelly. A douche bag partner could really hurt you really really bad!

subs, whats in it for you?

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