Not a sub by nature - Advice?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Shyskitten, May 12, 2013.

  1. Shyskitten

    Shyskitten New Member

    Hi, I'm very very very new to BDSM, but I'm looking for a bit more than the general information in the FAQ. See, I'm not naturally a sub. I'm not really anything, I'm used to vanilla and I've only ever had sex with my Master. It's not like I think this is the only way it can be because I've never been with anyone else, I do legitimately want to become a sub so that I can make my Master happy, because I love him very much, and he loves me very much, and we want to be as sexually compatible as possible. We started out as a 'regular' couple, but we sort of took a break for a while before we got back together earlier this year. I say sort of because even though we weren't dating anymore, we were still fucking on a regular basis. Stupid, I know, but as much as I hate to say it was complicated, it was. But during the break, my Master had sex with other people and did enough experimenting to realize he was a Dom, whereas I.... didn't do anything. But I know enough to know (in general) what I'm getting into, or at least what I want to get into. Basically, I guess I'm asking, are there any tips for transitioning away from vanilla when you don't actually have subconscious desires to be a sub? My decision to become a sub has been just that, a decision.

    (I will say though, we're still BOTH new to BDSM, though my Master is much more experienced than I am. I'm not a very good sub yet at all, I have a lot of learning to do, but I'm more than willing to do it. My Master is a very loving and kind Dom, but because I'm just starting to learn, he's being VERY lenient with me for now, and I'm aware of it, and grateful for it.)

    Thank you in advance! ^ - ^
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Shyskitten: Welcome to SMplace! You've read the FAQ and are looking for info, so you're doing what newbies should be doing.

    What little research there is on BDSM tends to suggest that perhaps 10% of the population has an inclination toward power exchange in some form. These are people who are 'naturally' doms and subs and switches. Other people can definitely learn to enjoy kink and power exchange, but for them it may be more about adding a little variety to their sex life or (like you) seeking to please your partner or making a compromise for the sake of the relationship. So just because you're not 'naturally' submissive doesn't mean you can't learn to be submissive, although it may not arouse you the way it would a 'natural' sub. And your desire to sincerely please your master suggests you might have a little bit of 'natural' sub in you. My slave, who is extremely submissive and a pain pig, is essentially a sub because he loves pleasing his partner.

    I would caution you, however, to make sure your own needs are being met. Since you are not a 'natural' sub, you're essentially compromising your instincts to meet your partner's needs. In Dan Savage's terms you're being Good, Giving, and Game (GGG). But being GGG runs both ways; if you are focusing on your partner's needs and pushing the limits of what you enjoy to please your master, you have a right to expect him to do the same, regardless of whether he's a dom or not. For example, let's say your master wants to spank you because he gets off on that. You let him spank you because you want to please him, not because you like being spanked. That's what you should do as a sub and as someone who's GGG. But he needs to occasionally compromise on his dom instincts and do things that directly pleasure you even if they're not his preferred mode of play (maybe he needs to eat your pussy or give you an occasional classic romantic dinner or something else that makes you feel special).

    What I'm really saying is, don't let him being naturally dominant become an excuse for him being selfish. Being dominant is not a 'Get Out of Being Considerate of My Partner Free' card. Some guys use being dominant as an excuse for being selfish assholes, especially with partners who don't know much about BDSM. Given that you're not naturally a sub, make sure you are setting limits and making your pleasure as important as his. You're giving him the gift of being submissive; he needs to give you the gift of caring about your pleasure as much as his.

    As for learning to be submissive, it's definitely possible. Women around the world have been doing that for thousands of years. Most Chinese and Japanese women learn to be quiet, unobtrusive and girlish because that's what's expected of them culturally. They have the 'advantage' of being trained that way from childhood, whereas you're trying to learn those traits (or your master's version of them) as an adult.

    I would recommend that you get Miss Christina Abernathy's Erotic Slavehood. It's a very good guide to inculcating submissive and other-centered behavior. She offers things like daily awareness exercises that you might find useful.
  3. Shyskitten

    Shyskitten New Member

    Sebastian - Thanks for your input, I'll see if I can get ahold of that book soon. My Master is actually the romantic of the relationship, so THAT'S not an issue, and he has a lot of fun giving me pleasure, whether I thought I wanted it or not. (It's always consensual, but sometimes I have to say 'no' more than once if I mean it, and we do have a safeword just in case.)

    EDIT: I deleted my second question because I talked to my Master about it after posting, and it's not an issue anymore. ^ - ^
    Last edited: May 14, 2013
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Limits can be tricky things. We set them, we negotiate on them, they change over time, they're needed in one situation but not in another. There's no one-size fits all rule on limits, although "no permanently disabling injuries or death"is pretty close to universal. So I can't tell you where to set your limits, only tell you what seems reasonable to me from what you've said. But the basic rule is that you're allowed to set limits wherever you think you need them. If he doesn't like them, he's allowed to walk away from play, and you two are free to negotiate for whatever seems workable. Lots of subs agree to do things they don't personally enjoy because it pleases their doms. Others put off-limits anything they don't personally enjoy.

    So what to do in this situation? First, saying you won't do things that make you likely to vomit strikes me as a fairly reasonable limit. Vomiting is fairly unpleasant for most people, and it kills the mood pretty quickly (I have a friend who has a hysterical story about trying to lose his virginity with a friend at camp and a bottle of booze; the attempt ended with a very ill-advised blow job. I think you can picture what happened). And if swallowing cum makes you feel like puking, then swallowing cum is off-limits. Lots of male doms eroticize the consumption of cum--I usually make my slave suck it off my belly when I jack off--so that can be a place where your limits and his limits don't mesh very well.

    One possible compromise would be to promise that you will swallow cum when you feel you can, but that he won't push you when you can't. Then make a good faith attempt in situations where it's less difficult (for me, swallowing is much easier during a blow job than afterward--the cum goes down so quickly I don't have to think about it, whereas licking it up off a boot is quite different). If that's the compromise, then you have to make a good faith effort to swallow occasionally.

    If you simply can't do it, then make it a hard limit that you won't negotiate over. Were my sub like you (not naturally submissive but very willing to sub for me), I would accept that as a reasonable limit as a trade-off for giving me room to be dominant.
  5. applethini

    applethini New Member

    I like you sebastian. This is i think the 4th thread I've read with your input. very intuitive and intelligent. I agree with everything sebastian has said. It seems like you have everything sorted out. I would however like to add something for future readers. Sebastian mentioned it earlier. if BDSM isn't exactly what your looking for, or if it is, but you're both new or whatever the case may be, sometimes it might help to not think of it as solely Dom or Sub. spice it up, in a different way. I suggest going on toy store websites like extreme and browseing objects. find something both of you have interest in and try it out. Not only is it a good way to try new things without the pressure of trying to please the other, it's a good way to discover who's more dom or sub. or neither!

    my gf and i had a fairly vanilla style for the most part. shes much more of a sub then I, so i wound up being dominate most of the time. mostly just different positions. But there where times we'd incorporate toys. we'd go online and look around till we saw something that sparked our interest. in this case it was urethral stimulation. It was scary I'll admit. but because I had her support, I pushed the boundary. now I know that it isn't for me, but I know that I wouldn't mind if it was used in lite play.

    I honestly have no idea if any of this made sense or was helpful at all. I'm pretty exhausted still :)

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