subs, whats in it for you?

Foreverbunny91 · Nov 28, 2011

JettOnly said:
Thankyou all. Foreverbunny thankyou so much for taking the time for that. I will work tru it today
Last week I actually found the fluffy blankets and chocolate was making me worse and I began to feel better after I had painted all my doorframes
Yesterday tho I just couldn't motivate myself to do much of anything, and being that weak was making me angry at myself which was making it worse

I think I have figured out its just really too much too soon. I am not really all that sub, just a kind of bedroom thing, and anything I have done in the past has been in a strong relationship where we loved and trusted each other

It's a totally different thing to do it right at the start, so that makes doubts 100 times bigger for me
I guess I need to build up trust and belief someone cares about me and my wellfare way before a scene

I really appreciate the time you have all taken, honestly I'm not usually a wet hen

And he called me today saying he was sorry but he had been put on medication that totally wiped him out
He's gonna call again after work
I feel pretty stupid, but I guess we do need to talk

Why feel stupid over something that's not only normal (since apparently sub drop is so normal it has a name for itself, unlike many feelings human beings can feel) but just a result of a simple, fixable mistake?

So, you don't need to answer this question, but do you have major depression or dysthymia? Just asking, because if you feel this way in other times, you might want to seek professional counseling. In my experience, it's better to deal with depression before it gets worse.

No need to feel like a wet hen. If I was experiencing the things you were, I can guaruntee you I'd be freaking the fuck out and going down to his house at 3 in the morning... And yes, I have actually done that on more occasions than I'd like to admit!! I don't want to say that you've been wronged, per se, but you do have a right to feel the way you do, so just don't feel foolish.

I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet, since questioning your fantasies and if you're really as into BDSM are symptoms of sub drop. But I would definitely go slow at first and build up trust! Honestly, the only reason I do ANYTHING other than straight and manual sex is because there's a huge amount of trust. And make sure he understands that you need a lot of aftercare, too. If he doesn't comply, he's not worth your time.

RopeRanger · Nov 28, 2011

Jett, I can only address this from the Domâ€™s point of view and tell you what I've observed.

I agree with TerribleT and Smallest. A D/s relation should much more symbiotic than a vanilla one. Because you typically donâ€™t have the built-in support network provided by your vanilla friends, you and your Dom should both be working to meet each otherâ€™s needs. It cannot be a give/take relationship or you will be burned out very shortly.

You need to define what you expect out of the relationship. I spend a considerable amount of time exploring this with potential play partners. Weâ€™re in long distance relationships so itâ€™s also something I revisit when weâ€™re planning another session. At a minimum you guys should talk about it. The relationship should not be as one-sided as you are describing.

Since he is having a problem with it, aftercare should be one of the things discussed. He doesnâ€™t have to like it, but as the Dom it is his responsibility to bring you back into the real world properly. My recent partners have been professional, type-A women in their vanilla lives. I would never expect them to snap back into reality on their own. I plan on cuddle time, showers, dinner, and whatever time it takes to get them back to themselves. I treat this time as an after-action debriefing. I explore the things they like and didnâ€™t like and define the reasons behind both. Remember that while you may willingly give up your control during a session, you can still exercise control over the relationship. If heâ€™s not willing to meet your needs you can find someone who will.

For one of my subs aftercare is almost the whole point. As I said sheâ€™s type-A. She says enjoys my control as it relieves her from â€œnormalâ€ and she drops all control and responsibility. (To the point that I must be extra careful with her as she will let me push her too far)But she says her greatest satisfaction comes during aftercare. She will literally do anything I want. In return she wants to be pampered during aftercare. She describes it as the normal good feeling sheâ€™d receive from be treated special but amplified multifold because of the stark difference of the experiences of the previous session. Because I have treated her so very different than her vanilla life, instead of the aftercare time making her simply feel good, it makes her feel very special and the center of my attention.

One of the reasons I joined this forum over the many others out there is because of the open attitude. We Domâ€™s have several support networks in place. We have seminars we can take, munches tend to be led by Domâ€™s, etc. So please feel free to vent, ask opinions, and seek other points of view. Weâ€™re all here to learn and support each other.

JettOnly · Nov 28, 2011

Foreverbunny, again thankyou. No I don't have depression issues in real life. I guess there has been some difficult stuff going on that although I'm dealing with might be making me cope less well than I should
Usually I am not this kind of a person at all and it is really making me angry that I am being like this

Roperanger, thank you for taking the time to write that, what you have sounds really lovely
I found out after that this guy had started out sub but then couldn't cope with it, I was his first time being a dom without help (not sure exactly what his experience has been) and I also don't want him to feel bad
I also have to be really careful when we do talk because I know I don't open up easily and when I do I can go overboard and not stop
I guess to an extent for him being new it could have been a bit of kid in a candy store kind of thing just trying everything all at once

I do actually feel so much better just now. Thank you all so much.

Foreverbunny91 · Nov 28, 2011

Uh, so I have a wierd question and an awkward analogy- in the horse world, we say green rider plus green horse equals black and blue. (I mean actual equines, not pony play, btw.) Green means not very welll trained or inexperienced... Would the same rule apply to D/s? I mean green horse/rider : hospitalization :: inexperienced sub/dom : hurt feelings?

I would say perhaps if that is the case, maybe don't drop your partner but instead seek outside help. Not sure how monogamous you are or how ok you are with bringing outsiders into the bedroom, but if you weren't ok with a mentor, perhaps just both talkinh with a dom who has more experience?

JettOnly · Nov 28, 2011

That is a good analogy that makes sense, but I really don't think I could cope with someone else involved in my private life

Foreverbunny91 · Nov 28, 2011

Perhaps try to get your partner involved in this forum? Or another forum if you prefer. (This is the only active one I could find though.) You can also teach him yourself by switching roles. My bf and I do that a lot with other things n it seems to work.

I feel the same way about mentors and so does my bf... I just suggested it as some people are ok with that n others aren't.

JettOnly · Nov 28, 2011

He is on a forum of people local to him and we are both on fetlife
But I found it means I dont feel so free to post on there cos I know he can read it - so I kinda wanna keep here as my little seceret

He did talk about switching roles and when I was over he said I could for 30 min - but I had no idea what to do

Back home when I was a little more relaxed and stuff (and a bit turned on) I did have some ideas, I texted some of the ideas, he seemed to be getting into it, then he laughed at me, then he 'punished' me - with the pain stuff (which of course was over txt so I didnt have to do it - so I know its my fault) that I have been feeling down about for the past couple of days

so think it might take a little while to get the confidence to try anything like that!

Foreverbunny91 · Nov 29, 2011

Uh, he shouldn't shut you down like that. Did you tell him that was bs? I'm thinking he thought that was ok and didn't mean to hurt you but did... And maybe you didn't say anything. Perhaps if you don't already have a word that means you need to come back reality fast and stop what you're doing to talk about something, you should and it needs to apply to text.

I kind of thought might that might be the case. I want my bf to get an account but then again I didn't. If you want to you can pm me for support anytime

i'm looking to set up a support system myself.

JettOnly · Nov 29, 2011

I havent actually had the chance to say anything,because I am so new at all of this I didnt know if I was supposed to be pulling up - or just putting up

When we did meet he did give me a safe word - I dont know if this is usual but I just wasnt able to use it, I guess I am stubborn - I wanted things to end and get good - but I couldnt say it
Thankfully he did see a few times when I needed to stop and gave me a break

I never actually though to use it in txt - but I guess I need to as the after effects are every bit as bad - possibly worse cos I know its all my fault - I could just stop

Well he didnt phone me last night, when he txt me this morning he said he didnt get finnished work till 11:30 pm - which is pretty rubbish I know
although I did stand up for myself a little more and say that was OK but a txt to me last night letting me know would have been nice

hes gone quiet now - I am gonna give him the benifit of the doubt till I speak to him but I have came to the realisation that IF I am a sub I am still deff not a doormat - I would never have put up with 1/2 this sh!t in vanilla so its about time that I behaived like myself!

TerribleT · Nov 29, 2011

It sounds like you're getting your head around the situation pretty good. You sound like you're in a much better state today.

It also sounds like maybe you two jumped head first into the deep end. "Dam the torpedoes!" right?

subs, whats in it for you?

Foreverbunny91

Member

RopeRanger

Member

JettOnly

Member

Foreverbunny91

Member

JettOnly

Member

Foreverbunny91

Member

JettOnly

Member

Foreverbunny91

Member

JettOnly

Member

TerribleT

Member

Similar threads