New to putting the hammer down

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Dr Wu, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. Dr Wu

    Dr Wu New Member

    Another dreaded "new guy" thread. Any help would be most welcome. Yes it's long and somewhat detailed. If thats not your thing please ignore.

    Married 4 years, two kids. Started dating in 2000 when she was 20. (I was 33) Took some time off then re-united and got hitched.

    Always a good and healthy sex life over the years. Plenty of mild experimentation.

    After the first baby the sex dried up quite a bit. During the second pregnancy she became a very horny mommy. Lots of activity.

    Then earlier in the year she started engaging in elaborate text sex messaging. (we both travel a lot and dont actually live together) It was really different stuff than our norm. Nothing BDSM but it was heading there.

    Now, over the past summer, she has made it clear she wants to be my sex slave. (whatever that means)

    Mosty over text but during the rare times we are actually together without the kids she has made her intentions most clear. We have had several sessions that include many of the simpler and more popular aspects of this. Bondage, sense depravation, toys..stuff like that. But the more important thing is her verbal willingness to be dominated in every way possible.

    I should mention that she is incredably dominant during most of the day. And has been as long as I have known her. We work together and there is no question she is the boss. (although I "am" the company)

    Anyway, now she wants to be a full time slave. She is doing more reading than I and (because of her nature) being what some people call a "pushy bottom". She cannot help herself. But im sure most of that issue will go away as soon as I step up and Become the master she wants me to be.

    Here is where I need help:

    Is this sort of reaction common from women in her circumstance?

    She has read a great deal and wants "training". While I'm sure that means a lot of different things to different people what is an easy way (and what are the goals) of what is commonly called "training" a "slave". I can say she is in love with her collar and leash. (sorry, no ceremony, I just snapped on her neck one night and she went wild. She desires it every day and wants to start wearing it out on the town (hidden for now).

    About me: I should say I am enjoying her interest. But wow, it has come on strong and quickly. I have always liked sex to be fairly fun and romantic. Never had much use for "whips and chains" but if my wife wants that I am an eager participant. And the way it has turned her around in both the "board room and the bedroom" is astonishing.

    But, and be honest here, does all this slave/ master stuff spoil good old fashioned sex? I would like to find a balance between giving her what she wants and still having an honest romp once in a while.

    Anyway, I have a million questions about details of SM but wanted to start out with my most basic thoughts.

    Many thanks in advance,

  2. Roland

    Roland Member

    Is this reaction common? Well she is 32 years old now and her sex drive is heating up. She is probably discovering things about herself that she never knew were there; and has exposed herself to vast amounts of sexual information on the internet and has started to really learn what turns her on.

    Collaring her at this stage is OK I guess since you are married, but I would have waited and made it a reward for good behavior. As for training a slave, does she mean a sex slave, a house slave, or simply a complete and total slave to all of your demands? If she wants to be a total slave, keep in mind that this is hard work for you, and a big responsibility.

    Soon, my wife will be working 8-4 with me at my job, but before then, I have provided her with a daily schedule of things to do/accomplish throughout the day to keep her energy focused and productive. I also allow her to politely request IM or phone contact with me three times a day at very specific times (9:30AM, 12:30PM, and 2:45PM). When I get home, I tell her to present all of her daily accomplishments for my inspection and then I verbally reward her for a job well done. But, all of that scheduling, and giving her the right tasks to do that are sensitive to her needs, is quite difficult. So keep that all in mind.

    As for sex training, I have been training my wife to assume certain physical positions at my command (kind of like Gorean stuff but without all the sexism). Also to rub my feet after work, sensual full body massage, anal training, and cum swallowing training. But make sure you go slow and ramp this up carefully to get her more and more into it. Her interest may have come on strong and quickly, but you, as the dom, can dictate the speed of the change in your relationship. In fact, the slow ramp up method can make it even more enticing to her to the point where she will be begging you for dominance.

    For my wife and I, old-fashioned sex without any of the D/s stuff is just as exciting and pleasurable as ever, if not more so because there is more sexual variety. Each person is different, though.

    Finally, if you haven't read the Newcomer's FAQ, please do as many of your other questions may be answered there. When you start domming her, make sure you go all in with your attitude and not allow her to "top from the bottom". This will help you learn what her real intentions are; to be your slave or to make you a slave to her desires. Either scenario can be fine if you are fine with it, but you need to find out. Good luck!
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Whether it's common or not doesn't really matter--it's where you two are, and that's ok. A few thoughts:

    1) Don't go full slave (24/7 total power exchange) right away. You two are just learning to swim, and you're not ready for the deep end of the kink pool. So take your time.

    2) Talk to her about what being a slave means to you and to her. You need to make sure you're both on the same page. Consider writing out a slave contact to specify what her obligations and your obligations are. That way there's less room for misunderstanding.

    3) Some kinksters (like me) find that vanilla sex is less interesting once they've discovered power exchange sex. Others consider vanilla a much-needed break from BDSM or the main course after some kinky appetizers. So do vanilla as often as you want. You can order your slave to be romantic; you can even order your slave to be dominant for a night. Find whatever works for the both of you.

    4) Being a new dom with a pushy bottom can be very challenging. That was my situation, and I found it confusing. Tell her that you need her to not be pushy while you're finding your dominance. Once you've gotten more comfortable being dominant, it will be easier to push back against a pushy bottom. Set clear rules and if she breaks the rules, punish her (don't discipline her; punish her. See the Newcomer's FAQ for my thoughts on the difference. A pushy bottom will quickly learn to misbehave to get fun discipline, so you need to use less pleasant punishments). Be consistent in your rules, how you enforce them, and what the penalties are. Subs are like dogs and children; inconsistency encourages them to break the rules.

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