sebastian
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Smallest: I wish I were getting kickbacks from Wiseman. But honestly, he's just the best author I've seen on general bondage.
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A few newcomer questions
- Thread starter Slaveman23
- Start date
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sebastian
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Maria: At the risk of hijacking Slaveman's thread, I think there are two things for you to think about.
1) Growing up overweight conditions us to seek approval of others by downplaying our own needs. We learn that we can't attract the guys we want based on our bodies, so instead we try to be really nice and accommodating. That teaches us that we need to put our desires second, in the hopes that someone will accept us and meet our needs. Sadly, unless you're lucky and meet the right guy, that generally doesn't work and just leaves us frustrated and unable to express our needs clearly. So spend some time thinking about that and teach yourself that it's ok to ask for what you want and need in a vanilla relationship. In a dom/sub relationship, it's ok to flat out demand it. You're the dom; you get to tell the sub what to do, even if that sometimes means he doesn't enjoy what he's doing. Because he enjoys being ordered to do things, even if they're things he might not like doing. Which brings us to my second point.
2) Subs like being told what to do. Many subs find their central pleasure in the act of giving pleasure to others. So the specific act is often less important than the act of obeying. Think of it this way. Let's say you have a friend/parent/sibling that you care about. For his birthday, he really wants to go see a movie that you don't really want to see, but you take him to the movie because you want him to be happy on his birthday. Even if you don't like the movie itself, you like knowing that you made him happy on his birthday. That's sort of like being submissive to him, taking pleasure in the act of giving pleasure. So part of what your sub is looking for is the experience of being with a woman who demands that he does what she wants. That's what he's getting off on. And some subs find the experience of being ordered to do unpleasant things extremely erotic, because it emphasizes their lack of control. I know one reasonably good-looking guy in his mid-40s who really gets off servicing fat ugly old men, precisely because it makes him feel like he has no control at all, and has to pleasure guys that most gay men would never even consider having sex with. It makes him feel humiliated, and he likes that.
So start giving yourself the right to have your own desires and needs. Being dominant is about feeling the sense of power that giving orders grants us. If it helps, think of it this way: former fat chicks aren't supposed to demand things for guys. So when you do it, you're breaking the rules and getting away with it. Who doesn't like that feeling?
1) Growing up overweight conditions us to seek approval of others by downplaying our own needs. We learn that we can't attract the guys we want based on our bodies, so instead we try to be really nice and accommodating. That teaches us that we need to put our desires second, in the hopes that someone will accept us and meet our needs. Sadly, unless you're lucky and meet the right guy, that generally doesn't work and just leaves us frustrated and unable to express our needs clearly. So spend some time thinking about that and teach yourself that it's ok to ask for what you want and need in a vanilla relationship. In a dom/sub relationship, it's ok to flat out demand it. You're the dom; you get to tell the sub what to do, even if that sometimes means he doesn't enjoy what he's doing. Because he enjoys being ordered to do things, even if they're things he might not like doing. Which brings us to my second point.
2) Subs like being told what to do. Many subs find their central pleasure in the act of giving pleasure to others. So the specific act is often less important than the act of obeying. Think of it this way. Let's say you have a friend/parent/sibling that you care about. For his birthday, he really wants to go see a movie that you don't really want to see, but you take him to the movie because you want him to be happy on his birthday. Even if you don't like the movie itself, you like knowing that you made him happy on his birthday. That's sort of like being submissive to him, taking pleasure in the act of giving pleasure. So part of what your sub is looking for is the experience of being with a woman who demands that he does what she wants. That's what he's getting off on. And some subs find the experience of being ordered to do unpleasant things extremely erotic, because it emphasizes their lack of control. I know one reasonably good-looking guy in his mid-40s who really gets off servicing fat ugly old men, precisely because it makes him feel like he has no control at all, and has to pleasure guys that most gay men would never even consider having sex with. It makes him feel humiliated, and he likes that.
So start giving yourself the right to have your own desires and needs. Being dominant is about feeling the sense of power that giving orders grants us. If it helps, think of it this way: former fat chicks aren't supposed to demand things for guys. So when you do it, you're breaking the rules and getting away with it. Who doesn't like that feeling?
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MistressMaria86
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Sebastian - would you mind awfully just coming to live on my shoulder for a couple of months? After so many yrs of negativity I could do with some decent words of advice and you currently seem to be fitting the bill 
. Yes I guess I need to try and put out of my mind me and concnetrate on my alter ego - that of a mistress who doesnt care whether he likes it or not - its what i want and need that counts. I think the more 'Mistress Maria' shows she is in control - via actions, voice etc the more he will like it which will in turn help 'the real me' feel good. I actually belong to an amateur dramatic group (its how we met) and so maybe I need to think of 'playtime' as a series of short plays - its a performance - I am becoming a character - I think that will help the confidence too - if its not actually me then the issues that I have arent there - if that makes any sense. The other total irony is that he himself is a fairly big guy and yet he has no such worries about getting naked (for example). We havent had a session for a while (he has a lodger who we'd rather not know about our little hobby although I have met the guy and so planning time is difficult.) I am trying to educate myself more about what it means to be a Domme and things I can do during a session - I bought how to dominate him but I guess it comes down to me also doing some research on myself - thinking what it is that i want - even if its for him to do the exploring and find what makes me tick. As long as I put it to him in a dominant fashion then in theory he will happily oblige right??
. Yes I guess I need to try and put out of my mind me and concnetrate on my alter ego - that of a mistress who doesnt care whether he likes it or not - its what i want and need that counts. I think the more 'Mistress Maria' shows she is in control - via actions, voice etc the more he will like it which will in turn help 'the real me' feel good. I actually belong to an amateur dramatic group (its how we met) and so maybe I need to think of 'playtime' as a series of short plays - its a performance - I am becoming a character - I think that will help the confidence too - if its not actually me then the issues that I have arent there - if that makes any sense. The other total irony is that he himself is a fairly big guy and yet he has no such worries about getting naked (for example). We havent had a session for a while (he has a lodger who we'd rather not know about our little hobby although I have met the guy and so planning time is difficult.) I am trying to educate myself more about what it means to be a Domme and things I can do during a session - I bought how to dominate him but I guess it comes down to me also doing some research on myself - thinking what it is that i want - even if its for him to do the exploring and find what makes me tick. As long as I put it to him in a dominant fashion then in theory he will happily oblige right??Keep2share Premium PRO Account
sebastian
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Domming is very much a performance. It's the real you, but a stylized you.
As far as sitting on your shoulder, the trick I use is that I pay attention to the negative things I say to myself. Occasionally I tell myself something like "nobody likes you". I've learned that I can talk back to those voices. So I might say "that's not true. I have lots of friends" or "why would I want to say that to myself? Why would I want to hurt me?" Then I listen for the answer. The trick is to become conscious of the negative messages we send to ourselves.
As far as sitting on your shoulder, the trick I use is that I pay attention to the negative things I say to myself. Occasionally I tell myself something like "nobody likes you". I've learned that I can talk back to those voices. So I might say "that's not true. I have lots of friends" or "why would I want to say that to myself? Why would I want to hurt me?" Then I listen for the answer. The trick is to become conscious of the negative messages we send to ourselves.
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Slaveman23
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Mistress got me a locking plug harness for my birthday. Yay me. She likes it when I'm already stretched for her pleasure. And now I won't be able to take it out unless she lets me. And if I don't stop jerking off she going to chastise me too. But I love jerking off.
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Slaveman23
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Oh and she has started making me wear woman's panties with a sanitary pad since she thinks it makes me look like a little slutt boy. Plus the pad keeps extra lube from getting my panties wet. Ah I love being her slutt boy. And last night I got my first punishment. I yelled out after a good fucking and said I love my man vagina (what I to call my butt hole from now on) and she said whose man vagina is it? I said mine. I now know it is hers and am to always say so. She said I own you and your pussy and you won't forget it now. Then spanked me. And I had to lick my own cum off her after I got her off with her dildo. I would have been allowed "normal sex" but also couldn't hold my dildo in so she said I didn't deserve her pussy. Um and yea my cum does not taiste good. Very salty.
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