Suggestions for somone to new to SM

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by decoyicus, Sep 1, 2010.

  1. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    Hi everyone my girlfriend is a masochist and we use to have rough sex to get her off but we stopped after she sustained a concussion and I pulled several muscles in my back. after we stopped having rough sex I started biting her during sex it really got her off but she is building up a tolerance and I am worried I might lose control and really hurt her I asked a friend about what to do and they suggested BDSM me and my girlfriend started looking into it but where a bit put off by the latex (we are both allergic) and the bondage(she has some serious issues that don't really need mentioning) but she really liked the masochism side only problem is other than pulling her hair and pinching her nipples I haven't got a fucking clue what to so does anyone have some suggestions on how I can give her some pain during sex but still be safe ?
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Pain play works best in conjunction with at least mild bondage, since the pain provides a reason to struggle against the bondage and the bondage creates vulnerability to the pain play, but if she's willing to sit (or stand or lie) still while you work on her, there's a lot you can do. A good place to start is spanking, or paddling, or cropping. Work on her ass, her thighs, her upper back, her tits. Start mild and gradually increase the force or rapidity of the blows. Flogging and whipping are more advanced, and really require some practice and instruction to do safely, but they are things to think about if you enjoy this. You might look into pinwheels or vampire gloves or hot wax, all of which come under sensation play and are relatively safe, although if you get into hot wax you should do some reading on how to avoid burns, and make sure you don't use just any old candle. Electro is another, more advanced style of play--some subs love it, but safety is an important issue, and you generally need to buy the proper equipment. You can alternate pain with pleasure--feathers, silks, ice cubes, kisses, finger stroking, and so on. Blindfold her so she doesn't know what's coming next or what part you're about to touch.

    If she has emotional issues around bondage or blindfolds but is willing to give it a try, go slow, give her safe words to stop the scene if it gets frightening, and help her get used to the idea that mild restraint is safe and fun. When you're done, be sure to cuddle with her, reassure her that she's ok, and let her talk about her feelings. While you're playing, you can praise her for enduring the bondage and torture, gently coax her to try a little more ("I know you can take another minute of what I'm doing") and thank her. Tie her mildly in a way she can get out of (for example, tie her hands in front of her and do it with a bow knot that she can open easily with her teeth), so she knows that she can physically get free any time she wants to.

    If you're allergic to latex, try leather instead. Buy a good leather biker jacket and wear it when you start to play. Leather is amazingly sensuous--it stimulates the sight, touch, smell, and hearing, and it changes how you carry yourself. Or explore uniforms--putting together a cop uniform is actually quite easy if you go to a uniform supply shop, army surplus store, or online site.
  3. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    thanks for the ideas next time me and the GF are in the city we will go to the big sex shop to pick up some toys but bondage is a definite no no I should probably explain when my girlfriend was little about 4 or 5 she was kidnapped by a sick fuck who tied her up and left her in a dark room for 2 days fortunately the cops got the sick bastard before he could do anything to her we tried bondage before she told me any of this and about 5 minutes in she started crying I untied her and we spent the whole evening talking about the whole thing and haven't tried it since. all the other stuff you suggested I'm pretty sure she will be into so I will be sure to try it next time we have sex thanks for the ideas.
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Some subs find that bdsm provides a safe space to confront traumatic experiences. I recall reading about one sub who had been beaten repeatedly with a hairbrush as a child. She and her dom gradually worked up to him spanking her with a hairbrush as a way for her to process that experience. So she might slowly be able to work through her feelings, but you're right to be very sensitive and cautious. Once she has made progress in other areas and learns that she can trust you not to harm her, you might discuss the idea again. For example, you might start by placing a towel across her eyes (if she gets anxious, she can simply remove it) and slowly working toward using a blindfold. Tie her wrists very lightly with a cord and put the ends in her hands, so that if she lets go, she's free. If she gets to a point where she can tolerate that, go one step further, maybe by using a bowtie that she can undo with her teeth. Then she has to ask you to do the untying, with the understanding that you will do it the moment she asks. This sort of therapy works very well with confronting normal phobias.
  5. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    I will be sure to mention what you said about confronting her experience next time we are discussing potential things we can do in the bedroom but I don't think she will be up it I think she gave up on dealing with it after 3 years of unsuccessful therapy but I might be wrong she might still want to still deal with but doesn't know how
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  6. nameless

    nameless New Member

    my ex liked to be able to get out by herself when she was tied up so maybe try some bondage that is still restricting but she knows she can easily get out if she ever feels she has to
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    The trick with desensitization is to do it very gradually in a situation where the person feels safe enough to tolerate small doses of anxiety. Your gf can't handle bondage right now because it generates too much anxiety. But once you've established a real rapport through other bdsm practices such as pain play or control, she might be able to get used to small doses of very mild restriction and gradually work her way up. In the example of the hairbrush, at the start, the sub could barely tolerate playing in a room where there was a hairbrush visible at all. But gradually she could tolerate that. And slowly her dom moved to picking up the hairbrush briefly, then waving it around, then making her touch it, and so on, and eventually spanked her with it. She cried a lot when that happened, but was eventually able to come to see the brush as a tool of pleasure and love rather than cruelty.

    Don't tackle it now. The two of you need to get your 'bdsm legs' first. You have to be able to start her out in a situation in which she is comfortable, feels safe, and trusts you. And there's not guarantee that what I'm suggesting will work. Her trauma might just be too intense. But it's something to think about if the two of you want to explore bondage. And, just to be clear, I'm not a professional therapist or anything like that. I've simply read a few things about this.
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  8. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    Well we tried out a bit of spanking earlier today I had her lie on her stomach and I started off with some light slow slaps to her buttocks then I increased intensity and rapidity then I moved onto the back of her thighs and her lower back as for her reaction I didn't get much more than the odd wince from my more firm slaps but judging from the wet patch on the sheets and that it only took about 5 minuets of cunnilingus to bring her to orgasm afterward I take that she enjoyed it. as for easing her into bondage I'm going to build on the other areas of BDSM then confront her about it. I think once we explore the more intense elements of SM she might open up to the idea of therapeutic bondage
  9. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    Seb - Really insightful advice.

    I had a similar experience with a jr sub that had been raped. Took a very long time to be able to use bondage, and even after that, while the discipline and pain play was OK, I had to release her and use more verbal domination when it came to sex.

    Just curious..... Where did you get your insight?
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  10. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    L8NightQ you say it took a long time for your sub to be comfortable with bondage I was just wondering if you started with light bondage and slowly upped the ante or if you started with other things and slowly expanded her comfort zone
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2010
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Decoy, sounds like you've found a good place to start. One word of safety advice, if you're doing impact stuff (spanking, paddling, flogging) avoid the lower back and the upper buttocks. You don't want to hit the kidneys or the base of the spine, both of which are vulnerable because they're right under the skin; it's easy to cause real pain and lasting injury. Target the lower buttocks and the upper back. The risk is a little less with spanking than with a tool, but with pain play, always think safety first.

    You might try getting verbal with her as you spank her. Depending on whether she likes talking dirty, you might try something like "yeah, this is what you want, isn't it, bitch?" And then force her to answer you.

    Some subs get quite an erotic charge out of being forced to verbalize their desires. Just last night I met a new boy for the first time, and he was really nervous--he was convinced everyone in the coffeehouse knew what we were doing. Really early on, I said "what do you want, boy?" And he kind of stuttered around and finally said "what we talked about online." Right there I knew I'd found a button and I said "I want you to say it out loud." I thought he was gonna orgasm right there as he struggled to say "I want to be at your feet licking your boots." If your gf is anything like this guy, she may have a sense of shame about what she wants, and being forced to say it out loud might A) be very arousing for her and B) be therapeutic.

    If you find that she's struggling with anything (like saying her desires out loud or letting herself relax enough to enjoy something), praise her when she makes progress. Tell her how proud you are of her. I told my boy last night that I was proud that he had worked up the courage to meet. Lots of subs want their dom to be an authority figure who both praises and disciplines them.

    L8: I've got a lot of natural talent for psychology. My mom taught me from a very young age to reflect on my feelings and explore them, and it's taught me how to understand other people better. I've often thought that if I hadn't been a historian, I might have been a therapist. I've done therapy a number of times myself (and actually, since I've realized my dominance, I've thought about going back and exploring a few issues), and I've done a little bit of reading about therapy. And when I first got into d/s play, I did a ton of reading about it, including the psychology of it. A lot of the stuff I post is really just what seems like common sense to me.

    D/s play is inherently dramatic and theatrical, and it can easily tap into the same things that role-playing therapy taps into. I think part of what happens for a sub is that a good dom wears two hats simultaneously. The outer hat is the cruel master, the one who selfishly inflicts pain, humiliation, and so on. The inner hat is the loving partner, the one who helps the sub meet his or her needs, expresses love and affection, and so on. So the dom can simultaneously be a trusted guide and traumatic figure to be confronted. The sub knows that the dom isn't really an abusive father or a rapist, and therefore it can become safe for the sub to acknowledge his or her feelings about the person who hurt him or her.

    But obviously this gets into very deep water. So it has to be done slowly, like desensitization therapy for a fear of spiders or flying. And the dom has to be prepared to stop if the sub shows signs of being upset.
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  12. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    thanks for the safety tips Sebastian I would hate to have to make another sex related trip to the ER. as for verbal abuse I would have to make it pretty extreme to shock or offend her (her father is an Irishman who spent years berating her for being bisexual) but I will give it a try. as for voicing her desires she is totally comfortable with it in fact she likes to whisper really dirty things in my ear in public to turn me on. But one thing I have been thinking of expanding on is our "public dares" as we call them one of us will dare the do something in public and the reward is getting the other to do anything(one of mine was french kissing a man in a catholic church and one of hers was wearing a mini skirt with no panties for a week) any ideas on how we can expand on that ?
  13. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    If she likes being verbal, then be really dirty. You don't need to shock her. The idea is to verbalize desire and therefore validate it. As you've figured out, I'm really into the mental game of bdsm, so I do all sorts of stuff verbally. For example, when I'm torturing a boy's tits, I'll lean in real close and whisper "This really hurts, doesn't it? You can barely stand it. If you beg me the right way, I might stop." Doing that focuses the sub's attention, shakes up their ability to manage the pain, and cues him that I want to hear him beg. Another trick is to tell the sub what you're feeling. "I'm getting so fucking hard watching you try to manage the pain." Or try taunting her for enjoying what you're doing. This works really well with a lot of male subs, but I don't know how effective it is with female subs, who typically are less into being humiliated. I'll say stuff like "No real man would let me do this shit. It's pathetic how you're just lying there letting me beat your ass." I'll also make the boy repeat what I just said "Yes, sir, I'm a worthless pussyboy."

    When I watch bdsm porn, I'm often startled by how little verbal interaction the dom has with the sub. I've seen footage of guys who are big names in bdsm porn and thought, "I can do a more interesting scene than that, just by opening my mouth!"
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  14. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    I think she would really be into this I certainly am (I'm getting a pretty horny just reading about it) looking back on our session earlier today a bit of communication would have made thinks a lot more hotter. p.s any ideas on our public dares
  15. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    Damn Seb, even *I* got horny reading that. Guess there's a sub side to me after all.

    Anyhoooo~ public dares huh? I guess to up the ante on the mini-skirt with no panties dare you could have her wear a ponytail buttplug. A small one if she's not used to doing anything anal or if she hasn't been trained. Definitely research anal training before you do it! A lot can go wrong if you do it wrong (but that pretty much sums up BDSM/D/s right there). Anyway, you could go to the mall with her wearing that and have her ride up the escalator with a shopping bag between her feet. I don't remember WHICH thread on read that on on this forum, but that was what one dom/sub did.

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