Where would I fit in the BDSM comunity?

Gilgland · Nov 8, 2010

Since my last post a lot has happened, and I largely have all of the lovely people on this post to thank for that. At the suggestion of @L8NightQ I read The Loving Dominant and I'm working on SM 101 and have learned a lot and gained a lot of self assurance that communication is such an intracle part of any relationship, but exponentially more so when BDSM is a part of that relationship, that it would have been foolish for me to have tried to guess my way through things, and probably would have resulted in bad experiences for one or both of us.

I actually had a chance to visit a club/ dungeon in the DC area with some friends and surprisingly felt right at home. It was such a relaxed, nonjudgmental environment that I couldn't help but have a great time. By the end of the night one of the friends that went with me, who has a considerable amount more experience than my ex or myself, asked me to do a scene with her. Once the ground rules were set, which took all of 2 minutes, we both had an amazing time. It really showed me that if the communication is present to the point that I feel that neither person's boundaries are crossed that I not only am capable, but thoroughly enjoy both the physical and mental side of it. I actually had a strangely wonderful experience during the scene where everything fell away and the only thing that I was aware of was being fully immersed in the moment with the other person. When I "came back to reality" I realized that a lot of the hang ups and self doubt that I had before were nowhere to be found and that feeling has not left me since. I actually was comfortable enough with the situation that I tried some forms of play that I never would have even entertained the thought of in my previous relationship and I loved every second of it. I was able to go through everything without hesitation or doubt and it made it great for us both. She actually commented that, from what she heard from my ex and others involved, that I didn't want to explore or try new things and she made the comment that it was pretty clear that it was my ex's lack of communication that held things back for us, not my lack of desire or ability.

Another thing that the experience showed me was that, if this is where I want things to be, it is possible for both parties to separate scene from reality, which was a major concern of mine. That what you say or do in the moment has no impact on how you truly feel about that person and therefore you can do some pretty radical things in the moment but as soon as the scene is over you both know you are now back on an equal playing field and that neither party ACTUALLY thinks any less of the person and in reality there is more respect between the people involved.

Thank you all again for your help. I really feel like I can move forward knowing that the past is the past and the only use in looking back is to learn from it and that the future holds great things for me.

sebastian · Nov 8, 2010

Gil, that's great! I've so happy you had a breakthrough here. They are amazing when they happen, aren't they? You discover pieces of yourself you didn't know about.

Be aware that you're still going to have moments of self-doubt. The only doms who never doubt themselves are characters in porn. I'm growing to be a pretty good dom, and I get lots of compliments from the guys I play with, but last night I had a real attack of doubt. A dom friend of mine had arranged a scene where he meet a boy who was visiting on business. I came in a little later, after the boy was blindfolded, and 'bought' him from my friend. I was all set to torture the boy for the evening, when the boy suddenly told me that he didn't like pain.

That was like driving across a road full of nails at full speed. Pain play is primary pleasure. Hearing a boy begging me to stop hurting him gets me crazy aroused. So when this boy said that, I thought "Shit! What do I do with this boy? I can't do pain. That's 65% of my game. We're already past the preliminary head games stage, so I can't get to him that way." I fumbled around and made him lick my boots, but I was so worried I completely lost my hard-on and couldn't get it back even when he was blowing me, which naturally cut my self-confidence even more. I was expecting things to be a total disaster and to go home feeling shitty about myself. Fortunately, another dom and sub arrived, and that boy loves pain. Just a little play with him brought my mojo back, and I was able to make pretty satisfying use of both boys over the rest of the evening.

My point, and I realize I was droning on there, is that things will happen occasionally to through you for a loop. The thing to do is to learn from each disaster so you're prepared the next time that thing happens. I've learned now that I need to double check with the guy who organized things, to make sure that the boy he's offering me likes to be hurt.

Gilgland · Nov 9, 2010

Thanks Sebastian. Yes it was wonderful and I really do think I found places in myself that I either didn't know about or was afraid of letting out. We all have monsters inside that, and I'm actually borrowing a bit from John Warren on this because he said it so well, we have to take out and parade around when we do a scene and I have been very scared of letting them out for fear of not being able to control them but I let one out on a very tight leash and discovered that it really doesn't take as much as I thought to keep the little bugger under enough control to have fun and really let that dominate side of me shine through but also make sure I don't lose control of it and really do damage to someone physically or mentally.

I'm glad you were able to work through your hiccup and I hope I am able to do so as well when they inevitably come up. I think that is a lesson I also needed, that mistakes are inevitable and if I agonize over trying to not make any at all I will never do anything. I guess the thing to do is try to be with people who you know won't judge you for mistakes and when you make them learn from them so it doesn't become a negative but instead is a part of your growth on the journey.

Thank you all again for your input, I cannot tell you how much it has helped!

I also wanted to ask if any one had experienced the same feeling I did in the moment. It felt like the two of us were the only people in the world, in our own little bubble, even though we were in the middle of about two hundred other people and I guess the best way to say it is that it was like being in one of those dreams/ fantasies where your not consciously controlling your actions, everything just kind of happens. The only other time I had felt anything of that kind, when not dreaming, was through very deep meditation in my martial arts training but never with the lucidness that came with this. One person I talked about this feeling with used the term "Top space" as opposed to "sub space". Could any one else explain this in a bit more detail?

L8NightQ · Nov 9, 2010

Wow G!

I'm really glad to hear your feedback. Looks like your eyes have been opened.

Just remember.... This is just the beginning, but from what I hear.... this is where you belong.
Please keep us informed about how things are going from time to time.

Have you started acquiring equipment and tools yet?

I (and I'm sure others too) could give you some ideas on some of the standards you will need.

By the way.. The first one, the one who cheated on you? She wasn't going to work out no matter what you did. Just thought I'd mention that.

Lastly, you mentioned the "Dom Space" feeling. This was just the beginning too. I applaud you for the fact that you noticed it so quickly. This is why BDSM relationships are so intense. You were actually in your sub's space and soaking up the energy from it.
It can make you feel almost drunk, right?

Well, you got my attention G. Let me/us know if there is anything else you need.

sebastian · Nov 9, 2010

Gil, I have something kind of like what you get, only different. I'm a very analytical person. I have a part of me that I call my shotgun rider that is constantly analyzing whatever I'm doing. The result is that I never have totally unmediated emotional experiences. My rider helps buffer my feelings. I remember that when my ex was breaking up with me, my rider said "so this is what it's like to be an abandoned woman."

It never shuts up, except when I'm doing bdsm. For some reason, whenever I dom (but not sub), the rider gets very quiet. It offers some useful analysis like "he's fidgeting, so you need to focus his attention", but that's about it. BDSM puts me almost completely in the moment, and in my body, in a way that nothing else does.

It's great that you can get into top space so easily. My only advice is that when you are domming, you always need to be paying attention to your sub. So make sure that you don't get so deep into it that you stop being present and vigilant. That's when accidents happen.

L8NightQ · Nov 9, 2010

That was really good advice Seb.

Gilgland · Nov 11, 2010

thank you both. I am really looking forward to exploring this part of my life more.

I am actually about to move out of the area from VA to FL in the next few months so I am not trying to really get into another relationship until I move, plus I think I need that time to still heal from this previous relationship completely. However, in the meantime I am talking to a lot of people locally who are into the lifestyle and am learning a lot.

Yes I have some equipment, the ex and I bought a spreader bar, a dental gag, and a pinwheel about a week before the cheating began and I only got to try out the gag and wheel on one occasion each. Since then I have purchased 2 pairs of leather cuffs (one padded, one not), and two floggers (one with about 9inch tassels and one about 1 1/2 feet) I am a bit hesitant to use the floggers until I have had a bit of training so that I know what I'm doing, and can be both confident and at least have a basic skill level before I try using on in a scene.I think my next purchase may be a crop, as I had some good experiences with that in the past, however all of the ones I've used belong to the ex so I'm now shopping around. When I was at the BDSM club I saw a wonderful Shibari demonstration and I have been contacting the gentleman who put it on to see where I could begin with basic rope work as well.

Thanks L8, i have come to the sad realization that is very true and no matter how much I wanted it to work, it takes two people working towards the same goal to have a healthy relationship and she was not willing to put in her share. I think that she is so caught up with chasing that warm fuzzy feeling that is in fact infatuation and lust not love, that she refuses to realize that she has made poor decisions. Unfortunately she has made it very clear, and told me point blank when I have tried to help her, that she is the type of person who has to learn by negative experiences and she will not take the advice of those around her who care for her the most, her friends and family. I am very saddened that I have to step back and watch her hurt herself but it is really the only way she will truly learn the things that life needs to teach her. That said, I am now in the proses of moving on and hopefully I will be able to soon. This is not helped by the fact that we work together but I have had as little interaction with her as possible and, as I said before, I should be in FL before the end of the year. I basically am trying to take all of the good experiences and lessons about my life and myself that I learned while with her and through the breakup and use them as I move to the next stage of my life. Fortunately, there is a lot of positive to take with me.

And yes! that feeling was intoxicating.

Seb, I am in the same boat you are in. I have a tenancy to over analyze everything that I do and it, many times, leads to second guessing myself. I try to see every possible outcome of nearly every decision I make, even the arbitrary ones such as where to go for lunch lol. Those moments of clarity are so amazing for me, where I just act and don't deliberate and agonize over the details.That said I strive to be very conscientious of things to make sure I am still aware of little signals that may be signs that I am approaching a limit. I guess the key is to quiet the rider with out shutting him up completely so that the scene becomes organic and flowing but still has safety implements present.

Thank you both again for your encouragement and suggestions, please know I take both to heart.

Do either of you have any helpful hints on other equipment to look into and good places to begin when I get back into a relationship, especially if that person may not have explored that side of themselves? Fortunately the girl I played with at the club was a good friend and fairly experienced so she had a lot of good feedback and at the same time was able to find her subspace fairly easily but she is just a friend so there was and will not be any sexual play/contact between us and I am admittedly a bit nervous about what to do when it is no longer a friend, but a romantic interest that I play with.

sebastian · Nov 11, 2010

Equipment to get: My advice would be to get a blindfold or an eyeless hood. Both are quite cheap and blinding your sub can really help them feel powerless and uncertain. It also helps hide your own moments of hesitation. You might also invest in an electric toothbrush. You can do a lot of interesting things with one--brush their soft and ticklish spots, the nips, the genitals, the ass, then turn the brush on and repeat. Every guy I've use it on has immediately started making noise, and they have no idea what you're using.

Flogging: Read the FAQ for basic safety guidelines on where you can and can't hit. I have limited flogging experience, but here are a few tips. Most floggers have a nob at the far end of the handle, from which the tails sprout. A good flogger is balanced on the handle just below that nob. If the balance is any further out from your hand, you will quickly start getting fatigued. Practice make strokes using just your wrist, keeping the elbow fairly motionless; you can do up and down, side-by-side, and figure 8 strokes. If you do use your elbow and draw back for a stroke, after the stroke comes down, use your other hand to gather up the tails of the flogger and straighten them out before you do the next stroke. (Does that makes sense?) That will help keep the tails landing in roughly the same spot instead of scattering them across the target's back. Practice on a pillow or a large stuffed animal until you can be fairly consistent about hitting the spot you're targeting.

L8NightQ · Nov 12, 2010

Toy Bag Suggestions

G - I have suggestions for the additions to your toy bag

I decided to add my suggestions to the end of the Beginner FAQ thread so check there.

Good luck.

Gilgland · Nov 13, 2010

Thanks for the suggestions. Looks like I still hav some shopping to do lol.

Where would I fit in the BDSM comunity?

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