Where would I fit in the BDSM comunity?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Gilgland, Oct 11, 2010.

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  1. Gilgland

    Gilgland New Member

    I am new to the scene and I am trying to figure out where, and what role I fit into best. I know I am not a submissive but that only cuts out half of a great many possibilities. If any one knows what to call it when,in the bedroom and the relationship I want us both to have a good time but ultimately put my partner's desires before mine and my goal is to make sure the other person is having fun and being fulfilled, but I like tieing the other person to the bed, watching them look up at me from their knees, spanking them, and being the one doing the giving, let me know cause I haven't really figured it out yet. Ultimately I want an equal with submissive tastes I guess lol.

    Any help would be much appreciated. I just got out of a relationship after a year and a half because I was cheated on and the reason that was given was that she was tired of waiting on me to be a full blown Dom. asking if she was ok, and wanting her to make a list of things she was interested in trying. One thing that terrifies me is the thought of hurting someone I care about and that is why I did all of that in that relationship.

    I must note that I have been curious about BDSM stuff for years but this was my first sexual relationship. She has made it clear after the fact that she wants to be a slave but I am not the kind of person to be the master type. I like my partner and I to have equal say in what we do in and out of the bedroom. I am open to the fact I may be a Dom. or top that just hasn't had enough experience to be comfortable taking charge and I think that may be the case.

    Again i am a bit confused as to where I might fit in or what to call what I am. If any one else has gone through this or has insight on it and could give some advice that would be amazing.
    -Thank you
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2010
  2. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    Hi G -

    Just a few thoughts in response to your note.

    1. Please read thru the beginners FAQ (Read this first) post. Pay particular attention to Sebastians entry regarding the inner and outer layers of BDSM. I think that will help you to visualize a bit more about who "we" are.

    2. It sounds like you still fit into a "Top" category, if you must try to fit yourself into a box. You are a pretty vanilla partner in a social setting, but you like to dominate in the bedroom. What's the difference between a Top and a Dom? Not that much, except that a Dom has learned enough, and done it long enough to describe himself that way.

    Over time I think you'll come to realize that most decent Tops feel just like you, except for the whole equal thing, but you can play with your lover any way it works best for you. In many cases, your lover will have more say over what happens than you think. (You'll understand more later)

    3. See if you can get your hands on a a few books that should reside permanently in your drawer. The Loving Dominant by John Warren, Jay Wisemans book called SM 101, and The New Topping Book, by Easton and Hardy. I listed them in priority order. SM 101 sounds harsh, but don't let it intimidate you. It has some really good insights and some funny common sense "post it" type notes.

    Each of these books will provide insight on why "we" are who we are, and help you understand much more about where your relationship can go. They also provide a good amount of educational stuff about safety, and what the difference is between "Hurt" and "Harm".

    The beginners thread also lists some other web based content that you can quickly read up on (if you haven't already).

    ...... I think soon you will realize that the first outer layer of BDSM, the stuff that's portrayed in the movies, and many internet clips, represents only an outside view of who "we", and "you" are.

    I'm sure whatever I missed, the others will fill in quite well.

    Welcome to the forum.

    Stick around and participate.

    By the way.... Don't let anybody define who you are. You're best at that.
    She may be a bit ahead of you, but give it time and I think you'll find yourselves more aligned than you think.
     
  3. Gilgland

    Gilgland New Member

    I really appreciate the insight. I just had a conversation with a close friend that has been in the lifestyle for many years and he had the same theories on what box I'd probably fit into best if I had to put myself into one. I think communication is going to be the biggest thing next time around. In this past relationship I could not get a straight enough answer from her on what was ok and not, things she wanted to try, or even how much she wanted me to take charge in the relationship both in and out of the bedroom that I never felt safe trying anything extreme for fear of crossing a line and she expected me to just know how she wanted it. I defiantly am not opposed to the idea of taking things past the bedroom but I think that will take a lot of both self evaluation and communication with my next partner.

    In talking to my friend it dawned on me that I never realized that when I looked at what I thought would be pleasing to her I projected my own likes and dislikes on to her and of course that confused me because I don't enjoy being dominated.

    I guess I just need to do some more homework and figure out what i want out of the experience before I get into my next relationship.

    Thank you for the warm welcome into the forum, if you are a good example of the community I think I found a pretty great resource for exploring this new part of my life and hopefully, with experience, contributing to others. Thank you again.
     
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Any good dom ought to be concerned that the sub is enjoying the experience and ought to be very upset about the thought of actually harming the sub. There is a world of difference between inflicting erotic pain ('hurting' the sub) and inflicting bodily injury or real emotional trauma ('harming the sub'). Doms who aren't concerned about the sub's enjoyment or about harming the sub are variously assholes, abusers, or rapists.

    From what you've said, you're a dom who simply hasn't found his confidence in the bedroom yet. Confidence is the hardest part of domming; I still get performance anxiety occasionally. So what you're experiencing isn't uncommon.

    Understanding sub psychology is difficult for doms. I still occasionally think "Oh, I can't do THAT. The sub would never like THAT." And usually it turns out I'm wrong. The trick is to realize that subs enjoy experiences that most other people would be upset by. So talk to your prospective partner and find out what she likes and wants to receive and what she absolutely doesn't like or want to receive. Then play within those limits until you are confident that you've mastered a few things. Then start to explore things you enjoy that might push her limits a little bit.
     
  5. Gilgland

    Gilgland New Member

    In a lot of ways I wish i had this conversation a year ago, the relationship still may have gone south but I would have had the confidence to try more things that I was too timid to out a fear of hurting her. But I guess you live and learn and I'll know next time around. I guess I'll need to be a little more adventurous and my partner, who ever that may be, will need to be a bit better with the communication than my last. I told this last one that if I did cross a line I would feel like I had taken advantage of her and even raped her, and not in a fun way, and I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had but her mantra was always "Go until I say stop" and I was just not ok with that, especially since, in some scenes, she was bound and gagged and we both enjoyed her "putting up a fight". I guess I will just need to find that balance between caring so much that I don't do anything and doing every little twisted thing that pops into my head with out knowing if its ok ahead of time.

    What scares me for her now is she has told me she is now looking for some one who will be even more dominant that the guy she cheated with and he is right in between a Dom and Master. I just really hope she doesn't run into someone who doesn't respect her limits and she gets hurt as a result. We may have split but I still want the best for her and I just hope she won't get hurt while shes exploring herself.
    Thank y'all again.
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2010
  6. fdxjettech

    fdxjettech New Member

    I feel your pain, dude. My wife made the same request of me 8 weeks ago. She wants to include not only BDSM play in our sex but also a real life D/s relationship including Domestic Discipline (think spanking but not for sexual pleasure).

    I fell right into the sex slave/master part. Thats easy. Once she got through to me that she WANTS me to USE her body for MY sexual pleasure. For Two weeks I fucked her 8- 10 time a day and got at least a dozen blow jobs EVERY day. I was trying to break her. My little slut didn't break though.

    The part I have the problem with is the possibility of really hurting her. I gave her her first Discipline spanking with a belt Thursday night. I Felt horrible for two days after I saw the bruising. I felt like a total asshole. I really love this woman how can I hurt her. But Its WHAT SHE WANTS. And that's how we have to look at it. After she quit crying....(I tore her ass up good) SHe thanked me and told me she felt more love there than in all the times I've pulled my cock out for her to please me.

    It gets easier
     
  7. fdxjettech

    fdxjettech New Member

    Dude

    Do everything twisted you can think of and enjoy. Thats when their inner slut comes out.....They love that shit too. Subs love for you to USE them. Then they have the excuse that they only did it cause they were made to.
     
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    A couple points. 1) Use safe words. Figure out a code word that she can use to tell you she wants you to stop. A safe word lets her say 'stop' and you know she means 'keep going', but when she says her safe word (like 'red'), you know she means 'stop.' That way you can have confidence that she's enjoying your treatment and not simply tolerating it. If she's gagged, use a safe toy (an object she can drop if she needs you to stop) or some other sound or gesture (like three quick grunts, or shaking her head).
    2) Subs aren't the only ones with limits. Doms have limits as well. Fd, it sounds like you're struggling because your limits are, at the moment, narrower than your wife's are. That's ok. If you're not ready to use her as aggressively as she wants, you have a right to say that to her. Explain that leaving bruises (or whatever) makes you uncomfortable and that you need to slow down to get comfortable with what she's craving. Make it clear that you will try to push your limits to meet hers, but in the end, you're the dom. You get to tell her that you don't enjoy leaving bruises and therefore won't do it. It's the same thing as telling her she doesn't get to cum tonight. You are stretching yourself to be the dom she wants; she has an obligation to give you the room to grow at your rate. Doms do not have an obligation to do anything they do not enjoy, and they have an obligation to not do something that actually unsafe or outside their skill level.
    3) On the other hand, realize that many subs really do enjoy extreme treatment. Trust her to be honest about hitting her limits. If she wants bruises, realize that they arouse her. She's not sick; she's just wired to respond to pain differently than you are. Some subs really want the feeling of being forced to do things that they aren't supposed to want; they enjoy feeling slutty, or can't give themselves permission to indulge without force. Other subs love knowing that they are being of use and service to their dom. Knowing that they are making their dom's life easier gives them a sense of purpose.
     
  9. Gilgland

    Gilgland New Member

    I agree with you on all of that I guess I'll just have to grow in my confidence and keep communication going. Thank you for the suggestion on the safe actions as well as the words because that was a huge concern of mine, how dose someone communicate when there immobilized and have there mouth busy?
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2010
  10. Phoray

    Phoray Member

    Not to steal thread, but to share in frustration

    This also happens to be my first post (yes, I read the required FAQ *smile*)

    3 or so years ago I encountered a submissive slave type- I had never even heard of such a thing as I was more familiar with bedroom play, not lifestyle ... well when it's lifestyle, it's not really "play" anymore. To me at least.

    I admitted my surprise (it wasn't negative surprise, just "wow, really?") which may have been construed as negative. He further explained his position, listed his past experience (he wasn't new to it), and asked if I could be his abusive mistress. I admitted I wasn't sure- I'd have to definitely, absolutely, know what he was willing to be put up with. Especially as he was not just a slave, but one that wanted constant (literally) verbal abuse and pretty frequent physical abuse. I thought admitting my inexperience and concern for his overall welfare with a statement of eager anticipation was a responsible move to make. In the end, however, he stopped all contact due to my "concern." At least, I think that is why- he never explained his stance for refusal to continue contact.

    I was 19 with some experience in basic bedroom dominance play and I'd never met this person- we met online. Was this really the wrong tactic on my part? Safety is my main concern, both of myself and of the male I would wish to dominate. Honesty is definitely second on the list.

    someone mentioned just doing what you want until they say no- but is that really something you'd want to do with no discussion after the initial admittance of that sort of need?

    so similar story, although mine was a stranger and not a relationship.
     
  11. Gilgland

    Gilgland New Member

    Since my last post a lot has happened, and I largely have all of the lovely people on this post to thank for that. At the suggestion of @L8NightQ I read The Loving Dominant and I'm working on SM 101 and have learned a lot and gained a lot of self assurance that communication is such an intracle part of any relationship, but exponentially more so when BDSM is a part of that relationship, that it would have been foolish for me to have tried to guess my way through things, and probably would have resulted in bad experiences for one or both of us.

    I actually had a chance to visit a club/ dungeon in the DC area with some friends and surprisingly felt right at home. It was such a relaxed, nonjudgmental environment that I couldn't help but have a great time. By the end of the night one of the friends that went with me, who has a considerable amount more experience than my ex or myself, asked me to do a scene with her. Once the ground rules were set, which took all of 2 minutes, we both had an amazing time. It really showed me that if the communication is present to the point that I feel that neither person's boundaries are crossed that I not only am capable, but thoroughly enjoy both the physical and mental side of it. I actually had a strangely wonderful experience during the scene where everything fell away and the only thing that I was aware of was being fully immersed in the moment with the other person. When I "came back to reality" I realized that a lot of the hang ups and self doubt that I had before were nowhere to be found and that feeling has not left me since. I actually was comfortable enough with the situation that I tried some forms of play that I never would have even entertained the thought of in my previous relationship and I loved every second of it. I was able to go through everything without hesitation or doubt and it made it great for us both. She actually commented that, from what she heard from my ex and others involved, that I didn't want to explore or try new things and she made the comment that it was pretty clear that it was my ex's lack of communication that held things back for us, not my lack of desire or ability.

    Another thing that the experience showed me was that, if this is where I want things to be, it is possible for both parties to separate scene from reality, which was a major concern of mine. That what you say or do in the moment has no impact on how you truly feel about that person and therefore you can do some pretty radical things in the moment but as soon as the scene is over you both know you are now back on an equal playing field and that neither party ACTUALLY thinks any less of the person and in reality there is more respect between the people involved.

    Thank you all again for your help. I really feel like I can move forward knowing that the past is the past and the only use in looking back is to learn from it and that the future holds great things for me.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2010
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Gil, that's great! I've so happy you had a breakthrough here. They are amazing when they happen, aren't they? You discover pieces of yourself you didn't know about.

    Be aware that you're still going to have moments of self-doubt. The only doms who never doubt themselves are characters in porn. I'm growing to be a pretty good dom, and I get lots of compliments from the guys I play with, but last night I had a real attack of doubt. A dom friend of mine had arranged a scene where he meet a boy who was visiting on business. I came in a little later, after the boy was blindfolded, and 'bought' him from my friend. I was all set to torture the boy for the evening, when the boy suddenly told me that he didn't like pain.

    That was like driving across a road full of nails at full speed. Pain play is primary pleasure. Hearing a boy begging me to stop hurting him gets me crazy aroused. So when this boy said that, I thought "Shit! What do I do with this boy? I can't do pain. That's 65% of my game. We're already past the preliminary head games stage, so I can't get to him that way." I fumbled around and made him lick my boots, but I was so worried I completely lost my hard-on and couldn't get it back even when he was blowing me, which naturally cut my self-confidence even more. I was expecting things to be a total disaster and to go home feeling shitty about myself. Fortunately, another dom and sub arrived, and that boy loves pain. Just a little play with him brought my mojo back, and I was able to make pretty satisfying use of both boys over the rest of the evening.

    My point, and I realize I was droning on there, is that things will happen occasionally to through you for a loop. The thing to do is to learn from each disaster so you're prepared the next time that thing happens. I've learned now that I need to double check with the guy who organized things, to make sure that the boy he's offering me likes to be hurt.
     
  13. Gilgland

    Gilgland New Member

    Thanks Sebastian. Yes it was wonderful and I really do think I found places in myself that I either didn't know about or was afraid of letting out. We all have monsters inside that, and I'm actually borrowing a bit from John Warren on this because he said it so well, we have to take out and parade around when we do a scene and I have been very scared of letting them out for fear of not being able to control them but I let one out on a very tight leash and discovered that it really doesn't take as much as I thought to keep the little bugger under enough control to have fun and really let that dominate side of me shine through but also make sure I don't lose control of it and really do damage to someone physically or mentally.

    I'm glad you were able to work through your hiccup and I hope I am able to do so as well when they inevitably come up. I think that is a lesson I also needed, that mistakes are inevitable and if I agonize over trying to not make any at all I will never do anything. I guess the thing to do is try to be with people who you know won't judge you for mistakes and when you make them learn from them so it doesn't become a negative but instead is a part of your growth on the journey.

    Thank you all again for your input, I cannot tell you how much it has helped!

    I also wanted to ask if any one had experienced the same feeling I did in the moment. It felt like the two of us were the only people in the world, in our own little bubble, even though we were in the middle of about two hundred other people and I guess the best way to say it is that it was like being in one of those dreams/ fantasies where your not consciously controlling your actions, everything just kind of happens. The only other time I had felt anything of that kind, when not dreaming, was through very deep meditation in my martial arts training but never with the lucidness that came with this. One person I talked about this feeling with used the term "Top space" as opposed to "sub space". Could any one else explain this in a bit more detail?
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2010
  14. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    Wow G!

    I'm really glad to hear your feedback. Looks like your eyes have been opened.

    Just remember.... This is just the beginning, but from what I hear.... this is where you belong.
    Please keep us informed about how things are going from time to time.

    Have you started acquiring equipment and tools yet?

    I (and I'm sure others too) could give you some ideas on some of the standards you will need.

    By the way.. The first one, the one who cheated on you? She wasn't going to work out no matter what you did. Just thought I'd mention that.

    Lastly, you mentioned the "Dom Space" feeling. This was just the beginning too. I applaud you for the fact that you noticed it so quickly. This is why BDSM relationships are so intense. You were actually in your sub's space and soaking up the energy from it.
    It can make you feel almost drunk, right?

    Well, you got my attention G. Let me/us know if there is anything else you need.
     
  15. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Gil, I have something kind of like what you get, only different. I'm a very analytical person. I have a part of me that I call my shotgun rider that is constantly analyzing whatever I'm doing. The result is that I never have totally unmediated emotional experiences. My rider helps buffer my feelings. I remember that when my ex was breaking up with me, my rider said "so this is what it's like to be an abandoned woman."

    It never shuts up, except when I'm doing bdsm. For some reason, whenever I dom (but not sub), the rider gets very quiet. It offers some useful analysis like "he's fidgeting, so you need to focus his attention", but that's about it. BDSM puts me almost completely in the moment, and in my body, in a way that nothing else does.

    It's great that you can get into top space so easily. My only advice is that when you are domming, you always need to be paying attention to your sub. So make sure that you don't get so deep into it that you stop being present and vigilant. That's when accidents happen.
     
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