Where would I fit in the BDSM comunity?

Gilgland

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I am new to the scene and I am trying to figure out where, and what role I fit into best. I know I am not a submissive but that only cuts out half of a great many possibilities. If any one knows what to call it when,in the bedroom and the relationship I want us both to have a good time but ultimately put my partner's desires before mine and my goal is to make sure the other person is having fun and being fulfilled, but I like tieing the other person to the bed, watching them look up at me from their knees, spanking them, and being the one doing the giving, let me know cause I haven't really figured it out yet. Ultimately I want an equal with submissive tastes I guess lol.

Any help would be much appreciated. I just got out of a relationship after a year and a half because I was cheated on and the reason that was given was that she was tired of waiting on me to be a full blown Dom. asking if she was ok, and wanting her to make a list of things she was interested in trying. One thing that terrifies me is the thought of hurting someone I care about and that is why I did all of that in that relationship.

I must note that I have been curious about BDSM stuff for years but this was my first sexual relationship. She has made it clear after the fact that she wants to be a slave but I am not the kind of person to be the master type. I like my partner and I to have equal say in what we do in and out of the bedroom. I am open to the fact I may be a Dom. or top that just hasn't had enough experience to be comfortable taking charge and I think that may be the case.

Again i am a bit confused as to where I might fit in or what to call what I am. If any one else has gone through this or has insight on it and could give some advice that would be amazing.
-Thank you
 
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L8NightQ

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Hi G -

Just a few thoughts in response to your note.

1. Please read thru the beginners FAQ (Read this first) post. Pay particular attention to Sebastians entry regarding the inner and outer layers of BDSM. I think that will help you to visualize a bit more about who "we" are.

2. It sounds like you still fit into a "Top" category, if you must try to fit yourself into a box. You are a pretty vanilla partner in a social setting, but you like to dominate in the bedroom. What's the difference between a Top and a Dom? Not that much, except that a Dom has learned enough, and done it long enough to describe himself that way.

Over time I think you'll come to realize that most decent Tops feel just like you, except for the whole equal thing, but you can play with your lover any way it works best for you. In many cases, your lover will have more say over what happens than you think. (You'll understand more later)

3. See if you can get your hands on a a few books that should reside permanently in your drawer. The Loving Dominant by John Warren, Jay Wisemans book called SM 101, and The New Topping Book, by Easton and Hardy. I listed them in priority order. SM 101 sounds harsh, but don't let it intimidate you. It has some really good insights and some funny common sense "post it" type notes.

Each of these books will provide insight on why "we" are who we are, and help you understand much more about where your relationship can go. They also provide a good amount of educational stuff about safety, and what the difference is between "Hurt" and "Harm".

The beginners thread also lists some other web based content that you can quickly read up on (if you haven't already).

...... I think soon you will realize that the first outer layer of BDSM, the stuff that's portrayed in the movies, and many internet clips, represents only an outside view of who "we", and "you" are.

I'm sure whatever I missed, the others will fill in quite well.

Welcome to the forum.

Stick around and participate.

By the way.... Don't let anybody define who you are. You're best at that.
She may be a bit ahead of you, but give it time and I think you'll find yourselves more aligned than you think.
 
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Gilgland

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Hi G -

Just a few thoughts in response to your note.

1. Please read thru the beginners FAQ (Read this first) post. Pay particular attention to Sebastians entry regarding the inner and outer layers of BDSM. I think that will help you to visualize a bit more about who "we" are.

2. It sounds like you still fit into a "Top" category, if you must try to fit yourself into a box. You are a pretty vanilla partner in a social setting, but you like to dominate in the bedroom. What's the difference between a Top and a Dom? Not that much, except that a Dom has learned enough, and done it long enough to describe himself that way.

Over time I think you'll come to realize that most decent Tops feel just like you, except for the whole equal thing, but you can play with your lover any way it works best for you. In many cases, your lover will have more say over what happens than you think. (You'll understand more later)

3. See if you can get your hands on a a few books that should reside permanently in your drawer. The Loving Dominant by John Warren, Jay Wisemans book called SM 101, and The New Topping Book, by Easton and Hardy. I listed them in priority order. SM 101 sounds harsh, but don't let it intimidate you. It has some really good insights and some funny common sense "post it" type notes.

Each of these books will provide insight on why "we" are who we are, and help you understand much more about where your relationship can go. They also provide a good amount of educational stuff about safety, and what the difference is between "Hurt" and "Harm".

The beginners thread also lists some other web based content that you can quickly read up on (if you haven't already).

...... I think soon you will realize that the first outer layer of BDSM, the stuff that's portrayed in the movies, and many internet clips, represents only an outside view of who "we", and "you" are.

I'm sure whatever I missed, the others will fill in quite well.

Welcome to the forum.

Stick around and participate.

By the way.... Don't let anybody define who you are. You're best at that.
She may be a bit ahead of you, but give it time and I think you'll find yourselves more aligned than you think.

I really appreciate the insight. I just had a conversation with a close friend that has been in the lifestyle for many years and he had the same theories on what box I'd probably fit into best if I had to put myself into one. I think communication is going to be the biggest thing next time around. In this past relationship I could not get a straight enough answer from her on what was ok and not, things she wanted to try, or even how much she wanted me to take charge in the relationship both in and out of the bedroom that I never felt safe trying anything extreme for fear of crossing a line and she expected me to just know how she wanted it. I defiantly am not opposed to the idea of taking things past the bedroom but I think that will take a lot of both self evaluation and communication with my next partner.

In talking to my friend it dawned on me that I never realized that when I looked at what I thought would be pleasing to her I projected my own likes and dislikes on to her and of course that confused me because I don't enjoy being dominated.

I guess I just need to do some more homework and figure out what i want out of the experience before I get into my next relationship.

Thank you for the warm welcome into the forum, if you are a good example of the community I think I found a pretty great resource for exploring this new part of my life and hopefully, with experience, contributing to others. Thank you again.
 
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sebastian

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Any good dom ought to be concerned that the sub is enjoying the experience and ought to be very upset about the thought of actually harming the sub. There is a world of difference between inflicting erotic pain ('hurting' the sub) and inflicting bodily injury or real emotional trauma ('harming the sub'). Doms who aren't concerned about the sub's enjoyment or about harming the sub are variously assholes, abusers, or rapists.

From what you've said, you're a dom who simply hasn't found his confidence in the bedroom yet. Confidence is the hardest part of domming; I still get performance anxiety occasionally. So what you're experiencing isn't uncommon.

Understanding sub psychology is difficult for doms. I still occasionally think "Oh, I can't do THAT. The sub would never like THAT." And usually it turns out I'm wrong. The trick is to realize that subs enjoy experiences that most other people would be upset by. So talk to your prospective partner and find out what she likes and wants to receive and what she absolutely doesn't like or want to receive. Then play within those limits until you are confident that you've mastered a few things. Then start to explore things you enjoy that might push her limits a little bit.
 
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Gilgland

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Any good dom ought to be concerned that the sub is enjoying the experience and ought to be very upset about the thought of actually harming the sub. There is a world of difference between inflicting erotic pain ('hurting' the sub) and inflicting bodily injury or real emotional trauma ('harming the sub'). Doms who aren't concerned about the sub's enjoyment or about harming the sub are variously assholes, abusers, or rapists.

From what you've said, you're a dom who simply hasn't found his confidence in the bedroom yet. Confidence is the hardest part of domming; I still get performance anxiety occasionally. So what you're experiencing isn't uncommon.

Understanding sub psychology is difficult for doms. I still occasionally think "Oh, I can't do THAT. The sub would never like THAT." And usually it turns out I'm wrong. The trick is to realize that subs enjoy experiences that most other people would be upset by. So talk to your prospective partner and find out what she likes and wants to receive and what she absolutely doesn't like or want to receive. Then play within those limits until you are confident that you've mastered a few things. Then start to explore things you enjoy that might push her limits a little bit.

In a lot of ways I wish i had this conversation a year ago, the relationship still may have gone south but I would have had the confidence to try more things that I was too timid to out a fear of hurting her. But I guess you live and learn and I'll know next time around. I guess I'll need to be a little more adventurous and my partner, who ever that may be, will need to be a bit better with the communication than my last. I told this last one that if I did cross a line I would feel like I had taken advantage of her and even raped her, and not in a fun way, and I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had but her mantra was always "Go until I say stop" and I was just not ok with that, especially since, in some scenes, she was bound and gagged and we both enjoyed her "putting up a fight". I guess I will just need to find that balance between caring so much that I don't do anything and doing every little twisted thing that pops into my head with out knowing if its ok ahead of time.

What scares me for her now is she has told me she is now looking for some one who will be even more dominant that the guy she cheated with and he is right in between a Dom and Master. I just really hope she doesn't run into someone who doesn't respect her limits and she gets hurt as a result. We may have split but I still want the best for her and I just hope she won't get hurt while shes exploring herself.
Thank y'all again.
 
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fdxjettech

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I feel your pain, dude. My wife made the same request of me 8 weeks ago. She wants to include not only BDSM play in our sex but also a real life D/s relationship including Domestic Discipline (think spanking but not for sexual pleasure).

I fell right into the sex slave/master part. Thats easy. Once she got through to me that she WANTS me to USE her body for MY sexual pleasure. For Two weeks I fucked her 8- 10 time a day and got at least a dozen blow jobs EVERY day. I was trying to break her. My little slut didn't break though.

The part I have the problem with is the possibility of really hurting her. I gave her her first Discipline spanking with a belt Thursday night. I Felt horrible for two days after I saw the bruising. I felt like a total asshole. I really love this woman how can I hurt her. But Its WHAT SHE WANTS. And that's how we have to look at it. After she quit crying....(I tore her ass up good) SHe thanked me and told me she felt more love there than in all the times I've pulled my cock out for her to please me.

It gets easier
 
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sebastian

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A couple points. 1) Use safe words. Figure out a code word that she can use to tell you she wants you to stop. A safe word lets her say 'stop' and you know she means 'keep going', but when she says her safe word (like 'red'), you know she means 'stop.' That way you can have confidence that she's enjoying your treatment and not simply tolerating it. If she's gagged, use a safe toy (an object she can drop if she needs you to stop) or some other sound or gesture (like three quick grunts, or shaking her head).
2) Subs aren't the only ones with limits. Doms have limits as well. Fd, it sounds like you're struggling because your limits are, at the moment, narrower than your wife's are. That's ok. If you're not ready to use her as aggressively as she wants, you have a right to say that to her. Explain that leaving bruises (or whatever) makes you uncomfortable and that you need to slow down to get comfortable with what she's craving. Make it clear that you will try to push your limits to meet hers, but in the end, you're the dom. You get to tell her that you don't enjoy leaving bruises and therefore won't do it. It's the same thing as telling her she doesn't get to cum tonight. You are stretching yourself to be the dom she wants; she has an obligation to give you the room to grow at your rate. Doms do not have an obligation to do anything they do not enjoy, and they have an obligation to not do something that actually unsafe or outside their skill level.
3) On the other hand, realize that many subs really do enjoy extreme treatment. Trust her to be honest about hitting her limits. If she wants bruises, realize that they arouse her. She's not sick; she's just wired to respond to pain differently than you are. Some subs really want the feeling of being forced to do things that they aren't supposed to want; they enjoy feeling slutty, or can't give themselves permission to indulge without force. Other subs love knowing that they are being of use and service to their dom. Knowing that they are making their dom's life easier gives them a sense of purpose.
 
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Gilgland

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A couple points. 1) Use safe words. Figure out a code word that she can use to tell you she wants you to stop. A safe word lets her say 'stop' and you know she means 'keep going', but when she says her safe word (like 'red'), you know she means 'stop.' That way you can have confidence that she's enjoying your treatment and not simply tolerating it. If she's gagged, use a safe toy (an object she can drop if she needs you to stop) or some other sound or gesture (like three quick grunts, or shaking her head).
2) Subs aren't the only ones with limits. Doms have limits as well. Fd, it sounds like you're struggling because your limits are, at the moment, narrower than your wife's are. That's ok. If you're not ready to use her as aggressively as she wants, you have a right to say that to her. Explain that leaving bruises (or whatever) makes you uncomfortable and that you need to slow down to get comfortable with what she's craving. Make it clear that you will try to push your limits to meet hers, but in the end, you're the dom. You get to tell her that you don't enjoy leaving bruises and therefore won't do it. It's the same thing as telling her she doesn't get to cum tonight. You are stretching yourself to be the dom she wants; she has an obligation to give you the room to grow at your rate. Doms do not have an obligation to do anything they do not enjoy, and they have an obligation to not do something that actually unsafe or outside their skill level.
3) On the other hand, realize that many subs really do enjoy extreme treatment. Trust her to be honest about hitting her limits. If she wants bruises, realize that they arouse her. She's not sick; she's just wired to respond to pain differently than you are. Some subs really want the feeling of being forced to do things that they aren't supposed to want; they enjoy feeling slutty, or can't give themselves permission to indulge without force. Other subs love knowing that they are being of use and service to their dom. Knowing that they are making their dom's life easier gives them a sense of purpose.

I agree with you on all of that I guess I'll just have to grow in my confidence and keep communication going. Thank you for the suggestion on the safe actions as well as the words because that was a huge concern of mine, how dose someone communicate when there immobilized and have there mouth busy?
 
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Phoray

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Not to steal thread, but to share in frustration

This also happens to be my first post (yes, I read the required FAQ *smile*)

3 or so years ago I encountered a submissive slave type- I had never even heard of such a thing as I was more familiar with bedroom play, not lifestyle ... well when it's lifestyle, it's not really "play" anymore. To me at least.

I admitted my surprise (it wasn't negative surprise, just "wow, really?") which may have been construed as negative. He further explained his position, listed his past experience (he wasn't new to it), and asked if I could be his abusive mistress. I admitted I wasn't sure- I'd have to definitely, absolutely, know what he was willing to be put up with. Especially as he was not just a slave, but one that wanted constant (literally) verbal abuse and pretty frequent physical abuse. I thought admitting my inexperience and concern for his overall welfare with a statement of eager anticipation was a responsible move to make. In the end, however, he stopped all contact due to my "concern." At least, I think that is why- he never explained his stance for refusal to continue contact.

I was 19 with some experience in basic bedroom dominance play and I'd never met this person- we met online. Was this really the wrong tactic on my part? Safety is my main concern, both of myself and of the male I would wish to dominate. Honesty is definitely second on the list.

someone mentioned just doing what you want until they say no- but is that really something you'd want to do with no discussion after the initial admittance of that sort of need?

so similar story, although mine was a stranger and not a relationship.
 
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