A few newcomer questions

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Slaveman23, May 16, 2012.

  1. Slaveman23

    Slaveman23 New Member

    This may sound dumb but I need a little help understanding what I want. I have always been interested in anal play (I am a straight married man), bondage and being done in the rear by my wife. Well I finally told her. Now this is the part I'm not exactly sure of. Yes I want her to be the dominant one. And be in total controll in our bedroom. She is fine with this. In the bedroom or any time we are doing sexual things she is in controll. When ever we are out of the bedroom we are "normal" but she has final say and I do as I'm told. Although I do get to have a say in decisions of things like finances and stuff like that. I enjoy this very much. She controls me very well and since we just started this we are still learning each other in a new a wonderful way. We have gone as far now as to me wearing a butt plug when she wants and I can leave it in longer if I want (I like it very much inside me). One of my questions is am I being fair to have her fuck my butt way more then we have normal sex? And what am I a sub or slave or can I be both? I call her mistress in the bedroom or when we are talking about sex toys or while wearing my plug if she has told me to wear it. But out side of sex stuff we are pretty much the way we were. (I have pretty much always givin her the controll over desisions and our family. Now she knows why). Anyways any explanations or info would help. Thank you.
  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    It depends on her. If she doesn't like fucking your ass, then it's unfair, especially since she's your Mistress, not the other way around. It depends entirely on your personal preferences and hers, not just who's fucking who more.
    A compromise, if it's a problem, would be wearing an anal plug (or a vibrating one) during 'normal' sex with her.

    As usual with relationships, as long as you're openly communicating and both enjoying things, then it should be fine.

    If you're a slave, you're generally a sub, so yes, you can be both. The other part is up to you and her. They're just words and labels. If I had only heard your description, I would say 'sub' but I don't see any particular reasons that you cannot call yourself a slave, if you prefer it. And if you don't consider yourself a slave but you two like it as a name, then that's fine too. Again, they're just labels.
  3. Slaveman23

    Slaveman23 New Member

    Mistress always has me wear a plug while having "normal" sex. I was thinking of getting a gag with dildo so I can pleasure her with my face. (yes I know I should use my mouth but she does not like that). I wonder if that toy might help. As for the names she likes them so I'm happy. And thank you for the info.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    A few thoughts:

    1) Smallest is right, you and your wife can use whatever labels work for you--there's no International Court of Kink that will prosecute you for using the 'wrong' terms (although such a court would make things interesting...) However, according to general practice, a sub is someone who is submissive, either in the bedroom or elsewhere. A slave takes submission to a greater degree, giving his dom/me total or near total control both in the bedroom and out. So, from what you've described, I'd say your a sub more than a slave, at least at this point. Perhaps you and she will decide to go to full slavehood someday.

    2) As far as what you two do in the bedroom, it should be your mistress' choice. You can request things you want, and suggest things you think she might enjoy, but she decides what to do. So if she wants to peg you (fuck you with a strap-on or dildo), she gets to do that. A good dom/me pays attention to what the sub wants and makes sure that sub gets what he needs, so since you like being pegged, she ought to give you that, but it's up to her how often and how much you get. She might use it as a reward for good behavior or an incentive to perform well. As a new domme, she might be tempted to give you what you want every time, but as she builds up her confidence and authority, she should probably start denying you at least occasionally, just to remind both of you that she's in control and you're following. But over all, don't worry about how often you're getting it in the ass--that's her decision to make.

    3) Each dom/sub couple decides what works for them. So work out whatever exchange of power the two of you enjoy. BDSM is founded on mutual agreement and compromise that sets the boundaries of the dom/me's authority. That means that you need to be happy with whatever arrangement you two live under, and she needs to be happy. That's really all the matters.
  5. Slaveman23

    Slaveman23 New Member

    Sebastian, thank you for the insight. My mistress is still getting used to the idea but last night went a bit further then we have before. She left me tied up with a dildo in me for a bit. It was great. She had me blindfolded and gaged and oh my. I loved it. I always love what she does and she is becoming everything I always wanted but was worried to tell her since well I never want to loose her. She is my best friend and I would give up everything I have for her. Also she just told me she is not worried that I get pegged more then we have "normal" sex. I'm not really sure how to take that. Although she always says she gets off way more then I do when using my ass. She uses her strap on and also works them with her hands. But I only get to cum when told and she can when ever so as long as she is happy I am happy. (sorry if I ramble or get to in detail)
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    A couple thoughts:

    1) Some strap-ons contain a second dildo that fits into the woman's vagina, so she gets stimulate as she thrusts.
    2) If she is tying you up, she needs to observe a few of the safety basics:

    A--Never leave a tied up sub alone. A good rule of thumb is that she needs to be able to get to you in less than 30 seconds, in case something goes wrong.
    B--If you are going to be out of her sight at any point, she should either not gag you at all or leave you with a way to signal that you need help; something like an air horn.

    Bondage carries risks. A sub who is immobilized and gagged can't warn the domme when he starts choking, or the ropes slip and cut off his air supply or circulation. And the sub is helpless if something else happens, such as something falling over onto him. It sounds silly, but things like this do happen. I read about a case in which an earthquake struck and the dom had no way to get the sub untied quickly, and wound up shielding the sub with his body. I've also read about fires breaking out. So you two need to make some safety arrangements.
  7. Slaveman23

    Slaveman23 New Member

    Ah yes never thought of that. Which is funny since my "day" job is law enforcement. And I here I never thought this would happen to a lot. I'm not 100% sure she left the room either. I was kinda running on a blissful high at the time.
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Clearly you're a bondage fan! There are a couple books mentioned in the Newcomer's FAQ that your wife should read. Jay Wiseman can teach her a lot of ways to make you very happy but stay safe. Of all the areas of BDSM play, bondage is the most challenging--it requires some real understanding how to do it safely and well. The basics of safe bondage are easy to master, but she needs to know them.
  9. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Sometimes I wonder if he's paying you, Sebby.
    But we do have that book, and it's good, other than that it's living at my house instead of Tall's.
  10. Hello,

    Just one of the resons I love this forum - whatever I am thinking or concerned with or worried about chances are i'm not the only one and even more so people can express these concerns without fear of being laughed at or thought of as stupid for not knowing the answer.

    I have quite an unconventional 'set up' and I am still trying to work out what it is myself. I have mentioned it before but maybe what i am asking is for a definitition - like the one above. So me 31 yr old female newbie to BDSM in fact newbie to sex etc full stop - very low self confidence and lots and lots of bosy issues - was overweight but had surgery and now down to a 'normal weight' but emotionally still big. He is a 24 yr old guy with a fair amount of experience both sexually and also in the BDSM world as a sub. I believed (through conversations with him - we were mates before all this) that being a Domme was more 'me' and to that end i have experienced being a sub and due to lots of put downs etc in 'real life' it definitely wasnt for me. So I have out together a kind of outfit, bought some bits and pieces and we have had a couple of 'sessions'. Trouble is am not sure whether i can really 'let go' and actually really demand things because we are not in a romantic relationship and i see certain things as reserved for that type of situation. Maybe I cant order him to lick my boots or go down on me because i cant understand why he would want to. Plus i cant make demands of him like wearing a plug or device outside of play time as we are not in a 24/7 situation. He is free to go out do what he likes and even meet someone - when this will all stop. I guess what I am asking is how can I make myself believe it is real when its happening enougt to exert the kind of authority I want to (or at least i think i do) when we do play. Also because I am sooooo green I seem to be doing things buying things that i know he likes - he really likes latex so am looking into buying an outfit and he asked me to look into cbt so i bought a rope book etc. I did buy a strap on because i liked the idea but again I think that was born out of - i want to try something he hasnt done yet rather than i have a real desire to do this - I only lost my virginity - to him a couple of months ago so i seem to have jumped about twenty sex steps lol.
    Anyway am probably rambling - sorry but if anyone has any thoughts am always eager to read.

  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Smallest: I wish I were getting kickbacks from Wiseman. But honestly, he's just the best author I've seen on general bondage.
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Maria: At the risk of hijacking Slaveman's thread, I think there are two things for you to think about.

    1) Growing up overweight conditions us to seek approval of others by downplaying our own needs. We learn that we can't attract the guys we want based on our bodies, so instead we try to be really nice and accommodating. That teaches us that we need to put our desires second, in the hopes that someone will accept us and meet our needs. Sadly, unless you're lucky and meet the right guy, that generally doesn't work and just leaves us frustrated and unable to express our needs clearly. So spend some time thinking about that and teach yourself that it's ok to ask for what you want and need in a vanilla relationship. In a dom/sub relationship, it's ok to flat out demand it. You're the dom; you get to tell the sub what to do, even if that sometimes means he doesn't enjoy what he's doing. Because he enjoys being ordered to do things, even if they're things he might not like doing. Which brings us to my second point.

    2) Subs like being told what to do. Many subs find their central pleasure in the act of giving pleasure to others. So the specific act is often less important than the act of obeying. Think of it this way. Let's say you have a friend/parent/sibling that you care about. For his birthday, he really wants to go see a movie that you don't really want to see, but you take him to the movie because you want him to be happy on his birthday. Even if you don't like the movie itself, you like knowing that you made him happy on his birthday. That's sort of like being submissive to him, taking pleasure in the act of giving pleasure. So part of what your sub is looking for is the experience of being with a woman who demands that he does what she wants. That's what he's getting off on. And some subs find the experience of being ordered to do unpleasant things extremely erotic, because it emphasizes their lack of control. I know one reasonably good-looking guy in his mid-40s who really gets off servicing fat ugly old men, precisely because it makes him feel like he has no control at all, and has to pleasure guys that most gay men would never even consider having sex with. It makes him feel humiliated, and he likes that.

    So start giving yourself the right to have your own desires and needs. Being dominant is about feeling the sense of power that giving orders grants us. If it helps, think of it this way: former fat chicks aren't supposed to demand things for guys. So when you do it, you're breaking the rules and getting away with it. Who doesn't like that feeling?
  13. Sebastian - would you mind awfully just coming to live on my shoulder for a couple of months? After so many yrs of negativity I could do with some decent words of advice and you currently seem to be fitting the bill :). Yes I guess I need to try and put out of my mind me and concnetrate on my alter ego - that of a mistress who doesnt care whether he likes it or not - its what i want and need that counts. I think the more 'Mistress Maria' shows she is in control - via actions, voice etc the more he will like it which will in turn help 'the real me' feel good. I actually belong to an amateur dramatic group (its how we met) and so maybe I need to think of 'playtime' as a series of short plays - its a performance - I am becoming a character - I think that will help the confidence too - if its not actually me then the issues that I have arent there - if that makes any sense. The other total irony is that he himself is a fairly big guy and yet he has no such worries about getting naked (for example). We havent had a session for a while (he has a lodger who we'd rather not know about our little hobby although I have met the guy and so planning time is difficult.) I am trying to educate myself more about what it means to be a Domme and things I can do during a session - I bought how to dominate him but I guess it comes down to me also doing some research on myself - thinking what it is that i want - even if its for him to do the exploring and find what makes me tick. As long as I put it to him in a dominant fashion then in theory he will happily oblige right??
  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Domming is very much a performance. It's the real you, but a stylized you.

    As far as sitting on your shoulder, the trick I use is that I pay attention to the negative things I say to myself. Occasionally I tell myself something like "nobody likes you". I've learned that I can talk back to those voices. So I might say "that's not true. I have lots of friends" or "why would I want to say that to myself? Why would I want to hurt me?" Then I listen for the answer. The trick is to become conscious of the negative messages we send to ourselves.
  15. Slaveman23

    Slaveman23 New Member

    Mistress got me a locking plug harness for my birthday. Yay me. She likes it when I'm already stretched for her pleasure. And now I won't be able to take it out unless she lets me. And if I don't stop jerking off she going to chastise me too. But I love jerking off.

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