Struggling with how to approach this right....

sebastian · Feb 25, 2012

The show Battlestar Galactica did the same thing, using the word 'frak' in place of 'fuck'. It's actually entered general conversation as a slightly milder form of the f-bomb.

Taking time off from power exchange is perfectly reasonable. Even long-established master/slave couples do that, for example, if the slave has a major medical problem.

edjixxx · Feb 25, 2012

This is more situational, dealing with visitation of a child for the first time in 8 years from a relationship I had awhile ago.

stanley_jeffries · Feb 25, 2012

Like a lot of toys, male chastity devices come in all sorts of varieties.

I would suggest the CB3000 to get you started.

It's relatively inexpensive (look out for deals), but it seems to do the trick.

Since it's plastic you need to assume it will fall apart at some point - depending on how hard you treat it.

If you get into chastity play I would suggest moving to a custom made metal device. They cost several hundred dollars, so you don't want to go right out and buy one until you know you enjoy chastity games. Also, whereas you can simply break a CB3000 in emergencies, that's not as easy with a metal device, so it helps to practice with a plastic device for a while.

Purely for discipline purposes, google "chastity kali ring". These things are pretty severe - but they take teasing to an entirely new level!

And if you need more specific advice on chastity play there's a more focused community at orgasmdenial.com. Let me know how you get on.

Cheers,
Stanley

edjixxx · Feb 25, 2012

Thank you for the advice! I'll look into the 3000. I looked at the Kali, and yeah, fairly severe. I think that would be more of a short term, while playing thing for right now. The 3000 looks a little, softer, I guess for longer term wear, which would/will be what we're looking at. I'll bring it up to my wife, let ya know!

Anna2 · Feb 25, 2012

I too am in a situation similar to yours, already married with kids and recently starting to explore my submissive side. My husband enjoys exploring with me, but there are some things he is not into at all (such as calling me names, verbally humiliating me). He tried a few times but didn't enjoy it which is okay- there are lots of different ways to be a dominant and he has to be enjoying what he is doing for me to enjoy it.
Good luck with your exploring together!

edji's my "sweetheart" · Feb 27, 2012

Okay...where to start?? First I would like to extend my appreciation to all of the kind and informative answers and suggestions to my husbands posts. He has been wanting me to join, and I have told him that I will join when I am ready, and I believe that time is now. ( :

I personally feel like I am running into a brick wall with our budding D/s relationship. I do enjoy the feeling of power over him tremendously, BUT edji can be a VERY controlling/demanding/high maintenance person. Yes, he knows this, lol. So, my problem is that I believe he does want a D/s relationship. However I am not sure what it is that is holding him back in the real life from truly participating. It feels to me like he is fighting internally with "giving up" the control that I believe is necessary for this to succeed. He says he wants me to say and do certain things, but than makes me feel like a complete non-caring bitch when I do them. He is fine when I do these things when we are enjoying sexual activities, but NOT in "real life". I am greatly turned on by 24/7 D/s, and believe we can make it work even with him working outside the house. As we cannot afford otherwise right now. The problem arises that he is too tired to do the required work involved in 24/7. Me going around taking care of the kids and house all weekend while he sits on the couch kinda dampens "the mood" per se. Don't get me wrong, I am not a lazy housewife who is looking for a way out of work, I am only expressing the problem I am having psychologically with our current situation. If he wants it purely in the "bedroom" I am fine with that, however I do not feel like I would be at my peak interest/performance sexually. Which in turn would prevent me from being turned on as much for him that he wants. I have told him numerous times, as I believe it was also mentioned here that just doing small things right now (dishes / prep wash / paint my nails, etc...) since I DO understand he works his ass off for me (70-80+ hrs a week). I feel like it all goes into thin air. Hope this makes sense, as I am very frustrated and somewhat confused how to approach, because I do want this to work. I completely understand that this is new for us and there is a learning curve, just curious if this is something that I am responsible for as the Domme, or if edji should have some desire to do it himself already...

sebastian · Feb 27, 2012

It's nice to meet you EMS, after hearing a little about you. If I understand what you're saying, you and Edji want to do 24/7, but the realities of your situation are interfering. He works so much out of the home that it's not really possible for him to do the domestic chores that often signal slavery, and you feel bad demanding chores from him because you know how much he contributes to the household financially. Have I summarized that properly?

This is a significant challenge for 24/7. Power exchange is our fantasy, and BDSM seeks to make fantasy into reality, but sometimes our fantasies have to bow to the constraints of reality. It's deeply unfair that we dom/mes are independently wealthy and able to have our slaves at our beck and call every moment. But we just have to accept that and try to build our lived fantasies within the constraints life gives us.

So, how do you make your dominance feel more real within those constraints? How do you arrange things to get the feeling of control that you're starting to realize you desire? There are two big things to consider, practical arrangements and symbolism.

Here are a couple practical things that might help you.
1) If your situation means that you have to do the housework because he's out of the home working, try to do the housework when he's not home, as much as possible. Doing the dishes when he's sitting in the living room undermines the sense that you're on top. So don't do the dishes when he's home. Put them off until he's gone to work (or better yet, train the kids to do them...)
2) The slave serves the mistress. He can't serve you with domestic chores, so find ways to make his financial contribution feel like service to you. When he brings his paycheck home, have him kneel and present it to you as a token of his service. In many 24/7 couples, the sub literally gives his/her income to the dom/me, who makes the financial decisions and then gives the sub an allowance to live on. If that's a possibility for you, really think about that. Controlling the money is a powerful statement of who's in charge.
3) Agree on a chore that he must do, no matter how tired he is. Make it a chore that you really dislike but which won't exhaust him--changing the cat's litter box or taking out the trash.
4) Apart from controlling money (which doesn't work for all d/s couples), he should yield as much of the major decision-making rights to you as possible. Need a new car? You get to decide what car to get (if he knows more about cars that you, he gets to offer advice, but you make the final choice). Disagree about the proper way to discipline your children? He yields to your judgment.

Now a couple symbolic gestures.
1) Set up rituals that you two do that dramatize the power exchange. Adhere to these rigidly, even if one of you is tired. For example, when he comes home, he seeks you out, kneels in front of you and kisses your feet. He remains kneeling until you give him permission to rise. At bedtime, he kneels and requests permission to climb into bed. Rituals like these take only a minute but they remind both of you of the structure you've put in place.
2) Buy him a chain to wear around his neck, with a lock on it, to which you have the key. He wears this chain 24/7, as a constant reminder of his submission to you.
3) Set protocols that you both follow, small gestures that put you in a privileged position. For example, when the two of you go out together, he opens all doors for you (including the car door). He carries all packages except your purse. At a restaurant, he always takes your coat, waits for you to sit before sitting himself, stands whenever you stand, and lets you order his meals for him.

These are examples of basic principles. Just figure out ways to apply these that will work for the two of you.

stanley_jeffries · Feb 27, 2012

Welcome to the forum, EMS!

I was really happy to read your side of this, and I know know for sure now that edji is a very lucky man indeed.

I'm sure you already read my suggestions on chastity play, and I definitely think that kind of scene is very compatible with modern "real life" (ie. working long hours, often too tired for "quality sex", needing to be aware there are the children around, etc.).

It sounds to me like edji is trying to "top from the bottom" - in other words he's making demands on you to do things in a particular way, and you have correctly identified this as being a problem. Unless he expects you to be a sadistic robot, you need to be able to stamp your own personality on the relationship.

I know that having the kids around makes this tricky, but one suggestion would be to plan for at least a couple of hours alone together one weekend.

During that time, you can work through the "issues" you have with edji by combining it with a scene.

For example. Married couple inevitably store up grievances they have with each other during the week...and sometimes these can spark into a full blown argument.

So how about making your list of grievances (note - his list is irrelevant) into a domination session?

You adopt the persona of a strict school mistress, and make him kneel as you read out the list. Take your time, asking if he feels his behaviour is reasonable for each tiem on the list. As you deal with each item, ask him to suggest a punishment he will accept. Perhaps half a dozen smacks on the ass...but whatever he suggests make sure you negotiate it upwards. After all, if you just accept his offer then you are not being dominant.

Save the more serious issues for last, and make sure the punishment increases.

Now that you've dealt with all of the problems, and he has apologized at least a hundred times, you bring out another list.

The second list is all the good things he has done, not only as a slave, but also as a husband. He's worked hard, been faithful to you, played with the kids even if he was tired, and then if he's made extra efforts to help in the house you can add these.

If you've combined this scene with chastity play, then he will be pretty desperate for an orgasm by now. Use the "good list" to decide the level of pleasure he is granted for his release. Of course he will have to satisfy you orally (perhaps several times) before he's allowed his own pleasure. Suggestions for his release (these are in my on personal order from low to high):

If I've been in chastity for a while (usually a couple of weeks) it's possible for me to come inside the chastity device if my wife uses a vibrator, and if I'm really turned on. This kind of orgasm is humiliating because I feel I've earned the right to be unlocked, and my wife "cheats me" out of that. It's really cool! Since I'm usually tied down I'm helpless to stop her.
He is allowed to masturbate on his knees in front of you. If you have a sexy pair of boots, and he's turned on by them, he must shoot his load over the boots, and then lick them clean.
You undress so you're only wearing boots, stockings and garter belt. He kneels behind you, grasping your thighs, and is allowed to "fuck your legs" between your calves. Since boots often have an inner zip, this can be painful, but you also allow him to lick out your ass as he's fucking.
If you have a Fleshlight, or other masturbator, you tie him down (or to a chair), and use the Fleshlight to make him come.
Fucking my wife's ass cheeks. With plenty of bably oil this can be really nice. But she's able to adopt an air of indifference as I do it - sometimes reading a magazine and asking "are you done yet?".
A standard hand-job comes next in the ranking.
Fucking your tits - again, lots of baby oil helps.
Penetrating your vagina, but not allowed to come inside you.
Penetrating you, and being allowed to come inside.
Fucking you in the ass.
You giving a blow job, but finishing him off with your hand at the end.
You giving a blow job, and allowing him to come in your mouth.

You need to be clear about this hierarchy, and the fact that he can be allowed more enjoyment by "working harder" to be a good slave.

Cheers,
Stanley

edjixxx · Feb 27, 2012

sabastian, as always, great suggestions. I think those would work well, because of the discreetness of most of them. Here's one thing that kind of took me by surprise as a problem getting back into it after a period of time off over the weekend: We really had no clear 'Okay, we're back into the D/s relationship side again.' It was pretty much like playing phone tag with each other trying to figure out where we were at for a while. While the solution seems pretty simple, of saying, "Okay, we're into the D/s relationship again," it just ran into some roadblocks of trying to figure out where we were at psychologically. When we get into some of these psychologically, and a lot of the time, physically fatiguing situations for me, because of the sleep aspect, it is difficult to know where we stand when.

Stanley, yeah, topping from the bottom has always been a problem for me. It's one in particular that I'm trying to manage. It's not easy, as you might imagine, to change who you basically identify yourself. One reason for this is the length of time without telling my wife of how I felt, and just saying to her to do this, that, and the other thing. Another reason is at the beginning, she always, and I mean ALWAYS asked, "Okay, so what do you want?" Then in the middle of it, was always, "Oh, are you okay? Do you want me to stop?" To me, it went against everything I wanted her to do. No, I didn't want her to ask what I wanted....That was her choice. Then in the middle of it, no, I wasn't 'OK', and hell yeah, stop, oh wait, no, not really, don't stop.....So, topping from the bottom was just a way of dealing with it at the time. She's getting better at the hierarchy, I must say.

An issue that came up last night is pleasuring during sex. For me, this mostly sexual, even being 24/7. As such, sexual gratification/satisfaction is a big part for me. That said, the orgasm denial play is somewhat....less than desirable for me, but something she wants to do. I'll do it, I have no problems...sort of. For most men/people, orgasm denial may enhance, make them want it more, for me, I just kind of, lose interest in sex I guess. Whether it's frustration, or what, I don't know. The less I orgasm, the less I want/get into sex. For her, she feels that it's taking away from the D/s relationship aspect. Also during sex, she feels that orgasms are earned, that I exist for her enjoyment, and if I'm good, I'll be pleasured. Again, this is fine, but I view it as more of a 'it's for both of us' thing, that we do it for both of us, and both of us need pleasuring (orgasms.) So this is a discussion that is causing some stickiness and frustration at the present moment in time.

I don't know, I view it as I'm serving her, and her wishes, but there are still a couple things I need to make sure I'm into it, and I need her to be understanding of that, or I'm afraid it'll all fall apart. Mainly because in the past, the longer we go without having sex, teasing or no teasing in between, the less interested in sex, and anything to do with it, I became. Like I said, she feels that in that respect, it'd no longer be a D/s relationship. I should say that with orgasm denial, I'd be fine with it for like, through the night, and then go for it at the end of the night. I don't know what to make of this, or what she makes of this.

Smallest · Feb 27, 2012

I'm not going to write too much, since the others are all giving pretty in-depth responses, but here's a few points-

-Fucking her between zippered boots could end in a bleeding cock, though it's up to you and her whether that's bad
-I wouldn't suggest baby oil as lube, even used non-penetratively, and of course not with condoms or toys. Sexual lube, plain or fancy can be bought for anywhere from $5-$30 in a drugstore, sex store, or many other places
-Although you're not into orgasm denial, you have to remember that this is about submitting. Obviously it can be a limit for you, especially seeing as it makes further play not fun/challenging. It is, however, a pretty clear way for her to show who's in charge, which is what it seems you've been looking for.

And probably most importantly, have you set up a safeword? That would mean she doesn't need to ask if you're okay, and likewise you can tel her 'stop, no' without her actually doing so.

Struggling with how to approach this right....

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