Struggling with how to approach this right....

sebastian · Feb 27, 2012

edjixxx said:
sabastian, as always, great suggestions. I think those would work well, because of the discreetness of most of them. Here's one thing that kind of took me by surprise as a problem getting back into it after a period of time off over the weekend: We really had no clear 'Okay, we're back into the D/s relationship side again.' It was pretty much like playing phone tag with each other trying to figure out where we were at for a while. While the solution seems pretty simple, of saying, "Okay, we're into the D/s relationship again," it just ran into some roadblocks of trying to figure out where we were at psychologically. When we get into some of these psychologically, and a lot of the time, physically fatiguing situations for me, because of the sleep aspect, it is difficult to know where we stand when.

So this is a place where you and she needs to establish some ground rules. Does your submission start when you walk in the door after work? Does it start after you've relaxed for an hour? Does it start when you wake up on your day off? Decide what works for you and then adhere to it.

edjixxx said:
Another reason is at the beginning, she always, and I mean ALWAYS asked, "Okay, so what do you want?" Then in the middle of it, was always, "Oh, are you okay? Do you want me to stop?" To me, it went against everything I wanted her to do. No, I didn't want her to ask what I wanted....That was her choice. Then in the middle of it, no, I wasn't 'OK', and hell yeah, stop, oh wait, no, not really, don't stop.....So, topping from the bottom was just a way of dealing with it at the time. She's getting better at the hierarchy, I must say.

You need to use safe words. A safe word allows the sub to stop the action if he's unhappy, but it also allows the domme to know that she can keep going. If you agree on a safe word ('red' and 'yellow' are the classics), she can spank you to her heart's delight, knowing that you're ok with it until you ask her to slow down ('yellow') or stop ('red'). This way she doesn't have to stop and check up on you and get permission; you're giving permission every moment you're not safewording. And if she needs to check (she just gave you a really hard smack and she's concerned she's gone too far), she can just say "give me a color check". If you say 'green', she knows she can keep going. That way she doesn't have to explicitly ask permission, which will help her maintain a sense of dominance.

edjixxx · Feb 27, 2012

My wife would like to respond, she said she just doesn't have time through the day, so it'll probably be more at night she responds.

As far as the bleeding cock, I don't think either of us are really into the bleeding aspect of it. Flipping through the porn threads here, and other streaming video sites, that's kind of a real turn off for us. Although, it looks like the videos go a little far, which I understand for the videos, and what turns people on, just not for me. Yes, you're right, it's a way, and a powerful one, for her to show who's in charge. I'm not against it, and who knows, I might get into it. As I explained to my wife today, the biggest problem I have with it is I know what's happened in the past, and I'm afraid it's going to end up ruining the whole D/s relationship. I just seem to fall out of interest if we don't have sex. Then again, there's always the idea of, my wife knows me, so I should just let go, and realize where I stand.....that's hard in itself.

We were thinking of the ground rules being written. So one thing that arises is my wife makes the rules, I follow them. I guess we should work together on the creation of rules maybe? Or should she be the ones to make them, and muddle through what works, doesn't work? I like the color coding system, I'm thinking it could also be applied in all aspects, not just during sexual activities. I'm thinking that may be a good way when I get home, tired, sick, having an extremely crappy day, etc.

sebastian · Feb 28, 2012

You're just starting out as dom and sub, and you want to explore 24/7. But you can't get there right away. So rather than jumping straight into "mistress makes the rules and I just obey", I'd recommend having the two of you negotiate rules that will work for both of you, even if neither of you gets everything you want. Then as you gradually get used to the power exchange, your wife can gradually revise the rules and bring them closer to what she wants.

Remember, you need to walk before you run.

stanley_jeffries · Feb 28, 2012

Yes, Smallest is right. You probably want to use lube for most of the ideas I suggested. It is more effective, but it's just that we find it gets everywhere

Baby oil is a natural extension of me massaging her.

On the boot masturbation, you definitely need to take care. The exact details will depend on the boots. My wife's boots are patent leather, and baby oil seems to work well as the lubricant. And the zipper is covered by a patent leather flap. By turnining her feet in or out she can make it harder or easier on me (something I tend to signal with the word "mercy"...see the tips from Sebastian on safe words).

Cheers,
Stanley

Smallest · Feb 28, 2012

None of my zippered boots have flaps, so I didn't think of that (though all my coats and skirts do...). And yeah, I just don't want to be responsible for makeshift lube ruining a toy (or worse, a condom).

edjixxx · Feb 28, 2012

Condoms aren't an issue. We had a child while using 2 forms of birth control and the body's natural birth control, so I had a vasectomy. Add a complication, and that's fairly frigging painful. As far as boots, interesting tips. I don't know much about leather care, wouldn't lube/baby oil be detrimental to leather?

Okay, so on the idea of that, we are still learning. It seems that we are stuck with satisfying her enough. While we have talked about me, it seems that she is feeling that I am neglecting her pleasure. My solution, at the moment, is to make the frequency of it part of my training. Like every day, before I go to bed, or when I wake up, or both. Include it as a ritual.

Something else I'm concerned about is my wife feels that since ice done a lot of reading and watching of BDSM, thatI I'm aware of what is going on in a D/s relationship. I don't really know how to tell her that yeah, I've been into it a long time, but as far as doing it, I'm just as new to it as her. I haven't really thought about it as far as a 24/7 relationship, long term bondage, etc. My thoughts never really went into that much detail. As far as my thoughts of a 24/7 relationship, it never involved me in the position I am in, domestically. Just like the ideas I've presented to her, the ideas presented to me sometimes take some time to work through. I guess that's where we're at now....which is strange, because now I'm starting to feel sexually inadequate for her, and I'm the one that's been fantasizing about this for a long time!!!

Reading back over it, I guess there is a sense of humor in that, in a twisted way....

Smallest · Feb 28, 2012

Well, she's going to know your feelings as soon as she reads the thread, so telling her's over with.

edjixxx · Feb 28, 2012

Okay, that one left me slightly speechless.........was more wondering how to proceed from here.... You guys have been excellent so far in getting us through these learning experiences, hoping you'll help with the latest source of frustration.

subarama30 · Feb 28, 2012

I totally agree with Sebastian, going for a 24/7 scenario when you are both new to this lifestyle (in practise) and have kids, is not going to run smoothly. You need to learn to walk before you can run and you really seem to be trying to figure everything out all in one big rush!

Orgasm denial seems to be a common thread amongst male subs but for me as a lady *wink* I could not deal with being denied release, it just wouldn't do it for me and yes, I too would lose interest. I have a similar thing in that the less I get, the less I want.

My partner and I are strictly in the bedroom (also have kids) and I wouldn't want it any other way. The logistics involved would be horrendous and tbh outside of the bedroom i am in no way submissive.

I think the orgasm denial could become a real issue if you cannot both agree with it. Strangely, my partner doesn't mind if he doesn't always cum every single time as long as I do and he's the Dom but I realise this is his personal thing. He almost sees it as a challenge seeing how many times he can get me to cum. But if this is your wife's idea of having control over you, I can see it becoming a sticking point.

I think ground rules are a good idea but again, you can't just let her make them all and blindly follow, you need input, mainly because I don't think you could jump straight into that role, based on what you have both said, it would likely fall apart pretty quickly.

I think that is the problem sometimes with fantasy and reality, a lot of times what we 'think' we want and what works for us in reality can be very different. Bdsm, like anything, is a lot of trial and error. You can watch porn or read something that is a turn on but when you actually get someone to do it to you it can have the reverse effect.

I think you both have to be prepared for this to be a long road of discovery....

sebastian · Feb 28, 2012

edjixxx said:
Okay, so on the idea of that, we are still learning. It seems that we are stuck with satisfying her enough. While we have talked about me, it seems that she is feeling that I am neglecting her pleasure. My solution, at the moment, is to make the frequency of it part of my training. Like every day, before I go to bed, or when I wake up, or both. Include it as a ritual.

Here's part of your problem. You shouldn't really be the one solving things; your mistress should. I mean that two ways.

1) Dommes need to spend time thinking about how to fix what isn't working. Being dominant takes more mental energy than being submissive. The more control she has, the more responsibility she has for figuring out solutions to problems. You can suggest solutions to her, but she's the one who makes the decisions. So rather than trying to solve the problem for her, you should discuss the problem with her and help her find a solution that she likes. Since you and she are just learning your roles, I'd say resist the temptation to offer solutions. She's got to learn to be in the driver's seat. So help her to understand the problem, but don't give her your answer; let her find her own answer.

2) If your mistress wants more pleasure, she should decide what form that pleasure takes and how frequently she gets it. Now, I realize you and she are still in the negotiating stage, but her pleasure should really be front and center here. So if she wants pussy-licking every night, she gets pussy-licking every night (within any limits you set because you have to work so much). If she wants to spank you every night, she gets that. When a sub is seeking to teach his domme to be dominant, put the initial emphasis on her getting whatever she wants in terms of pleasure. She needs to understand that when you two are playing, she can demand any pleasure from you at any time even if it means stopping something that pleasures you. This is really the essence of sexual power exchange--the domme's most momentary desire gets met. So the only time she should leave a scene unsatisfied is when she knows she wants more than you guys have time for. If she can learn to prioritize her pleasure over yours, to simply take charge and take what she wants, a lot of the other elements of being dominant will fall into place. American culture teaches us to not reach for our desires, and women are taught to prioritize other's happiness over our own. But if she can learn that with you she gets to take whatever pleasure she wants, she'll find the joy in being dominant.

Struggling with how to approach this right....

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