Wanting to Dive In...But Don't Know How

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Gypsy20, Mar 30, 2010.

  1. Gypsy20

    Gypsy20 New Member

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    Hello everyone - first time post, I've just found this board :)

    I have a question, which may be kind of wordy, I will try very hard to make sense, and will greatly appreciate any insights! I'm going a little crazy, and don't know who to ask for advice.

    First of all, I can't say that I have ever actually been involved in any kind of BDSM lifestyle. There have been periods where I'd take up a short-lived interest in the subject (as a submissive) but my relationships have always been pretty much vanilla. I have had a fantasy for most of my life of being held down and being treated very roughly during sex, and over the past six months began to have this fantasy every single night.

    Well, about two weeks ago, on a Saturday night, I was out with friends and I decided I wanted to go home with this man...I've known him for about a month, and we've talked a few times, and he flirted from the start, but that particular night my attraction to him grew to be unbearably strong and I went back to his place. I wasn't sure what to expect, but, he completely and totally fulfilled my wildest fantasy. Now, being treated roughly during sex is something I never wanted to have to BRING UP to any sexual partner...because I didn't want it to be like a role-play, I wanted it to just happen naturally. And so, this time, it happened naturally. I don't know if he was able to read me and could tell that is what I wanted, or if he is just a very dominant man (he does seem that way). Anyway, it was INCREDIBLE, just unbelievable.

    Since then I have become just absolutely obsessed with wanting to be submissive, and wanting to be his slave. I never even realized how strong my submissive desires were until I met him. Probably because I've never been involved with a man like him. Oddly enough, even though I've always known I have a more submissive personality, I've almost always been the more dominant person in my relationships.

    After that night, we have spent another night together this past weekend, but there was no sex involved because he was tired so we just hung out and watched a movie. I'm not sure how to explain what I'm trying to ask...it's like, a few times he has ordered me to do something, or had me ask permission before I've done something, and I just LOVE that...love it so much...but the thing is I don't know how to express that. With some things, I'm not sure if he's just kidding around or not. I kind of laugh most of it off, because I don't want to come off as too eager to be slave-like. And I don't know if he's being serious with some of the stuff, or joking or half-joking. So I most just act like "Yeah, right, sure" when really I would love to do the things he tells me to do. I am partly afraid as coming off as desperate and pathetic, when really I am just aching to be totally submissive.

    I guess what I'm asking is, how do you know if someone is trying to be dominant, or is a dom, and how do you express that you want to be submissive? I seriously want to just go up to him and say "I want to be your slave." But then, I could look like I'm just this pathetic loser.

    Sorry to sound hoplessly naive...I know so little about all of this. I can provide more information if you need it...
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2010
  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    man there should be like a disclaimer for all newbies
    and it should have the word COMMUNICATE in big bold in-your-face letters
    and everyone new who reads it will be like "oh... maybe I should try talking to my partner about what I want and ask them what they want! Man that sounds like such a good idea! Maybe if I play it really cool and dont turn it into a huge deal I can learn a lot of things about what I want too! Christ I have good ideas..."

    and then BLAMO your first problem is solved!

    you wont sound like a loser or pathetic.
    (Also I wasnt trying to be rude! >_<)
  3. Dom-me

    Dom-me New Member

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    lol SLP...

    but she is right, communication is essential to any relationship. Without it... well i am sure you know where it would lead.

    Besides, it sounds like he is ready to dominate, whether he knows about BDSM or not, so I dont think you would get a negative response.

    With me and my Angel, she knew nothing about BDSM until I came into her life. As we got to liking each other - alot - i knew i had to be honest with her for the relationship to grow. So I kept it casual and simple...

    "Have you heard of the BDSM lifestyle?"
    "Ok well..."

    And then I explained it to her and my role as a sub, then left it up to her.

    And now.. I am a VERY happy sub. And as my Angel continues to read and learn, the more she is getting into it for herself also and liking a lot of the aspects of the lifestyle, so we are both getting enjoyment out of it.

    So I encourage you to be open and honest. He seems dominant which could work in your favour even if he does not know about this lifestyle. And you introducing him to it (if he doesnt know) may even work for the better of you both.

    Good luck!
  4. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    Now you know why I'm called a silly pet hehehe
  5. Dom-me

    Dom-me New Member

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    lol not silly... just unsure and that's all good, especially with someone new... just be brave and confident. Know who you are and what you're about... a guy cant resist a confident woman... well, i cant anyhow lol
  6. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    no, no, haha, I'm not the OP, I meant my goofy comment is an example of why I'm called a silly litt-
  7. Dom-me

    Dom-me New Member

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    oh der, yeah.. my apologies... how did I get that u were? now who's the silly one? lol
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Gypsy, if he's willing to initiate rough sex the first time, then he's one of two things, either a dom or an abuser. Assuming that your instincts would warn you if he was really bad news, there's a good chance he's dominant. So I think you can probably raise the prospect of BDSM with him without the risk of alienating him. One minor clue--does he wear a pair of handcuffs on a leather jacket or have a key for cuffs on his keychain? Those usually indicate an interest in BDSM.

    But do be a little bit careful. Some guys who go for rough sex are just abusers looking for someone to control. So make sure that he's willing to let you place limits on what he can do. Ask him for a safe word--if he's a good dom, he'll understand and give you one. If he reacts badly or tells you to just trust him, he might not be so trustworthy. Tell him that you need those limits to help build trust--again, a good dom will entirely understand that.
  9. wannabeyours

    wannabeyours New Member

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    Gypsy, i am new to the BDSM lifstyle also, having developed a close friendship with my now Sub who introduced me to the lifestyle. I have found that THE MOST IMPORTANT ingredient to a successful relationship is openess and honesty.. My sub (who i adore btw) and i have a wonderful ease in which we discuss things (some i would have never have dreamed of discussing with past partners). My suggestion to you is to do exactly what my Bub did and thats be open and truthful you just might be delighted with the result..
  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    And, btw, Silly is right. Communication is absolutely critical for BDSM. At some point, you will need to have a conversation with him about this stuff.
  11. stray79

    stray79 New Member

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    Gypsy, i'm not clear if you are interested in roleplaying for sexual purposes only, or if you are interested in a BDSM type of relationship. First off, whatever your interested in, is 'OK'. While there is a certain protocol in a traditional D/s relationship, each one is unique and should be tailored to fit both involved.

    There is no right or wrong.

    But as most of the folks here have stated, being honest and trusting the other person, communicating openly is the foundation for any type of relationship to be built on. That includes being honest with yourself.

    What are you looking for? Fantasies are just that, fantasies. While it may sound romantic, exciting and arrousing to be dominated sexually, there is much more depth and emotions in a D/s relationship in which you willingly hand over your rights and your power and choices to another person.

    That takes time and trust.

    There is a lot of info on the web to sift through and not all of it is accurate. Be careful and good luck!

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