Curious and Confused!

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Noobsubbot, Mar 5, 2010.

  1. Noobsubbot

    Noobsubbot New Member

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    Hi Guys,

    I am a 22yr old living in Australia and I'm curious to learn about the BDSM lifestyle. I enjoy being restrained but have always found that the guys I have dated have not been able to satisfy this part of me. I am curious to learn how to find someone I am comfortable with... however feel I've had a bad run with men who feel that abuse is what BDSM is about (which in my opinion it isn't). Information, i feel, is the best way to go about this!

    I know that certain aspects of BDSM scare me a little and I'm wondering if I choose this lifestyle if I need to participate in all activities.. I have been told that certain activities (such as waxing, heavy pain and major anal play) are the basis of BDSM but I don't know if I am ready for that.... I've read quite a bit of online material and enjoy denial of pleasure, light bondage/pain and light anal play however I am still, I guess, learning what I like and dont like.

    I haven't been able to find any real help or forums in australia and that is why I have joined here.

    I would appreciate if you could assist with any good books, resources or personal stories on how you began in BDSM or any general comments that might assist me in exploring this side of myself.

    I'm sure this has been asked many times, and for that I apologise in advance :eek:)

    - Noobsubbot
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    1) no, abuse is not what BDSM is about. BDSM is about consensual exchange of power. The sub always has a right to stop play or withdraw consent if she is not enjoying what is happening. The Dom has a serious obligation to do only those things that the sub has consented to.
    2) As I noted, the essence of BDSM is power exchange. How that manifests differs with each couple. There are no mandatory activities. For some it's bondage. For some it's pain. For some it's humiliation and abuse. For some it's control. For many it's a combination of those things. You need to negotiate with a new Dom and establish the limits of what he's willing to do and what you're willing to receive.
    So if you like bondage and light pain, like spanking, but not heavy pain, like whipping, then heavy pain should be taken off the table. Perhaps later on you'll grow into heavy pain, but many don't. BDSM is what you and your partner agree it is, and nothing more. Don't let a Dom force you into any activity that you are certain you don't want. A good Dom should be inquiring about your limits, be respectful of them, and concerned about safety. Trust your instincts here: don't play with some you don't feel you can trust. Meet in public first and arrange a safe call for your first play session.
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010

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