Struggling with how to approach this right....

Trikkisub · Feb 24, 2012

Give it time, my partner and I had been together for just over a year when I decided to talk to him about just how submissive I was...like you I wanted everything straight away and like you he told me he was dominating me to make me happy which upset me as to me that wasn't the point...I was supposed to be making him happy, however a month down the line he's really enjoying himself and developing his own kinks. I know how frustrated you probably feel sometimes, but give your wife a chance to grow in to her new found position and you'll probably find that soon enough she will be a very confident Domme

edjixxx · Feb 24, 2012

We poke around at it, try a few things, and see how we feel about it. One thing that should be noted, I think, is that when I say 24/7, I mean within reason...There are certain times where it's just not possible. For instance, in my children's presence. I don't think they need to see it. Also don't want them to have any psychological and/or social issues related to it. I mean, it's something we hear about in songs, and everyone giggles and jokes about, but try having a serious discussion about it, and, well, everybody seems to freak. I guess there are ways around it, to do it to where it's our little secret. I know if our kids see it, they'll think it's normal, which I'm okay with, but their social life may suffer if they make it part of who they are. That's just one area where we see an issue. At the same time, I think they should know about it, and other things, so they can know who they are, and pursue what they want.

Subarama, well, it's not that she doesn't like it, I was concerned she was doing it out of obligation because we're married, and so I wouldn't find someone else. As far as enjoying dominating being sexually stimulating, it is to her. Her fantasy is one that's more a power/control of sexual acts. So, it does turn her on. I'm glad I'm not the only one going/gone through this. For at least me, and I'm pretty sure my wife too, that it's the power exchange, but there's a much deeper connection there. That's really what is the turn on, that connection that bdsm commands. It's not something I can share with anyone else either. I just never want her to do something out of a feeling of obligation, or feel like she has to do it or else I will go somewhere else. For me, I'd rather never do it than that. There's some mixed signals here, there, and being particularly sensitive to it, any sense of.....I think rejection is the word.....sends me to a run and hide, to those defense mechanisms I've learned to protect that part of me from vulnerability.

edjixxx · Feb 24, 2012

Wow, I knew others had to have the same issues I did.....I didn't know how close to mine they really were! Thanks Trikkisub and subarama for sharing your experiences. In a way, it's comforting to know I'm not alone in it, that it is normal to feel this way, go through this. I think it'll help me drop my reactive response to completely pull back, withdrawal, and shut down with it. Like I said, scary, new, vulnerable, and I've never really dealt with it well. I'm gradually learning that it's okay to be vulnerable. That's still very scary to me.

Trikkisub · Feb 24, 2012

I know for me being vulnerable was always a problem too, which is why I had always stuffed my feelings away. When I met my partner my whole outlook on things changed...I wanted to be vulnerable to him that's part of my submission and its part of me that only he has ever touched, but no one else can make me feel like that, which in turn makes me a stronger person ....hope that makes sense
My point is that by giving your wife control even when you are vulnerable, to me, is a great act of love and submission...and hopefully she sees it that way too, just be patient for her to realise things you've always known and good look with everything

x

Trikkisub · Feb 24, 2012

*luck

sebastian · Feb 24, 2012

I don't have kids, so take this with a grain of salt, but there are definitely ways to do discrete power exchange when the kids are around. For example, she can't call you bitch and you can't call her mistress, but you could agree that 'honey' means 'bitch' and 'sweetie' means 'mistress'. That way it looks like you're just being cute and romantic, but you two will know that those words mean something different for you. And she can phrase her commands as polite requests. "Honey, would you like to set the table for dinner?" means "set the table, bitch!"

edjixxx · Feb 25, 2012

Kids are amazing. They drive you insane, piss and shit all over you, keep you up all night crying, want held most of the time, and are very demanding. But their innocence, dependence, and pure love melt your heart. Their antics, smiles, hugs and kisses, watching them learn and grow, give you an understanding of the purest form of unconditional love this world has ever seen. I can't help but to be over protective of my kids, and want the absolute best for them.

Anyway, we are working on solutions similar to the ones you suggested sabastian. I do have a different, I don't know if it's really a problem, per se. Life happens, and there's something I need to do tomorrow that's fairly stressful. At any rate, the whole submissive side is just not there at the moment. It's still there for my wife, though. We've decided to suspend it for the moment so we don't really screw up the power exchange. I understand that we've just started, etc. We've also decided that doing D/s stuff most of the time will help us achieve what we want. Is there a way to keep it going through stressful times like when stressful events happen? Or is it more beneficial to just suspend everything until things get to a more normal, less stressed time?

I guess we are moving kind of at a time warp speed with this too. At the same time, it's actually a little slow for how we usually approach things.....

edjixxx · Feb 25, 2012

That's another thing, while the Mistress/slave relationship is the goal here, and the operative term, there's still things that don't exactly mesh with it...I'm extremely protective of my family. Also, I'm the main income for our family. While we've talked about role reversal to a matriarchal lifestyle, still presents power exchange situations. As for now, as far as work is, we go with a theme of I'm making her money.... which the night shift makes it rather easy for it to be turned to a more...sinister way I'm making money rather than what I do.

stanley_jeffries · Feb 25, 2012

Hi edjixx,
I would second Sebastian's idea of agreeing "innocent" words between you to mean something secret. Imagine the delicious tingle of excitement you'll feel when your wife says "pass the salt, sweetie," at dinner, with just a hint of emphasis on that last word!

(BTW - I adore Kaley Cuoco's character on Big Bang Theory, and each time she says "sweetie" I get the same tingle!!)

And you hit the nail on the head - the most precious thing about childhood is the innocence. It's clear that you and your wife are very aware of the issue, which I applaud.

A few years ago on UK TV there was a comedy sci-fi show called Red Dwarf. The writers wanted to use the F-word as often as they felt appropriate in the script, but the rules for UK TV would not allow it. So they made up a word - "smeg" to directly replace the F-word. One result is that Red Dwarf could be shown without edits, at any time of day - and even positioned as kids' TV. Yet everyone (almost everyone) watching the show knew what smeg actually meant. It highlighted the stupidity and ultimate ineffectiveness of censorship, but mostly it was just smegging hilarious

So as a former Red Dwarf fan I can never look at a SMEG refrigerator even today without bursting out laughing.

Cheers,
Stanley

edjixxx · Feb 25, 2012

Lol, that's smeggin' hilarious! I usually find most UK humor dry, well, what I see from BBC over here, but that's funny. I personally don't find the word offensive, I don't think youth should use it before they can use it correctly. I think censorship is stupid, but I also believe in common sense. Across the pond, there are areas that are known as 'Bible Belts' In these areas, the Bible thumpers will get in your face about anything. Sabastian can second this, but these people are about as close minded as you can get. So if we do anything in public, we'll have to utilize something like that for the public situation as well. I find most people like that seem uneducated to me. I'm glad Google directed me here, I've found people who genuinely help, and don't judge. It's difficult to find that anymore, at least for me. Reading this has been invaluable to us, our sex life, and our marriage. I asked my wife tonight if this helped, and she said definitely. We've learned why it wasn't working out before, and how we should be performing our respective roles. I can't be sure about this, but I believe that it's also opened up our communication, not just in bdsm and sex, but with everything.

We were looking at chastity devices yesterday, and have concluded there's a bunch of them. Are there any tips/tricks as to what to look for and not look for in buying them? Seems like the CBx000 series is popular, also have the wire type, and the dreamlover 2000, which looks fairly interesting. Just wondering about that, especially hygienic considerations with a chastity device.

Struggling with how to approach this right....

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