Struggling with how to approach this right....

edjixxx · Feb 23, 2012

She will only tell me one fantasy, and that's her and a woman. She says she will never act on it too. So, I dunno. Yes, I remember the other posts very well....and I'm trying like hell to keep everything down, but it's like I'm getting mixed signals, and can't figure out what the......ya know.....she really feels. I'm worried she's saying she likes it because I do....that's not what I want. I want to know she genuinely likes it. If not, then ice shared it with her, and that's all I'll need. It's, I don't know....confusing, I guess fits.

stanley_jeffries · Feb 23, 2012

OK, so let me make sure I'm clear on this.

Your wife fantasizes about being with another woman. Could you let me have some more info about the following bullets in your next post?

You say she doesn;t want to act it out. But did she ever do this in the past? Like before you met her?
Has she ever had a "mild" lesbian experience (eg. a crush on a girl, maybe kissing a girl etc.)?
You mentioned a strict religious upbringing. Is this what stops her acting out her fantasy? Or is she just using it as an excuse?

What I'm saying is, does you wife associate fantasy of any kind with the feelings of guilt she has about her own fantasies? If this is the case then she will never "let go" - regardless of how she truly feels about roleplay. You may want to explore this line of discussion with her.

If she feels genuine guilt about fantasies, then the next steps below are not recommended. You need to work through the guilt aspect before trying this.

But if she is willing to play at discussing fantasies, then like I said in earlier posts - a lot of this has been about you so far, and yet you are the submissive. Try this as an exercise. Spend at least a full day without saying anything about your own submissive fantasies. If you feel that your wife is in the right frame of mind, try to get her to go into more detail about her fantasy. Assure her that this is pure fantasy - it will never happen. Let her mind go crazy, and do not appear shocked about anything she says.

Does she write much? Does she write letters or stories? If so, why not ask her to write down some of the fantasy. It does not need to be posted here, but the act of writing it down can be quite exciting.

Since you have kids, please make sure you encrypt the Word document

Cheers,
Stanley

sebastian · Feb 23, 2012

Edji, it's natural to want your wife to want exactly what you want in the way you want you. But it's also sort of unreasonable. Some BDSMers get together because they want someone with the same range of turn-ons they have, and then they have to make the rest of the relationship work (they may not, for example, have the same tastes in music, movies, food, politics, etc). You're in the opposite situation, also fairly common, of having a working relationship with your spouse and trying to make your sexual interests work together. The sex advice columnist Dan Savage talks about being Good, Giving, and Game (or GGG), which involves making reasonable efforts to satisfy your partner's fantasies even if you don't share them, because being GGG is just part of being a caring partner. Your wife is being GGG, and is discovering that she enjoys being dominant, but that it's not something she would seek out if she weren't with you (at least that's how I'm reading your comments). But the odds that you would marry her, spend years with her, and then both of you turn out to be aroused by the same range of kinks is really pretty low. Keep in mind that dominance is the opposite of submissiveness, so the odds that you'd discover that your wife is the perfect inverse compliment of your submissiveness are small.

I always say that in a relationship, no one gets 100% of what they want. The trick is to find someone who's maybe 80-85% of what you want, and work around the other 15-20%. So you've got two options here.
1) Conclude that you need a wife who is your perfect inverse compliment in power exchange. Leave your wife. Seek for the woman who provides that, and then figure out if you can live with her.
2) Accept that your wife will probably never crave being dominant as much as you crave being submissive. Acknowledge that your wife is being GGG, and thank her for her willingness to explore beyond her comfort zone. Explore ways that you can help your wife maximize her pleasure in being dominant, in the hopes that she will gradually find more pleasure in being dominant (with the understanding that it might never happen for her). Give thanks to God or your higher power or just your wife that you're in a marriage with a woman who is willing to accept your submissive side and indulge it--I have spoken to MANY men whose wives/girlfriends are so repulsed by the idea of a submissive man that these men can't even talk about their desires with the women in their lives.

Part of the reason her motives trouble you, I suspect, is that as a submissive man, you want to genuinely serve your wife. The idea that accepting your service is not arousing to her means that you're not actually serving her; she's serving you by receiving your service. So unless you know that she craves being served, you feel like you're not actually being submissive, but rather being in charge in a subtle way. But that's part of what BDSM is about on the Inner Level (if you've read the Newcomer's FAQ). Doms do serve their subs' needs. They have to, because actual slavery is illegal, so doms have to meet their subs' needs or the sub leaves. So this particular problem is not unique to you; many subs have concerns like this, and doms have the opposite concern. I think what you need to do is accept this particular problem as part of the paradox of BDSM. As time goes on, it may resolve itself.

edjixxx · Feb 24, 2012

A lot to respond to, will try my best. First, monogamy is very important to both of us. Her fantasies, as well as some of mine, that involve others, will never be realized. While the sexual part is a turn on, the reality of life is it would present some very serious, unresolvable issues to our marriage. So, I don't believe it's guilt, or religion that's causing it. As sabastian put in another thread, monogamous and polygamous people, we are definitely monogamous. As far as previous experience, she's eluded to touching, kissing in high school. Talking tonight, she never knew 'this kinda stuff existed until me.' Her fantasy involves more of power/control sexually of people. Kinda fitting, I thought. As far as appearing like I don't think she's crazy, I don't have to appear like it, I don't think she's crazy. Hearing her fantasies turns me on.

The 100% in the relationship. I agree mostly. Talking tonight, it was a different story. It seems we are now moving forward, to the same place. Let me see if I can explain. We played around today, as far as control play. We both enjoyed it. She said that 24/7 is something she would like to work towards now. She also says she's always wanted to beat the shit out of me....seems like a win/win. So I'm getting mixed signals which way she wants to go. I don't know if it's because I threw a lot at her at once, or she is
figuring out her feelings about it. But I think that we may very well be our inverse compliment to each other. That'll only be told in time.

I could never leave my wife. Her and our family mean way too much to me. I'll box everything up before I put my wants before our marriage and family. I guess first, I'm a family man, everything else is a want. Yes, I want to serve her, and her to want to be served. The issue with that is I work at night. I'm a truck driver. When I get home, it's really tough for it to play out to I serve her. It usually ends up the other way. If we try to do anything, it can't really be sexual, unless the children are napping, and even then, it's difficult, trying to juggle sleep schedules. Always feels rushed. So when we do play, it's more of power, non-sexual play. Like today, a little choking, slapping, touchy feely type stuff.

So, I guess that's another issue to find a work around for. I hope I answered everything for you accurately. I'll be up for the next 10 hours or so.

One last thought. Texting and driving isn't allowed..... never said forum posts.....a little humor there....

stanley_jeffries · Feb 24, 2012

>>>>>I don't know if it's because I threw a lot at her at once, or she is figuring out her feelings about it.

That's exactly it. You threw a lot at her at once AND she needs time to process it, and figure out how she feels about it.

Add to that the fact that you have kids...

Add to that the fact that you have years of sexual fantasy boiling up inside you. That means your starting point for expectation is high, while her starting point for discovering her feelings is low.

You need to lower your expectation and slow things down. Don't think your wife is going to transform into a porno movie Domme overnight. It is not going to happen!
Hopefully your wife will continue to feel more comfortable and, most importantly, genuinely turned on by her power to excite you by knowing your innermost fantasy.

In my experience the most powerful form of domination is word play. Or "the mind fuck"as it's sometimes known. This is one reason why I think chastity play can be so powerful.

It's a 24/7 form of domination.
The kids have no idea it's happening.
It requires zero real effort from your wife (apart from an occasional, apparently innocent word or phrase, and the ever-present sight of the chastity key around her neck).
There's no actual danger involved (compared to an inexperienced Domme getting carried away with a beating).

Chastity play + word play = Total female domination

I have to say your previous post had me worried, but it now sounds like you two are making real progress.

Take the weekend off this stuff. Spend some time with your kids and just chill. Give your wife some space to process her feelings, and be glad that she seems to be slowly, but surely discovering her inner Domme

.

Cheers,
Stanley

edjixxx · Feb 24, 2012

I'm noticing a recurring theme here... let it happen naturally. Yeah, I was fairly frightened that it was going to fall apart on me. Which led to one of my not-the-best defense mechanisms of shutting down, withdrawal, and bottling it up. I know I have the ability to say to others to take it slow, but taking that advice is a hard pill to swallow. That's with anything though. I believe communication is a big factor here also. Laying everything out was needed, but not enough. We also needed to discuss and resolve a lot of past issues along with it. That's alleviated a lot of problems also. Like understanding the past, and putting those issues to rest.

I think it'll be her decision whether I have the weekend off, *hint, hint*

stanley_jeffries · Feb 24, 2012

>>>>>I think it'll be her decision whether I have the weekend off, *hint, hint*

Excellent! As long as it's genuinely her decision then that's outstanding!

edjixxx · Feb 24, 2012

It is genuinely her decision....I'm sure I'll be told about dropping that line on the post when she reads it. A little playful taunt to her, :-D

sebastian · Feb 24, 2012

Probably the most common mistake of people new to BDSM is trying to do everything right away and wanting to go 24/7 immediately. 24/7 is difficult. It requires the dom to be consistent, dutiful, and committed, and the sub to self-less, energetic, and devoted. It runs against the conditioning and legal framework of modern society. It has no models for those involved to look at.

I'm a pretty smart, open-minding, deeply self-aware guy. I knew a fair amount about BDSM before I realized it was right for me. It took me about two years to get to a point where I _think_ I'm ready to be a 24/7 dom. My first bout of slave ownership involved me making a LOT of mistakes and learning a lot, and that wasn't 24/7. It didn't help that my slave has a ton of psychological issues and is rather emotionally fragile. (In retrospect, he was a poor choice to be my slave, but I learned a lot, so I wont complain.) And I'm sure that when I find a new slave, I'll make more mistakes and learn a lot more.

So have patience. Give your wife time to process everything. And give yourself time as well. Explore your fantasies gradually--you have a lifetime to play. Don't try to do 24/7 all at once; put it in place a piece at a time and learn how to do that piece before you add the next piece. When you're ready to advance, you'll both know it, and it will feel natural. Which isn't to say that it doesn't take work and focus. The dom has to be ready for something or it won't work--a dom who is domming purely out of a sense of obligation will get tired and lose focus. So your wife has to take the lead--you can't go any faster than she can go. That might mean some frustration for you, but slavery can be frustrating. Tell yourself that you're serving her by being patient and ready for her when she wants to give the word. You'll get there.

subarama30 · Feb 24, 2012

Hi edjixxx, just coming from a subs point of view...my partner when we met had no kink in him whatsoever, he also didn't have any idea about mine. It took me years and years to finally open up to him about what I wanted. One of the biggest things I had to adjust to was his desire, or lack of, to dominate me.

You see, I felt too in the beginning that it would be no fun for me if he didn't really WANT to dom me and was just 'going along with it' to keep me happy. Now I realise that his love for me, his desire to please and make me happy are more important. He would never have wanted to do the things that we do if we were not together but he enjoys giving me pleasure and that is his driving force. Yes, he has struggled with doing some of the things to me I have wanted but we took it slowly and he adjusted.

I had to really let go of my thinking and learn to go with the flo and not to expect him to get a particular reaction to things. It is not the dominating itself that gets him off, it is seeing ME get off through what he is doing that makes it work for us.

I know that men and women are different in their sexual responses so this may not work with your wife as well but I just wanted you to see that she doesn't have to be 100% into what she is doing but can still get some enjoyment from it and that you can too.

Struggling with how to approach this right....

edjixxx

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stanley_jeffries

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sebastian

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edjixxx

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stanley_jeffries

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edjixxx

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stanley_jeffries

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edjixxx

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sebastian

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subarama30

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