How to get dom to come up with things on his own?

fafaflish · Feb 4, 2013

My boyfriend and I are relatively new to BDSM and I was wondering how I could get him to come up with ideas for scenes to play out or ways to humiliate me on his own. But so far he just asks me to tell him the things that I like, and I find it much more exciting when he can think of things for himself.

On top of that I want to do the things that HE likes rather than just what I do, because I want to please him and not me! (which I have of course told him)

I showed him links to some of the threads on here to give him some ideas, but he just doesn't "find anything" (either that or he is too afraid to come up with something that I might not like, which he denies). It seems like he would just rather I choose everything we do, which doesn't make me feel like a sub at all

How do I solve this problem??

missjaysumms · Feb 5, 2013

This might not completely answer, but have you thought about dominating your boyfriend?

When I first started out, the idea of being a sub really thrilled me, but... I ended up switching.

If you are really intent on being a sub, I would get him to do some homework. you mentioned you directed him to some threads here. have you two looked at the "stories" section?

Just a thought.

fafaflish · Feb 5, 2013

Thanks for the reply
I've considered being a dom before, but it doesn't really appeal to me half as much as being submissive. Regardless, my boyfriend doesn't like being submissive at all! :0
The stories might be a great idea, thanks

Deviana · Feb 5, 2013

Have you taken into account that maybe nothing is appealing to him because this type of play is of no interest to him? Do you trust his sincerity when he says he is interested in exploring this realm of sexuality with you, himself being in the Dominant role? And you explained to him that no matter what he decides to do to you (within your limits of course) is fine with you, as long as he is the constructor of the activity?
I know the frustration of having someone expecting you to spell every little thing out for them. I could never get into that and always felt I was topping from the bottom but it sounds like it could be any of several things that is keeping him from taking control. I hate to be "that person" that says this but you need to ask him why he's finding it so hard to take control and be assertive and don't let him bow out and deny anything. He needs to be honest with you.

stanley_jeffries · Feb 5, 2013

Let's be optimistic - let's assume he could get interested in playing a Dom if he knew what to do.

I think you misinterpreted missjaysumms advice. I think what she meant was for you to temporarily act as a Domme to give your bf some examples of things you might like. Then when he knows what to do you switch. This would be a medium term activity - I don't mean that he would switch in the first session

I would agree with her that this is a good way for him to learn exactly what you want.

Perhaps find some reading material for him in the form of stories that you like. Check out Literotica for free stuff, and make sure you read it before you let him see it. Choose tame material at first (don't frighten him off).

Remember that he is working at a double disadvantage. First of all he has likely not fantisized about dominant activity. So he has no reservoir of ideas that he can call upon. The reading material my take care of that.

If you print out a story and he reads it - reward him with something nice. Give him a blow job, or dress up in a sexy outfit you know he likes. Men are extremely Pavlovian

Ask him (preferably when you're pleasing him in some way) what he found sexy about the story. Don't pressurize him to go into too much detail, but hopefully he will begin to associate the sexy parts of the story he is describing with something nice that you are doing for him at the same time.

Be prepared for a long "campaign", and to take pleasure in small steps towards your goal.

The second disadvantage he has is that he is (probably) not an actor. Even BDSM "experts" have trouble acting out roleplay scenes.

So choose a scene where both parties know what to do. A stereotype sub/Dom scene like:

Strict teacher and naughty schoolgirl.
Military interrogation.
Bossy doctor and submissive nurse. (The doctor is telling the nurse off for something she did).
Catholic confessional (I've written a couple of ideas on that theme in this board recently).
Boss and secretary.

Etc.

Cheers,
Stanley

fafaflish · Feb 5, 2013

Deviana, it was actually my boyfriend that brought up BDSM, not me! haha
I've thought the same as playing dom to show him things, but he absolutely refused (he REALLY doesn't like it). I've told him that even if he does want to try things I don't like, I'll always try things out once (unless of course it's a hard limit).

Stanley, we've played many times but he only does the things that I've already told him I've liked, so his acting isn't necessarily the problem, although it may be for when he tries out new things. I do like other things I haven't told him yet, hoping that he'd tell me he liked them himself one day. We've progressed past light bondage I guess you could say, so I don't really have to ease him into anything haha.

I suppose reading some stories is the best option for me. Let's see how that goes

WickedPleasures · Feb 8, 2013

Lets be blunt. If your boyfriend is really interested this type of arousal/play he should have no problem coming up with things for you on his own. After all you said "he" brought it up. If BDSM is for you as a couple there should be no embarrassment in discussing planning and telling each other what you would like or not like done or to do or to try so there are no unhappy surprises at the "magic moment" Openness and honesty is a must in this situation.
The only thing I can tell you is my own view on how we approached it and what our mind sets were as far as pleasure. If your excitement is "pleasuring" him or being "used" then go with it. As the dom figure your boyfriend should take his pleasure from "using" you. The more erotic or perverse the more excitement for him, why?, because you are enjoying it...a lot! A nice "fuck me please" outfit wouldn't hurt either and it doesn't have to be lingerie. Just my 2 cents.

ripley · Feb 16, 2013

Have you watched some porn for ideas?

V.W. Singer · Feb 17, 2013

Perhaps your boyfriend has fantasies/desires that he considers "extreme" even in a BDSM context and is afraid to bring them up to you.

lambchop · Feb 22, 2013

My hubby (Dom) and I (sub) were in a similar situation. On the one hand I have all these great ideas (he's not super creative) but on the other, definitely want to be surprised. Here's the what's working for us right now.

For his birthday I gave him a homemade game. It's a card and dice game. The cards come in the categories: Reward, Punishment and Dom (or whatever you call him). On the Reward cards I wrote down things I enjoy, on the Punishment I wrote down things he enjoys. I made sure to include things we've never tried before in both categories. You can throw in some fun things like a "take 2 punishments" card, or a "sub is bound for next 3 turns."
The Dom cards are cards the Dom can read and play whenever he wants. They were things like to combine cards, to skip ones he didn't like, to remove or add articles of clothing, to bind limbs, etc. Then you pick your ratio and assign rolls of the dice (we play that #2 is reward and everything else is punishment).

That's where we started, then I asked my hubby to add some cards and he did! Nice and surprising ones too

I never knew he liked to watch me play with myself so much!

I hope this helps!

How to get dom to come up with things on his own?

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