Foreverbunny91
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**[I would like to post a TRIGGER WARNING for anyone who has been abused, out of respect for anyone in the forum with PTSD or abuse-related issues.]**
So, I you guys have had some really helpful suggestions for getting my somewhat vanilla boyfriend to get into a dominant role during sex... But tonight I discovered (although I kind of new this already) the real reason why he is hesitant to be my Dom, despite expressing an interest in all of the *perks* that come along with it and in doing whatever it takes to bring me deeper satisfaction. I also came to a better understanding of myself... Let me ramble on for a while, and I will eventually come to my point and my question.
First of all, I was never raped or abused myself. I was raised by a single mom, who had developed a very bitter attitude towards men. She has her reasons, and I won't ramble on about them, but they include domestic violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, bad relationships, alcoholism, unfaithfulness and bitter divorces. These things have happened to many women in our family (including my mother), and she wasn't shy in telling me how things were. I grew up learning that men aren't to be trusted with anything- especially not your heart. A girl who grew up in a healthy family would have taken my few mishaps with boys, bounced back, and been OK. I took them as proof that what my mother had warned me about was true and that I needed to guard my heart. I did it not by avoiding men, but becoming very controlling over them. I'm also insecure, which had ended up making me basically a control freak in my romantic relationships. (Please don't lecture me about how unhealthy and wrong this is- I've seen a counselor for this and am continuing to work on it, as I realize this is super unfair to my boyfriend.)
Four years ago, I was 16, dating a senior going into the Marines. This is when I had started noticing that I was sexually submissive. This scared me a bit, to say the least. I figured out that I did like being restrained, and I let him know that... After we broke up, he had told me he knew I was submissive in bed. I really denied that... When I started dating my current boyfriend (let's call him E), I told him "I like to be the seductive temptress at first and control what you do, then after we get into it, I like you to become a beast and take control of me." He was a virgin, and I loved that. I loved the comfort of knowing I was the first girl, and that I could mold him into the way that I liked. It gave me this weird sense of trust. We explored sex like a newfound world. I started to trust him more and more, but as our relationship grew, I grew more and more controlling. I realized this was hurting our relationship, but for me I felt if I lost control, I would somehow get hurt and lose him, too... Not until a year or two ago did I start to work on this, and I've gotten A LOT better.
So fast forward to now. My reluctance to try anal sex has been gone for years now (and we both indulge in anal from time to time), and I'm pretty much over my fear and resentment of oral sex. We've been dating for almost 4 years, and he's melted away most of my emotional barriers. I know he's not going to hurt me physically or emotionally, and I have come to terms with my sexual fantasies. I first realized I wanted him to roleplay as a father figure, then I realized I needed a Daddy dom, as I also want to submit to his control and to be used for his pleasure. I want to be his treasure and his play thing. I don't want this all the time- just in the bedroom when it's feasible for him (as I know he likes to do other things, and he's expressed an interest in submission as well).
However, through my past selfish, neurotic, manipulative behavior, I have basically conditioned him to be the opposite!! He told me this in the car today, after a slightly failed attempt at roleplay. (Not sure scene would be the correct term here, since it did not involve a particular setting or set-up or props or any form of punishment...) I didn't want to ruin anything by being critical, so I did not say anything, but I could tell he was uncomfortable, so I said "You know, when we're doing this you don't have to ask to do anything. I actually prefer that you just go ahead and do what you want, and tell me what to do." He then said "Well, I guess I'm just hesitant to do that- in the past when I've done things that may be offensive to you without asking, you reacted badly. I think actually one time you said to do things without asking before, and I did something that made you mad at me. You get this disgusted look on your face..." I told him that he doesn't need to be scared of that anymore, and that he can do it when he's my Daddy, and I will say a safeword if he says or does anything that I don't like.
I was thinking of telling him to just not ask before he does anything sexually ever again... But I'm sure that won't go over well somehow
I was also thinking that another reason is because he may like being submissive more than dominant. He has been kind of basically throwing the idea out there then saying he's not really interested for years- now (after our last hotel adventure, which was our first time really getting into a scene and him really dominating me) he's interested in trying it once to see what it's like during our next hotel room visit in a few weeks. (I need some advice about this as well, but I'll post about it later in a different thread.)
So what do you guys think? Anything you suggest I try to boost his confidence? Thanks in advance for anything you guys can give me!
So, I you guys have had some really helpful suggestions for getting my somewhat vanilla boyfriend to get into a dominant role during sex... But tonight I discovered (although I kind of new this already) the real reason why he is hesitant to be my Dom, despite expressing an interest in all of the *perks* that come along with it and in doing whatever it takes to bring me deeper satisfaction. I also came to a better understanding of myself... Let me ramble on for a while, and I will eventually come to my point and my question.
First of all, I was never raped or abused myself. I was raised by a single mom, who had developed a very bitter attitude towards men. She has her reasons, and I won't ramble on about them, but they include domestic violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, bad relationships, alcoholism, unfaithfulness and bitter divorces. These things have happened to many women in our family (including my mother), and she wasn't shy in telling me how things were. I grew up learning that men aren't to be trusted with anything- especially not your heart. A girl who grew up in a healthy family would have taken my few mishaps with boys, bounced back, and been OK. I took them as proof that what my mother had warned me about was true and that I needed to guard my heart. I did it not by avoiding men, but becoming very controlling over them. I'm also insecure, which had ended up making me basically a control freak in my romantic relationships. (Please don't lecture me about how unhealthy and wrong this is- I've seen a counselor for this and am continuing to work on it, as I realize this is super unfair to my boyfriend.)
Four years ago, I was 16, dating a senior going into the Marines. This is when I had started noticing that I was sexually submissive. This scared me a bit, to say the least. I figured out that I did like being restrained, and I let him know that... After we broke up, he had told me he knew I was submissive in bed. I really denied that... When I started dating my current boyfriend (let's call him E), I told him "I like to be the seductive temptress at first and control what you do, then after we get into it, I like you to become a beast and take control of me." He was a virgin, and I loved that. I loved the comfort of knowing I was the first girl, and that I could mold him into the way that I liked. It gave me this weird sense of trust. We explored sex like a newfound world. I started to trust him more and more, but as our relationship grew, I grew more and more controlling. I realized this was hurting our relationship, but for me I felt if I lost control, I would somehow get hurt and lose him, too... Not until a year or two ago did I start to work on this, and I've gotten A LOT better.
So fast forward to now. My reluctance to try anal sex has been gone for years now (and we both indulge in anal from time to time), and I'm pretty much over my fear and resentment of oral sex. We've been dating for almost 4 years, and he's melted away most of my emotional barriers. I know he's not going to hurt me physically or emotionally, and I have come to terms with my sexual fantasies. I first realized I wanted him to roleplay as a father figure, then I realized I needed a Daddy dom, as I also want to submit to his control and to be used for his pleasure. I want to be his treasure and his play thing. I don't want this all the time- just in the bedroom when it's feasible for him (as I know he likes to do other things, and he's expressed an interest in submission as well).
However, through my past selfish, neurotic, manipulative behavior, I have basically conditioned him to be the opposite!! He told me this in the car today, after a slightly failed attempt at roleplay. (Not sure scene would be the correct term here, since it did not involve a particular setting or set-up or props or any form of punishment...) I didn't want to ruin anything by being critical, so I did not say anything, but I could tell he was uncomfortable, so I said "You know, when we're doing this you don't have to ask to do anything. I actually prefer that you just go ahead and do what you want, and tell me what to do." He then said "Well, I guess I'm just hesitant to do that- in the past when I've done things that may be offensive to you without asking, you reacted badly. I think actually one time you said to do things without asking before, and I did something that made you mad at me. You get this disgusted look on your face..." I told him that he doesn't need to be scared of that anymore, and that he can do it when he's my Daddy, and I will say a safeword if he says or does anything that I don't like.
I was thinking of telling him to just not ask before he does anything sexually ever again... But I'm sure that won't go over well somehow
I was also thinking that another reason is because he may like being submissive more than dominant. He has been kind of basically throwing the idea out there then saying he's not really interested for years- now (after our last hotel adventure, which was our first time really getting into a scene and him really dominating me) he's interested in trying it once to see what it's like during our next hotel room visit in a few weeks. (I need some advice about this as well, but I'll post about it later in a different thread.)So what do you guys think? Anything you suggest I try to boost his confidence? Thanks in advance for anything you guys can give me!
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