How to Train him to be a dom.

SlaveLuna · May 21, 2011

Well, where to start..? I've been a sub in my past relationships and a bad event with an abusive boyfriend turned me off of it for a while and has taken me a few years to overcome. However, now I'm with a very cute, smart, and amazing man, who's everything I want in a man.. except he's typicallysubmissive.

I'm tired of playing dom, and would like to go back to my old submissive ways and the good news is that he is, in fact, turned on by ordering me around and such.. however he has a hard time being really dominant. His body gestures, his behavior, everything.. it seems all so submissive, so I have a hard time taking him seriously when he's ordering me around or trying to be dom.

I DO obey him and try to be a good little girl, but it's not as much of a turn-on as it could be. I'm not sure how to word it and how to let him know that I'd like his behavior to be more dominant. ( Not slouching, shying away, not letting me get away with things, giggling about things, speaking shy-like, etc.) I don't want to hurt his feelings as I love him very much, but I'm determined to make a dom out of him, yet!

For instance, while we're playing around I may act rather dominantly to try to get some punishment ( hee hee) but he usually just goes along with it and loses character. I'd like if, when i slap him in the face, he grabs my arms and.. I dunno pins me down and does it back.. ?

Any advice on this? I'm terrible with words, but I hope I got what I'm trying to say across. Is this a lost cause? Maybe I could find a dom on here to work with him and show him the ropes. (pun intended)

rick1283 · May 22, 2011

Tell him he needs to be a bit more aggressive and assertive. Sounds like thats what you want.

I guess it would be possible to "train" him, but unless you can prove to him that thats how you want him to act and he decides he likes it, it may be hard to do.

sebastian · May 22, 2011

Read the section in the FAQ on kiinkifying your Nice Vanilla Boyfriend. That might give you some ideas.

SlaveLuna · May 22, 2011

sebastian said:
Read the section in the FAQ on kiinkifying your Nice Vanilla Boyfriend. That might give you some ideas.

Tee hee. Oh, he's anything but vanilla. He's just.. well.. I call him a "princess'. He's just got to learn to assert himself. I'll read it, though. Anything will help I'm sure. I talked to him about it a bit today. I'm really just wondering how to help him get more confidence in himself and learn to be that sort of assertive person.
I'm probably gonna be in trouble though, because he reads my stuff I post here.. but ahwell.

I suppose I'll have to suffer the consequences.

SFbound4fun · May 22, 2011

When I met my wife she was pretty vanilla although she was in her exploration stage and was trying out different BD/SM stuff in a relationship with a Dom that she'd gone on a few dates with ... alot of the reason we hooked up is he liked the idea of being dominant over a woman who was dominant to other men... he "allowed" her to play with me at a party ... big mistake cause she never subbed again... that was 14 years ago ... lol

Anyway my point is that she is not terribly dominant most of the time, and I am way more sub then she is dom...

I've found that deliberate provoking works wonders, and can really get the ball rolling...

"when i slap him in the face, he grabs my arms and.. I dunno pins me down and does it back.. ?"

In this situation I'd wait for him to ask you for something or just any question and reply with "No, I won't get you water cause I'm not your slave and you can't slap me in the face and you can't fight me down to the ground and have your way with me." Now sure it is a bit passive-aggressive and very direct to him about what you want, but sometimes as a sub you just have to do what you have to do

In another thread like this I suggested people look at imagefap or somewhere that has caption images and find some that are what you want or make some of your own, and print them up or send to your partner via e-mail. Once I sent my wife a printed up pic in regular mail, so I wouldn't know when she got it ... lol

Be sure communication is really good between the two of you and don't be afraid to say this is what I want, so don't be afraid to treat me and abuse me cause I really want it.

On a side note I find most people become more dominant over the years ... not sure what that is but I was 95/5 back in my 20's but now in my 40's I'm more 70/30. (sub/dom)

P.S.Eudonym · May 22, 2011

For starters, abandon the idea to "train" him or to become exactly what you want. If he is going to change, its going to be on his own volition because he wants to. At this point, it seems to me, he is in an exploratory phase. He deals with issues and barriers you crossed a long time ago and it seems obvious that its not easy for him. Rewarding his work and sacrifices with calling him a princess or wanting to push him further is egoistic and will achive the exact oppossite of what you want. Allow him to take the time he needs and in the meantime, be grateful for what you get.

If you want to help him to be more confident, you have to show him that there is a degree of success in his actions and behaviour. I'm not suggesting you just play along and pretend everything is well, but also don't push him into things he has not yet become comfortable with. Most importantly, you need to give him the feeling that he gets something out of it, not just you. What it all comes down to, is for him to put you in your place as you want it, you first need to put yourself into your place. In this case, this mostly means patience and to be a good sub even if you feel he does not acknowledge it, yet.

Plus, suggest he come here and read the FAQ.

SlaveLuna · May 22, 2011

P.S.Eudonym said:
For starters, abandon the idea to "train" him or to become exactly what you want. If he is going to change, its going to be on his own volition because he wants to. At this point, it seems to me, he is in an exploratory phase. He deals with issues and barriers you crossed a long time ago and it seems obvious that its not easy for him. Rewarding his work and sacrifices with calling him a princess or wanting to push him further is egoistic and will achive the exact oppossite of what you want. Allow him to take the time he needs and in the meantime, be grateful for what you get.

If you want to help him to be more confident, you have to show him that there is a degree of success in his actions and behaviour. I'm not suggesting you just play along and pretend everything is well, but also don't push him into things he has not yet become comfortable with. Most importantly, you need to give him the feeling that he gets something out of it, not just you. What it all comes down to, is for him to put you in your place as you want it, you first need to put yourself into your place. In this case, this mostly means patience and to be a good sub even if you feel he does not acknowledge it, yet.

Plus, suggest he come here and read the FAQ.

Oh, you big bully!

In all seriousness, though he's very turned on by the aspect of it and more than happy to be my dom, and of course I'd be willing to switch to please him. As I've stated above, I love him very much and he means the world to me. I don't push him to do anything, and that's actually why I'm posting here. It's a delicate matter and I'm more just asking how to word things to him, how to express what it is that I want in a productive nature, without hurting his feelings. I think communication is essential in a relationship, and I don't mean that in a cliche sort of way. I mean that we talk about everything. He knows how I feel about this and he's working on it. I'm just wondering if there's any helpful advice about how to help him become more of a dominant personality than the shy, bashful one he is. ( And so you know, he likes it when I call him my princess. I'd never do anything or say anything he wasn't okay with. He's all I have.. and I'd be lost without him and there's no way I'd ever risk losing him... and other such mushy stuff.) He actually is often on here with me, though I'm thinking I'm going to see if it's okay for him to make a separate account on the same computer so he can feel free to post things and ask questions he may not be comfortable asking whilst I'm around.

Hm.. I suppose you could call me a dom who wants her sub to dominate her..if that makes more sense. Lol.

Really though, what all of this boils down to.. is I want to please him. Make him happy. Make all of his fantasies come true and do everything for him. All he needs to do is command me to do it.

Also, bound4fun, I like your idea and it kinda gives me another idea.. Thank you. ^_^

sebastian · May 23, 2011

The FAQ talks about things that may help a would-be dom build up confidence.

SlaveLuna · May 23, 2011

sebastian said:
The FAQ talks about things that may help a would-be dom build up confidence.

I've thoroughly read the FAQ's and have advised him to do so as well.

Thanks again, Sebastian.

sebastian · May 23, 2011

Confidence is really the critical skill for a dom, at least in my experience. Once a dom starts to feel like he knows what he's doing, or is good at some part of it, it becomes much easier.

How to Train him to be a dom.

SlaveLuna

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rick1283

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sebastian

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SlaveLuna

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SFbound4fun

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P.S.Eudonym

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SlaveLuna

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sebastian

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SlaveLuna

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sebastian

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