Hesitant Boyfriend- How to Get Past Scars?

Knots · Dec 4, 2011

JettOnly said:
Just remembered something
A friend of mine a few years ago was having a really difficult time in her life. She put a load of weight on and really wasnt taking care of herself - and her confidence was at rock bottom
When we did get her out it really didnt seem like she even washed - she looked terrible

another friend of mine who was visiting from another city - to me - seemed to go overboard praising her for how amazing she looked

I pulled her up and asked wouldnt it be more supportive if we had a word with her - but she ponted out that the girls confidence was so fragile that she needed built up
Much better to focus on the thing that looked best about her at the time and make her feel good about that

So I worked hard on finding something that looked less bad than the rest - for example the 2 week old nail varnish may - rather than comment on how chipped it was compliment on the amazing colour - then next time she had made an effort to have freshly applied nail varnish

Over the course of a few months I noticed a really big difference in the amount of things I could really compliment her on.
and the feedback went both ways - Im not all that good at complimenting people but my compliments were rewarded by her makeing more and more of an effort and feeling better and better about herself

She never needed being told she didnt look good - a mistake we all too often make.

I wonder if that wouldnt help your boyfriend a little bit - not telling him that he could have made you do x y or z a little more - but to tell him how amazing you found it when he did that - next time he might have the confidence to do more because he knows it is good for you too

I dont mean that you shouldnt have a safeword - but - and especially if you say you are safeword happy - you possibly for a little while should not be pushing things anywhere hard enough that a safeword is likely to be used
So you learn to trust him that you let him push you more - and he learns confidence that he can take the responsibility and has the skill that you can both enjoy the experience

This is actually a really good point from Jett. Criticism is often less productive/helpful than praise when it comes to confidence building.

Foreverbunny91 · Dec 5, 2011

Thanks Jett, those are great lists!

So is criticism ever good, do you think? Or should it be the same rule you have with children, where you try to praise X more times than you criticize? Since he's actually expressed a need for feedback without criticism, I should just cut any criticism- constructive or otherwise, until he's gained a fair amount of confidence.

I don't like the idea of training or conditioning my partner, but I suppose this happens without me purposefully trying to do it, whether I like it or not, so it might as well be in an advantageous way, right?

sebastian · Dec 5, 2011

It's the 5th post on the 4th page of the Newcomers FAQ, the one in the General BDSM discussion section.

Foreverbunny91 · Dec 5, 2011

Haha- I was about to say "Dude, it's NOT there," but then I looked again, and you said the 5th post on the 4th page, and I was looking at the 4th post on the 5th page -_-;; LOL.

Sex whenever he wants wasn't possible before (due to sex anxiety), but now that I'm pretty sure I'm better, I think that might work

*ahem* I may have to figure out how to repair things if panic attack does occur. Oral sex whenever he wants would probably work better, as the fear of pain or having to stop won't cause a panic attack and ruin it for him.

subarama30 · Dec 5, 2011

I totally agree about positive re-enforcement. My guy was totally vanilla too, well except from the odd bit of biting, he showed no inclination towards anything kinky. Me dressing up was as far as it ever went and role play was useless as he could never stay in character.

Anyway, I quickly realised through advice from people on here (thank you all) and trial and error that the key was to be really open and honest about what I wanted, I mean specifics so there was no confusion on his part about what I was asking for. It can feel weird being sub and feeling like you're telling your Dom what to do but he needed a guide and then once he got more comfortable in his abilities and realised that he wasnt hurting me he could do his own thing and got more creative.

If there were things I felt he was doing too softly, rather than being all 'thats weak' I would just be more playful in my struggles next time and act out to encourage more aggressive restaint or impact until he got the message. He learned pretty quick that if he told me to do something and i replied 'make me' then it was game on lol

I have had to coach him through times when he has marked me pretty bad or made me bleed and freaked out about it and not wanted to carry on. I cant even imagine how he would have dealt with the psycological aspect of being a Daddy. I think this alone might be an issue as it can be difficult for a lot of people to wrap their heads around.

Again I agree with others that if he has a sub side himself it will be slower going for him to get used to certain things. I can imagine that he would be hesitant too if you have had panic attacks on him in the past when he done things or asked you to do them as he's not going to want to repeat something that was painful to you psychologically.

Good luck.

TerribleT · Dec 5, 2011

These are cases of topping from the bottom thinks I.
I have a little experience with this also. But my wife is classic dominatrix. Until about two years into our marriage, she was repressed, big time. Wouldn't allow herself to even considder kinky sex let alone BDSM. 13 years later, here I am, balls in a padlock for escaping her handcuffs (key conveniently left where I could get it while she left the room).

In bed, she's boss. Otherwise, I'm the man of the house. Sound like you, Bunny? You control? I don't have control issues...but it's my job so I run the household and win the bread.
In my case, I had to draw the kink out of my wife. In your case, you have to inject it in...to your boyfriend.
In any case, we're manipulating our partner from the bottom.

I like bondage and I wanted to get her to indulge me. I got her to tie me up a few times before we were married. She dug it. It was obvious.
She was very judgmental though, and would say really horrible things to me. If I tried to introduce the topic of kink, I was "sick!" or "fucked up!" And she would lash out at me out of frustration during failed vanilla sex, saying very hurtful things.
She was violent.
She had to be on top in order to climax. She was not able to climax during sex usually.

Well, fast forward...... I got my bondage and then some! And she's a different person.
The trick was trust. Facilitated through handcuffs probably. We trust each other completely. Communication is key, of course, but it took years before we could even discuss BDSM. I allowed her to put it on me. That I was a freakydeek and was a dirty man! Fine. I can take it!

Yesterday, she was informing herself on sadism and S&M. No manipulation from me. O...M.....G...!!!!!
Another major breakthrough!
If her mother only knew!!!

In short, I would focus on trust and make very small advances in the direction you want to go.

Good luck!

Foreverbunny91 · Dec 5, 2011

T and Submama, thank you for your advice

I talked to him about being dominant more often. I told him thst whenever he wants to ill give him head- but he's got to tell me n if he asks I won't do it. Hopefully that eill make some positive associaations! ...now I gotta get to work on learning dominance myself to reciprocate

Surprisingly, the Daddy part does not seem to bother him as much as the dom part does... And he's not totally link free- he used to enjoy me scratching him during sex and anal (both ways) and doesn't mind restraining me... But telling me to do something is averse, probably because i've never taken too kindly to male dominance im tbe past. The panic attacks were mainly due to vaginal pains cuz of a tilted cervix.

JettOnly · Dec 5, 2011

I dont think you will have a trouble with the dom part

you already know what you want and are asking for it
Think of a senario that you like the sound of and run with it
hell, there is plenty of stories on the internet - if you like the sound of one of them get it set up in your head and adapt it as the whim takes you

Might free him up a bit too - if you are TELLING him there and then to do something then he isnt hurting you or doing anything to make you freak - takes the responsibility off of him

Foreverbunny91 · Dec 5, 2011

We talked a little today... He said that the Daddy part does make things more awkward... But he said overall that's not so bad. He said he just needs practice. And practice he shall get

ive been sending him stories I found I like. It's rather hard to find stories about a really loving Daddy dom- the story is normally either focused on incest or sadism. I've found a few good ones though

I just always emphasize that slapping me in the face isn't ok (yet). Lol.

Thanks so much for all of your input, and on a side note, I like Jett's new display pic

JettOnly · Dec 6, 2011

Its great you guys can talk so openly

If you are having trouble finding stories then why dont you write some - or adapt some you like (if its just between the two of you then who cares if you plagerise right?)
I hope you are asking for his fantisies too? Really great fun things to share - and you might get some surprises yourself

Thankyou for the compliment

thought it was about time I introduced myself properly

Hesitant Boyfriend- How to Get Past Scars?

Knots

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Foreverbunny91

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sebastian

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Foreverbunny91

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subarama30

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TerribleT

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Foreverbunny91

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JettOnly

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Foreverbunny91

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