Meeting up ....its been a while

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by MistressMaria86, Mar 21, 2013.

  1. Hi all,
    Have been pretty quiet recently, preferring to read posts as opposed to replying but I find myself in a bit of a situation and I know that you (the community) have always been kind enough to reply to my questions and so I am asking once more.

    So here's the situation - I have recently got back into kinky texting with a male friend who is a sub. I am a new Dom and he helped me go a bit of a journey of discovery (not just D/s) but sex in general (indeed I lost my virginity to him - he isnt interested in a relationship with me but wanted to help and with me being Dom it allowed me to do things at my pace without fear).

    Being that I had never experienced any physical intimacy and the fact that he was a nice guy, I fell for him despite him continually reminding me that he was not interested and to keep emotions out of things. I think he knew I had feelings for him but hey he was getting a little of what he wanted even though he would have preferred it with someone more experienced and who he was attracted to.

    So after a while he realised that I had fallen way too far and he ended things saying that I needed to go and find a proper relationship (now that i had some sexual experience) and that he needed to find someone he could be in a relationship with - sadly it wasnt me.

    I was crushed for a while but time is a great healer. A bit after new yr he replied to a message for once and I found out that he had a new f*** buddy - someone who he just slept with - and it suited them both. Although i found it hard it was either deal with it or stop speaking to him.

    So recently we have 'reconnected' via the D/s texting - apparently he hasnt introduced the D/s side of things with this other girl (which really surprised me as i thought for him sex and D/s went hand in hand). Anyway having finally put aside emotions I am able to text stuff and in the last few days its been most nights.

    He has also alluded to the fact - well actually come right out and said that he wishes I were over there now to tie him and gag him etc etc. Now I know that he wants the act rather than the person doing it and in a weird way I am ok with it.

    The big thing is that he has recently lost a lot of weight - I saw him after his weight loss but now he has started doing weights and works out quite a bit. I have a feeling that part of my 'comfort' with him is that he was a bigger guy and having had weight problems myself I felt less judged.

    So it seems like Sat night he has his place to himself and reckons I should come over. He also reckons that i should go 'shopping' as the plug and strapon that i bought last time were too small - give me a break I was brand new to it all - how did i know what he could take! lol.

    In one of our conversations I hinted that I would want something in return at some point which is a very vanilla massage - I just like them. He reckoned that it was too intimate (think he is still wary that I might fall for him again) which made me think 'hang on what do I get out of this - ok I do like giving him a spanking or a cropping or whatever but not to get what I really want!

    So after that long introduction a few thoughts:

    * How can I get what I want without him thinking its an intimate thing to do?

    * I keep trying to find something he doesnt like - something that can be done as a punishment but he reckons he likes everything - cropping, spanking, slapping etc.

    * If we do have a 'session' on Sat I would like to have some sort of beginning middle and end - ie its not just me doing stuff for no reason - plus it has usually always ended with me giving hand job which i am sure isnt right for a Mistress to do?!

    * He is not massively into role play and he just wouldnt do something like 'shave' if I asked him because this is just a bit of fun rather than a 'proper' D/s relationship.

    * Maybe some sort of theme or some game ideas would be fab.

    * I know its wrong but part of me wants him to think 'wow she has improved' and to prove that I can be dominant and really take contol - he reckons thats the only way he truly will submit - although I still have my doubts.

    Anyway I have probably waffled on far too long so congrats if you are still reading.

    Any advice greatfully received

    Mistress Maria
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Hey, Maria--glad to see you again. I think the big question here that you're dancing around is, what do you want out of this interaction? Do you just want sex? Do you want to impress him that you're a better domme because that's an ego stroke for you? Do you want him to offer himself to you romantically? Offer himself as a slave?

    I think until you know what you want, we can't really give you much guidance.
  3. Hi Sebastian,

    Ok to answer your questions - No I dont particularly want sex - but if it happens I dont mind but its unlikely as he has another girl for such an activity (and shes probably far better at it and he would much rather be doing it with her) . Yes I want him to acknowlege that I have 'improved in my role as Dom' (Am a bit like a child in that I need constant reassurance that I am doing ok). I suppose because in the beginning I guess I saw him as a bit of a teacher this is now showing him my homework - but also because I want him to enjoy it rather than just endure it - although no one is forcing him to do this.

    Offer himself romantically - hmmm again a smal part of me wishes he would wake up and realise that we could at least try it and see how it went but the realistic side of me knows that will never happen and so I try and keep reminding myself not to. Most of the time it works.

    Offer himself as a slave - again its not going to be a regular thing and as much as he keeps saying he will submit I know that he doesnt really mean it because of the things he wont consider - for example when he was sending me photos of himself as part of an obedience task (I was kind of testing the water a little when I asked for a second pic of him kneeling but this time without the underwear he said ' i think thats best left for in person'. I think for both of us its about temporary fun.

    Oooh while i'm here. We got talking about latex hoods - he really likes the idea of wearing one but in a 'conversation' he said that he 'would love to see me in one, love the sense of impersnality it gives.' Well my heart just froze - so basically what he is saying is that he wants something to cover my face - so that he can pretend its someone else doing the whatever. I couldnt reply other than to say it wasnt really me. Besides surely if he has one on and cant see then why do I need one? Also a hood is not really something a Mistress would wear ....would she?

  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    The hood issue first: it's probably not about not having to see your face (I think that's your insecurity talking), since he wouldn't be able to see anyway. Rather, he finds hoods a turn on. Many people like hoods because, as he explained, they create a sense of impersonality and anonymity. It makes having sex with someone you know like having sex with a total stranger, without the risk of having sex with a total stranger. It turns a specific domme into the platonic ideal of a domme. So I think this is just a fetish of his. And yes, doms and dommes frequently wear hoods and masks.

    So it sounds like what you mostly want from this interaction is some kinky sex and a chance to show him that you're matured in your skills. You seem to be realistic about the likelihood of this developing into anything more.

    So the thing to do is negotiate for what you want. Since you're only his domme for a scene, you don't have any power to order him to do things beyond the scene. So tell him that if he wants you to domme him, you're going to require a massage from him as part of the scene. If he wants to be dommed, he's going to have give a massage. If he refuses, tell him it's too bad, because you had been looking forward to playing with him again.

    He's trying to use you as an on-call domme. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you're ok with it and you feel your needs are getting met in the process. If they're not getting met, then negotiate to get them met. If he won't budge, don't play with him. There are enough kinky guys who are like full-figured girls or who don't care if their domme is a little heavier that you don't need to stick with this guy.

    Remember--dommes are outnumbered by subs by a fairly wide margin, and femdoms are the rarest type of kinkster, which is why there is a large market for prodommes, but only a much smaller market for prodoms and very little market for prosubs. So you're a rare commodity. Even if you're a little overweight, you will find it easier to find others to play with than he will. It's mostly your insecurity that makes you think this guy is your only real option.
  5. Hi Sebastian,

    As always you give thoughtful and helpful advice for which I am truly grateful. Yes the hood thing is probably an insecurity thing for me which would so easily be solved if he just confirmed what you said - that its something he likes the idea of whoever he were playing with - wonder if I could use it as part of some sort of 'confession' scene - get him to say all his fantasies. Its funny I dont know whether he concerns himself as to how I feel about stuff or whether he is actually using the fact that (as you said) I am unlikely to go looking elsewhere that he can basically get whatever he wants with very little in return.

    I agree I want the chance to show him I am more confident and more able to take control but no I wouldnt say i want sex - I want to do stuff to him and for him to enjoy it - thats how I get my enjoyment ....wait a minute that makes me sound like a sub lol.

    I see what you mean about the on - call Domme thing and to an extent from my part I am happy to go along with it just because 'something is better than nothing' however there are already hints of resentment (on my part) how come he ISNT picking up on the fact that I am trying to do what he wants - and indeed have just bought another toy (something for anal play) which he likes and yet he cant do one seeminly simple thing for me - to be honest he can disappear off into his own fantasy in his head as long as he is giving me the massage lol.

    As for being heavy - its not about that any more (I lost my weight before I met him) and I am normal weight for my height. Its just that there is some loose skin (tops of arms, tummy etc) and owing that I had a breast reduction before the weight loss op my chest area is more than likley not the same as other girls - and I suppose thats the big thing - he can compare me to others I cant compare him because I have no other experience.

    I do hear what you are saying about the ratios but I dont think seeing out another sub is really what I want - as it would be more about proving to him 'I can get another sub' rather than I want another sub (and I kind of suspect he knows that even though I told him about chatting to others online etc.

    Anyway I dont know whats going to happen tonight - I am determined not to be the one that makes the initial contact - if he wants it he will have to make the effort lol.

    Thank you once again


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