Seeking Advice On Boyfriend

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by decoyicus, Sep 10, 2011.

  1. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

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    So me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 or so months, and where as I have no complaints sexually I really want him to explore his kinky side. However he maintains that he doesn't have one which I don't believe to be true but even if it is he isn't even open to trying it. I have tried several times to convince him to indulge me but he has refused, I don't want to make him do anything he isnt comfortable with but I would at least like him to try out some mild kink. I think the main reason he is put off is I have told him about a few things me and my sub/mistress get up to and he find them a little extreme I have told him I don't want him to jump in at the deep end but he remains unconvinced. If it helps I would cast him in the dominant role as he is the top in the sexual side of the relationship. I'm not looking to do anything major just for him to tie me up, spank me a little, call me a few dirty names and to be a little bit more forcefull than usual. I would appreciate any advice or ideas on how to bring him round I have explained the things I would like done to me but he is still unwilling to try them.
  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    If he's not willing to accomodate for you at all, he sounds like a bit of a dick. Bu that's from looking at it without anything else as background. What's his problem? Does he just not think he'll enjoy it, or is there really something there?

    It'd be good to know all that before any advice.

    Something that's been suggested already on this board is letting him have all control of when sex happens, and how, and whether he reciprocates, so that he gets used to being in control and as rough or soft as he wants. If it seems relevant, that could be a start.
  3. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

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    Well he is by no means a dick just a little strong headed when it comes to this sort of thing and as for a reason all he has given me is "I just don't like the idea" and "I don't think it is going to be my sort of thing" but I do know that he is hesitant to try new things and not just sexually. I feel he just needs a bit of a push but I can't figure out how to give it to him.
  4. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

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    the thing you have to ask yourself is can you live without this need being compensated. if the answer is yes then by all means continue to do what you will but if the answer is either you dont know or no, then the simple truth is unless hes willing to try for your sake, you'll not be happy in the long run. Sure you may e able to put it off for years, but somewhere down the road it will rear its ugly head and you'll feel trapped. It's only been a few months, If your going to move on and find someone who makes you happy in all ways,, the time to do so is now.

    I suggest you talk to him, really really talk to him, and be as honest as you possibly can. I know its probably a tad embarrassing talking about some things, but just get through it and lay all the cards on he table. in the end, you'll be glad you did.

  5. Click here for more.
    Sparrow is correct! For one, no one should trap themselves into a relationship or situation that creates unhealthy tension if the need is serious enough to cause disruption in ones life, however if you think you can move beyond it then that is another option.

    Unfortunately with the answer of "Not my thing" coming into play, and his complete lack of interest in pursuing your interest, means this is a null and void issue to him.
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Yup, I agree with Sparrow as well. It's estimated that only about 10-15% of the population have a significant kinky side to them (depending on how rigidly you define kinky, I suppose). If he's not particularly kinky, the best you can get from him is some grudging playing along, which probably won't satisfy either of you. And if he's not willing to explore, then pressuring him to is just going make you both unhappy. Have a long honest talk with him; tell him what you want from him sexually, and if he's not willing to explore, then just accept that the two of you aren't very compatible on this issue and talk about moving on to other partners.
  7. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

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    After reading what you have all said I have decided to leave the matter alone, if he doesn't want to do it he doesn't want to do it and I can't force him nor would I want to. As for moving on to someone else I'm not going to do that, he is an amazing man and we have such a good relationship I can't see the logic in breaking it off just because he doesn't want to dominate me. It's not like my kinky side is neglected and doesn't get any attention, I play on a regular basis with a wonderful woman who shares nearly all of my kinks and has introduced me to some new ones. As for what Sparrow said I can live without him indulging my kinky side, its just I have recently discovered a new side of myself sexually and I wanted to share it with him but now I have come to see that I shouldn't push him. I would like to thank all of you for your input this wasn't the result I was looking for but its probably for the best I would hate for me to have pushed him away by pressuring him into to doing something he didn't want to. maybe he will come around in his own time we already have semi-rough sex so it doesn't seam like that big of a leap. again thank you all for your input.
  8. Nuka

    Nuka Member

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    You never know, one day you might come home and he'll be waiting ready, whip in hand xD

    Hope it goes wel for you :)
  9. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    Well, you have a BDSM partner too, right? So not all is lost.

    I mean that in a less negative way, but I can't thinkof wording.
  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    I think that's a reasonable solution. Keep talking to him about BDSM and find out what his objection to it is. The FAQ has a section that talked about ways to kinkify your vanilla boyfriend--maybe you can find something there that will help you.
  11. Zandar

    Zandar Member

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    Just and idea

    Have you thought of tried of achieving your goal by playfully putting him in the opposite role of that you want him in?

    Not sure if that made sense (or if it even is good english), so lets see if I can make it clear with an example.

    What crossed my mind was this setup:
    When ever you two are fooling around, "accidently" make him end up out of control. Have a tie or a scarf or whatever unharmful things hang around that can be used as cuffs or rope and at the right time make him get lock up. Before the "what the hell" or "untie me" pops up, start doing whatever he enjoys most (sexually probably). Give him a moment to let the new situation sink in.
    The moment he starts to enjoy this new situation to much, start an all out tickle frenzy, frustrating the hell out of him and at the right moment you "by pure accident" make him escape his bonds. See if you managed to "enrage" him enough and find out if you end up being tight up. Dont give him a too hard fight ;) .

    Hmmmm... After reading back what I wrote, I wonder if I was writing a serious reply the whole time or that my mind wandered of in a day dream somewhere near the end. O well, see what you can do with it. Enjoy!
  12. Knots

    Knots Member

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    I found this kind of sweet and interesting. Provoking light heartedly might well be a good way of doing it (and possibly amusing if unsuccessful).
  13. Birdlocked

    Birdlocked New Member

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    Get him drunk, then get it out of him!!

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