Past abusive dom, want to try again?

subarama30 · Jun 16, 2011

Ok brief backstory - I got with a Dom when I was very young (like 16) though didn't realise what he was at the time or what I really wanted, was totally naive and clueless. Over the next few yrs things got very intense and he totally moved on to some serious stuff and was constantly pushing the boundaries way too hard with me which hurt me both physically and mentally, and I ended things totally when he crossed the line into genuine rape.

I've been with my current partner for 9yrs (vanilla guy) but never discussed my past in terms of the full extent of my kinks. Yes, I enjoyed some of the stuff I did with my ex and my new partner know that I'm a bit 'different' but my past experiences have left me wary of going back to the old life.

At the moment, although my partner knows that I like to bit bitten (he seems quite comfortable with this part

and he is willing to hold me down a bit during sex (though lacking enthusiasm) - he is pretty vanilla and whenever there is a programme on about alternative sex or I mention something a bit more 'out there' he always says they are freaks etc. and makes me uncomfortable about pushing the point.

Basically, I just need some advice as to what to do. I am trying to be happy with things the way they are but I just can't shake my desire to be tied up properly, spanked etc. but I am worried that my man will be put off and not be willing to go that far, or that once I start back down that road I might bring back bad memories or that I will want to be pushed further than I should.

I know that everyone says it's about communication and honesty but I've been trying to get up the nerve to have this talk with him for ages now and it's sooooo hard. Any advice would be great.

sebastian · Jun 16, 2011

I'm sorry to hear about your past experience, subarama. You're not happy with the relationship as it is. So really you have three options. 1) Stuff your feelings away and hope that things improve on their own. 2) Break up with him and look for someone you're more sexually compatible with. 3) Find the nerve to talk with him about what you're looking for and see if he can make some changes for you. 1 might work if you're happy with the rest of the relationship and don't want to lose it, but it risks you feeling perpetually dissatisfied. 2 is fairly extreme and it sounds like you want to avoid that. So 3 seems like your best option. Given that he knows you're 'different' and hasn't left you yet, it seems like the worst thing that is likely to happen is that he will tell you he doesn't think he can do what you're asking him to do. And the best thing that can happen is that he gives it a real try and finds he likes it.

So talk to him. The FAQ has a section on ways to kinkify your Nice Vanilla Boyfriend. It might offer a few things that might help. I think the best thing would be to just honestly talk to him about what turns you on. He knows you like biting and being held down, and he's willing to try and accommodate you, so my guess is that he'll be willing to explore with you at least a little bit.

subarama30 · Jun 17, 2011

Thanks sebastian,

I think my worry is that he will take it as a critique of his sexual performance or something, I know how sensitive you men can be

and I don't want him to feel like I am not happy in that area because I am, there is just that added element I would like to include.

Also, I worry that because I know that my partner isn't naturally Dom that I may be pushing him into something he isn't totally comfortable with or that he won't be into enough to do things the way that I want. It's like if you know someone doesn't want to be there, can you really enjoy it as much?!

I don't know, maybe I'm over-thinking things...

kajmir · Jun 17, 2011

So why not a happy medium?

You got him into some nipping and bitting right?
Then you got him into a bit of forcefullness right?

Ok so Stage Two: Tie HIM up, nothing fancy, his wrists...tease the crap out of him, get him to enjoy it...let him realize it's not freskish. Then turn the tables, let him know you wouldn't mind having your wrists tied, being teased...

I'm normally agreeable to being direct but it sounds like your man is rather skittish...so why not whet his appetite for now by pulling a reverse?

No offence, REALLY but seems to me after 9 years you should be more comfy with your wants and this guy.

kajmir · Jun 17, 2011

Curious? You ever bitten him back? What did he do if you did?
Maybe with luck he is really just concerned YOU'RE going to judge HIM?

apex1o1 · Jun 17, 2011

in what context is this in?

subarama30 · Jun 17, 2011

He would never let me tie him up kajmir, trust me I've mentioned this before but I don't want to anyway I was just feeling him out for any possible kinks. He has brought handcuffs as a joke once but never tried using them for real even though I had made comments about using them before.

It's not that I'm not 'comfy' with him, we have been through loads together and are really close in every other way, I just am hesitant because the majority of BDSM I was involved in was with my ex and my partner has sort of an issue with said guy, worried that I still like him even though I've made it clear I dont (he doesn't know how bad it got with him btw). Also I know he worries that he doesn't measure up to the ex either, so I worry that if I start saying I did this and that and the other with the ex it'll give him a complex or something that he can't do what my ex could, iykwim?

sebastian · Jun 17, 2011

In the FAQ, I outline a strategy that starts with giving your partner the right to demand sex whenever he wants. My theory is that this will help some guys find their dom side and make it easier to explore bdsm. Give it a try.

subarama30 · Jun 17, 2011

OMG - I did, I finally told him, just kinda came out during a conversation in the kitchen of all places and he was actually pretty receptive to the idea of exploring things but I can tell he is struggling to understand just what I want and it's sort of a 'tell me exactly what you want' but I am finding it hard to vocalise it clearly to him.

I don't want to give some blow by blow scenario as that sort of defeats the purpose of the Dom/sub thing...I haven't talked about too much yet but he wasn't as freaked as I feared which is a good thing but he has mentioned dirty talk (me to him) which I've never really been able to get into so wondering on pointers.

He doesn't just like me saying nasty things to him but like a whole drawn out scenario that I find hard to create, he wants stuff that relates to past real life events but I can never go into enough detail for him...any tips?

kajmir · Jun 17, 2011

Congrats on talking about it, that's prolly the hardest. Sounds like it went reasonable well. So start him off small is my guess.

But about the dirty talk, I'm not sure what you mean about it having to relate to the past?

Past abusive dom, want to try again?

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