Past abusive dom, want to try again?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by subarama30, Jun 16, 2011.

  1. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Ok brief backstory - I got with a Dom when I was very young (like 16) though didn't realise what he was at the time or what I really wanted, was totally naive and clueless. Over the next few yrs things got very intense and he totally moved on to some serious stuff and was constantly pushing the boundaries way too hard with me which hurt me both physically and mentally, and I ended things totally when he crossed the line into genuine rape.

    I've been with my current partner for 9yrs (vanilla guy) but never discussed my past in terms of the full extent of my kinks. Yes, I enjoyed some of the stuff I did with my ex and my new partner know that I'm a bit 'different' but my past experiences have left me wary of going back to the old life.

    At the moment, although my partner knows that I like to bit bitten (he seems quite comfortable with this part ;) and he is willing to hold me down a bit during sex (though lacking enthusiasm) - he is pretty vanilla and whenever there is a programme on about alternative sex or I mention something a bit more 'out there' he always says they are freaks etc. and makes me uncomfortable about pushing the point.

    Basically, I just need some advice as to what to do. I am trying to be happy with things the way they are but I just can't shake my desire to be tied up properly, spanked etc. but I am worried that my man will be put off and not be willing to go that far, or that once I start back down that road I might bring back bad memories or that I will want to be pushed further than I should.

    I know that everyone says it's about communication and honesty but I've been trying to get up the nerve to have this talk with him for ages now and it's sooooo hard. Any advice would be great.
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I'm sorry to hear about your past experience, subarama. You're not happy with the relationship as it is. So really you have three options. 1) Stuff your feelings away and hope that things improve on their own. 2) Break up with him and look for someone you're more sexually compatible with. 3) Find the nerve to talk with him about what you're looking for and see if he can make some changes for you. 1 might work if you're happy with the rest of the relationship and don't want to lose it, but it risks you feeling perpetually dissatisfied. 2 is fairly extreme and it sounds like you want to avoid that. So 3 seems like your best option. Given that he knows you're 'different' and hasn't left you yet, it seems like the worst thing that is likely to happen is that he will tell you he doesn't think he can do what you're asking him to do. And the best thing that can happen is that he gives it a real try and finds he likes it.

    So talk to him. The FAQ has a section on ways to kinkify your Nice Vanilla Boyfriend. It might offer a few things that might help. I think the best thing would be to just honestly talk to him about what turns you on. He knows you like biting and being held down, and he's willing to try and accommodate you, so my guess is that he'll be willing to explore with you at least a little bit.
  3. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Thanks sebastian,

    I think my worry is that he will take it as a critique of his sexual performance or something, I know how sensitive you men can be ;) and I don't want him to feel like I am not happy in that area because I am, there is just that added element I would like to include.

    Also, I worry that because I know that my partner isn't naturally Dom that I may be pushing him into something he isn't totally comfortable with or that he won't be into enough to do things the way that I want. It's like if you know someone doesn't want to be there, can you really enjoy it as much?!

    I don't know, maybe I'm over-thinking things...
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  4. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    So why not a happy medium?

    You got him into some nipping and bitting right?
    Then you got him into a bit of forcefullness right?

    Ok so Stage Two: Tie HIM up, nothing fancy, his wrists...tease the crap out of him, get him to enjoy it...let him realize it's not freskish. Then turn the tables, let him know you wouldn't mind having your wrists tied, being teased...

    I'm normally agreeable to being direct but it sounds like your man is rather why not whet his appetite for now by pulling a reverse?

    No offence, REALLY but seems to me after 9 years you should be more comfy with your wants and this guy.
  5. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    Curious? You ever bitten him back? What did he do if you did?
    Maybe with luck he is really just concerned YOU'RE going to judge HIM?
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  6. apex1o1

    apex1o1 New Member

    in what context is this in?
  7. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    He would never let me tie him up kajmir, trust me I've mentioned this before but I don't want to anyway I was just feeling him out for any possible kinks. He has brought handcuffs as a joke once but never tried using them for real even though I had made comments about using them before.

    It's not that I'm not 'comfy' with him, we have been through loads together and are really close in every other way, I just am hesitant because the majority of BDSM I was involved in was with my ex and my partner has sort of an issue with said guy, worried that I still like him even though I've made it clear I dont (he doesn't know how bad it got with him btw). Also I know he worries that he doesn't measure up to the ex either, so I worry that if I start saying I did this and that and the other with the ex it'll give him a complex or something that he can't do what my ex could, iykwim?
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  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    In the FAQ, I outline a strategy that starts with giving your partner the right to demand sex whenever he wants. My theory is that this will help some guys find their dom side and make it easier to explore bdsm. Give it a try.
  9. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    OMG - I did, I finally told him, just kinda came out during a conversation in the kitchen of all places and he was actually pretty receptive to the idea of exploring things but I can tell he is struggling to understand just what I want and it's sort of a 'tell me exactly what you want' but I am finding it hard to vocalise it clearly to him.

    I don't want to give some blow by blow scenario as that sort of defeats the purpose of the Dom/sub thing...I haven't talked about too much yet but he wasn't as freaked as I feared which is a good thing but he has mentioned dirty talk (me to him) which I've never really been able to get into so wondering on pointers.

    He doesn't just like me saying nasty things to him but like a whole drawn out scenario that I find hard to create, he wants stuff that relates to past real life events but I can never go into enough detail for him...any tips?
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  10. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    Congrats on talking about it, that's prolly the hardest. Sounds like it went reasonable well. So start him off small is my guess.

    But about the dirty talk, I'm not sure what you mean about it having to relate to the past?
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    It's amazing how much easier things get when people start being honest with their partners about what they really want. Communication is the key. So ask him to explain in detail what he wants; I don't mean to tell you what to say, but to really lay out what it is that turns him on in this area.

    Maybe he wants to do a role play scene--you're a foul-mouthed slut he picks up in a bar, or you're interviewing for a job and try to seduce him, or whatever. If that's what he wants, ask him to describe the scene and then just do you best to play it out for him. Afterward, ask him how you could have done better.

    Or does he just want you to talk slutty to him during sex? Or as a prelude to sex? Ask him what sort of language turns him on. Maybe he just likes crude and direct stuff like "fuck my pussy with your huge cock", or maybe he wants something more seductive and suggestive. "It's sooo hot in here! Could you help me take off my shirt?"

    In general, when I talk dirty, I try to vary my vocabulary, because repetition usually sorts of kills the excitement. So I've learned a very long list of insults to throw at my boys: fag, faggot, cocksucker, pussy, pussyboy, cunt, bitch, worthless, useless, ass-munch, fuckwad, fucktoy, fuck-up, etc. etc. etc. Once you have a good list, you can sort of mix and match to keep things interesting: worthless faggot, useless cunt, cocksucking pussyboy, faggot bitch, etc. Try varying descriptions of him and his body parts with descriptions of you and your body parts, what you want him to do, what you want to do to him, and so on. "God Sir, your cock is so fucking huge! I really need you to fuck me with it. I want to feel you inside my cunt. My pussy is so wet for you."

    It takes some practice to make it believable, so practice it in your head, in front of a mirror, or when you're just cuddling with him. The first few times you say things like this it will probably make you feel embarrassed but it gets easier as you realize that you're vocalizing your desires in a very primal way. You're violating the taboos against saying these things, and that's what gives dirty talk a lot of its power.
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  12. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Kajmir - he means the past as in past sexual experiences but tbh I dont remember things like that in such detail as I've been with him a very long time. He wants to know everything from what I was wearing to where I was doing it, positions, where and how the guy detailed, it's totally not erotic for me I find having to think too hard and getting off don't go hand in hand for me but it's his kink so I'll go with it.

    Thanks for the pointers Sebastian, I think he wants me to talk during sex, or when he's wanking. I find it hard to think of enough words to use so I think it's a good tip to maybe practise beforehand as I know it'll probably come out awkward otherwise and it wont do much for him if I dont sound into/turned on.
  13. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    I'm just gonna jump out of this, Seb has it all under control. :D
  14. lonelyMaster

    lonelyMaster New Member

    As a guy who LOVES to hear his girl in any kind of relationship talk dirty, let me add that as long as you try, you'll do GREAT. Anything you say will be hot, although the dirtier the better. :p You will become more comfortable with it as you "practice" as seb said (in a very short time). But you literally can do no wrong in this arena. Hopefully that helps you feel less self-conscious.

    As for the past experiences thing, it might be that your partner wants to indulge in your slutty side and thinking of you with other men satisfies that safely for him. Recounting dirty things you've done that are new to him (since they were with other men) are exciting and nonthreatening since they were from the far past. Of course I'm really guessing here, I'd suggest asking him why he thinks he's into that. Cause it might help you understand how to do it better.

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