How to find a dominant boyfriend

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by shekina, Dec 9, 2010.

  1. shekina

    shekina New Member

    Hey :)

    I'm a young submissive woman, but I've unfortunately only had vanilla partners in the past, so I've never had any real chance to experience my submissive side. This is something that has bothered me in my previous relationships, and I have tried to introduce some bdsm-light without great success. I guess it wasn't their thing, and it doesn't do much for me when they're not really into it. It was not what made my past relationships fail, but it was definitely a need there that wasn't satisfied.

    A problem for me is that I'm not sure how important this really is to me, as I've never really tried it. I have always been submissive though, all my sexual fantasies and porn that I like contains elements of submission. I remember loving games that had "punishments" (non-sexual of course) already as a kid, so this is not something new either. Before my sexual debut, I was terrified that I wouldn't like "normal"-sex at all. Luckily I did, and I have had some great sex, but I find it hard to imagine going through life without bdsm as a part of my sex-life.

    On the other hand, I think sex is supposed to be between two people in a relationship. I know it works for some other people, but I don't wish to have a master that's not also my boyfriend. And for a boyfriend, there are so many other qualities that I look for as well. Normally I wouldn't even know what he's into sexually before I'm in the relationship, and I doubt I'd ever break up because he didn't share my fetish. I have considered sites online, but I don't want my relationship to be all about sex.

    My question would be how to find a dominant boyfriend, I guess, or how you managed to do so. English isn't my first language, so I find it hard to express myself, but I hope you understood enough to give me some advice!

  2. stvstvns

    stvstvns New Member

    Last edited: Dec 20, 2010
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    That's good advice. Look for your local munch and get to know some people that way. They can introduce you to others who are looking to date or play. Also, check out Fetlife and, both sites directed toward kinksters where you can post and browse ads.

    And there is some real chance that you can find a vanilla guy that you can 'convert'. Look through the Newcomer's FAQ--it will help give you a language to use when discussing what you want. Most straight guys, unless they're on the submissive side, will enjoy the idea of control to at least some extent. So explain to a guy you're interested in that you're submissive, and that means that he gets to control you during sex. He gets to decide what's gonna happen sexually, when you have sex, how often you have sex, and so on. Explain any limits you might have in that area (he can demand oral or vaginal sex whenever he wants, but he has to ask permission to do anal sex, for example), and then let him call the shots. The idea of a girlfriend who will do oral sex on command will excite most straight guys. Once the bf has gotten used to calling the shots, ask him to add in some of the other areas of kink, like bondage or humiliation or pain. Or talk with him about taking the control out of the bedroom.

    Most vanilla types think they don't want bdsm because they think that bdsm is about anger, cruelty, contempt, and other negative feelings. They know they love (or at least like) their partner, and they don't understand why the partner would want that. Or they think that bdsm is all whips and chains and uncomfortable leather clothing. So you need to help any vanilla guy you date realize that bdsm is much more than the shallow fantasies from porn and movies. Don't present it to a bf as something freakish that you want; present it as something cool that he gets to do with you because you're special. As Dan Savage would say, present it as a superpower. "Hey, honey, guess what? I'll give you a blow job whenever you want one, wherever you want it!"

    Once the bf gets used to the advantages of your submissiveness, explain that he needs to meet your needs the way you're meeting his. You want him to spank you (or call you his filthy whore, or whatever new kink you want to add); hopefully he'll find it a turn on and learn to enjoy it, but even if he has to work at it, it's something you want and deserve, just like he wants that on-call blow job service you provide. If he refuses to accommodate you, then explain that you don't think the relationship will work out and move on.

    Not all vanilla guys can be converted, but a lot more of them can than you think. It's just a question of figuring out how to present it to them.
  4. stvstvns

    stvstvns New Member

    Last edited: Dec 20, 2010
  5. shekina

    shekina New Member

    Thanks for the replies; I really appreciate it :)

    I wish I could get to know people through my local kink scene, but unfortunately there is none. Living in Norway is great in many ways, but I do hate that alternative networks are almost never found outside the capital. As far as I know (and I have done some research) there is ONE fetish club in the entire country, and it's not even that active. Shame on Norway!

    I don't know if there's a lot of Norwegians on the sites mentioned, but the idea of meeting a possible boyfriend on a sex-site does seem weird to me. If any of you have experience with these sites; how does it really work? Would it be close to a normal datingsite, just knowing in the back of your head that this is a kinky person, or is it all very focused on sex from the beginning?

    Sebastian, thanks for the great ideas! I think you made me realize some things that I could have done a lot better when I tried turning people in the past. The way I understand it, you suggest me to present my sexuality as a submissive, instead of just bringing the kinky stuff in as some sort of spice to our "normal" sexlife. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but that made sense to me at least. Also, I like that your method is a little sneaky, in the sense that there's nothing scary like pain involved. Simply doesn't seem like an offer that would be turned down easily.
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Shekina, my theory is that many people dislike kink not because they're not kinky but because they don't understand what kink is really about. If you've read the Newcomer's FAQ, what they know about kink is only the Outer Layer, the stereotype presented in movies and tv shows and porn; they know they are nice, caring people and therefore they don't think that kink is for them. But if you can get them to understand the Inner Layer, they will be much more receptive to it.

    Yes, I do think that being more open about your sexuality early on is a good idea. It will at least help you to rule out poor matches faster. And present the upside of your submissiveness first, and then ease them into the darker recesses of it.
  7. Gilgland

    Gilgland New Member

    First off I totally understand where your coming from, just from the opposite end of things and I agree that, at least for myself, sex is for the most part exclusive to being in a relationship.

    As far as what to look for in someone to figure out if they are a Dom or not, that is hard to say. You would be surprised how many "nice guys" would love nothing more than to get you home after giving you flowers and taking you out for a romantic evening and tie you to the bed, I guess what I am trying to say is don't mistake aggressiveness as dominance. You can be a Dom without being a jerk. As you said yourself, there are a lot of things, aside from bedroom stuff, that is very important in a relationship. I would say look for those other things in a person and start from there. As has been said already, talking about your desires early on in the relationship is a wise move I think. One of the hottest things I have ever heard was, after talking to a girl for a few weeks, "Yea I kind of like to be dominated". The person's reaction to something like that will tell you a lot about their likes and dislikes in that area. If he says "Oh! Me too." hes probably not the guy for you but if you see him perk up at a statement like that then you may be in business. It may be uncomfortable but communication is 10 times more important in a relationship when BDSM is involved. So keep the lines of communication open through out the relationship because how good or bad your experience is will be greatly determined by how well the 2 of you can say to each other "I want to try this" or "could you do this to me?".

    Sebastian Is pretty right on when it comes to vanilla guys before they discover BDSM. I was that guy not too long ago and it is really a rush to feel yourself shift from someone who, in everyday life, is normal and maybe almost submissive himself at work or with his friends, into someone who has a beautiful person that they care about at home but who will do whatever kinky thing he wants and enjoy it. I'm sure you will find someone who will be both a great boyfriend and an awesome Dom. Just don't settle for just a good Dom part, it may be fun in the beginning but it probably wont last, plus you can find much better than that. There are plenty of guys out there who will love and respect you but also do every twisted thing you could imagine to you.

    Good luck!

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