ClosetDom
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Once you go past "let's get kinky" and into domination, gender isn't really part of it.
The psychology of BDSM stays the same for straight, gay, domme, whatever.
That's what I instinctively assumed. So it's nice to have someone confirm that assumption. If you don't mind my asking of course, from what perspective are you making this assessment? Is it based on your personal experience and how extensive is that? Also is your experience with female or male subs, straight or gay?
That's a very common mindset. There's nothing wrong with it by itself, but it's something you have to be careful with. The main problem with a misbehavior/punishment cycle is that you have to have a way to handle behavior problems that aren't part of the BSDM dynamic. This also puts the sub in the position of calling the shots; they want attention, they do something to force the dom to give them what they want. These are big deals for some people, nonissues for others.
I understand how it could be a problem to base an ongoing relationship on that particular mindset. I would be much turned off by a situation of topping from the bottom, as you describe, on the part of my sub. I like to be the one who is in control. I was referring, however, to the initial stage of the relationship.... finding it easier to initiate a D/s relationship based on that sort of dynamics. Once the pattern between me and the sub is established, it would be much less relevant in the context of an ongoing exchange. You could possibly say that being new to all this I'm a little "shy" to initiate the exchange and that dynamics would work for me as an ice breaker in the initial stage or a relationship to get it going at first.
I'm primarily a sadist. It took me a long time to simply say "I'm going to hurt you, and it is going to please me very much."
I'm partly sadistic, but mainly in it for the control part. Personally, it is the act of submission on the sub's part that does it for me... pain then has its place in that context, as a function of that need, but not for its own sake, mostly.
At an appropriate moment, you tell her you like her a lot, but you like to play rough, and she might not like it if you went further.
She'll either be repelled or interested. It's the same old dating game, just with an extra step.
If she wants to play BDSM, it's up to you to tell her what you want her to do.
Sounds like good advice..........many thanks.
Now, to what degree do you find it constructive to compromise in order to get both your needs and your sub's fulfilled, when they do not overlap perfectly? I know it's an open ended sort of question.........
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