How Normal Am I?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Ceilidh, Mar 29, 2010.

  1. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    So, here is the deal - I'm married. Have been for the last 5 years, and at the VERY begning of our sexual relationship there was a small level of kink involved - tying down, blindfolds, sensations (like ice), warming oils, positions. But the kink intrest soon went away due to his job and a few other things these last few years.

    About 3 months ago, while we are at it:) I asked him to spank me. And he did. Since then it has just rapidly progressed into more.

    Do keep in mind that to my knowledge my hubby doesn't know I'm interested in bdsm (as a sub). Although I'm sure he may suspect it, as I suspect he might like being a Dom or being dommed.

    My point is...last night as I got throughly fucked - twice - and I noticed something. I noticed that I didn't really start feeling really sastified until he started getting rough - hair pulling, biting (neck, ears, ribs..), pining my wrists, nailing me deep and hard - giving me what I'm aching for.

    Anyways, I was wondering how normal or un-normal I am becoming? Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I alone? Perhaps I'm not wanting bdsm after all? Perhaps what I'm wanting is just really rough sex with some kink?? No, I think I do still want bdsm. If I didn't then why did I take a shower in hopes he would join me and I would get to be on my knees?
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2010
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  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    wait.... so is being into BDSM "un-normal?"
    I just want to put this out there.
    You're talking a forum full of people who are all very much into BDSM
    I dont think anyone here is going to tell you that you're not normal. Unless this is secretly a board for weirdos. Maybe you should try talking to your husband about your sex life! lol, everytime I see an advice thread people are constantly talking about communication over and over and over again! I bet that would be a lot more satisfying than just guessing or suspecting or assuming.
    not to sound rude of course!

    to sum it up, yes you're probably pretty normal but then again I dont know you personally! hehe!
  3. TerribleT

    TerribleT Member

    I don't know about "normal" but I think sexual exploration is healthy and right.
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Ceilidh, I don't quite understand what you're asking. If I understand your situation, you haven't been really sexually satisfied until you started engaging in rough sex. So you're thinking that maybe you don't like BDSM, just rough sex? Is that what you're asking?

    Perhaps I'm being simplistic, but I think that rough sex is a basic element of bdsm play. Both involve control, pain, and often humiliation. Granted not all BDSM play involves sex, but when it does, it mostly crosses over into rough sex, unless it's a vanilla part of aftercare. And not all rough sex crosses over into the deeper levels of BDSM, but that's a matter of degree.

    So I think that if you're interested in rough sex, you're interested in some form of BDSM play. And at least around here, as SLP has said, that's normal.
  5. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    I don't think you are rude sillypet :)

    And I am sorry if I came off thinking that being into bdsm is un-normal. I had a feeling I wasn't wording my question just right.

    What I ment is it normal to need/want that kind of roughness just to feel sastified? And after such a short period of time?

    I know I should tell my husband, and I will. Right now I'm just trying to figure myself out - what I know I like and what I want - before I take that scary step forward and 'come clean.' Because to me, once that step is taken, there is no turning back..:)
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  6. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    I think that is what I am asking.
    I believe I have been satisfied in the past. But lately I have been aching for more. It is like this snowball effect. I asked to be spanked a couple of times. Then he 'upped the intensity' to harder slaps, and rougher biting and much harder hair pulling. I feel as if I almost need this roughness just to achieve a release.
  7. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    There was another thread recently that was kind of like this (taking the scary step forward!).
    Since I love metaphors, let me paint you a picture.
    Sex is like a swimming pool. The shallow end in more tame and vanilla, but the deeper you go the kinkier and crazier it gets. Jumping into the deep end right off the bat can be pretty frightening, lots of people don't want to! Sometimes its a lot better to ease into it and make the transition from deep to shallow. Right now you and your husband are probably around 3 or 4 ft deep, rough sex, a little bit kinky.
    Obviously I don't know him or you so I cant say for certain, but jumping directly into 10ft deep might be a little overwhelming...
    Maybe it would be more productive and less stressful to just start merrily swimming in the direction you wanna go! No rush. (but like I said, maybe your way is the best way)
    >_< good luck!!
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  8. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    heh. I love the metaphor! And I agree - jumping directly into 10ft deep would be overwhelming. Maybe that is how I am looking at it, jumping into the deep end instead of taking 'baby steps?' I think I am.

    I don't think I am stressing over this subject. Just curious to know if what I'm feeling is normal (or natural might be a better word).
  9. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    thanks! metaphors are my secret skill, secretly
    (my master says its a simile, buuuuut whatever. I say metaphor!)
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  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I think what you're experiencing is progression, the desire for more intense and different BDSM experiences. For some people, progression takes them to very intense bondage, pain play, extreme clothing and other fetishes, and so on. For others, progression goes more slowly or never takes them to extremes. I think it's normal.
  11. theonlyone

    theonlyone New Member

    I've been where you are. Its taken a few long, uncomfortable conversations with my Husband to really get him to understand how my brain works differently than vanilla women.
    Before I fessed up that I wanted to try BDSM, I was having a REAL problem with my sex drive. The sex was always great [im just damn lucky that our parts match up almost perfectly] but getting me to actually get there was almost impossible.
    It has taken a lot of open communication and me being willing to drop my sub act and tell him straight up what I think of some things.
    If he is interested in going on the BDSM journey, I say find him a mentor. It should help him get more comfortable with topping and the whole BDSM world in general. My Husband is damn stubborn, so i'm still workin down the wall of allowing us to go to a munch.

    Good luck!!
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  12. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    Sebastian I think you are dead on what I'm experiencing. However, I don't think I'm just wanting only more roughness...I think I'm more so just wanting more in general. Now what more is I'm still trying to figure that out mentally for myself. Perhaps I'll start a list of what more I would like to see (making lists helps me purge what is all running through my head and I can sanely make sense of everything easier).

    Oh and speaking of fetish;) since apparently I'm on this shoe shopping kick...I came across some mens handcuff boots similar to the women's you liked:) would you like me to hunt down the links and send them your way?:D

    theonlyone -- I'm glad to hear someone else is in the same boat as I am. I'm thinking that maybe before this week is over hubby and I might have a talk, but I'm not sure. I will definantly talk to him before my birthday - that gives me nearly 2 months. But I think it won't be as difficult for me as it has been for you. I belive my hubby already knows how my mind works. He knows how I was raised and why I am the way I am, and act the way I act. He too is also stubborn, and I can never win with him.

    Perhaps, buying him a riding crop for our anniversary (which is between now and my birthday) will be a good way to start the conversation?
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2010
  13. WmaGuy

    WmaGuy Member

    There's not much to add....Sillylittlepet, Sebastian et al hit it right on the button....I've been fortunate to have partners who in one form or another - all had minds open for exploration. I can also relate to you in that arena Ceilidh - there was a time when I felt much the same way you do, (only in reverse). In a past relationship, I had someone who was for the most part, very vanilla, but in the right moments, (especially after a few cocktails), she became adventurous. It was very Jekyll and Hyde. Sober, she was a non-motivated, very "missionary" lover - no lingerie, no play - not much of anything. It was passionate to a degree, but not tremendously exciting. Lubricated with gin and tonics, she became wild, aggressive, submissive, fetishy, adventurous. I tried to add those components to out every day sex life to no avail. I actually found myself praying for gin... :) I also at one point, stepped back and began to question why I am so turned on to dancing on the edge and so turned off by most things vanilla.... it took a therapist to answer the question: "because that's who you are".... Duh....

    Since then, I've been more careful at the onset of a dating relationship to get some picture as to where/who the person is and if like in SLP's metaphor: they're willing to swim in the pool in the first place and if they have the sense of adventure to doggie-paddle for the deep end...It seems as if your husband is "there", you may have to lead him down the path a bit...

    Expand on what happened the other night - have a conversation outside the bedroom. Set up a nice, romantic, candlelit dinner for the two of you and in the midst of it, tell him how turned on you were when he spanked you - ask him for more. Buy a pair of handcuffs and put a key in his bag, briefcase, whatever he carries when he leaves the house with a sexy note attached...When he gets home, be waiting for him in bed with them on...

    By the way - you're normal.... ;)
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  14. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    hehee. yay I'm normal!! lol.

    HAHA! the handcuff...OMG! We already have two REAL sets, and he has the key on his keyring. Apparently random people in the dorms were getting handcuffed and were screwed until somebody came along with a key. lol. So he stuck a key on his keyring just in case...

    Anyway I think I agree WMA Guy:) I think my hubby might already be 'there' at least that is now what I think after this afternoon's festivities...and I must say if I thought the other day I was throughly fucked...I don't know what to call todays because my whole body hurts.:D

    About talking to him outside of the bedroom. I don't see it happening, unless it is teasing and taunting each other. He isn't romantic :( Honestly, the last time he bought me flowers 2004, that's 6 years ago. Geez, I didn't realize how long it has been until now. :(
  15. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Ceilidh, so you're looking for more than just rough sex? What sort of 'more'? More control? More or stricter bondage? More pain? More humiliation and verbal abuse? Some new sort of sex acts like anal or face-fucking? New types of bondage? New types of pain? New role-play, like cop/criminal or doctor/patient? If the answer to any of these is 'yes', then you're looking for BDSM, just like the rest of us here. If, on the other hand, you're looking for more 'romance', more candle-light dinners, more love notes, maybe you're not looking for BDSM (although all of those can be worked into BDSM--I have a fantasy of taking a partner out for a romantic dinner, telling him at the start that I'm going to rape him when we get home, and then romancing him to much that when I assault him it takes him by surprise).

    BDSM requires communication to be successful, just like most things in marriage/relationships. He's not a mindreader, so he has no way of knowing what you really want him to do unless you tell him somehow. And if you can't communicate with him clearly, he may not realize when you need him to stop a scene because you're upset or in serious pain or whatever. BDSM can really bring some couples together and help them bridge communication gaps, but I think you need to find a way to sit down with him. Maybe lots of small conversations instead of big ones, or maybe some pillow talk after sex when he might be more receptive--tell him what you really liked about what you just did and what you hope he'll do next time. Men who don't communicate alot are often somewhat insecure about sex, so it's possible that he'll respond well to you telling him that he was hitting the right buttons. And if he's poor at communication, he may not notice that you're really getting into it when he insults you or spanks you unless you flat out tell him. He may just worry that he's lousy in bed and therefore not want to talk about it.

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