Sexually selfish?

Moonlight · May 31, 2012

edjixxx - He has actually told me that. Several times throughout our marriage he has told me he feels so selfish and wonders why I put up with a jerk like him... I get the confused what are you talking about look since I can't think of a time when I thought he was being a jerk.

MagisterFruiticitum · May 31, 2012

One thing as well is that there is a difference between feeling selfish and being selfish. A person can feel very selfish while actually not being selfish at all, and the other way around also.

As far as what you describe, subarama, I would say you are not being selfish for being a sub. Of course, to know for sure you would have to examine your motives for what you do.

edjixxx · May 31, 2012

Magister, true. The more I ponder it, the more it seems to me that selfishness is more of a character flaw, one which we are keenly aware of, and do our best to suppress it. I think one who is truly selfish wouldn't even know or care about the glaring trait.

subarama30 · May 31, 2012

Interesting views everyone. Thanks...

I think I was feeling that way because in the beginning of my current relationship I was very much the giver in everyday life and sexually. I put all my needs aside to please and ended up resenting my partner for a time. Over the years something shifted and he changed, don't know if he realised what an arse he had been but suddenly he was more open to what I wanted/needed.

Anyway, it was a slow gradual process but fast forward to now and he is much more loving, caring and giving, wants to make me happy anyway he can, especially sexually. Which has weirdly made ME feel like I am expecting too much. Maybe I feel like I don't have a right to expect anything I want and that is my own issues I guess but now that he behaves more how I wish he had years ago I feel like I am not playing the right role in the relationship.

Because I know he would never have got into anything remotely kinky without my influence I feel like I am being selfish for needing him to be something other than what he otherwise might have been. If that makes sense?

Yes, I'm happy he changed but I dont want him to ever be feeling how I used to about our sex life, or me in general I think is what I'm getting at.

edjixxx · May 31, 2012

Subarama, I think your feeling outside your comfort zone. When you were the giver, that's what you came to know as what is the norm for the relationship. As the scale weights, if you will, shifted, now your placed in a brand new, unexamined area of your life and relationship. This feels foreign, different, and scary, to an extent. Being placed outside what you have come to know as your role, now you have more of a say than you had before, which commands a certain amount of decision making.

Decision, of Greek origin, literally means "to cut away" which means there's parts that you are now second guessing about decisions you've made. As communication is the only way we humans have of expression, I think it's very important to discuss your feelings, bluntly, with your husband. Listen to his answers, make sure he's being blunt with you, also. As it was put before, paradox is a main feature of BDSM. But, if you and him examine both sides, and both are happy, hell, go for it!

I don't know if this means anything, but a friend that I dare to consider close, s a Socrates quote.... "a life unexamined isn't worth living" I don't know what that means to you, but felt I had to share for some reason.

MistressMaria86 · May 31, 2012

Subarama - Yes its probably something I do need to think about.I suppose the way i look at it, is if its the only way I am going to get to do 'physical stuff' having never done anything sexually before (he has literally taken it upon himself to 'show me the world' but of course intertwined with 'his world' then while I dont hate it I am happy to go along with it chances are he will meet someone he actually wants to be in a relationshp with outside of the bedroom in the not too distant future and we havent actually met up for a while so it is probably on its last legs anyway. - I wont ever do something I am uncomfortable with.

Sebastian - really like that idea - if we have another session i'll try it out

MM

Sexually selfish?

Moonlight

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MagisterFruiticitum

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edjixxx

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subarama30

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edjixxx

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MistressMaria86

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