How Normal Am I?

theonlyone · Mar 29, 2010

I've been where you are. Its taken a few long, uncomfortable conversations with my Husband to really get him to understand how my brain works differently than vanilla women.
Before I fessed up that I wanted to try BDSM, I was having a REAL problem with my sex drive. The sex was always great [im just damn lucky that our parts match up almost perfectly] but getting me to actually get there was almost impossible.
It has taken a lot of open communication and me being willing to drop my sub act and tell him straight up what I think of some things.
If he is interested in going on the BDSM journey, I say find him a mentor. It should help him get more comfortable with topping and the whole BDSM world in general. My Husband is damn stubborn, so i'm still workin down the wall of allowing us to go to a munch.

Good luck!!

Ceilidh · Mar 29, 2010

Sebastian I think you are dead on what I'm experiencing. However, I don't think I'm just wanting only more roughness...I think I'm more so just wanting more in general. Now what more is I'm still trying to figure that out mentally for myself. Perhaps I'll start a list of what more I would like to see (making lists helps me purge what is all running through my head and I can sanely make sense of everything easier).

Oh and speaking of fetish

since apparently I'm on this shoe shopping kick...I came across some mens handcuff boots similar to the women's you liked

would you like me to hunt down the links and send them your way?

theonlyone -- I'm glad to hear someone else is in the same boat as I am. I'm thinking that maybe before this week is over hubby and I might have a talk, but I'm not sure. I will definantly talk to him before my birthday - that gives me nearly 2 months. But I think it won't be as difficult for me as it has been for you. I belive my hubby already knows how my mind works. He knows how I was raised and why I am the way I am, and act the way I act. He too is also stubborn, and I can never win with him.

Perhaps, buying him a riding crop for our anniversary (which is between now and my birthday) will be a good way to start the conversation?

WmaGuy · Mar 29, 2010

There's not much to add....Sillylittlepet, Sebastian et al hit it right on the button....I've been fortunate to have partners who in one form or another - all had minds open for exploration. I can also relate to you in that arena Ceilidh - there was a time when I felt much the same way you do, (only in reverse). In a past relationship, I had someone who was for the most part, very vanilla, but in the right moments, (especially after a few cocktails), she became adventurous. It was very Jekyll and Hyde. Sober, she was a non-motivated, very "missionary" lover - no lingerie, no play - not much of anything. It was passionate to a degree, but not tremendously exciting. Lubricated with gin and tonics, she became wild, aggressive, submissive, fetishy, adventurous. I tried to add those components to out every day sex life to no avail. I actually found myself praying for gin...

I also at one point, stepped back and began to question why I am so turned on to dancing on the edge and so turned off by most things vanilla.... it took a therapist to answer the question: "because that's who you are".... Duh....

Since then, I've been more careful at the onset of a dating relationship to get some picture as to where/who the person is and if like in SLP's metaphor: they're willing to swim in the pool in the first place and if they have the sense of adventure to doggie-paddle for the deep end...It seems as if your husband is "there", you may have to lead him down the path a bit...

Expand on what happened the other night - have a conversation outside the bedroom. Set up a nice, romantic, candlelit dinner for the two of you and in the midst of it, tell him how turned on you were when he spanked you - ask him for more. Buy a pair of handcuffs and put a key in his bag, briefcase, whatever he carries when he leaves the house with a sexy note attached...When he gets home, be waiting for him in bed with them on...

By the way - you're normal....

Ceilidh · Mar 29, 2010

hehee. yay I'm normal!! lol.

HAHA! the handcuff...OMG! We already have two REAL sets, and he has the key on his keyring. Apparently random people in the dorms were getting handcuffed and were screwed until somebody came along with a key. lol. So he stuck a key on his keyring just in case...

Anyway I think I agree WMA Guy

I think my hubby might already be 'there' at least that is now what I think after this afternoon's festivities...and I must say if I thought the other day I was throughly fucked...I don't know what to call todays because my whole body hurts.

About talking to him outside of the bedroom. I don't see it happening, unless it is teasing and taunting each other. He isn't romantic

Honestly, the last time he bought me flowers was...in 2004, that's 6 years ago. Geez, I didn't realize how long it has been until now.

sebastian · Mar 29, 2010

Ceilidh, so you're looking for more than just rough sex? What sort of 'more'? More control? More or stricter bondage? More pain? More humiliation and verbal abuse? Some new sort of sex acts like anal or face-fucking? New types of bondage? New types of pain? New role-play, like cop/criminal or doctor/patient? If the answer to any of these is 'yes', then you're looking for BDSM, just like the rest of us here. If, on the other hand, you're looking for more 'romance', more candle-light dinners, more love notes, maybe you're not looking for BDSM (although all of those can be worked into BDSM--I have a fantasy of taking a partner out for a romantic dinner, telling him at the start that I'm going to rape him when we get home, and then romancing him to much that when I assault him it takes him by surprise).

BDSM requires communication to be successful, just like most things in marriage/relationships. He's not a mindreader, so he has no way of knowing what you really want him to do unless you tell him somehow. And if you can't communicate with him clearly, he may not realize when you need him to stop a scene because you're upset or in serious pain or whatever. BDSM can really bring some couples together and help them bridge communication gaps, but I think you need to find a way to sit down with him. Maybe lots of small conversations instead of big ones, or maybe some pillow talk after sex when he might be more receptive--tell him what you really liked about what you just did and what you hope he'll do next time. Men who don't communicate alot are often somewhat insecure about sex, so it's possible that he'll respond well to you telling him that he was hitting the right buttons. And if he's poor at communication, he may not notice that you're really getting into it when he insults you or spanks you unless you flat out tell him. He may just worry that he's lousy in bed and therefore not want to talk about it.

Emma · Mar 29, 2010

Just wanted to add that I feel the same as you in the sense that sometimes I wonder if its normal! I will cum from just plain 'vanilla' sex but when theres spanking or slapping etc involved the orgasm is so much more intense, the release ten times better and I do wonder sometimes if theres something a bit weird about needing pain to get that full release. However, the more I read about it all the more people you see who are the same so even if it isnt 'normal' you're definately not alone, lol! And anyway normal is only what you consider to be the norm so if bdsm is normal for you then wouldnt it be that you're normal and the boring vanilla people are the weird ones, ha!

I do think that you should discuss your needs and feelings with your husband, after all a marraige requires absolute trust its not a teenage relationship anymore there shouldnt be a fear that he'll run off if he discovers your true desires because what kind of a marraige would it be if that was the case!

TerribleT · Mar 29, 2010

Yes....you're fine!...and NO!....you don't need a lobotomy!

Communication can be a challenge. Especially when one party isn't comfortable with, or doesn't understand the topic. Just ask me.
Keep it simple. Make sure you're on the same page. Don't overwhelm your partner with a barrage of different ideas, questions or desires/needs /wants etc. Stay away from labels.

Actions speak louder then words.
Reward/re assure/thank your partner when they get it right. If they do something kinky for you, make sure you're very clear that you liked it, especially when it involves pain or humiliation etc.
We all have learned what we expect people should enjoy and not enjoy. Things, like table manners and shaking hands and saying hello and smiling.....or like shouting or swearing or hitting.
These are social mores and they don't always apply to sex, do they? Missing sexual cues and mis interpretation is inevitable. No worries. We learn.

When you've tried communication and failed, try it again, slower.

Good luck!

Ceilidh · Mar 30, 2010

sebastian said:
Ceilidh, so you're looking for more than just rough sex? What sort of 'more'? More control? More or stricter bondage? More pain? More humiliation and verbal abuse? Some new sort of sex acts like anal or face-fucking? New types of bondage? New types of pain? New role-play, like cop/criminal or doctor/patient? If the answer to any of these is 'yes', then you're looking for BDSM, just like the rest of us here. If, on the other hand, you're looking for more 'romance', more candle-light dinners, more love notes, maybe you're not looking for BDSM (although all of those can be worked into BDSM--I have a fantasy of taking a partner out for a romantic dinner, telling him at the start that I'm going to rape him when we get home, and then romancing him to much that when I assault him it takes him by surprise).

...And if he's poor at communication, he may not notice that you're really getting into it when he insults you or spanks you unless you flat out tell him. He may just worry that he's lousy in bed and therefore not want to talk about it.

Holy mother of fudge-cicles. *drool* Can I just say you know how to turn me on?

Control? yes. Stricter bondage? I'm rarley ever getting tied down, but he is stronger than me so he pins me down when he feels like it. More pain? I don't know if I can handle much more - but then that could just be me still being sore talking. Humiliation and verbal abuse? I think I would like some of that. Anal? already been there.

Face fucking? Interesting

I'll have to think about that one

I don't know anything about new types of bondage or pain. Role-play doesn't intrest me (but who is to say it wont in a few years?)

(is it just me or does it sound like I just orderd off the dollar menu at mcdonalds - bdsm style? lol!)

And don't get me wrong, what girl wouldn't like to get flowers for no reason? They don't even have to be roses. They could be just the cheapest you can find and they will still put a smile on my face. What can I say? I'm easy. lol.

Um, your fantasy.....is hot. I wouldn't mind playing the partner in that...But then again apparnelty when I was little I had fantasies of bondage and being raped. I didn't know it at the time that is what I was fantasizing about, but just recently I have realized this. Hence the reason I may sometimes say I think I've been interested my whole life and just never knew it. However, I do want to say, although I like your fantasy - a lot. I have other ideas I want to do - before and if - I ever reach yours.

You might be right about him being insecure. He recnetly told me he has only been with three women his entire life. But I also think he knows that the spanking is getting me off. It is like when his hand leaves me my body suddenly goes into anticipation. Then when he strikes my body relaxes and I sigh/moan because I liked it..And I'm pretty sure he knows he isn't lousy in bed. He seemed pretty smug yesterday after wearing me out

sebastian · Mar 30, 2010

Well, Ceilidh, I think it's safe to say you're into BDSM. Are you 'normal'? Well, it's estimated that 10% of the population has engaged in BDSM, which is somewhat more than twice the population that identifies as gay. If something that one out of ten does qualifies as 'normal', then yes, you're normal.

Well, if your husband is a little insecure about sex, then do what any good sub does: praise him fulsomely. Don't be false or insincere, but praise him. I love it when one of my subs praises my skills. It helps me feel more secure that I'm doing a good job, and that praise also sort of guides me--I want to get better at the things I'm praised for.

If your husband likes spanking you and being rough with you, why do you think he'd be really uncomfortable exploring bdsm? It sounds like he's got a dominant personality, at least when it comes to sex. If you think that a big conversation with him won't work, maybe try suggesting one activity. You want bondage, and he's willing to cuff you, so take the next step and ask him to tie you up with some rope. If that won't work, how about browse online a site that sells leather cuffs and 'accidentally' leave that page open so he'll see it, or let him catch you browsing it and use that as a starting point for a conversation. Leather gear is a little easier to master than rope bondage so maybe it will help him take the next step. Or buy a book like 'the Loving Dominant' or 'SM 101' and leave it where he will find it, although that's a fairly blatant step. If he reacts really badly to the book, tell him that a friend loaned it to you. "Different Loving" has a chapter on spanking, so you could claim that you borrowed the book just to read that section

Ceilidh · Mar 30, 2010

I never thought of praising him. I mean, yeah he knows what he does is good, and if I'm starting to hurt I tell him (sometimes my hips start to hurt from a certain position). That's why I love this place. Someone can easily see what someone else is missing.

(even if it is right in front of their face). I will start praising him and bluntly tell him what I want.

Hum, leaving websites open? Does it count that I was looking at collarfactory.com and he saw? But then I also went into the make your own belt section...With what limited selection we have here, I can't find any belts in my size. So does that count? I also asked him what he thought...

I will definantly try to get my hands on those books. I would order them now, but I can't because our current mailbox has closed. And since we will soon be living with our parents - until we can find somewhere of our own - I will have to either physically hunt for those books (which I'm not against) or hope they get shipped discreetly and nobody opens them (in my family there is no such thing as privacy).

I have also thought about buying "Screw the Roses..."

And I promise. I will try to grow the balls to tell him before this week is over...while I still have a chance...if not there is possibly a 26hr flight in our near future....lol.

How Normal Am I?

theonlyone

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Ceilidh

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WmaGuy

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Ceilidh

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sebastian

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Emma

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TerribleT

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Ceilidh

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sebastian

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Ceilidh

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