As a Dom, am I wired alright?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by ClosetDom, Jun 2, 2011.

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  1. ClosetDom

    ClosetDom New Member

    My nature is that of a Dom, that's the way I was born and have always felt. I always repressed it, though, choked it deep inside myself until recently, because I was so convinced this was something to be really ashamed about that made me some sort of a monster. Reading forums such as this one, I've now come to the realization that embracing this nature of mine is an alright thing to do. What I've done so far is just light stuff with bdsm overtones in the context of vanilla relationships, but doing it that way has only served to sharpen my appetite for the real thing.
    Now, here's the problem. The women I come across with that I sense to be submissives...once they sense my dominating nature, they become passive and very nice to me. They do nothing...just become nice and docile and passive and behave in such a way as to be liked. Something perhaps is wrong with the way I'm wired psychologically (as a dom), or perhaps it might simply be lack of experience with submissives at heart, but I find that that type of behavior on their part much turns me off as a dominant... The niceness I mean... I'd rather be turned on by someone who misbehaves, who upsets me a bit, in such a way as to justify my retaliation...their being punished...
    Am I alone in this kind of psychological makeup, and what to do about it? Your feedback will be much appreciated.
     
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Different doms and subs have different views on submission. Some like the sub to be very passive all the way through, some like the sub to struggle after the struggle is hopeless (I fall into that category), some like the sub to be naughty/feisty but ultimately submit, and some like the sub to only submit if the dom can force the sub to do so. It's really a matter of personal taste and communication--it can get very frustrating if the dom wants a struggle and the sub wants to be passive (or vice versa). My advice is to do some talking with your prospective subs.

    And it sounds mostly like you've been hoping to run across a sub while dating vanilla women. That's a reasonable approach, but it means that you're going to be very hit or miss, and you're going to be doing a lot of training of new subs. I'd suggest supplementing that approach with some efforts to find more experienced sub women. Try kinky dating sites like Collarme or Fetlife. See if you can find your local munch and start attending meetings. These are places where you're likely to find women who pre-identify as submissive, and who are therefore more likely to understand what you're looking for.
     
  3. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I'm like a sub version of this, sometimes. Most of the time I like to comply, but I also want Master to make me submit sometimes, and will fight back. So I'd assume you're okay.

    Sebastian beat me to pretty much everything else, but I'm going to second that you look for an experienced sub woman, so you're not sorting this out with vanilla ladies or needing to have both of you experimenting.
     
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Also, do a lot of reading. As a novice dom, reading is absolutely the best thing you can do. The FAQ may be useful, but track down a couple of the books listed in the reading list there and read them. Dossie and Easton's New Topping Book is a good place to start, followed by SM 101 and The Loving Dominant. As the dom, you are responsible for understanding what you're trying to do and knowing enough to do it safely.
     
  5. ClosetDom

    ClosetDom New Member

    Thanks for the excellent advice, both of you. I'll look into those books.
    Talking of books/written materials...can you also suggest something specific that deals with the approach itself...dom to sub? I have spent years on perfecting my approach of vanilla women...but now it's like being totally inexperienced again when it comes to submissives. The type of material that explains in depth the psychology of the interaction, the seduction in the context of bdsm... Do you know of any such materials that you could suggest?
     
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    All the books on the reading list touch on the issue in some way or another, but I haven't seen a good book that focuses on the psychology directly. The closest thing is Different Loving, which has good sections of most of the major fetishes and interviews with the people who get into them. The book is a very good window in what someone might enjoy about, for example, erotic wrestling or being pissed on.

    Personally, I'm pretty good with psychology, so if you have a specific question I can take a stab at it.
     
  7. SFbound4fun

    SFbound4fun New Member

    Find a bratty sub. Be upfront and tell potential subs that you like subs that aren't always passive and nice all the time.

    Be passive-aggressive about what you want if you find a sub that isn't bratty or isn't being bratty when you want them to be...

    You "So what did you do wrong today?"
    her "Uh nothing, Master"
    You "Well then I guess I'll just have to punish you for not doing anything wrong, and I don't want to be a bad master so you better think of something you did wrong today and fast!"
    I'd say most people would get the point by that time...

    Final thought - if you connect with someone in a BDSM relationship you shouldn't throw in the towel right away just cause they are too nice or too passive... be honest and tell her what you want ... you'll have to go above and beyond when it comes to communication... even experienced players are able to change their stripes when it comes to Love.

    Talk it all through with her ... maybe you'll find she can be "not passive" some of the time and it will be enough for you... I know thats how it is with my wife only it's her being dominant or vanilla ... she's not dom all the time but it's enough... and we're going on 15 years!

    Happy Hunting !
     
  8. ClosetDom

    ClosetDom New Member

    @sebastian

    So far I've got my hands on the New Topping Book and Different Loving... Have also read most of the BDSM FAQ and must say your efforts there have been gargantuan - THANKS SO MUCH! - you could piece it together and publish it as a small introductory book if you wanted to...really highly valuable stuff you put together! I've also come across a tremendous amount of texts available on the web for download from a Domme's perspective. Do you think it valuable to use some of that stuff (from a female dominant's perspective) in the context of a male dominant dealing with his female subs?
    Don't have any specific questions at this time, just wanted to read a good book specific to the psychology of the interaction between male Doms and female subs...what telltale signs to look for, how to approach, talk, establish rapport, ask questions, etc.

    @SFbound4fun

    That's a good strategy you are suggesting :) Communication is key, always!
    I have appreciated your input.
     
  9. Kor

    Kor Member

    Once you go past "let's get kinky" and into domination, gender isn't really part of it.

    The psychology of BDSM stays the same for straight, gay, domme, whatever.

    That's a very common mindset. There's nothing wrong with it by itself, but it's something you have to be careful with. The main problem with a misbehavior/punishment cycle is that you have to have a way to handle behavior problems that aren't part of the BSDM dynamic. This also puts the sub in the position of calling the shots; they want attention, they do something to force the dom to give them what they want. These are big deals for some people, nonissues for others.

    I'm primarily a sadist. It took me a long time to simply say "I'm going to hurt you, and it is going to please me very much."

    At an appropriate moment, you tell her you like her a lot, but you like to play rough, and she might not like it if you went further.

    She'll either be repelled or interested. It's the same old dating game, just with an extra step.

    If she wants to play BDSM, it's up to you to tell her what you want her to do.
     
  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    On a basic level, I think you're right, but I suspect that there are differences between male subs and female subs. Classically, many male subs crave humiliation, while fewer female subs get into that. I think it has to do with the fact that men are still in control of society, while women are often on the lower rung. There's no pleasure in being humiliated and aggressively disempowered if that's where you stay most of the time. So for men, there's a more dramatic drop in status during humiliation. At least, that's my theory. I think objectification is probably more intense for male subs than fem subs for the same reason.
     
  11. ClosetDom

    ClosetDom New Member

    That's what I instinctively assumed. So it's nice to have someone confirm that assumption. If you don't mind my asking of course, from what perspective are you making this assessment? Is it based on your personal experience and how extensive is that? Also is your experience with female or male subs, straight or gay?

    I understand how it could be a problem to base an ongoing relationship on that particular mindset. I would be much turned off by a situation of topping from the bottom, as you describe, on the part of my sub. I like to be the one who is in control. I was referring, however, to the initial stage of the relationship.... finding it easier to initiate a D/s relationship based on that sort of dynamics. Once the pattern between me and the sub is established, it would be much less relevant in the context of an ongoing exchange. You could possibly say that being new to all this I'm a little "shy" to initiate the exchange and that dynamics would work for me as an ice breaker in the initial stage or a relationship to get it going at first.

    I'm partly sadistic, but mainly in it for the control part. Personally, it is the act of submission on the sub's part that does it for me... pain then has its place in that context, as a function of that need, but not for its own sake, mostly.

    Sounds like good advice..........many thanks.
    Now, to what degree do you find it constructive to compromise in order to get both your needs and your sub's fulfilled, when they do not overlap perfectly? I know it's an open ended sort of question.........
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2011
  12. ClosetDom

    ClosetDom New Member

    It would be very interesting to hear from female subs how they feel about the issue of humiliation and what rocks their boats...how specifically they derive their pleasure in the context of a D/s relationship (is it the humiliation, the pain, the dynamics of misbehavior/punishment ..... a combination thereof? What?)
     
  13. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I like pleasing my Master. I like feeling like have done well. But at the same time, would add in that I enjoy the pain, for sure, and the control, and the carrot and stick aspect to make me behave.
     
  14. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    My Thoughts

    I would say that Sebastian is probably right in that us ladies are less likely to like humiliation - definately less than the lovely ladies of the porn world seem to anyway ;)

    Personally, I don't like it (humiliation), I think it can be a fine line to tread and it can mess with your head more than straight-forward pain/bondage scenarios. For me, as a straight woman, I like the control aspect, of knowing that someone is bigger/stronger than me and when I'm bound I'm at his mercy. The fact that once your tied up they can pretty much do what they want. There is definately that element that I have to be so controlled in my day-to-day life and make all major decisions etc that it's nice to have someone take the reins in the bedroom. I think most women, even the vanilla ones, have a like of poweful men who will just 'take them' even if they don't admit to it - we like a bit of cave man attitude :)

    I am totally less submissive out of the bedroom but even in a sexual context I am never 100% passive, I do have a 'make me' attitude , I like to make a Dom work for my submission. Pain is part of it but I've been with a twisted Dom who liked to hurt for hurt's sake and it wasn't about me at all and that was no fun, the pain definately has to have a purpose and there has to be a pleasure element or there is no reward for me. I know some people like to be hurt and that in itself is their turn on but I'm just not that way.

    I think it's definately a case of trial and error, even as a Sub you might think you like something and then hate it when it happens or vice versa.
     
  15. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    I think all reading this agree you're just fine, you just haven't found your sub yet.
    Simply put you want a fiesty sub, so try asking for one in personals? :)

    I have to admit, I am not big on the pain aspect, I have a low tolerance for it to begin with.
    The only pain I don't mind it vaginal, turns me on. But Bitting, clamps and such, yeah not terribly appealing to me. It's one of the reasons you'll often see me claim to not be a "true sub" and more of a bottom.

    As for humiliation, it really depends for me personally. Name calling, taught phrases, sharing me, all acceptable. It's a reminder of my place, under him, a turn on, as mentioned I agree we like a bit of cave man in our men. When it comes to other aspects of my life, I certainly have my own opinion and take no shit but in the bedroom, I want a MAN. It's also a sign of control and respect, for me personally, if I am playing with you, then you have some respect to begin with, it's a way of me giving it back. It's also a kinky factor, it's the sheer naughtiness of it...there's a subject in smplace rules that is mentioned as a "no-no", would I do it for real? HELL NO, but it being suggested, the sheer DIRTINESS, excuse me a moment, got wet..



    Ok all dry...
    Public things, not so much, for one I am in a very small town of 2k? We have a few comodities (sp?) here: Elderly people, deer and gossip. It's not a place where you want a reputation, it can lead very easily to not having a job, friends or infact being welcomed into a store.

    Also I just broke up with a bf who has lied and fucked me over for 5 months playing me for a fool, that's kinda enough humilation for me at the moment. I guess you could say I don't like my humilation extreme. Sorry bitter moment just jumped RIGHT in without warning...like trees when you drive...so rude.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2011
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