As a Dom, am I wired alright?

ClosetDom · Jun 2, 2011

My nature is that of a Dom, that's the way I was born and have always felt. I always repressed it, though, choked it deep inside myself until recently, because I was so convinced this was something to be really ashamed about that made me some sort of a monster. Reading forums such as this one, I've now come to the realization that embracing this nature of mine is an alright thing to do. What I've done so far is just light stuff with bdsm overtones in the context of vanilla relationships, but doing it that way has only served to sharpen my appetite for the real thing.
Now, here's the problem. The women I come across with that I sense to be submissives...once they sense my dominating nature, they become passive and very nice to me. They do nothing...just become nice and docile and passive and behave in such a way as to be liked. Something perhaps is wrong with the way I'm wired psychologically (as a dom), or perhaps it might simply be lack of experience with submissives at heart, but I find that that type of behavior on their part much turns me off as a dominant... The niceness I mean... I'd rather be turned on by someone who misbehaves, who upsets me a bit, in such a way as to justify my retaliation...their being punished...
Am I alone in this kind of psychological makeup, and what to do about it? Your feedback will be much appreciated.

sebastian · Jun 2, 2011

Different doms and subs have different views on submission. Some like the sub to be very passive all the way through, some like the sub to struggle after the struggle is hopeless (I fall into that category), some like the sub to be naughty/feisty but ultimately submit, and some like the sub to only submit if the dom can force the sub to do so. It's really a matter of personal taste and communication--it can get very frustrating if the dom wants a struggle and the sub wants to be passive (or vice versa). My advice is to do some talking with your prospective subs.

And it sounds mostly like you've been hoping to run across a sub while dating vanilla women. That's a reasonable approach, but it means that you're going to be very hit or miss, and you're going to be doing a lot of training of new subs. I'd suggest supplementing that approach with some efforts to find more experienced sub women. Try kinky dating sites like Collarme or Fetlife. See if you can find your local munch and start attending meetings. These are places where you're likely to find women who pre-identify as submissive, and who are therefore more likely to understand what you're looking for.

Smallest · Jun 2, 2011

I'm like a sub version of this, sometimes. Most of the time I like to comply, but I also want Master to make me submit sometimes, and will fight back. So I'd assume you're okay.

Sebastian beat me to pretty much everything else, but I'm going to second that you look for an experienced sub woman, so you're not sorting this out with vanilla ladies or needing to have both of you experimenting.

sebastian · Jun 2, 2011

Also, do a lot of reading. As a novice dom, reading is absolutely the best thing you can do. The FAQ may be useful, but track down a couple of the books listed in the reading list there and read them. Dossie and Easton's New Topping Book is a good place to start, followed by SM 101 and The Loving Dominant. As the dom, you are responsible for understanding what you're trying to do and knowing enough to do it safely.

ClosetDom · Jun 2, 2011

Thanks for the excellent advice, both of you. I'll look into those books.
Talking of books/written materials...can you also suggest something specific that deals with the approach itself...dom to sub? I have spent years on perfecting my approach of vanilla women...but now it's like being totally inexperienced again when it comes to submissives. The type of material that explains in depth the psychology of the interaction, the seduction in the context of bdsm... Do you know of any such materials that you could suggest?

sebastian · Jun 2, 2011

All the books on the reading list touch on the issue in some way or another, but I haven't seen a good book that focuses on the psychology directly. The closest thing is Different Loving, which has good sections of most of the major fetishes and interviews with the people who get into them. The book is a very good window in what someone might enjoy about, for example, erotic wrestling or being pissed on.

Personally, I'm pretty good with psychology, so if you have a specific question I can take a stab at it.

SFbound4fun · Jun 3, 2011

Find a bratty sub. Be upfront and tell potential subs that you like subs that aren't always passive and nice all the time.

Be passive-aggressive about what you want if you find a sub that isn't bratty or isn't being bratty when you want them to be...

You "So what did you do wrong today?"
her "Uh nothing, Master"
You "Well then I guess I'll just have to punish you for not doing anything wrong, and I don't want to be a bad master so you better think of something you did wrong today and fast!"
I'd say most people would get the point by that time...

Final thought - if you connect with someone in a BDSM relationship you shouldn't throw in the towel right away just cause they are too nice or too passive... be honest and tell her what you want ... you'll have to go above and beyond when it comes to communication... even experienced players are able to change their stripes when it comes to Love.

Talk it all through with her ... maybe you'll find she can be "not passive" some of the time and it will be enough for you... I know thats how it is with my wife only it's her being dominant or vanilla ... she's not dom all the time but it's enough... and we're going on 15 years!

Happy Hunting !

ClosetDom · Jun 3, 2011

@sebastian

So far I've got my hands on the New Topping Book and Different Loving... Have also read most of the BDSM FAQ and must say your efforts there have been gargantuan - THANKS SO MUCH! - you could piece it together and publish it as a small introductory book if you wanted to...really highly valuable stuff you put together! I've also come across a tremendous amount of texts available on the web for download from a Domme's perspective. Do you think it valuable to use some of that stuff (from a female dominant's perspective) in the context of a male dominant dealing with his female subs?
Don't have any specific questions at this time, just wanted to read a good book specific to the psychology of the interaction between male Doms and female subs...what telltale signs to look for, how to approach, talk, establish rapport, ask questions, etc.

@SFbound4fun

That's a good strategy you are suggesting

Communication is key, always!
I have appreciated your input.

Kor · Jun 8, 2011

ClosetDom said:
tremendous amount of texts available on the web for download from a Domme's perspective.
...
psychology of the interaction between male Doms and female subs...

Once you go past "let's get kinky" and into domination, gender isn't really part of it.

The psychology of BDSM stays the same for straight, gay, domme, whatever.

I'd rather be turned on by someone who misbehaves, who upsets me a bit, in such a way as to justify my retaliation.

That's a very common mindset. There's nothing wrong with it by itself, but it's something you have to be careful with. The main problem with a misbehavior/punishment cycle is that you have to have a way to handle behavior problems that aren't part of the BSDM dynamic. This also puts the sub in the position of calling the shots; they want attention, they do something to force the dom to give them what they want. These are big deals for some people, nonissues for others.

I'm primarily a sadist. It took me a long time to simply say "I'm going to hurt you, and it is going to please me very much."

they sense my dominating nature, they become passive and very nice to me. They do nothing...just become nice and docile and passive

At an appropriate moment, you tell her you like her a lot, but you like to play rough, and she might not like it if you went further.

She'll either be repelled or interested. It's the same old dating game, just with an extra step.

If she wants to play BDSM, it's up to you to tell her what you want her to do.

sebastian · Jun 8, 2011

Kor said:
Once you go past "let's get kinky" and into domination, gender isn't really part of it.

The psychology of BDSM stays the same for straight, gay, domme, whatever.

On a basic level, I think you're right, but I suspect that there are differences between male subs and female subs. Classically, many male subs crave humiliation, while fewer female subs get into that. I think it has to do with the fact that men are still in control of society, while women are often on the lower rung. There's no pleasure in being humiliated and aggressively disempowered if that's where you stay most of the time. So for men, there's a more dramatic drop in status during humiliation. At least, that's my theory. I think objectification is probably more intense for male subs than fem subs for the same reason.

As a Dom, am I wired alright?

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