Sexually selfish?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by subarama30, May 29, 2012.

  1. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    I was thinking about the nature of being a sub and how in order to get my needs fulfilled I rely solely on the actions of my Dom.

    A good Dom has be to resourceful and creative to keep a sub on their toes and maintain dominance. They have to think about and respect limits and boundaries, think about physical and mental well being in a way I don't think comes into play in a vanilla relationship.

    I couldn't help but think that my role could be seen as the easier of the two.

    Would I be seen as sexually selfish? In that I am taking the passive role, not required to think but merely to respond. That I can be free to let go, to lose myself to my submission and pleasure but that my partner has to maintain control to ensure that he doesn't go too far and hurt me? That as the Dom, he is the one always having to hold back?
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Sub: This is part of the paradox of D/s play. Yes, I think being a sub is in some ways easier than being a dom. Being a dom requires mastery of various skills, on top of all the things you've indicated. So subs can be very selfish.

    It seems to me that subs and doms need to strive to be worthy of each other, to give more to the other than they receive back. Thus a sub's job is to push to meet all the dom's demands, master his protocols, go the extra mile, and so on. This shows the dom that the sub appreciates his efforts and values being his sub.
  3. Hello an interesting one this - I believe its very true and whats worse is I feel bad because I am new to it all (and indeed am trying to discover what it is i like about it all) whereas my sub has far more experience and so knows what he likes what turns him on etc and I am trying to play a ridiculously quick game of catch up coupled with self discovery - which am not really suceeding with. Because I am so new to anything sexual let alone anything else like D/s I almost need to go on a crash course or have a go at answering one of those 'Are you a Domme or sub type questionnaires where if you answer mostly a's you are this and if you mostly b's you are that - incidently if anyone has one
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Maria--go at your own rate. Your sub may be more experienced than you are, but you're in the driver's seat (and he's the car). After you play with him, ask him to tell you the one thing he liked best, the one thing he wanted more of, and the one thing you could have done differently or better. That way he's giving you feedback, but you're in control of what you do with that feedback.
  5. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    MistressMaria - I think maybe you really need to look at whether you are Dom at all. I mean, I have what people would say a dominant personality and most would think I am anything but submissive sexually. I used to think that I could definately be a Pro Domme, I could see the enjoyment of it and knew I could be capable of it. HOWEVER, I also knew that it would NOT be something that I could get into in the bedroom as I would not get anything out of it sexually myself. I would be doing it, going through the motions but not really behind my actions 100%, I would simply be playing a role. I would never get that high, that excitement or turn on from being Dom with a guy.
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  6. edjixxx

    edjixxx Member

    I don't think being a sub is selfish, neither being a Dom. I think the selfishness comes from only doing what one or the other wants, for their pleasure. I believe it's for the fulfillment of both sides, being in a D/s relationship. We've completely erased BDSM from our lives for right now, maybe for good. We can't get to a middle ground to where we both enjoy it. For me to keep it going, with my wife not enjoying it much, would be selfish.

    Yes, being a sub is easier for many than being a Dom, but it's still not easy. Letting go is very difficult, and doing that, while being that vulnerable, is tough. Being a Dom is just as hard, if not harder because you're in charge, and you're trying to keep your sub happy. I think it's very complex set of emotional and psychological connections that make the entire D/s relationship possible in the first place. It seems straight forward from the outside, but on the inside, it's anything but straight forward.
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Edji, I tend to think of domming as being selfish altruistically. As a dom, I am prioritizing my pleasure over the sub's pleasure, demanding that my needs be met. But I am doing it in a way that gives my sub the pleasure he is seeking. So my selfishness is paradoxically a form of giving. And subs are altruistic selfishly, using giving as a means of taking.

    I'm naturally a very giving, nurturing person. In my marriage, I devoted a great deal of energy to meeting my husband's needs. And, as it turned out, he was devoting his energies to meeting his needs, which meant that no one was meeting my needs. BDSM gives me permission to be selfish, to prioritize my needs, knowing that in doing so I'm still being nurturing and giving. So it helps me balance my giving instincts with some healthy self-tending.
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  8. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    Hm, I have never seen my husband as selfish. I do struggle with feeling like I do not pull enough of my own weight in our marriage, but he says I do way more then I realize. I do tend to feel selfish now and then but he does not agree with me on that.
  9. edjixxx

    edjixxx Member

    Sebastian, let me try to clarify my meaning. Selfish, according to carries a definition of "devoted to or caring only for ones self; Concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., with no regard for others. " That's the definition I'm working with talking about whether being a Dom or sub is being selfish.

    So, looking from an outside view standpoint, a Dom is very selfish, while the sub is all giving. From a sub standpoint, they are being selfish, because they are just listening, obeying, feeling. A Dom feels selfish because they're taking their pleasure from the sub. The list of ways is practically endless. But, looking at he dictionary definition of the word, neither side is really being selfish, so long as neither side is only doing it for themselves. For instance, You, as a Dom, during the course of BDSM, try something different, that you enjoy a LOT, yet your sub doesn't so much. So, you communicate, and feelings are known. Yet, knowing he doesn't like it at all, you still do it just because you like it. That's. Sort of what I mean by selfish. At the same time, don't confuse this with noat liking it during play, as a fulfillment, I'm speaking of genuine dislike for a particular activity, say, anal play (okay, probably a bad example.)

    Then there are those who enjoy that power exchange, and are pleased. But both sides are being nurtured in any case, thereby any act is not a 'selfish' act. Although one may say it is, for all intents and purposes, if either side would be extremely selfish, per my usage of it, the other side would most likely leave, citing how much of an asshole the other was. However, if both sides are selfish, then it may work as a short-term or sexual relationship.

    I think we all search for companionship,not someone who is selfish, to have a relationship with. Whether or not both sides will compromise to make the relationship work is up to the individuals. I think if any of us were in a relationship to where either we, or the other, was selfish,the relationship wouldn't have a very long emotional life. Because the one who is giving also needs to feel that their needs are being met, and a complete disregard for that, a genuine complete disregard, would shatter any relationship within a relatively short period of time.

    This is why I said that BDSM relationships are anything but straight forward. They're nothing as they visually depict, to me at least. The D/s relationship very well shows each other that they are complete equals. Anything other results in a problem. Equals relationship wise. But both choose to play the respective roles as D/s, effectively giving each other, each other. So, in a true D/s relationship, the way I look at it, it's about as selfless, although feeling selfish on both sides, and gratifying you can get.

    .........confuse you more yet?
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  10. edjixxx

    edjixxx Member

    Moonlight, you're fulfilling your husband's needs as he needs them fulfilled, and he is filling yours. It's easy to feel selfish about it, because it's getting your needs met, and it might not be something you're good at, but rather something he is good at, and vice versa. So, yes, you may feel selfish, and he probably does too at times, yet you're both still fulfilling each other, which, ultimately, makes it unselfish.
  11. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    edjixxx - He has actually told me that. Several times throughout our marriage he has told me he feels so selfish and wonders why I put up with a jerk like him... I get the confused what are you talking about look since I can't think of a time when I thought he was being a jerk.
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  12. MagisterFruiticitum

    MagisterFruiticitum New Member

    One thing as well is that there is a difference between feeling selfish and being selfish. A person can feel very selfish while actually not being selfish at all, and the other way around also.

    As far as what you describe, subarama, I would say you are not being selfish for being a sub. Of course, to know for sure you would have to examine your motives for what you do.
  13. edjixxx

    edjixxx Member

    Magister, true. The more I ponder it, the more it seems to me that selfishness is more of a character flaw, one which we are keenly aware of, and do our best to suppress it. I think one who is truly selfish wouldn't even know or care about the glaring trait.
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  14. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Interesting views everyone. Thanks...

    I think I was feeling that way because in the beginning of my current relationship I was very much the giver in everyday life and sexually. I put all my needs aside to please and ended up resenting my partner for a time. Over the years something shifted and he changed, don't know if he realised what an arse he had been but suddenly he was more open to what I wanted/needed.

    Anyway, it was a slow gradual process but fast forward to now and he is much more loving, caring and giving, wants to make me happy anyway he can, especially sexually. Which has weirdly made ME feel like I am expecting too much. Maybe I feel like I don't have a right to expect anything I want and that is my own issues I guess but now that he behaves more how I wish he had years ago I feel like I am not playing the right role in the relationship.

    Because I know he would never have got into anything remotely kinky without my influence I feel like I am being selfish for needing him to be something other than what he otherwise might have been. If that makes sense?

    Yes, I'm happy he changed but I dont want him to ever be feeling how I used to about our sex life, or me in general I think is what I'm getting at.
  15. edjixxx

    edjixxx Member

    Subarama, I think your feeling outside your comfort zone. When you were the giver, that's what you came to know as what is the norm for the relationship. As the scale weights, if you will, shifted, now your placed in a brand new, unexamined area of your life and relationship. This feels foreign, different, and scary, to an extent. Being placed outside what you have come to know as your role, now you have more of a say than you had before, which commands a certain amount of decision making.

    Decision, of Greek origin, literally means "to cut away" which means there's parts that you are now second guessing about decisions you've made. As communication is the only way we humans have of expression, I think it's very important to discuss your feelings, bluntly, with your husband. Listen to his answers, make sure he's being blunt with you, also. As it was put before, paradox is a main feature of BDSM. But, if you and him examine both sides, and both are happy, hell, go for it!

    I don't know if this means anything, but a friend that I dare to consider close, s a Socrates quote.... "a life unexamined isn't worth living" I don't know what that means to you, but felt I had to share for some reason.

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