How to be a good dom

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by volk, Jul 27, 2011.

  1. volk

    volk New Member

    I've been dating this woman for a couple of dates now and she is really turned on by me dominating her. She is very submissive and I get the feeling sometimes that she wants me to decide for her what she should be doing with her life. It's almost as though she wants me to incorporate her into my whole life so that she doesn't have to think at all..

    I want to not just dominate her in bed but I want to have complete submission from her regardless of what we are doing. The thing is, I've not been actively practicing Ds much but I know when I do strike right sometimes it feels like she is totally surrendering to me in every way.. I want her to surrender even deeper though! :)

    She likes hair pulling, bondage, me holding her arms behind her back and perhaps even more than that. Right now I'm going to meet her again in a few days and I really want to give her an experience of her lifetime where she gets to live her submissive nature out to the fullest.

    So! Any tips on how I can become better at dominating her?
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    She sounds like she falls on the slave end of the submissive spectrum. She and you may want 24/7 ultimately, but go slow at the start. The two of you need learn your roles and what works and what doesn't.

    When you do start exploring 24/7, remember that a dom can't be responsible for someone else's life if he can't be responsible for his own life. I've learned that every time I try to run away from my own issues, I wind up screwing up as a dom. So in my experience, owning a slave requires serious self-honesty and introspection (at least the way I do it).

    As a new dom, do a lot of reading. You need to learn technique, safety, tradition, and psychology.

    And talk to your sub/slave constantly. Once a week or so, have a conversation with her as an equal. Find out what she's thinking in a setting where she doesn't have to defer to you (my boy and I go out to eat when we have that talk), and ask her what she likes, what she wants to try, what she wants to change, and so on. Tell her what you're thinking and get her opinion. If she wants something you're not ready for, tell her why--explain your fears or hesitations to her. Make sure you have room to be vulnerable and human--you're not a dom 24/7 even if you're her owner 24/7.

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