How can I make my wife see me as her dom?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by vixnu, Aug 4, 2011.

  1. vixnu

    vixnu New Member

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    Hi guys, this is my first hour in the forum and I'm looking for some help regarding me and my wife.

    The thing is: we were high school sweethearts and we grew in terms of sexual experience, side by side. I always considered myself a little ahead of her, but I always gave her time to grow and feel comfortable with my body and, mainly, with her body and we grew in terms of sex at our own pace.

    One year ago I felt that she was ready for another jump in her sexual behaviour (for instance, after 17 years of sexual activity she started to do oral sex to me - I started to do toher in our 1st year of dating). Of course I was happy with that and felt that we were going somewhere in our sexual experience.

    Then, 10 months ago she came to me and said that she wanted to start a BDSM lifestyle. I felt very odd, I really didn't expected it from her and I can say that was a shock for me. But once again, I was prepared to grow and to learn about the lifestyle and from some web pages I found that the best way to start the lifestyle as a couple was to start with a little spanking, some soft bondage and so on.

    So we started with that and, once more, allowed ourselves grow. Simultaneously, my wife started to reach for erotic books in the subject of BDSM and started to chat and participate in forums where the subject was discussed, and I made the mistake of not keep in pace with her knowledge.

    Then, 2 weeks ago she told me that she felt like our relationship has finished and that she doesn't feels emotinaly attached to me to want me as her sexual partner, and so our marriage was finished.

    My first reaction was panic. I didn't expected it, and I thought "well, maybe she feels atracted with some other guy, and she doesn't want me anymore". But after talking to her (actually after this we started to comunicate better then before), she confessed me that she realised that I never can give her the lifestyle she wants because I'm almost in the same place as she if not behind. She told me that she needed someone that she feels comfortable enough to see him as her dom and give herself to him, and I could never be that guy because that guy has to be several steps ahead of her to allow her to give herself.

    So my question is: is there any hope? Can I do something to make her look to me as her dom, specially when we don't have a sexual relationship anymore?

    I love my wife and I feel I'm ready to take the steps to become a good dom (I haven't done yet because I didn't know this was that important to her). Do you have any suggestion of what to do next to become the dom I want to be?
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    I'm sorry to hear about your marital issues. BDSM can certainly help improve a marriage if it's what both partners want. But I think at the moment, BDSM is not likely to help your marriage. It's good that you've started communicating again; if you marriage can be salvaged, that's going to be crucial. But your wife has to want to salvage it. If she doesn't, no amount of trying to dom her is going to make any difference. It sounds to me like she's lost her attraction to you and is using BDSM as the excuse.

    Without knowing her, she actually sounds rather selfish to me. You were giving her oral sex for 17 years before she began reciprocating. Typically, submissive men and women are eager to perform oral sex because they want to please their partners. And instead of trying to please you now, she's insisting that you can't meet her needs. So I suspect that this is just an excuse.

    I think what you need to do is continue having honest talks with her. Find out if she's telling you the real reasons she's dissatisfied. If she is, then ask her if she would be willing to make the effort to work with you, to help you learn to be the dom she's looking for. I think you could remind her that after 17 years of unreciprocated oral sex, she owes it to you to try to make things work with you. And honestly, if she's not willing to make things work, I think you might be better off.

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