As a Dom, am I wired alright?

ClosetDom · Jun 13, 2011

Kor said:
Once you go past "let's get kinky" and into domination, gender isn't really part of it.
The psychology of BDSM stays the same for straight, gay, domme, whatever.

That's what I instinctively assumed. So it's nice to have someone confirm that assumption. If you don't mind my asking of course, from what perspective are you making this assessment? Is it based on your personal experience and how extensive is that? Also is your experience with female or male subs, straight or gay?

That's a very common mindset. There's nothing wrong with it by itself, but it's something you have to be careful with. The main problem with a misbehavior/punishment cycle is that you have to have a way to handle behavior problems that aren't part of the BSDM dynamic. This also puts the sub in the position of calling the shots; they want attention, they do something to force the dom to give them what they want. These are big deals for some people, nonissues for others.

I understand how it could be a problem to base an ongoing relationship on that particular mindset. I would be much turned off by a situation of topping from the bottom, as you describe, on the part of my sub. I like to be the one who is in control. I was referring, however, to the initial stage of the relationship.... finding it easier to initiate a D/s relationship based on that sort of dynamics. Once the pattern between me and the sub is established, it would be much less relevant in the context of an ongoing exchange. You could possibly say that being new to all this I'm a little "shy" to initiate the exchange and that dynamics would work for me as an ice breaker in the initial stage or a relationship to get it going at first.

I'm primarily a sadist. It took me a long time to simply say "I'm going to hurt you, and it is going to please me very much."

I'm partly sadistic, but mainly in it for the control part. Personally, it is the act of submission on the sub's part that does it for me... pain then has its place in that context, as a function of that need, but not for its own sake, mostly.

At an appropriate moment, you tell her you like her a lot, but you like to play rough, and she might not like it if you went further.

She'll either be repelled or interested. It's the same old dating game, just with an extra step.

If she wants to play BDSM, it's up to you to tell her what you want her to do.

Sounds like good advice..........many thanks.
Now, to what degree do you find it constructive to compromise in order to get both your needs and your sub's fulfilled, when they do not overlap perfectly? I know it's an open ended sort of question.........

ClosetDom · Jun 13, 2011

sebastian said:
On a basic level, I think you're right, but I suspect that there are differences between male subs and female subs. Classically, many male subs crave humiliation, while fewer female subs get into that. I think it has to do with the fact that men are still in control of society, while women are often on the lower rung. There's no pleasure in being humiliated and aggressively disempowered if that's where you stay most of the time. So for men, there's a more dramatic drop in status during humiliation. At least, that's my theory. I think objectification is probably more intense for male subs than fem subs for the same reason.

It would be very interesting to hear from female subs how they feel about the issue of humiliation and what rocks their boats...how specifically they derive their pleasure in the context of a D/s relationship (is it the humiliation, the pain, the dynamics of misbehavior/punishment ..... a combination thereof? What?)

Smallest · Jun 13, 2011

I like pleasing my Master. I like feeling like have done well. But at the same time, would add in that I enjoy the pain, for sure, and the control, and the carrot and stick aspect to make me behave.

subarama30 · Jun 17, 2011

My Thoughts

I would say that Sebastian is probably right in that us ladies are less likely to like humiliation - definately less than the lovely ladies of the porn world seem to anyway

Personally, I don't like it (humiliation), I think it can be a fine line to tread and it can mess with your head more than straight-forward pain/bondage scenarios. For me, as a straight woman, I like the control aspect, of knowing that someone is bigger/stronger than me and when I'm bound I'm at his mercy. The fact that once your tied up they can pretty much do what they want. There is definately that element that I have to be so controlled in my day-to-day life and make all major decisions etc that it's nice to have someone take the reins in the bedroom. I think most women, even the vanilla ones, have a like of poweful men who will just 'take them' even if they don't admit to it - we like a bit of cave man attitude

I am totally less submissive out of the bedroom but even in a sexual context I am never 100% passive, I do have a 'make me' attitude , I like to make a Dom work for my submission. Pain is part of it but I've been with a twisted Dom who liked to hurt for hurt's sake and it wasn't about me at all and that was no fun, the pain definately has to have a purpose and there has to be a pleasure element or there is no reward for me. I know some people like to be hurt and that in itself is their turn on but I'm just not that way.

I think it's definately a case of trial and error, even as a Sub you might think you like something and then hate it when it happens or vice versa.

kajmir · Jun 17, 2011

I think all reading this agree you're just fine, you just haven't found your sub yet.
Simply put you want a fiesty sub, so try asking for one in personals?

I have to admit, I am not big on the pain aspect, I have a low tolerance for it to begin with.
The only pain I don't mind it vaginal, turns me on. But Bitting, clamps and such, yeah not terribly appealing to me. It's one of the reasons you'll often see me claim to not be a "true sub" and more of a bottom.

As for humiliation, it really depends for me personally. Name calling, taught phrases, sharing me, all acceptable. It's a reminder of my place, under him, a turn on, as mentioned I agree we like a bit of cave man in our men. When it comes to other aspects of my life, I certainly have my own opinion and take no shit but in the bedroom, I want a MAN. It's also a sign of control and respect, for me personally, if I am playing with you, then you have some respect to begin with, it's a way of me giving it back. It's also a kinky factor, it's the sheer naughtiness of it...there's a subject in smplace rules that is mentioned as a "no-no", would I do it for real? HELL NO, but it being suggested, the sheer DIRTINESS, excuse me a moment, got wet..

Ok all dry...
Public things, not so much, for one I am in a very small town of 2k? We have a few comodities (sp?) here: Elderly people, deer and gossip. It's not a place where you want a reputation, it can lead very easily to not having a job, friends or infact being welcomed into a store.

Also I just broke up with a bf who has lied and fucked me over for 5 months playing me for a fool, that's kinda enough humilation for me at the moment. I guess you could say I don't like my humilation extreme. Sorry bitter moment just jumped RIGHT in without warning...like trees when you drive...so rude.

sebastian · Jun 17, 2011

Kaj, sorry to hear about your lying bf. You'll find someone better.

kajmir · Jun 17, 2011

No need, I found you...just well....... you're gay.

It really is true, the good ones are taken or gay.

ClosetDom · Jun 28, 2011

subarama30 said:
I would say that Sebastian is probably right in that us ladies are less likely to like humiliation - definately less than the lovely ladies of the porn world seem to anyway

Personally, I don't like it (humiliation), I think it can be a fine line to tread and it can mess with your head more than straight-forward pain/bondage scenarios. For me, as a straight woman, I like the control aspect, of knowing that someone is bigger/stronger than me and when I'm bound I'm at his mercy. The fact that once your tied up they can pretty much do what they want. There is definately that element that I have to be so controlled in my day-to-day life and make all major decisions etc that it's nice to have someone take the reins in the bedroom. I think most women, even the vanilla ones, have a like of poweful men who will just 'take them' even if they don't admit to it - we like a bit of cave man attitude

I am totally less submissive out of the bedroom but even in a sexual context I am never 100% passive, I do have a 'make me' attitude , I like to make a Dom work for my submission. Pain is part of it but I've been with a twisted Dom who liked to hurt for hurt's sake and it wasn't about me at all and that was no fun, the pain definately has to have a purpose and there has to be a pleasure element or there is no reward for me. I know some people like to be hurt and that in itself is their turn on but I'm just not that way.

I think it's definately a case of trial and error, even as a Sub you might think you like something and then hate it when it happens or vice versa.

I almost forgot about this thread...good thing that I went looking for it....
Thanks for your great input! I feel the same way about humiliation and am glad to see that feeling reflected in yours and other responses... Yep, I think that taken over a certain limit it can really mess with one's head.... The helpless female scenario with me in control of the situation is also what does it for me, mostly....I'm into the D/s aspect of it more than in anything else. I also find myself turned off by the idea of subs who crave being hurt (in extreme ways) for hurt's sake.

Really great input...thanks again, as your preference as discussed in your post is exactly what I am looking for in a sub.

ClosetDom · Jun 28, 2011

kajmir said:
I think all reading this agree you're just fine, you just haven't found your sub yet.
Simply put you want a fiesty sub, so try asking for one in personals?

I have to admit, I am not big on the pain aspect, I have a low tolerance for it to begin with.
The only pain I don't mind it vaginal, turns me on. But Bitting, clamps and such, yeah not terribly appealing to me. It's one of the reasons you'll often see me claim to not be a "true sub" and more of a bottom.

As for humiliation, it really depends for me personally. Name calling, taught phrases, sharing me, all acceptable. It's a reminder of my place, under him, a turn on, as mentioned I agree we like a bit of cave man in our men. When it comes to other aspects of my life, I certainly have my own opinion and take no shit but in the bedroom, I want a MAN. It's also a sign of control and respect, for me personally, if I am playing with you, then you have some respect to begin with, it's a way of me giving it back. It's also a kinky factor, it's the sheer naughtiness of it...there's a subject in smplace rules that is mentioned as a "no-no", would I do it for real? HELL NO, but it being suggested, the sheer DIRTINESS, excuse me a moment, got wet..

Ok all dry...
Public things, not so much, for one I am in a very small town of 2k? We have a few comodities (sp?) here: Elderly people, deer and gossip. It's not a place where you want a reputation, it can lead very easily to not having a job, friends or infact being welcomed into a store.

Also I just broke up with a bf who has lied and fucked me over for 5 months playing me for a fool, that's kinda enough humilation for me at the moment. I guess you could say I don't like my humilation extreme. Sorry bitter moment just jumped RIGHT in without warning...like trees when you drive...so rude.

Thanks much for your input as well... Yes, I agree, but not *too* feisty for me....just on the feisty side

About the "no-no subject" you are referring to (provided we are thinking about the same thing, which I think we are)..... I've been running across it quite a bit lately in discussions with subs...... it seems some of the doms are really turned on by having it performed in real life and demand it of their subs, while most of the subs, just like you, would only consider it as an erotic fantasy and nothing more..... Personally, for some reason, it does turn me on at a fantasy level....and not surprisingly so, being such a perceived tabu in our society..... I am just wondering how many subs would find something like that acceptable in real life situations....and how healthy (from a psychological perspective....and otherwise) would such activities be perceived to be by most bdsmers...... Just very curious about it, since it seems to be such a controversial yet "hot" issue..... I know we are not supposed to discuss it in an open forum.... Anyone wishing to provide me with some feedback on this in PM?

Public display doesn't do it for me either, mostly because I tend to be a very private type of guy....

Sorry to hear about your bf, kajmir.... There are very few things I hate in life....and among them, first and foremost, are deception, dishonesty and lies.

As a Dom, am I wired alright?

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