In a weird situation and need advice

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by CabsHere, Oct 29, 2012.

  1. CabsHere

    CabsHere New Member

    Hello everyone. This is my first post. I have read the FAQ and rules. After my last relationship ended, I began to look into starting a relationship as a Dom. My ex and I had dabbled in various aspects of BDSM such as Bondage, spanking, humiliation, etc. I loved every second of it, but it's not something we did very often. Going into my new relationship, I am being honest with myself about what I want.

    I met someone on that I met up with, and got to know a little bit. I slept with her the first night we met, because we had an amazing chemistry. Everything was awesome. She told me about another man that she had met before me, but she wasn't going to see him again. So far we have been seeing each other for a month. I have been trying to gauge what she wants, and been talking to her. My understanding was that she had little experience in this, and was looking to experiment. With that in mind I have been taking things slowly sexually, and trying to build trust. Everything we have done so far has been pretty vanilla. Just rough sex, some choking, light spanking, etc.

    Well, the other night she revealed to me, out of guilt, that she had met a Dom shortly before she met me. This person apparently has experience, and is older also. I am only 27, and the woman I am seeing is 42. She said that this didn't bother her, and I am really into it myself. Anyway, I was a little hurt that she hid it from me. Apparently when they meet, it's pretty intense. When I saw her she had some pretty heavy bruises, etc. She told me that she likes me way more than she realized she would. Her Dom asked her not to see me, but she told him that she would follow his rules, with me as an exception. He apparently has come to terms with this.

    She knows that I want to explore this type of relationship with her, but I don't know how I feel about it if she is seeing this other Dom. I am definitely inexperienced, but we have already built a really deep connection with each other, and I don't want to stop seeing her. I have no right to ask her to stop seeing him. I want to develop this relationship with her further in hopes of her eventually dropping the other guy, and being with me exclusively. I wan this to happen naturally, and by her own choice. I want her to submit to me fully, willingly.

    My ultimate question is how should I approach this situation? From what I understand, they have only met a few times. Am I out of my league here? She told me that he is older than her, and he has an almost fatherly role in their sessions. But it is obvious that she is more attached to me emotionally.

    I have no ego, but I know I could do this if she gives me the chance. Am I wrong for wanting to take her from him? I have concerns because I don't know who he is, and I want her to be safe. I guess I can be honest and say I'm also jealous. Any help would be appreciated, and just let me know if you need more info, or have any questions.

    TL;DR Met a woman, want to be her Dom, found out she met someone just before me that is a Dom. She told me she doesn't think she can stop seeing him because she "needs it". She told him she won't stop seeing me. How do I show her that I can give her everything she needs, and be her Dom without being demanding? Want this to happen naturally. Thanks!
  2. sweetling91

    sweetling91 Member

    Hi CabsHere,
    thats a really tough nut you have to crack. I don't have any experience with the BDSM relationships at all or any other sexual relationships for that matter. But I think that you should really try to talk to her and try to figure out what she really needs for a relationship to work. Does she:
    A: want an intense relationship with an experienced dom from the beginning, where the emotional connection will gradually build or
    B: does she want an emotionally stable relationship with you, where both of you can explore together step by step.

    But you have to do a little bit of thinking yourself. Like, are you prepared to fight for her no matter what happens? For instance can you imagine to let her go if she decides to explore the relationship with the other dom but still wants to see you? If your answers to these kinds of questions are positive, then I would definetely keep trying to win her over entirely. If your answers are negative, then I would let her go, because if you are this possessive and can't wait for her to make her final decision for you, then your relationship is destined to fail.

    And I don't think that you being inexperienced automatically means that you're out your leage. Many experineced doms can't fulfill the needs of a sub if they can't get into the subs mind and can't understand his or her needs. So you have an adventage already, because you have already build an emotional connection. Anyway, even experienced doms have to learn about the sub first in order to play savely. You always have to learn, so you can get better at what you are doing, because nothing stays the same for ever. Everyone changes.

    Anyways, you can't take her from the experienced dom, because she never did completely belong to him. If you think a little bit about your situation, then you can find that you already own her emotionally. Which is much harder to earn and keep then the responses to a sexual stimulation, in my opinion.

    I really hope this helps, although I don't really have a clue, except for the emotional part ^^
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Cabs: It sounds to me like you are letting your inexperience undermine your confidence. As I read your post, you and she seem to be clicking, and the only issue is that she is not yet willing to see you exclusively. That's pretty common in the early stages of a relationship. Would you be filling this anxious if this was a vanilla relationship? The complicating factor is that the other guy is an experienced dom, and so you're worrying that maybe you're inadequate, that you can't give her what this other guy can offer her. But clearly she's at least somewhat interested in you, because she's not willing to obey his command to not see you. That means that, regardless of how experienced he is, she thinks you can offer her something he can't.

    Remember that just because you're inexperienced doesn't mean that you might not be better at some things than he is. Without knowing more about you and him, I can only speculate, but perhaps she's attracted the idea of a young dom. Or maybe she thinks you look more like her image of a dom. Or maybe she doesn't want a daddy as much as she wants whatever type of dom you are. You're less experienced, but maybe you're more naturally sensitive to her needs, or maybe she wants a young passionate lover, or maybe she likes guys with your hair color. My point is don't assume that you have nothing to offer because you're new to this game.
  4. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I think everyone else makes good points. Also, have you considered making the 'other' dom your mentor? Perhaps you could learn more about both dominating and what you want from the relationship that way.
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I agree with Smallest's advice, although it sounds like he might be resistant to that. But as an inexperienced dom, it will help you enormously to find an experienced player who can help train you.
  6. darknova42

    darknova42 Member

    I don't have any practical experience as a dom but I agree with sebastian. It sounds like you're letting your inexperience eat away at your self confidence.

    I myself have self confidence issues, but for other reasons. You're probably thinking "How can I compete with him when he's better than me?", "Is it fair to her to expect monogamy when I can't give her everything she needs?".

    Neither matters. It sounds like its rather early in your relationship with her to be "going steady". I imagine you're still in the "dating phase" but are confusing things because instinct tells you that having fucked already means shes yours.

    My advice would be to stop thinking of it as a competition. It seems you're letting that get in the way of being the best dom you can be. If you don't at least try and do your best you'll be kicking yourself in the end.

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