Is it worth the effort to involve this man I'm interested in

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by lmfp2006, Dec 31, 2012.

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  1. lmfp2006

    lmfp2006 New Member

    I am still very young and discovering what I need in a relationship, and I've been finding that anything lately worth pursuing has begun with me being very interested in pleasing that person. Up until recently, there has not been an issue with bringing up me being a submissive, because I was already in the relationship, and there was a trust that was already established. Now I have been single for almost a year, just trying to learn more about the dominant/submissive relationship, and I feel confident that that is what I need.

    There is a man that I am currently interested in, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. It's a difficult situation because in everyday life he asks me to do things for him and I am there 100% completing every task he has thrown at me, because I want to make him happy. I don't need the dominance to be in the bedroom, because I can continue it this way and be fine, but I would very much like this to be an actual relationship of dominance/submission. I'm afraid that if I come right out and say it then I might scare him off, as I am not sure that he would be into that kind of relationship. I also don't know if it would be misleading to enter a regular relationship, but wanting more and hoping for it.

    Any advice? Sorry if it was a bit confusing, I guess clear writing comes from clear thinking and I'm not thinking clearly. :confused:
     
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  2. Welcome to the board.

    I may be on the wrong track here, but sometimes I think it's useful to imagine a conversation with him in which you would explain your feelings. By practicing what you'd say you can make sure you don't give him too much of a shock about how you feel.

    You don't describe what these little tasks are, but let me choose a "submissive behavior" that will lead you towards a more sexual relationship.

    If you begin sleeping with each other, it's very common for men to become aroused first thing in the morning. So, why not make sure you're awake a few minutes earlier than you need to be. You check if he's hard and, without him asking, you give him a blow job. As soon as he comes, you head off to the shower so that he does not feel obligated to return the favor.

    I'm pretty sure he'll be delighted...and after you've done this regularly for a week or two you have a perfect opportunity to tell him why you're doing it.

    Choose a non-threatening time. You could be eating, or just relaxing somewhere. One key point to what you say to him. Don't ask open-ended questions where he'll have to think about the answer. Ask questions that have an obvious answer - basically yes or no. That way you can explain things to him, and by ending each thing you say with a yes/no question you don't allow him a chance to drift off the topic.



    You: "Do you like it when I give you a blow job in the morning?"

    Him: "Like it? You bet!"

    You: "I love doing it for you...I know you're always hard at that time and I just feel like doing something to please you. I'm so glad you like it. Is it OK if I carry on doing it for you?"

    Him: "Baby it's more than all right! It's great that you like it so much, because I sometimes feel guilty that you never let me return the favor."

    You: "There's no need to feel guilty...I want it to be my gift to you. I know this sounds a little crazy, but it makes me feel like I'm serving you...like just for that few minutes I'm being your slave. I know it's just a fantasy I have...I hope me telling you this doesn't freak you out. Are you ready for dessert?"




    OK, so you've now established that you love giving him head in the morning, and that you feel like his slave when you do this. You've made it clear that it's a harmless fantasy, and that he doesn't need to feel guilty about you doing it. Then you change the subject before he feels that he has to share spontaneous feelings with you. Try not to put a man in that position. So many stand-up comedians have the same joke.

    "What's the stupidest question a woman can ever ask a man? What are you thinking about right now?"


    Because the most likely answers are probably not ones you want to hear:

    • Nothing (this can literally be true - men have the ability to think about "nothing", but they feel embarrassed when women catch them doing it).
    • Banging your best friend / sister / etc.
    • Sports stuff
    • What's for dinner?

    Even if he's thinking about you, it will probably be in a sexual context that he would feel embarrassed about sharing - like wondering how he can persuade you to wear a cheerleader outfit in the bedroom. So tell him what you want to tell him, don't make him think too much about his replies, and change the subject before he feels obligated to start "sharing feelings".

    If it looks like he does want to talk about this more deeply, give him some time to think about what he'll say. For example, the conversation might continue something like this...


    Him: "Well...I have fantasies too."

    You: "Oooh...that sounds interesting! Why don't I serve the dessert and we both think about a couple of things we fantasize about. Then we can write them down and share them one at a time!"



    Now he has time to get his thoughts in order. While he's thinking you can always toss in some hints. You can even "play dumb" so he doesn't feel that he's being put on the spot. Say to him:

    "Gosh, I'm thinking about a ton of really naughty stuff and it's getting all muddled up in my head. Shall we see what fantasies other people have? I bet I could Google it."


    Search for "top ten male fantasies" and let him check those out for ideas.

    Lean over his shoulder while he's reading and toss in some comments like:

    "Oh my God...I never let anyone do anal sex with me - ever!" Then kiss him on the cheek and whisper in his ear. "I'd do it for you, though...if that's what you want from me."


    For one of your fantasies you tell him you're going to give him a "golden ticket". That ticket allows him to anything he wants from you - no matter how naughty or perverse. He gets to treat you like his own personal sex slave. Anal sex...you tied up...you being spanked by him...you dressing up...him watching you masturbate...you with another girl. You want to make it possible for him to live out his fantasy, and you'll do anything to make it happen because you love pleasing him so much.



    I hope that helps.

    Cheers,
    Stanley
     
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Imfp: Have you read the Newcomer's FAQ yet? There's a post about kinkifying a Nice Vanilla Boyfriend, and in it I talk about some of the things I think sub women need to understand about NVBs. Reading the post might help you figure out a way to broach this topic with your NVB.

    Good relationships require good communication. This is absolutely true for successful BDSM relationships, but it's also true for most vanilla relationships as well. So since you're right at the start of this relationship, start building the foundation for good communication--it's harder to do this once the relationship is fully established, so start now. Tell him you want to be able to talk about sex freely, because you want to make sure you're both satisfied, so ask him what he likes and doesn't like, what he'd like to try or knows he doesn't want, and go from there.

    Emphasize that it's ok for him to be turned on by whatever turns him on; you're talking about fantasies in this conversation, not things he definitely wants to do. Most guys have lots of sexual fantasies (fucking two girls at once, unlimited blow jobs, and, as Stanley says, fucking your best friend) that they don't necessarily want to live out, and women tend to train men not to be honest sexually because they assume that if a guy admits he wants to screw her friend, that he'll definitely try to achieve that, so women tend to freak out when men admit fantasies like that. And the result is that the guy learns not to admit his real fantasies, because it'll freak out the gf. And that leads to poor communication between men and women. So when you get to this conversation, emphasize that you understand the difference between his fantasies and the things he really wants to do. Let him have whatever fantasies he has.

    Once you've given him permission to have his fantasies, tell him some of yours. Tell him about being tied up, or being spanked, or whatever else turns you on. And definitely tell him about having to give blow jobs on command. That's a fantasy that most guys will be interested in, and in my opinion, that's a gateway drug to dominance.
     
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