my new sub is married,

sebastian

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Alaskan, that's some pretty heavy stuff. I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of that. Many people who are into bdsm have experienced abuse, so you're not alone here in that (although I haven't experienced abuse). BDSM does frequently provide a mechanism for understanding and processing abusing experiences. It's not therapy, but it can help.

That said, I think you're in danger of trying to express your feelings about your past through BDSM. Domming, for example, should never be done out of anger, and subbing should never be done out of a sense that one is worthless and deserves abuse (although humiliation play is very hot when the sub is emotionally sturdy enough for it).

What I'm worried about is that you might begin to express your anger at your wife through your treatment of your sub, or something similar. BDSM can bring up very intense feelings and doms and subs can sometimes get lost in those feelings. During play, a sub can begin thinking that her dom is her abusive father or husband, for example. While this doesn't always happen, it can happen, particularly if dom or sub have emotional issues they have not consciously confronted.

So I'd suggest that you see a therapist to get some perspective on your childhood and the failure of your marriage. You clearly have a lot of anger and feelings of humiliation from your experiences, and therapy would help you make sense of them and perhaps get some closure on them. You don't need therapy for your interest in bdsm, just for making sure that you can express it in emotionally healthy ways. Also, once you have understanding of your deeper emotional issues, you can consciously explore them in your play sessions, in ways that can help you feel in control of those issues.
 
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I am going to say this in the simplest possible words: You need professional help. I am no professional psychologist, but I do have some experience in the field, with rape & violence victims in particular. There are so many red flags in your post that I don't even know where to start.

I am going to summarize the key elements here as I see them, but please keep in mind, I am not a professional. It is imperative that you take whatever I say in that light and make sure that you check back with a professional before taking it as true. What I write here is an analysis of what you said, but will be flawed by the censorship you may have imposed on yourself and my limited background knowledge of the actual events.

Your past is one of abuse and neglect and I cannot even begin to comprehend the scars it must have left you with, but do yourself a favor and place blame where it belongs and not where it suits you.

Your parents were not parents to you, but no amount of bad parenting can dictate your life forever. Your parents did not make you odd, queer or anti-social. Those were your reactions to the enviroment you lived in. However, you have left that enviroment and now it has become a choice to remain a victim or to become your own man and leave your past behind. I realize full well how difficult that is. It takes time, help and a lot of work but it is possible. It is also the only way to leave the vicious cycle of abuse you are still in.

I am not going to focus on details, but the common elements in your past as you describe it. First and foremost, your impression and understanding of sex is an unhealthy one. You were introduced to the concept at an age where you were unable to understand or relate to it. In key points in your life, sex has been intrinsicly linked to violence and disloged from love and care. You actively spend time to perpetuate the notion that sex and relationships are seperate entities.

Furthermore, you consider losing your family a flaw and a weakness. It is not. You were physically ill. Instead of supporting you, your wife abused your state to get your "consent" to fullfil her own desires. Once she realized she could not delude herself into having your consent any longer, she cheated openly and abused you emotionally and physically to keep you in submission. Eventually, she left you of her own free will. I am sure you made your own mistakes along the way, but you could not have kept her from leaving you.

Finally, you measure the world with a double standart. One for yourself and one for the rest. You even realize this yourself, but you do not go the whole nine yards. You hate your ex-wife for placing her own sexual desires before your feelings and family, but you do the same to your new pet and Baby. You told Baby that you would not stop having sex with other women, at the risk of losing her. You justify your actions towards your new pet by saying that "a slip of paper doesn't mean much to you". It used to matter greatly to you. Beyond that, a marriage is not a slip of paper. Its an emotional bond of trust and intimacy, a shared history and love. She may have placed an add, but it was your choice to respond to it. Once you found out she is married, you should have ended it. You did not, and now you have become what you blamed your ex-wife for. And even after realizing that, you feel justified in your actions because you were hurt before.

Let me put this as simple as possible: Two wrongs do not make a right. You were dealt many unfair and cruel blows in your life, but that does not give you the right to do the same. You wish to be a dominant and in control person. In order to be that, you need to stand on solid moral and ethical grounds. You need to be able to control yourself and refrain from doing wrong. Right now, you seem to confuse dominance with power over people and control with the ability to deal out abuse arbitarily.

I really cannot stress this enough, you need to find professional help. You are sabotaging yourself and your relationships and you will end up hurting yourself and others if you continue down that path. You need to sort out your moral compass and ensure yourself a stable and healthy enviroment. Stop what you are doing and find some help. You owe it to yourself.
 
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Alaskan

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The therapy I have received to this point has not helped. They wanted to drug me, or basically just wanted me to get over it. I do have anger. I do not let it control me like I used to. I guess I personally feel like I have come a long way, but when it all comes out, it is fairly obvious I have not.

That is depressing.

I was not looking for validation of my actions when I posted. I was curious about how truly messed up the situation really is.

And, it's obvious its beyond my capabilities at this point to be what I need to be to a sub, and baby as well.

That's a bit more depressing.

I do not consider myself a bad person. It stings to read the contempt against my actions. It's obviously something I must deal with. These things are not as trivial as I treat them.
 
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sebastian

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If the therapy you have received has not worked, look for a different therapist. Not every therapist can work with every patient. The last therapist I had was such a poor match for me that I eventually fired him. (Overall, I'd say that about 65% of the therapists I've worked with have been right for me.) So keep looking around for a therapist that you click with. I find that I need to talk out my problems--if I talk enough, I eventually figure out where the issue springs from, and that usually allows me to get a handle on it. Other people respond well to mediciation. Still others need practical strategies without lots of self-reflection and others need things like psychodrama. Eventually you will find a process that feels right to you.

What usually doesn't work is just ignoring the issue and hoping it will go away, or thinking you can just control your feelings. Feelings are like water; they will always find a way around any obstacles. So if you repress your anger to yourself, eventually it will start pouring out in some unexpected way (like when you're torturing a sub). That's why I'm concerned about you. BDSM goes to very dark places, and often a dom has a sub completely helpless. So if you lose control while playing with your sub, all kinds of disaster could ensue.

Another benefit to therapy is that you get a different perspective on an issue. I remember once that a therapist asked me to explain something I was afraid of. I spent about 10 minutes laying out my fear, at which point she asked me to explain it again. And again. She kept saying that she didn't understand what I was trying to say. And it gradually dawned on me that the issue really made no sense at all, but because I was inside the problem, I couldn't see it for the irrational thing it was. You've already gotten some of that on this thread--you wanted to know what it looked like to us, and you've discovered that it looks very different to people on the outside than it does to you. A therapist can give you that perspective in a much more skilled way than we can.

I don't think any of us are telling you to break things off with your pet. You may well need a sub to help anchor you as you go through the difficult process of really understand how your past has hurt you. But we're all agreed that playing with Baby is a bad idea. I suppose one alternative to breaking up with her is tell her that she needs to either stop playing with you or leave her husband (assuming that getting his permission isn't an option). But that raises its own challenges--if she leaves you for him, you're making a serious commitment to her. Overall, I think breaking up with her is your best choice.
 
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Sebastian is right, finding a therapist you can work with is a lot like finding love. You have to "click" with the person in order to be able to open up and get the help you need. You have realized that there is a problem and started to think about it by coming here. That is a very good first step and a brave one. For that, you have earned respect.

Sadly, there are a lot of professionals around who believe in chemicals over everything. To them, the human mind is little more than a machine that needs the right chemical composition to work properly. Like the engine of a car, they want to replace parts instead of finding the real problem. Sometimes that helps and some people respond well to that, but in my experience, most don't. And with a trauma as deep as yours, I doubt drugging you into oblivion will help. There are many schools of psychology. In your case, I would look for a therapist that is somewhat removed from the Freudian school and look into the Adler school. (A student of Freud who founded the so-called Individual Psychology School.) Unlike the Freudian school, that considers people to be essentially the same, that school recognizes that different people respond differently to certain events and triggers and thus need an individual approach. (Hence the name.)

Allow me to be honest with you. Many things you have done do trigger a certain resentment in me. In my mind, people are not simply good or bad but their actions speak for them. You have made mistakes and you have made bad choices, but you also seem to have realized that and wish to change. In my book, thats the first step to redemption and a damn hard one to take, so cudos to you.

You also seem to realize that there is a problem on a subconcious level. You resist Baby's attempts to sub to you likely because you know that you do not trust yourself with that kinda power. This would easily explain why you are looking for an outside sub without emotional involvement, because you do not feel as responsible towards her as you do towards Baby. This shows how much you care for Baby and that is a good thing.

BDSM really is a sideline in all this, a catalyst that has brought up the real issues. Sebastian is right in pointing out the potential dangers in a situation this charged, so I think it would be best if you stayed clear of BDSM until you feel confident that you can handle it. Being dominant and in control are aspects of BDSM, but by no means limited to it. What you truly need, in my opinion, is to get to a place where you can feel respect and confidence in yourself again.

My advice, find a therapist you can click with. Grab the yellow pages and look for people in your area and try them one by one. It may take a while, but it really is the only way to work through this.

In closing, allow me to tell you a little story that a friend once told me and has since helped me a lot in many things:

There once was a king, wealthy and powerful beyond measure. His life was one of dreams and fancies with no wish left unspoken or unfulfilled. One day, he grew bored of his existance and so he orders his first advisor to him. As the advisor walks up to his throne he speaks: "Advisor, I wish you to bring me a thing that makes me sad when I am happy and happy when I am sad." Confused but too afraid to deny his kings request the advisor salutes and begins to search for what his king requested.

The advisor travels far and wide for many years, but cannot find what his king has requested. Eventually, sad and affraid, he decides to admit defeat and returns to the capitol of the kingdom. On his way to the palace the sees a merchant dealing in all king of charms and trinkets and decides to make one last attempt before facing his king. So he walks up to the merchant and tells him: "Merchant, I seek a think that would make my king sad when he is happy and happy when he is sad." Without hesitation, the merchant smiles and produces a small box from under the counter while saying: "I have what you seek good man." Dumbstruck the advisor opens the box in joy, looks at the thing and immediately feels a sadness wash over him. He looks up at the merchant but he just gestures down at the box and so he looks at it again and without fail, the sadness passes and a smile comes to his lips. Overjoyed at this success, the advisor pays the merchants price and rushes towards the palace to find his king.

Again before the throne, the advisor proudly announces: "My King, I have found what you seek." and hands the box to the king. Overjoyed the king takes the box and opens it to reveal a simply golden ring inside. He takes it out and turns it slowly in his fingers and before long he feels the joy ebb away. He looks at his advisor who only smiles and bids the king to look at the ring again. And without fail, the sadness passes and his happyness returns. Satisfied with his advisor, he showers the man in gold and sends him home.

Ever since, when the King felt sad or happy and wished it to change, he glaced down at the golden ring on his finger, reading the words engraved there: "This too, shall pass."
 
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sebastian

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I've done a lot of reading about being dominant, and one of the common themes is the idea that you cannot truly control another person until you have mastered yourself. Dominance over another has to grow out having real dominance over yourself. I don't mean in the sense of controlling your emotions and never having an outburst. I mean feeling in charge of yourself, knowing what motivates you, what scares you, and what you truly want. It's the ability to really know why you choose to do certain things and not other things. It's having your shit together enough that you can help another person get his or her shit together as well, without being a hypocrite (telling someone else how to fix their world when your world is a mess). One book I read argued that a true dom is tidy and well-organized, because those are primary manifestations of self-control. I'm not sure I agree with that, but you get the point. How can you control someone else if you can't control yourself? The inability to control one's self is often a hallmark of bullies--they have not confronted and mastered their inner misery and simply seek to escape it by enacting it on someone else.

Obviously, that's a very high bar to set. I think the number of people who are truly 100% in control of themselves is very low. But it provides a guideline for self-examination for doms. To what extent can I demand of my slave what I have not demanded of myself? I demand absolute honesty of my slave because I demand it of myself. I demand to know what my slave is thinking and feeling because I demand those things of myself, and because I will typically tell people those things if they ask. I do not demand absolute consistency in following rules because I know that I'm not absolutely consistent (instead I try to shape rules that I know my slave is capable of obeying consistently). On the other hand, I use my slave for housework because I am not the tidiest person and that is a way that my slave can improve my world.

So regardless of whether you work with a therapist or not, you should reflect on these issues. To what extent have you truly mastered your own past? Have you stared into it and come to terms with the pain you experienced, and the ways that it truly shaped you as a person? Have you accepted responsibility for the mistakes you made and figured out why you made those mistakes? Have you acknowledged the pain you caused others and apologized to them for it? And have you also acknowledged all the things you did right, the joy and help you've offered to others? Are you at peace with the person you were at different times in your past, accepting all the good and the bad without excusing it away? These are huge questions, and no one ever truly answers them completely. But I think a successful dom tries to address these things in himself.

Several years ago, my husband of 8 years left me. It was a devastating experience; I came very close to committing suicide (if a good friend had not realized that something was wrong one day and came over to talk to me, I probably would not be here right now). I found a therapist, who turned out to be the best therapist I've ever had, and worked with him for a year. He wanted to put me on medication for my depression. But I refused. I told him that I felt that medication wasn't going to help me figure out what was wrong in my life, and it would dull the pain enough that I might lose the motivation I needed to confront myself. He agreed with my decision and although he occasionally offered to give me a prescription, he was willing to work within the limits I set rather than imposing his idea of what I needed onto me. Unfortunately, after about a year, some changes in the insurance situation forced me to stop seeing him, so I switched to a therapist he recommended. That second therapist was a disastrously poor match for me. He kept trying to force me to talk about things that I knew were unrelated to my issues and frequently avoided talking about the things I felt were central. So after about 12 sessions, I fired him.

I tell you that much detail because I think it demonstrates what a good patient-therapist relationship looks like. The therapist has to respect the patient's wishes, but the patient has to be clear about what he wants and why he wants it. Good therapists work with you; bad therapists work against you. (And in all fairness, the second therapist was not a bad therapist; he was just a bad therapist for me as a patient). So if you feel that medication will not help address your situation, explain to your therapist why you think it's not a good idea and tell them what you think might help. For me, insight-oriented therapy has always been effective--therapy that helps me delve into my feelings and gain understanding of why I think and feel certain things. But not everyone does well with that sort of therapy. Every patient has his or her own collection of needs. So keep looking until you find a therapist you can work with. They're out there.
 
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Alaskan

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This has been a very insightful conversation and I appreciate those who took the time to comment. I understand more now about what I am hoping to achieve.

I will seek professional help with my unresolved issues. I am not ready mentally to be the Dom I want to be, but I know I will get there. Baby wants me to be Dom with her, Perhaps some play in that direction with her will help me learn to go about all this a bit more cautiously.

Re reading the thread, I just want to make a thing or two more clear.

When I said ' if she decides to get stupid on me' I was referring to if she would ever cry rape, not as using it as some kind of blackmail to make her submit. I told pet in the beginning if she could not continue all she had to do was tell me to my face, and I would release her.

And again, she said her husband and her do their own thing, although I know he does not know about me.

I am concerned about the next Dom she seeks. I worry, he will not be as restrained as I know I can be. She is as damaged as I am, and for what it's worth, I do care about her well being. I have a hard time thinking poorly of what she is doing, she is only really desperately seeking an outlet she cannot have with her husband, and that is something I understand. Maybe it's wrong, but still, I have compassion for her situation.
 
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