New (hello!) with questions about age differences

Smallest · Jun 20, 2012

Maria, two things. Sebastian is right, it is incredibly difficult to get through text blocks like that.

The second is that although it's fine to share a short, related anecdote, if you are going to derail a thread to get your experience out there/ask for questions/etc, you should just start a new thread or restart your old one instead. You will get more attention that way, without bringing other people's questions offtopic.

I am sorry about the loss of your partnership, but it's been a learning experience, and now you know that no-commitment things may not be for you, on top of the physical and emotional things you've discovered.

Moonlight · Jun 20, 2012

Nohvi - yes it does seem rather common. I always thought it was the marriages like my old neighbors where we could hear them screaming at each other before the front door slammed and he squealed his tires down the street that ended with him finding another woman and leaving his wife. That one was not surprising at all, but the happy couple that splits out of the blue is what gets me.

Oh and we live in an itty bitty farming town. My best friend and I have taken to walking at about 11 at night so my husband can watch our daughter. She knows everyone around here and let me tell you what, I am shocked at the people sleeping around with each other. LOL She gave me a long list of this person was with this guy but then she cheated and went with him then he cheated etc. My lands does anyone keep their pants up in small towns??

sebastian · Jun 20, 2012

Moonlight: My ex came from a small town in northern WI. I never really just how morally bankrupt those communities were until I met him. Everyone in these little towns is married to someone else's ex-spouse, half of them are addicts of one sort or another, and the other half are getting killed by drunk drivers. Very ugly way to live.

MistressMaria86 · Jun 20, 2012

Apologies to everyone for length of post and hijacking. I didnt set out to do either. Appreciate all the advice and will take it on board. If I post again I will do so in paragraphs and post in a new thread. As I said i thought I was replying and then went off on one ....truly sorry

Moonlight · Jun 20, 2012

sebastian said:
Moonlight: My ex came from a small town in northern WI. I never really just how morally bankrupt those communities were until I met him. Everyone in these little towns is married to someone else's ex-spouse, half of them are addicts of one sort or another, and the other half are getting killed by drunk drivers. Very ugly way to live.

Yes this exactly. I told her my god are we the only ones in this town who are screwing around?

My best friends neighbors are breaking up, loudly and in public. She is cussing at him while he throws her stuff out on the lawn cussing back at her to go back to the other guy she is screwing. She keeps texting me about it. Only really sad thing is they have really small children who are watching.

Makes me so glad my husband and I never fight. We seem to be able to disagree without screaming and name calling.

sebastian · Jun 20, 2012

My ex's mom cheated on his dad while my ex was in high school. His dad dragged my ex to the motel his mom was at with the other guy, and forced my ex to watch the whole ugly confrontation. Don't ever let anyone claim that life in small town America is somehow more wholesome that life in the big city. From what I've seen, it's much worse.

Moonlight · Jun 20, 2012

Yes it is, while cities have area's of unsafe neighborhoods and seedy people, small towns seem to have them spread throughout the town.

We even got the teacher sleeping with her 16 year old student here, A sheriff that has been charged with sexual harassment seven times and found guilty everytime. Officers that pull teenagers over and offer no arrest or ticket if they put out or they take the pot and booze for their own party. No tickets or call to parents either. I asked my son and he confirmed the cops do that! My husband is very adamant that if I ever get pulled over to text or call and tell him exactly where I am and he will be on his way. I am never bothered though, everyone else complains about the local cops but they leave me alone. (knock on wood) Our county is always in the news and it is always a scandal.

I had always assumed this went on in a city, but the difference was people do not talk ( gossip) like they do in small towns so it is not as well known.

But the good outweighs the bad. Overall life here is calm and quiet. There are a ton of kids on this street, and I can let my daughter go and play knowing we live in a quiet little town. If we had moved to Springfield, Joplin or bowed to family pressure and moved to Chicago I do not think I would have let her run like I do here.

My husband was the manager of the local appliance/ furniture store before the economy imploded and they closed. Him and a friend also run the water dept for the town. So everyone knows him, but I am home most of the time and while I know a lot of faces I do not know everyone by name like he does.

I was getting ice cream with my kids and this guy walks up and asks how my hubby is doing and how his new job was going. He looks at my kids and knows their names, All the while I am thinking who are you and how do you know my name? LOL Then he stops and says your ---'s wife, right, well you better be since I see you with him all the time. I had to laugh and say yes I am his wife.

So I get home and tell my husband about it, he asks what he looks like. I told him dark hair and he drove a black mustang. He smiled and said yeah I know him, good guy, used to work for me. I laughed then added There is no way anyone could pull off a secret affair in this town. Everyone would know by sundown.

edjixxx · Jun 20, 2012

Original thread topic: I think age difference is something that may always bother you, considering your experience. It's something you should talk to him about, and he should be more sensitive about.

@sebastian: My opinion, big city/little town thing, is rural area population follow a very singular thought train, and people not like them are rejected. Also, the level of understanding is far less. I think because of more of a lack of diversity, where most rural areas have mostly family living around them. The big city, a little more diversity. I personally get along with people from cities better than rural areas. Although, I do carry few rural traits with me.

@moonlight: I congratulate you on having a relationship with no fighting. I must say, reading it brought on the feeling of that you never argue. While I don't agree with loud, boisterous arguing, fighting in public, or physical arguing, I believe arguing is very important to how we live. Sebastian has put many times the perfect compatability between 2 people is slim to non-existent. I come from the ideal of we have pasts that the other needs to know about. At either rate, argument is the result. Also, I believe if one person always gets what they want, and the other doesn't, then anger and resentment will ensue.

Where I differ is I believe in more constructive arguing, where both sides are more interested in learning each others feelings and thoughts, and working towards compromise. Where I think it goes wrong is where the emotions are triggered through words/events /actions, and one or both people become defensive, then nothing gets across. The usual result being "fighting," loud, physical, sometimes violent behavior that children see in their world is normal. I also think fighting is a subconscious way to get closer to your significant other if you feel they are pulling away.

Having come from a past where my children saw things they shouldn't have, which we've resolved, I tend to follow a different flow. I'll always regret what happened during that time. I'll never feel that what transpired then was justified or acceptable. What our children have seen, and went through is also very hard to accept what happened, but in a way, I feel that it's ultimately helped my children. They've seen, and still remember what happened, they've also witnessed that it wasn't right, and have witnessed the healing process that goes along with it. People are taken back when my children talk to them, because they display a deep thought train, and try to understand others.

Novhi: Age difference is something of a personal thing. If he truly loves you, he's not going to go anywhere, but he will need to know your fears and concerns so he can help you put those to rest. Ultimately, it's a choice of living afraid of the past repeating itself, or living knowing the past may repeat itself, but learning and moving on from it, probably won't.

Smallest · Jun 20, 2012

Moonlight said:
Officers that pull teenagers over and offer no arrest or ticket if they put out or they take the pot and booze for their own party. No tickets or call to parents either. I asked my son and he confirmed the cops do that!

Where I live, there's a rule that if cops confiscate and don't ticket, they have to dump it out, or put the weed down a storm drain, or whatever, so kids can't decide 'oh they're just stealing it.' Really, they're doing the kids a favour by not ticketing them or calling parents who will possibly react more than necessary- risk behaviour often stems from a bad home life.

I'm not saying that no cops do that, but most are just giving you a break. People- especially teenagers- act like cops aren't people, let alone people who have their own guidelines to follow. And no, there are no cops in my family.
Not to mention, there is no way they're having 'cop parties' where they get high off confiscated weed and drunk on the alcohol, especially regularly enough to use up everything they've confiscated. Even if a ton of cops were taking the things for themselves, parties would be way too easy/traceable to get caught fired for. They do have a reputation to maintain.

Man, I don't even have any cop friends and it pisses me off when I read things like that. Maybe because kids who party all the time then complain are annoying as anything.

More on the rural vs city vs whatever topic (sorry, that's offtopic too, but at least we're all in on it), I'm from a small town, and it seems like... none of those things. There's one sketchy trailer park in the rural area, but those also exist in towns and cities, and not many scary drug people or violent people or whatever. There aren't a ton of strange things, mostly very nice, quiet people, and smart besides. I grew up out in the backwoods, I only moved away a year ago, so I have some perspective on it. But I'm also from a pretty laid back place, and Canada vs US, and West Coast vs East, etc. I just mean to say it's a pretty big/inaccurate generalization.

All the way back on topic, I think Nohvi should talk to the boyfriend about all the insecurities, and if you haven't already, about your past experience, and so on. It's unlikely he'll be the same way, and he'll probably like knowing what's been up with you, what you've been worried about, etc. But perhaps you've alreay done that, in which case, yay

Moonlight · Jun 20, 2012

I never thought of that smallest. That very well could be what is going on. I never get pulled over much less have pot in my car. I have known quiet a few of the teenagers around here who have though. Seeing them hang their head saying they got busted and lost all the party supplies is rather comical. ( Yes I give a lecture about drugs and do not laugh in front of them)

edjixxx- Oh we disagree and I have times I am angry and he is angry with me, but we do not argue about it. Arguing as in yelling, name calling, throwing things then peeling out making the tires squeal all the way down the street.

I am glad you were able to get to a place where you and your children healed from your past. There are a lot of people who don't. That is a far more commendable accomplishment then keeping the house peaceful.

I agree with you on small minded small town people. Yes you must keep up appearances around here. I have my two closest friends that know about us and that is all. I never had any inclination to tell anyone anyways since what we do in private is no ones business but our own. When I hear someone gush on about 50 shades of grey I resist the urge to go" pffft my husband and I have done that for years." But the problem is, is once it is out there there is no taking it back.

New (hello!) with questions about age differences

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