Hi, newbie full of questions!

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by not so vanilla, Jul 31, 2012.

  1. not so vanilla

    not so vanilla New Member

    Hi, firstly thank you for all of the really useful info on this site, I've been lurking around for quite a while but have only just plucked up the courage to post!
    So basically I've been with my husband (and only sexual partner)for 16 yrs and married for 8yrs. We have young children and our relationship has been vanilla throughout.
    However I have recently realised that every fantasy I have ever had has been about being in a situation where someone else has been controlling me! When I think back now I can remember being about 12 and using clothes pegs/pins on myself amongst other things! I have only really now for some reason felt like I have finally realised that I feel a need for these kind of things.
    So I shared it with my husband in the hope he wouldn't freak out! And he was really understanding about it and said that being dominating in bed turns him on. (we have dabbled in a bit of tying up etc before).
    However I'm struggling on where to go next! We've tried some spanking since discussing it which we both enjoyed and I've read loads on here and am reading sm101 at the moment and am about to order The Story of O. However my husband is not a keen reader at all and tho he's started reading sm101 he's not very enthusiastic about reading it! Neither of us really have a clue on what we're doing, and I don't think he has much understanding of what its all about!
    I can't ever see him going anywhere near the local sm community and I'm quite shy so its not something I'd really enter either.
    I've not been able to find any info on starting BDSM in a relationship where both partners have been vanilla and neither of them know what they're doing!!
    At the moment he's seeing it as he gets to demand sex whenever he wants it and gets to throw me around a bit during it! Which I quite like rough sex sometimes but I just want more but don't feel like I should be the one who tells him how to do it. Maybe I'm wrong in that I don't know? I mean I've told him that id like to be submissive and him dominant and I've asked him to read the FAQs for newbies on here so he can get a feel for it but at the moment he's just reluctant to learn more about it despite saying he really wants to give it all a try.
    So I'll stop waffling now! Any advice greatly appreciated.
  2. Roland

    Roland Member

    My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married for 6 and have had a vanilla relationship up until very recently, so hopefully I can give you some insight. First of all, your husband needs to get over his aversion to reading because knowledge is power. It also seems like he is enjoying the sex whenever he wants it too much, without paying attention to your needs. This is completely understandable as males in our society are consistently denied sexual activity, even from spouses, many times because they are not properly dominating the woman they are with.

    If I want to get my wife hot, I just have to briefly exercise psychological control over her, which triggers animalistic responses within her to submit to sex from a dominant male. Your husband needs to use physical and psychological triggers to make your mind and body want that rough, kinky sex. He is being too lazy right now and needs to turn up the complexity or this will get boring really fast (which it sounds like it is already starting to get there for you).

    There is a lot more we can talk about. I'll be in the chatroom (just click the Chat(beta) link near the top left of the page or http://www.smplace.com/forum/misc.php?do=flashchat) at around 8:30AM EST. If you want to talk more, please join me there or reply here and let me know a better time for you. Take care and good luck.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Although this can be uncomfortable, sometimes a sub needs to take the lead with a new dom and help him connect with his dominance. Don't think of it as ordering him or being in charge; think of it as serving him by helping become the dom he has inside him.

    Starting with sex on demand is, I think, a good place to begin, because it connects to the most 'acceptable' form of domination and conditions him to being in charge sexually. He also likes throwing you around during sex, which is good. So think about what's the next obvious step--spanking, using clothespins, insulting you? And then discuss that with him as something that would turn you on. Remember that guys generally like feeling good at what they're doing, so when he adds a new trick, like calling you his dirty whore, play into it a bit; let him see how much that turns you on, because it will help him feel confident that he can use that trick well.

    Roland is right that your husband should do some reading. Understand basic safety and basic concepts of play is important for a dom, and being a dom does have obligations. Help him think of it as reaching his full potential and learning new ways to be a real man for you.

    Also, remember that you two have a lifetime to explore all this stuff. So don't hurry it. Let your husband take some time to find his 'domming legs'. Pushing him too hard will tend to undermine his confidence, and loss of confidence kills dominance fast.
  4. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    Yep I can second that. When my dear husband does something I like I let him see it. He does it again.:)
  5. MrWolfgang

    MrWolfgang Member

    Def agree with the reading part. It is extremly helpful. Knowlege is power....absolutly. That SM101 book is a fantastic start. Just got done with that one a few weeks ago myself. Very good insight there imo. I read that thing with a highlighter handy and that has helped me quite a bit.

    Maybe he doesent like the almost scientific approach to that book. Maybe pick him up some D/s themed erotica? Not....talking 50 shades. Lol. Maybe someone has some recomendations on that. Be worth a shot. Nothing in SM101 is going to give a fella a boner or get him excited but, erotica might. Just a thought. Its just the difference between feeling like your studying compaired to visualizing or fantisizing.
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Reading erotica is a good suggestion. One problem with erotica is that most of it is written from the sub's point of view. Off the top of my head, I can only think of one piece of gay erotica, a short story, that is entirely from the doom's point of view. Mr Benson, the classic gay BDSM novel, has a section at the end where Mr Benson tells you his side of his sub's experiences, but that's the only other example I can think of. Perhaps there is more straight erotica from the dom's POV. But this means that he'll have to learn by 'watching' the doom's actions rather than directly experiencing them.
  7. Roland

    Roland Member

    Although I agree, it probably wouldn't hurt for him to read some things from the sub's point of view so that he can better understand what his wife is feeling. Hard to know without more information.
  8. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Clearly, Sebby, that means you should write some erotica.
  9. MrWolfgang

    MrWolfgang Member

    Shit....yeah. Never even thought of that. You'd be correct. Come to think of it, I cant think of anything writen from the Doms point of veiw. Got me stumped.

    Ill go ahead and second the notion for Seb writing erotica. Ill volunteer to draw the pictures. :D
  10. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I think there's one called Master/slave that's half/half, but it's written in first person (or some other pet peeve of mine) so I haven't read it.
  11. impkitty

    impkitty New Member

    I've just beta'd a gorgeous short fic from the Dom's point of view, it's m/m but the principle is there - it's real person fan fiction, so that may squick you out. It hasn't been posted by the author yet but if anyone is interested and would like the link when it is then let me know. I also have a short fic of my own (again slash RPF) which is from both points of view. I'm not sure if RPF breaks any of the rules here (mods?) but if it doesn't and anyone wants the link then I can give it.
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Most of the erotica I've written (which is not much) has been from the sub's perspective, although I did write one vampire piece from the vamp's point of view.
  13. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Aw, I thought you'd be good at writing dominant. I'm good at writing submissive, so that's how my brain worked it out.
  14. savannah

    savannah New Member

    My husband has a similar problem. He's not big into reading either. So what I did was browse a shit ton of websites, and when I found snippets of information I thought would be informative, I copied and pasted it into a word document for him to read later. SHORT snippets of information, and I wouldn't leave more than two pages worth of material for him to read at a time. If I found an article I though was good, I left that up for him read. This made it easier, cause he didn't have to do the searching himself, and it was all up in short, easy-to-read segments. Occasionally I found a thread on a forum I thought was useful and brought that up as well. But only one thing at a time so it wasn't overwhelming.

    Now we havethe novel "screw the roses, send me the thorns". I pick out a paragraph or section and read it to him. He enjoys that. :)
  15. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Smallest, I can write dominant, but I think that authors tend to write from the sub side because it's inherently more dramatic--the sub lacks information, needs training, and so on. In contrast, a dom is supposed to know what's going on and have skills, so the dom doesn't have as many options for dramatic development.

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