New (hello!) with questions about age differences

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Nohvi, Jun 18, 2012.

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  1. Nohvi

    Nohvi New Member

    Hi everyone. Just joined today =)
    I've always loved everything about being submissive and I finally found a man who is dominant in all the ways I want him to be and I know we can take things even further (farther??). But the awkward part is that he is 8 years younger than me. He's 34 and I'm 42. I've always wanted an older man for many reasons but especially because it seems to fit the dominant role better if the dom is older. We've been together over a year and have amazing chemistry. I'm just so hung up on the age thing, especially as I'm getting older. Any thoughts, opinions, experiences would be greatly appreciated! Thank you =)
     
  2. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    No one else can tell you what is right for you. If the both of you are happy and it works well they good for you. Enjoy.
     
  3. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    That's not really a huge age difference, but it's definitely based on what's right for you, not what we think. Are there any actual problems with him, or can you just not get past him being younger?
     
  4. Nohvi

    Nohvi New Member

    I think I'm having a hard time getting past it because I feel like I'm always hearing about women getting left for someone younger. Hows he going to feel about me when I start to really look older? Younger women are going to seem even more attractive by comparison and I feel like he won't be able to resist. Its weird because I've never been insecure about anything before but aging is scaring the hell out of me! I know its a bit shallow but its how I feel =\
     
  5. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    This may seem like a shallow answer but if he walks out on you because of how you look years down the road then good riddance. I have been pregnant and few times and had surgery so I am not the tiny little thing I was when I met my husband. Still he says there are a lot of beautiful young women out there that are so self centered you cant see their beauty. No he is not saying I am no longer attractive to him but reassuring me when I look in the mirror and have stretch marks from multiple pregnancies and scars from major surgery that beauty and youth is not everything.
     
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Nohvi, it's a reasonable fear. What I mean by that is men do sometimes leave women for younger women. How common it actually is I don't know, but certainly one sees it in the media all the time. So what do you do about it?

    1) Accept that it's a genuine concern of yours and talk to him about it. Explain your fears and ask him what his thoughts are. Hopefully he'll listen respectfully, acknowledge your worries, and reassure you that he wouldn't do that. If he doesn't, then you need to think about what that might mean.
    2) If it seems realistic that he might eventually leave you, make contingency plans. Don't put yourself in a situation where his leaving would completely screw you over. In ages past, many 'abandoned women' had no job skills, no separate savings, etc. So don't quit your job to be with him. Make sure that you have a separate means of support. That doesn't mean don't commit to him; just don't become utterly dependent on him. Some subs give their dom complete control over the family finances, but that's probably not a good idea for you. And make sure that any assets you two acquire are jointly owned so that you have an equal claim on them.
    3) Work hard to keep your looks and develop your sexual skills. That sounds really sexist, but that's not how I mean it. One element of submissiveness can be the obligation to maintain a sexually attractive appearance for one's dom. So embrace that not as an obligation of being a woman, but as an obligation of being a sub. Turn this worry into a positive element of your submission, and find ways to have fun with it. At the moment, you feel sort of powerless, and that's part of why you're worried. So take control of the issue, find some power over it, and it will reduce your fear.
    4) Realize that he might leave you for reasons that have nothing to do with your age. At the moment, your logic is "if I were younger, he wouldn't leave me." But that's not true. Guys cheat on and leave women for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with age and looks. Consider Halle Berry--a truly gorgeous woman, and yet her husband cheated on her. Sandra Bullock, who is fairly attractive, had the same thing happen. My ex-husband left me because I wasn't fat enough for him--no joke. (Let me tell you, there's nothing in American culture to prepare you for getting dumped because you're not fat enough). People leave each other for all sorts of reasons. Now, saying this might make you more nervous, but that's not what I'm trying to do. My point is that you don't know what the future of your relationship will look like. He might leave you for a young woman. He might leave you for a man. He might stay deliriously happy with you until you die. He might get hit by a bus tomorrow. You might decide you don't want a dom and leave him. You might fall in love with an older man. The future is uncertain, but not simply because he's younger than you are. Accept that you can't control these things, and don't let that fact destroy your ability to commit yourself to a relationship that is working.
     
  7. Nohvi

    Nohvi New Member

    Thank you all so much for the logical answers! You've all made some excellent points and given me a lot to think about. I suppose the best thing to do for now is just go with the flow and see what happens. You never know...I could be the one to get hit by a bus tomorrow so in the meantime I'm just going to do what makes me happy =)
     
  8. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    Not fat enough? Wow, my husband is annoyed that I am loosing the baby weight and really mourning that my breasts are shrinking. I would hope he would never leave me over it though.
     
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Moon: Yeah, he decided after 8 years that he was really a chubby chaser. I was about 50 lbs overweight when he left me, but that apparently wasn't enough for him.
     
  10. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    Wow that is harsh. 8 years with someone, it would be less shocking and a bit less hurtful if it was months instead of years. That must have rocked your world. I have always heard the opposite. If not leaving then cheating with someone younger and or prettier. Although some girls around here I have to say and you treat your guy like shit then wonder why he cheats or kicks you out. But that is a totally different rabbit trail there.
     
  11. Nohvi

    Nohvi New Member

    So now I'm curious, Sebastian, did your ex husband end up with someone really overweight? Its always interesting to see the people our exes go for after we break up!
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2012
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    He left me for someone who was morbidly obese. He was with that guy for about a year. His current bf is less heavy, I think, but I'm not sure.
     
  13. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    Again I cant believe it took him 8 years to figure that out. My sister in law was with a girl for 3 years when she left her for another woman. She never seemed to get over that and as far as I know she never went beyond casual dating again. It does not really matter what reason they leave it still hurts like hell.
     
  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Moon: Yes, yes it does. It still hurts. Believe me, there are a lot of ways he screwed me over. Recently, it's been very hard not to be bitter. But there's no use crying over spilled milk.
     
  15. Nohvi

    Nohvi New Member

    You are both so right! I think the reason I'm so hesitant about any relationship is because 2 years ago my husband of 18 years left me for another woman, completely out of the blue! It hurt worse than I ever expected! There's no way I ever want to go thru that again!
     
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