New (hello!) with questions about age differences

Nohvi · Jun 19, 2012

So now I'm curious, Sebastian, did your ex husband end up with someone really overweight? Its always interesting to see the people our exes go for after we break up!

sebastian · Jun 19, 2012

He left me for someone who was morbidly obese. He was with that guy for about a year. His current bf is less heavy, I think, but I'm not sure.

Moonlight · Jun 19, 2012

Again I cant believe it took him 8 years to figure that out. My sister in law was with a girl for 3 years when she left her for another woman. She never seemed to get over that and as far as I know she never went beyond casual dating again. It does not really matter what reason they leave it still hurts like hell.

sebastian · Jun 19, 2012

Moon: Yes, yes it does. It still hurts. Believe me, there are a lot of ways he screwed me over. Recently, it's been very hard not to be bitter. But there's no use crying over spilled milk.

Nohvi · Jun 19, 2012

You are both so right! I think the reason I'm so hesitant about any relationship is because 2 years ago my husband of 18 years left me for another woman, completely out of the blue! It hurt worse than I ever expected! There's no way I ever want to go thru that again!

MistressMaria86 · Jun 19, 2012

Crumbs reading messages like that and knowing my current situation makes me think I was right all along - stay single and cut off from the world, ok so you dont experience the many wonderful things that go with a relationship but at least you dont get hurt.

As some on here might know - Sebastian particularly. I entered into an agreement of sorts with a guy. He offered to help me develop sexually and become more confident about letting someone else see my body whilst getting a little of what he wanted - encouraging me to be a dom, as he is a sub. I was happy to go along with this - in a funny way it suited me as I liked the idea we could go at my pace etc etc. We eventually did the 'full deed' as it were - I cant say whether I enjoyed it or not as I had to keep in my mind that he was not enjoying it as such, he was doing it to help me out and i had to try hard to keep my emotions separated from anything physical we were doing. I thought I was doing so although having not heard from him for about a week I was really starting to miss him ---I also should have known something was up.The other night I went round - he asked if he could go and pick up some food bits - using my car. I really wanted to see him so was pretty much going to say yes to whatever he asked. We did the shopping and went back to his. He had told me earlier in the day that he had a date lined up and although my blood ran cold at the thought I wanted to know the details (call me crazy). So he had met her online and was meeting her in a few days time. He said that if all went well he would invite her to the BBQ that he was thowing in July to which I am also invited. He therefore said that that night was probabaly going to be our last opportunity for 'fun/play' whatever you want to call it. I was therefore left in quite a position do I leave it knowing full well that this was going to hurt like hell if I did or did i go with it knowing that it was my last time to get close to him and deal with the hurt later - I opted for the latter even though it took me a long time to get going - in all honesty I just wanted to lie in his arms which I did for a while but eventually I ended up doing the whole hand/mouth thing and we had sex. It was probabaly not the smartest move on my part because hard as i tried I couldnt help but fall for the guy that had introduced me to the world of sex.Who had so gently and patiently in my opinion helped me to do what I never thought I would. Trouble was afterwards it felt like the end of the world and I ended up making constant digs about how this was the end and how I was never going to find someone - he ended up saying 'you have to stop this and dont turn me into a c*** by forcing you to hate me by saying something harsh'. He is right of course I knew the score but jeez even aside from the sex which actually I am not so fussed about, he's just a lovely guy - not someone i thought i would fall for in a million yrs but I did. Anyway along with him wanting to move on he reckons I need to - this is all well and good but deep down he knows i want to meet someone who can give me the romance and the courtship and all the other stuff that he doesnt feel for me and harsh as it is I need a little push and yes I guess he is right about that too. So he has therefore said that unless I go on two dates either with two different guys or two with the same guy I am not allowed to come to the bbq. Obviously he doesnt have to invite me the two things dont need to be linked but I think and I have to believe he is doing this for my benefit even though at the moment it feels like a real rejection. So I am currently on a dating site trying to chat to people and working against my natural inclinations to wait and get to know someone via the web instead by speaking on the phone and talking about meeting people far earlier than I would want to - why- because I want to see him again which is sooooo not the right thing and if I told him that he would be annoyed. Stupid thing is he has said we will still see each other, I can still txt him etc etc but I just get the feeling that this was goodbye - after all aside from this little joint interest we dont have that much in common - he is not working with us on our latest production -I act he does lighting, there is quite an age gap - he is younger by 7 yrs and he has been on a real mission lately to get himself in shape and I know that he will have plenty of interest from others and so why would he stay in contact - it was fun while it lasted but people move on. Ins some ways had we not started on my little journey we peobably would have been able to.
Mum reckons I need to cut my ties (no pun intended) completely with him as I she knows I am going to find it hard to just be friends (and especially to see him with someone else). Trouble is just in case it doesnt and he does actually stay in contact and remain true to his word I cant make that decision.

His date is tonight and I had arranged one for myself just so that I didnt have to think about him - yeah right he is on my mind constantly but I actually had to cancel because I stupidly forgot an appointment i have to attend - which actually might be a more successful distraction.

I'm really sorry for hijacking this message but I feel so alone in all this as my friends who also know him have no idea of this little journey I have been on and he didnt want anyone to know about it either.

I guess they say time is a great healer ....I sure hope so

Moonlight · Jun 19, 2012

Nohvi I am so sorry to hear that and I can understand your fear. Hell I remember on a parenting message board I was on there were 3 separate mothers who had their husbands empty the bank accounts and walk out on them and their children. Whats worse is they never saw it coming and at one time they would assure their wives that nothing would make them leave them or their kids. They did and were not even concerned that their kids were doing without since they took all the money with them. While my marriage is solid and no signs of problems it does make me pause now and then wondering what I would if he was suddenly not here. Of course walking out is not the only way to loose him so I guess it is not a bad thing to have some sort of what would I do if I was suddenly alone.

sebastian- I can only imagine how much it hurts. I watched my oldest son break up with the girl he was engaged to. He is not the type to cry over anything. Back when he lived at home the only clue he broke up with a girl was the phone rang off the hook and he was back to talking to one girl on the phone and texting 4 others. He would come home from football practice with huge black and blue bruises all over him from being tackled during practice and scrimmage. I would ask if he needed some motrin and he would smack the bruises saying naw they dont hurt or getting sick of someone running their mouth and going to pick a fight without fear. He is one tough kid and has almost no fear which terrifies me since he is a thrill seeker on top of having no fear. The night she left him he called me sobbing. I thought he was laughing at first and told him I was busy. It wasn't until he said he was hurting so bad and really needed me that I realized he was crying. He had never come to me like that before, he has always been tough and never cried over a girl. That was over a year ago and he says it still hurts. Maybe the pain is worse when they leave for someone else? His girlfriend left him for someone else as well. I can see my son is bitter over it now and then as well. To make it worse is she called me mad that he would not be her friend. I almost laughed and told her "you crushed his heart by cheating on him, then walked out and now you want him to be friends!?! Sorry dear but he can barely say your name with a civil tone much less be your friend." But again I am sorry you were hurt like that, and do try to not be bitter. It will only hurt you in the end and give him power over you.

Nohvi · Jun 19, 2012

Moonlight--im not surprised to hear what you described on that message board. And the scary thing is that maybe those men were like my husband and they never thought they would leave. But then they meet someone who turns their world around and off they go. Its sad but it happens all the time.

MistressMaria--i agree with your mom. You are better off to forget about that guy. There WILL be others, even though its hard to imagine while you are hurting!

subarama30 · Jun 19, 2012

I agree that age is not the factor, so many things can make men leave, or women for that matter. I don't think anything in this life is certain and I don't think that you can ever truly let your guard down in a relationship, even the happy ones. I think even the most stable relationships/marriages can be rocked and forced to break point but if you dwell on it, it will send you crazy.

I am the younger one in my relationship (20 yr gap) and my man was constantly worried that I would leave him for someone younger, closer to my own age but I was equally worried about him walking away because I knew he had left his previous partner after several years and a few kids so I figured he could do the same to me. He never cheated on her but leaving is leaving, and I was scared of being a single mum.

When we get hurt by someone in our past, we can make assumptions about people and expect the same thing to happen. My ex was an abusive ass so I figured my current man would be the same. I kept waiting for him to hurt me. It all shapes our outlook. For me, my parents had a volatile relationship in the early years of my life and though they are much more stable and 'normal' now I grew up seeing things and rationalised that love meant pain, it meant fighting and drama. To me, love wasn't real unless it hurt in some way so I couldn't understand a relationship that didn't have that. I almost caused drama with my man, I wanted that aggressive reaction to 'prove' that he cared about me.

Man, I sound messed up but I'm trying to make a point, don't know that I have lol

sebastian · Jun 20, 2012

Maria: I'm going to suggest that you do a better job paragraphing. Long blocks of text are really hard to read, so I sort of skimmed to the end. 4-6 sentences is a good rule for paragraphs.

I'm sorry that this guy ended it. My advice would be to focus on what you got from the relationship rather than what you lost. You said that you made a date for the same night so you wouldn't have to think about him on his date. From what you've said before, it doesn't sound like you could have made a date before this guy. So while you're struggling, remind yourself that this relationship accomplished some of the things you wanted it to. You're not a virgin, you have some experience with sex, you've discovered that you're dominant and you've learned a few things about using a sub, you've had dating experience. You know more about what you want romantically, what to do sexually, and how to get what you want. That's real progress for you. And your sub is right--don't force him to hate you. Right now, you're in a lot of pain and you want to hurt him for hurting you, but a few months or years down the road, things will be different. You won't be in so much pain, and you may enjoy being able to spend time with him as friends. Don't try to do that right now--give yourself time to grieve and heal.

New (hello!) with questions about age differences

Nohvi

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sebastian

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Moonlight

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sebastian

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Nohvi

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MistressMaria86

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Moonlight

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Nohvi

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subarama30

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sebastian

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