Need Help- PM Me?

JettOnly · Jan 20, 2012

Bunny, he dosent want to be in a BPD relationship, you are just trying to justify things to yourself
You are not in a place to be having a relationship, you will not help yourself using someone else to fill the gaps in your life
At the moment you have to fix yourself, become happy with yourself and strong and confident in being a single person
That is the only way you will be able to be a decent partner for somebody

Its hard to walk away - but you will be surprised how quickly you will find yourself ok being alone

Look at the number of times you have changed your mind on this thread alone - it is not fair to put another person tru this until YOU are more stable

Exploring2dark · Jan 20, 2012

JettOnly said:
Bunny, he dosent want to be in a BPD relationship, you are just trying to justify things to yourself
You are not in a place to be having a relationship, you will not help yourself using someone else to fill the gaps in your life
At the moment you have to fix yourself, become happy with yourself and strong and confident in being a single person
That is the only way you will be able to be a decent partner for somebody

Its hard to walk away - but you will be surprised how quickly you will find yourself ok being alone

Look at the number of times you have changed your mind on this thread alone - it is not fair to put another person tru this until YOU are more stable

Exactly!

Foreverbunny91 · Jan 20, 2012

Self justification? I don't understand this. I said I had a problem. There were multiple solutions- and I knew about them all. I made the choice that was the "easy way out" of solving them, and I hurt someone and did this to myself. What justification is going on there? I think I have every right to talk about the reasons without everyone assuming I think those reasons made anything OK.

And my point was that this isn't a healthy relationship and the fact that we both need to be needed is a reason for ending it- not staying in it. There are a lot of reasons to stay, but there are some big reasons to leave.

I guess I'm not ending it until he makes a decision- I think me ending it now is basically just me wanting the control again. I AM going to work on myself with or without him. If that's not enough, I am going to force myself to be okay with him leaving.

sebastian · Jan 20, 2012

rooluvr said:
If you think about it you will understand that the emptiness is far too great for another person to fill. One person's love will never be enough to fill that void. I believe the answer is to understand the emptiness and to address it. Maybe when you're ready you can take him back, but I think that by the time you are ready you will be a different person and want different things.

Recovery programs (like AA and NA) sometimes talk about the God-shaped hole inside the addict, the idea being that addictive behavior is an attempt to fill a hole that can only be filled by one's higher power. That higher power can be God in a traditional sense, or it can be a recovery process that teaches one to be more honest, more content, and so on.

Bunny, I think, as everyone else has been saying, that at the moment, your wisest choice is to be single, to focus on understanding your needs, and finding healthy ways to address your emotional issues. Being single can be deeply painful, especially if you're as other-focused as many subs are (and as I am). But one of the most important things I've learned in life is that some lessons can only be learned when you are unhappy. Learn find a basic level of contentment within yourself, so that when you are offering yourself to a partner, what you are offering is something whole and complete, and what you receive back from a healthy partner is also whole and complete. If you have only an incomplete self to offer to your partner, he will receive less than he gives to you, which is a fatal imbalance in a power exchange relationship. What dom and sub give to each other should be equal to what they receive back from the other.

Smallest · Jan 20, 2012

Foreverbunny91 said:
Self justification? I don't understand this. I said I had a problem. There were multiple solutions- and I knew about them all. I made the choice that was the "easy way out" of solving them, and I hurt someone and did this to myself. What justification is going on there? I think I have every right to talk about the reasons without everyone assuming I think those reasons made anything OK.

The reason I can see most people thinking that is you're sayng 'I'm cheating on him BUT I'm mentally ill so it's not my fault I just have to get past that first.'

I don't know about everyone else, but I have heard it so many times before, about drinking, or yelling at kids/spouse, or cheating. No one puts it in those words, but it's what everyone hears:
'I'm depressed, it's not my fault.' 'I have anxiety, it's not my fault.'
'I have BPD, it's not my fault'

Foreverbunny91 said:
I guess I'm not ending it until he makes a decision- I think me ending it now is basically just me wanting the control again. I AM going to work on myself with or without him. If that's not enough, I am going to force myself to be okay with him leaving.

Subs are allowed to end relationships, if that's what you mean by taking control. It's not healthy for either of you to be in this relationship (I'll just let you follow Sebastian and everyone else for the reasons for this). He needs to break up with you, because whether or not you realize it, you are using him- not just for sex, but to comfort you and so forth. You need to break up with him, because it would be much better for you to figure out how to solve your problems and everything else without trying to manage a relationship, especially this particularly unhealthy one.

You need to see a medical doctor (psychiatrist), not just a therapist who thinks you have BPD, get diagnosed, and let them find a way of treating you.

rooluvr · Jan 21, 2012

Sebastian: people who are diagnosed BPD usually report a feeling of emptiness or hollowness, a lack of self. The control thing is transferrence, apparently to get others to feel one's emotions because one is unable to feel those emotions onself. That's the mumbo jumbo anyway.

Smallest: I dunno. Psychitrists may be doctors but their primary focus is in prescribing medication, not overcoming the problem. The psychatrist I had dealings with was only interested in pushing the drug from the company he was in bed with, nothing more. I think one needs both a psychiatrist to prescribe pills and a psychologist to then help address the problem with either CBT or DBT.

I should add that my ex didn't persist with pills or therapy. One of the hardest things for me to do was to walk away, knowing that I was saving my own life and possibly his own. He recovered on his own, in his own way, and he's a better man for it.

Smallest · Jan 21, 2012

I've been to a few general and psych doctors, and they all take things over time, suggest counselling, etc, and go over benefis and problems with medication. It's not that black and white. And if the psychiatrist is like yours, obviously one should see a few before taking the prescription.

And if there's something that requires medication, then it requires medication. They're not just general 'happy pills,' most medication for things like this are made to fix chemical problems.

EDIT: To clarify further, I'm not saying she/you should just up and go on medication. I'm saying that it gets offered for a reason, and after testing and checking opinions with other doctors, there is a reason it is given. I agree with everyone else that medication doesn't fix anything, I've turned down medication that was up and handed to me before. But if it is offered, it is worth checking out. And doctors know a lot more about the medications they're handing out than the people on this forum do.
Counselling is important too, but she's already in counselling, and no doctor's going to tell her to stop.

TerribleT · Jan 21, 2012

A well balanced, well adjusted and well rounded individual is pretty rare AFAI'mConcerned.
Most people have a quirk or two.

There are meds, sure. I've had horrible second hand experiences with supposedly safe drugs which I didn't think were necessary in the first place.

I feel that drugs should be the very last resort.

Exploring2dark · Jan 21, 2012

Foreverbunny91 said:
Self justification? I don't understand this. I said I had a problem.

This is where there is great conflict in what you keep listing you want to do...

Foreverbunny91 said:
Not the advice I want to hear, but I have heard that BPD often damages relationships beyond repair... I have realized after thinking long and hard about our relationship and my possible diagnosis and doing some research- I think he WANTS to be in a BPD relationship. We almost need eachother to be needed. He has had some insecurity issues in the past, and my intense interest in him during "honeymoons" and immediate affection when he makes me feel good are things I think that make him feel better. Of course, me never being satisfied and blaming him and manipulating him probably harm him a lot, too.

Honestly, I want to quit hurting him. I love him. I don't want him to leave, and I want to be selfish, but I know deep down it's not the right thing to do. I think if I can progress enough in therapy to knock off my destructive and manipulative behaviors and he can COMMIT to not letting himself be manipulated or hurt anymore, this will totally work- that is, if he can ever get over what I did to hurt him and if he wants to stay. So there's a lot of factors. Some are completely under my control- many are not. Either way, I'm committing myself to getting better for myself and for my loved ones. I'm sick of hurting people and feeling I need control to be loved.

It's a lot of factors...

You keep bouncing back and forth, and quite erratically. I know this may have something to do with what ever disorder you may succumb to, but when in one resolution you declare to seek counseling and help and to get professional help in figuring out what is wrong with you, then in the next breath you are justifying your wants by "diagnosing" what you think he wants, when even you yourself have not come to terms with your own sense of self and direction.

I keep reading over your posts from the beginning to the end, and repeatedly. I see a lot of conflict within yourself over this whole ordeal, and further worse, within yourself about yourself. Jumping back and forth, and continuing to banter the issues at hand with others will not resolve your dilemma. You seek an answer that you will feel consoled with, not ones that conflict with what you feel you want.

You demonstrated some defensiveness when a few here have given you very forward answers. That act alone in itself says you really should discontinue discussing this matter here, and pursue it in a professional setting. You have sought out answers and succeeded in finding them, but no matter how many times you ask the same question (in a sense), answers will not really change.

Stick with what you started out with, to seek the help you need, rebuild yourself after repair, and then tackle the next move.

Need Help- PM Me?

JettOnly

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sebastian

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rooluvr

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TerribleT

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