Sebastian, I agree. I don't plan on exploring BDSM anymore, and even sex is the last thing on my mind... I remember playing with E gave me a sense of worthiness and acceptance, but I don't think that feeling would last past the play session with another Dom, if those feelings came at all. And I also realize now that I shouldn't be looking for those feelings in BDSM or sex. I should have had self-worth to begin with and I should feel accepted in any good relationship. I should be able to hang out with my best friend and feel accepted. But I don't, so I need to get that fixed.
I sent the email to E asking for 1-2 mos of space to work on myself. He replied, and what he said was neither comforting or hurtful... Well, it was a little comforting to the logical side of me and painful to the borderline side. (While I know he is a good person that wants the best for himself, us and even me it is hard to take even the most sincere and good-intentioned things for me- I keep on being pushed back to "If I was a good person that he loved, he'd never leave me!" which I know isn't true.)
I don't really have anywhere else to go to get advice except my 1x a week counseling appointments (which hopefully will change to 2x a week) and here... But ever since E has been pasting what I say on here to another forum, I don't feel safe. One member Googled the post and of course ended up right here. (Which is kind of hurting E's privacy, too, if they snoop around too long. Their opinions of my kink hurt pretty bad, so I hope they spare him.)
They've thus so far said this:
- He cannot trust that I've never done this before
- He cannot trust that I will never do this again
- Get checked for STDs
- I am not a sane person (which is true, but not the way they put it)
- Many Doms are psychos that would probably hurt me
- I could not have figured out I like what I do without someone else showing me or porn
- Most Doms are untrustworthy and are likely to hurt you
- Get out before hurts you again
- I'm blaming E for my infedelity
- I am some psycho sex addict
- You cannot trust anything I say
- Our friend, who was outraged by what they were saying and replied, is just me trying to defend myself
- I will do anything to get my "fix"
- A sane person does not find a Dom on Craigslist
- I would not have cheated if I really cared about the relationship
I tried talking about it and shifting their conversation to a more helpful area, but I ended up trying to defend myself- BAD IDEA!! So controlling this is not going to work for me. And it sucks that I know that someone is probably going to read this, so now I feel the need to defend myself more. So I keep backspacing what I'm typing to make sure I'm not defending myself, because I quit posting in that forum for a reason... Hearing people say I'm a bad person is scary, because I fear that I am. I need SOMEONE to protect me from that, so I end up protecting myself. Like one of them said- I was having a total fucking pity party. I want people to to say "Oh, sweetheart, it's alright. You're not a bad person." My counselor told me to knock that shit off, and she's right.
So I've just been reading what they say and what E says back. He doesn't get angry and say "Yeah, she's a bitch. I should dump her," but he says what he feels and what is true. It's almost therapeutic, because before I was never able to just stand by and let others tell my significant other to break up with me or talk poorly of me with him. Just the thought of it would make me go nuts. Now, here I am- sitting by and just listening while others affect his decision to stay with me, and it's a REAL threat that he is going to leave. Yes, I want to call him up right now and tell him all the reasons he shouldn't leave and how untrue everything they say is, but I'm not. I'm just letting whatever happens happen. And it's REALLY hard and painful, but it's also relieving. I don't need to panic and find away to stop it or control it or prevent the hurt- I can just sit here and hurt and not know what's going to happen.
Last night, something weird happened. I was thinking about how maybe to deal with this. I at first thought:
Be optimistic! You are working on yourself, he doesn't hate you, he's just hurt- you totally have a chance! Just take comfort in the years that you've shared and write in your book. This is a new beginning- if he decides to stay, you will be able to cuddle again, go do all of the things you've wanted to do with a new appreciation you have now for the relationship!
But even he said prepare for the worst, and so did my counselor and everyone else. It's true... I should prepare for the worst. So then I thought:
Okay, so he might break up with you. You're going to be okay with that. Yes, you love him and a huge chunk of your life will be missing for a while, but it's just a new chapter. And you will have the opportunity to fill that hole with anything you want. Single life? Maybe dating again? Mature dating is an experience you've never had... Of course, there's a whole other set of mental health issues that will come with dates coming and going and not being attached to one person, but that'ts what counseling is for! Plus, you have lost 10lbs in this whole process! It's OK if he leaves. You won't die, and in the future something good might replace what you've lost. You have so far found 2 good men that you can get close to without being hurt. The first wasn't a good match and this one you hurt too bad to fix the relationship. There will be more.
Then I thought that preparing for the worst by thinking about how my life might be good again without him isn't the best thing to do, either. First of all, I don't need to think about getting a new boyfriend, because knowing me I will jump the gun just in order to ease my pain. This is space not a break, and I don't want what happened last time to happen again. (I started getting close to E when my ex was breaking up with me- it was supposed to be temporary, but he ended up being good for me.) And I DO want to be with E more than find another person to be with.
So I just realized that there is no good way to prepare for this, other than to make the commitment to leave with dignity like Jett and many others said and like E requested. And that hurts. But the only way to get through this- whether it ends with E or without, is to just let it hurt. So then, broken and unable to sleep, I went to bed thinking about ways to ease the pain just a little so i could sleep at night and keep up with school/work and not fall behind.
I thought about things that would comfort me. I've been writing in this book I got called "What I Love About You." I saw it at Barnes and Noble before our 2nd anniversary and wanted to buy it but they were gone before I could. I found it and bought it before I told him the last detail that sent him over the edge... It was comforting before I forced myself to realize that although I might be able to make this work out, there's a good change he is going to be too hurt to want to make it work with me. So I'm still writing in it, but I need a new comfort.
I went to bed, snuggled with a bear he won for me and a blanket that reminds me of him (this isn't new- I usually sleep like this), and I remembered that a few nights ago he spent the night to talk. I was crying and he ended up asking me if I wanted to sleep on his chest. OH MY GOD THE BEST COMFORT I THINK I'VE FELT IN MY LIFE!! Now of course I won't have that and I might never be able to do it again... Which yields to yet more hurt and tears and so forth. I realized that physical comfort at night is one of the only ways I can sleep okay.
So, I brainstormed. First thought was that I know how NOT to get it- via male friends, because then that's a whole cornacopea of crap I don't need obviously. I'm too old to cuddle with my mom, and I think she's too old, too. Friends is just weird. My cat isn't very cuddly. Almost thought about trying to find someone that would borrow me their horse to cuddle with, but I can't sleep in a stall in the middle of winter, so that would not help me sleep.
But then I started talking to myself, and IDK how to explain it, but I realized that myself is there to talk to! I can also cuddle with myself and tell myself it's going to be okay and that I love myself. I had a weird experience like this after I had gotten out of being so depressed I was going to kill myself when I was 15. I wanted nothing but to love myself and be there for myself and take care of myself and keep myself OK. Being with E felt a lot like being with myself- I can talk to him about anything, I can trust him, I have no shame around him, I know he won't hurt me, I know he wants the best for me, etc. So I guess loving myself is a lot like loving him. And so for the rest of the night I just talked to myself, and rubbed my feet together and gave myself hugs. I know it sounds weird, but it really eases the terrible lonely feelings I felt. I really should have felt like this all along- I can't expect E to be the only person that loves me and makes me feel worth something. I should have done that for myself first, and he should have been the "extra" not been expected to maintain the bear minimum to keep me alive and happy.
So I'm still hurt, but now I guess I feel like there's someone in it with me. It's a lot easier to work on being healthy, repairing myself so I can *maybe* later help repair the relationship, cope with how I feel, etc. when I feel like there's someone else there for me
And this has also made me realize some things about myself that I will share later. Going to the store now, because it snowed here and Mom's scared we won't be able to get groceries. LOL.
