Need Help- PM Me?

Foreverbunny91 · Jan 15, 2012

Sorry guys, I have been through hell and back this week. You all are right. I first didn't want to post out of fear of E reading it, and I didn't want to admit to the world I was thinking about doing something so stupid. But the cat is out of the bag, and in the past few days I've endured some harsh transparency and everyone knows my shit. Thank you so much to all who messaged me. I got 6 replies, and it's a long story, so I pasted the same story to everyone. Here's what I said:

My original question has completely changed now- from a "Should I do this? Is it safe?" to a "Oh, my God now what do I do?" IDK where to start but other than to tell you what happened. Mine and E's hotel room visit was less than satisfactory. Even before I started exploring my fantasies, I realized that I did not feel sexually satisfied with E anymore. I know he has a lower libido, and that there's special ways to deal with couples who have different libidos, but it felt like it ran deeper than that. For over a year, the thought of cheating had come into my head off and on. At first it flat-out scared me and I told him and begged him to help. Then, it started slowly gettig less and less scary and repulsive, until in the last few weeks it almost seemed reasonable.

So I went on Craigslist and found a Daddy who I could eventually meet up with. (In a coffee shop the first few times then in a hotel room after that.) I made it clear I was in a relationship, didn't want to change that, wanted to be safe, blah, blah, blah. We exchanged about 30 emails talking about our fantasies together. I didn't want to betray E anymore than I needed to get what I wanted... And for some reason this felt for the most part OK to be doing, but I was waiting for the common sense to kick in... I was making sure it was something I could back out of anytime, because I hoped it would start feeling wrong soon and I'd have second thoughts. 4 days went by emailing this guy.

Well, it never really got to that point before E seen the emails. (It was an accident- he wasn't snooping.) I ended up telling him the truth. He was furious. Then later he cried a lot. I can't believe I hurt him so bad! This was on Thursday. It's been hell since then. Saying he wants to break up, that he loves me but can't deal with this, then bursting into tears and telling me he can't leave me. (I'm on a similar roller coaster.) I've been doing a lot of begging him to stay, to please give me a second chance, telling him it's OK to feel the way he does, helping him process his emotions, letting him say what he wants and ask all the questions he wants and being honest. We've sort of decided to try to see if it works out and go to a counselor. The 21st of this month is our 4 year anniversary. I know I fucked up really bad. I hurt E beyond almost beyond forgiveness. I tore down the trust we had. And I also fucked myself up- I'm insecure and a lot of the time have overwhelming feelings that I don't deserve E or anyone. Now there's some truth behind that.

I want to stay with him, because the emotional benefits far outweigh anything... But I cheated because I couldn't live without sex, and I had a fantasy he was having too much trouble fulfilling. He says that he probably won't be able to stomach having sex with me for a long time (and to prepare myself for the possibility of a year of no sex). He said that being my Daddy in bed is probably never going to happen again- and neither will anything close. So the whole realm of BDSM is basically out, and probably role play, too. I think I can live without it, but I'm not sure. Maybe the couples counselor we go to will help... I'm not sure. I'm so confused. I guess it's worth a shot. If I feel the need to cheat again, I will break up with him... But I don't know if I can do that. What do you think?

**Not sure if this is categorized correctly... Since the question changed, it's not really so much BDSM related.

JettOnly · Jan 16, 2012

OK you are not going to like this

I think you have been very selfish and uncaring to him in all of this

It is going to take a very kind caring person who loves him to help him get over this
and I very much doubt that that can be you.

From his point of view
You were his first
You introduced him to YOUR kink, he wasnt overly comfy with it but tried his best for your benifit
ontop of that you are making him feel sexually inadiquate

I am sorry to say this but at this moment in time I dont think you deserve E, or at the moment I dont think you are right for each other

I may be wrong, and I hope counceling helps you both

You are both young. Sometimes things just dont work out. Yes you may get along in many ways but if something as important to you as sexual compatibility isnt there then possibly it would be better to realise that you are amazing supportive friends - but not lovers
I had to do that with my x of 12 years, it isnt easy to do that - but better to be honest than to cheat

Instead of thinking about what you want if you really love him think about what is the best for him
If you can humbly and honestly say it is you then mibby you can fix things

Smallest · Jan 16, 2012

He needs someone who is more understanding of his emotional needs, and you need someone more understanding of your sexual ones. You sounded as though you don't understand how you hurt him so much- that shows that you two have a pretty big disconnect in what you believe, not to mention in what you know about eachother.

I hope counselling helps, I don't have much advice for staying together other than seeing a counsellor, and if your libido's so bad, learning to use sex toys in a fulfilling way.

Also, you want to stay with him for the 'emotional benefits.' That's not fair to him, and it's not very good for you either. You both need some long hard thinking done.

Foreverbunny91 · Jan 16, 2012

Oh, no. I fucking understand. I was trying how to help myself, so that's why I asked this how I did. I'm tired of defending myself, saying how sorry I am so others don't think i'm selfish. I am sorry, I said it to him, God, my mom and countless friends. If you hurt someine you love, it hurts you too. I don't think there's words for how I feel. Guilt, remorse, disbelief, self pity, self hate, unworthiness, disgust- that just scratches the surface.

I guess I will have to look elsewhere for help... But if I can't even get past the apologies to seek help then fuck it. It's hopeless.

Sorry I asked here.

Smallest · Jan 16, 2012

It's not that you asked here, but there isn't much to do, other than pay more attention to him, and seek a counsellor so he has some input in what advice is given too.

JettOnly · Jan 16, 2012

Yes you are hurting, but it is nothing to his hurt
You have been given advice her but it is not what you wanted so instead of thinking about it you flounce off in a huff
To get past this you would have to act in a mature manner, realise the responsability. Ontop of everything else the bdsm aspect makes him even more vunerable, whatever is going on in your head is nothing to what is going on with him
At this moment you have no right to be looking for sympathy and understanding, that's selfish of you
Just now all you can do is decide if you really want to be with him
If the answer is yes then you humbly wait for him to answer the same question himself
And walk away with dignity if the answer is no

RopeRanger · Jan 16, 2012

Bunny,

The advice I have is just that – advice - take it for what it’s worth. My experiences really only apply to my life. You have to pick and choose what works for you.

If you’re looking for advice on how to “fix” things unfortunately there’s no going back to the way things were. You may repair the damage, and you may rebuild trust, and you may continue to love each other, but it will not be the way it was. That’s not to say that you cannot make it better. I’m just saying the relationship will be changed. How it changes depends on him and you.

If you’re looking for an easy way to get over the way you feel about yourself… well….it hurts for a reason. The fastest way I know of getting over the type of physiological, soul wrenching pain that you’ve caused yourself it to acknowledge that you are the source of the pain. Admit you caused it, stop making excuses, admin you hurt him much worse than you hurt yourself and shift your focus from yourself and on to him and healing the pain and damage you have caused to him.

The only people who can decide to make it work are him and you. He can decide he still loves you. He can decide to forgive you. You can decide you love him enough to work at continuing the relationship, making it stronger and regaining his trust. It’s going to hurt. He’s going to make you hurt. It’s a natural defense mechanism to lash back in pain. Yes, you are also hurt, but really, you hurt yourself and so you will have to accept the fact that he will feel the need to retaliate. The critical part is how you deal with working through this together. You need to acknowledge that you have brought the relationship to this stage without making excuses for your behavior.

While you will feel the need to run, and you both may feel like you need some time apart, based on my personal experience, you should stay and face each other. It’s like physical therapy after an injury. Yes it’s painful but the only way to fix it is to exercise it. There’s no way you can work out your issues and rebuild your relationship if you guys decide to “take a break” from each other. Once either of you leave you are no longer in an active relationship. You have to stay connected. You both need to discuss what you expect out of the relationship and decide together if you want to make it work. This is where therapy helps the most. You need to assess your relationship in a non-biased, non-judgmental way. The therapist will act as a moderator to keep you on track and focused on each other and not yourselves. While he needs to know what you need from him it has to be presented in such a way that he does not feel you are using him as an excuse for your behavior.

Once you have assessed your relationship and each other’s needs you can decide if you will begin to rebuild the relationship. You need to plan on how you will work on it together. IF you’ve made it this far in the process now you will need to forgive yourself. While you are working very hard to mend your relationship you are also going to have to work on the damage you’ve done to yourself. Somewhere during this process he will need to make the step toward forgiving you. Asking for his forgiveness right now will simply cause more hurt. You have to wait for him to start moving back toward you and that won’t happen overnight. How/when/if this happens depends entirely on the two of you. You have to work it out together.

Foreverbunny91 · Jan 17, 2012

Rope Ranger, that is the best advice I have heard so far, and that helps a lot. Thank you... And I am sorry, Jett, for "flouncing off in a huff." I don't agree that you (or any other online entity) have the right to make the assumptions you did, but I was asking for it. Thank you for responding.

I originally went into this with the selfless, mature, ready to do whatever it takes to get his needs met kind of attitude you all are saying I should have had. I did a bad job at maintaining it, as you saw. So many people online have so many terrible things to say to me- which I deserve... But I don't take criticism well (something I learned today from my counselor might be part of an interesting mental health issue). So it was just too hard to stay mature through all of the criticism...

But I really like that you said that we shouldn't take a break or give eachother time away... Everyone is telling us to do this, but I (for probably illegitimate reasons) am having trouble and he often wants to come over in the middle of the night to talk. Then he wants to leave randomly and get away, and that's OK. I let him do whatever he needs to.

I asked whether or not you guys thought I could live without the sex, because I wanted to give him an honest answer to that question when he asked. But I won't know that until later, and I don't think it matters at this moment. Also, if I'm being honest with myself, I have a way more messed up reason for cheating. Basically, I have some issues that needed to be dealt with a long time ago by a counselor (which I have access to). Instead of taking responsibility for the way I felt (since I knew that <b>I</b> was the reason I felt that way, not E) and dealing with it or at least finding a less destructive way of making myself feel better, I chose to do this. I chose to betray E in a very disgusting manner and give in to my destructive impulses. It's more than sex- it's a problem I let take over my life when I had a choice to change. I'm not saying I didn't try to get help previously (I can give myself that much credit), but I didn't try hard enough. The funny thing is that my worst fear is being left because I'm what I've always felt I am- a worthless, bad person.

So yes, I am going to need seperate individual therapy on my own, and after this is over, I'm probably going to be going for a while. I'm paying for the first session or two of couples counseling on my own- then we're going to split the cost. I'm trying to keep my composure as he vents- what he is saying isn't all that bad as what I would have expected, but he takes a lot of power away from me- discrediting what I say ("If you REALLY loved me, why did you hurt me?") and telling me why I did something ("You only did this because you think I'm inadequate!") and hopelessness ("You're just going to do this again, so what's the point?") Those things hurt a lot more than "You're a stupid cunt and a manipulative bitch! You deserve to choke on a warty dick and burn in hell!" (Truth isn't as painful as people say it is.)

I was wondering if I could ask some questions and get non-critical responses? I know I don't deserve to avoid criticism, but I don't think my response to criticism is helping anyone here- especially not E. If I can prevent myself from becoming defensive as long as possible, that is preferrable, as E is going to be giving me a lot of criticism that I need to be able to respond to well. Being already defensive from other people's criticism isn't helping- it was definitely counter productive last night.

Foreverbunny91 · Jan 17, 2012

Now I admitted a new detail to him, and he could not take it and broke up with me... He said he wanted complete transparency, and I thought that's what it would take to repair our relationship. Well, I still think that's true, but he said he was breaking up with me... Then he said he'd think about it after I went to his house to talk to him.

I feel like I'm dying right now, but that doesn't matter... The small detail was this:

A day or two after he found out (which was like 4 days ago...) he had talked about breaking up. I said I would never speak to the OM and deleted my email that I used to respond to him. My friend had emailed him out of curiousity and basically got the same exact email reply he gave me. I guess he cut/copy/pastes his fantasies. I wasn't upset at this, I didn't care. Then E said some things that hinted towards breaking up and that made me feel like shit. I was upset, but I couldn't lash out at him. I couldn't talk bad about him to make myself feel better... So I thought I'd message OM and see if he was a dirty lying scum bag. I emailed him from another email account (first big mistake). I asked if he found any other little girls to play with, and he said no and asked why my other email was deleted. I never responded. I wanted to know he was a scum bag to talk crap about him with my friend, so I would feel better. I didn't care about messaging him, because I was upset with E. Stupid, foolish, selfish, dumb- and another betrayal.

I wanted to do a no-contact letter, too, because I heard those help and help the cheated on partner. Guess not... He was even upset that I'd want to tell this guy it was over. He wasn't supposed to matter that much- and he didn't matter at all. I just wanted to help in the recover process.

Crisis center is just a bandaid, and I need to be selfish for a sec and get support... There is something wrong with me. I'm struggling to deal with this in a healthy manner, but I'm making it (and REALLY proud of myself, I might add- came a long way since my last break up). Here's just my thoughts of the night:

I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay...
Hey, this isn't so bad... I'm dealing with this! Way to go.
But what about tomorrow?
Oh, God, I can't believe I fucked up so bad!! What the fuck???
I'm a fucking psychopathic bitch who- no... I'm a good person.
I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay...
What if I went to the hospital? Would me being hurt make him think more about losing me?
Oh, God, that's not healthy...
Let's write in the "Things I Love About You" book I just bought- don't think I can return it anyway.
*peacefully wrote in the book for a while*
It's weird how all of these memories coming back to me are so comforting.
*writes some more*
*gets a bit more panicky but keeps writing*
I love him so much... Does he believe me? He said he did.
Then why isn't he staying with me? It's because he thinks I'm going to betray him again...
But I'm not! I want to get better- I want us to get better. It's the truth! He will figure that out...
No, he won't. He's never been this positive about breaking up. The people on that forum are going to convince him to break up with me...
Oh, God. I've got to stop this!!
NO! *go talk to my mom*
*temptation to cry wolf for help set in*
*called the crisis line*
*found out that hospitals do charge for crisis treatment*
*more distorted, back/forth thinking*
*called crisis line again and talked to the guy*
Okay, so I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay
I can't do anything about this right now that is going to do any good. I'm OK for now.
But what if he starts to slip away from me? Please don't leave me!!
I need to call him... No, he will only break up with me faster that way.
It seems too desperate... I should stop and go to bed or something.
I am being desperate right now... But if I don't do anything, how will he know I want to try?
Okay, I need to do something NOW to prove to him that I'm willing to do anything.
Putting myself in the hospital isn't going to work- he'll just think I've gone crazy or stay with me for a little out of pity... Then break up with me after he realizes he was manipulated.
Hmmm... Let's carve his name into my arm and send him a picture!
With what? Razor? No... Knife? None are sharp... Exacto knife! Perfect!
Let's try it out first- oh, fuck no.
Hmmm... How about burning it into my skin?
Let's bend a paper clip into and E and heat it up and put it on my skin...
Oh, wait... This isn't going to work. Who am I kidding? I'm too much of a whimp.
How about a tattoo! I think I have the tools to do that...
Let's look it up online... Wait, this is a bad idea.
What the heck am I thinking?
He wants to know I won't betray him again, not that I'm willing to do unhealthy, crazy things to prove a point.
He needs to know that I'm a sane person that can learn from their mistakes and make changes to themselves- none of this is going to help me.
I'm going to make the choice right now to be as sane as possible!!

Now I'm going to bed. I'm exhausted, have scratches on my arm and it's been really freaking rough. I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I'm going to be okay.

Foreverbunny91 · Jan 18, 2012

Okay, so just another update. Been starting to freak out all day, but I've been able to calm myself down OK.

If you have not yet figured this out, I have mental health issues- I know this is going to be nearly impossible to not judge me for this, but my counselor believes I have a mild form of borderline personality disorder. (I definitely don't have ALL the symptoms, Thank God!) She said that I cannot be there to support E without first getting this under control. She also said that obviously I need to quit seeking support from someone when I hurt them so bad! (Big duh.) So I'm going to start going to counseling way more often. I have to call in daily to check in... Not sure what happens if I don't, but I'm guessing they will be contacting emergency contacts if I don't.

She said to write him an email instead of talking to him- and she's right. I will totally freak the fuck out, start begging for him back, rip his clothes off, throw myself on the ground and act like a trapped and dying prey animal. I need to help myself before I can help him... And that's one of the worst parts about this whole situation. Hurting someone you love so deeply that just looking at them hurts you, then committing yourself to helping them get through this and making things better, then realizing you're currently too psychotic to do that, then having to let go and let them deal with this on their own- add in the fact that I have issues losing control, and right now I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIM. But I can control myself. I can make MYSELF worth his time and effort to work with me to repair this. I cannot make him want to do it, but I can make myself worth it. This fact is the only thing keeping me from going off the deep end right now. It's the only thing stopping me from sinking into self pity and remorse and calling him up and begging for him back and doing a bunch of crazy crap. But I'm holding onto it, because it's the only hope I have of making up for the hurt I caused.

Need Help- PM Me?

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