I don't have it in me

ritualeclipse · Jan 7, 2013

I'm not bothered about not satisfying her. We're both fully in tune with each others bodies and we both please each other 100%. We know what makes us both tick very well and we're both awesome in the sack (not meaning to sound like I'm bragging).
It feels like we're one of those couples that have the best sex ever, better than anyone could imagine (though I'm not so naive to think that no one else feels like that too).
Cocaine is over rated, it just wakes us up a bit and makes us more alert. We have it on weekends, not every weekend though and it's not like we live in Columbia so it's not the strongest.
Like I say, the problem isn't being insecure about not being able to please. As I've said before even with out drugs we have awesome sex. The problem is me having the guts to do certain things. For example, when we're high I can just walk over to her and hold her down on the couch and lift her legs high above her while i begin to lick her ass. Sober, I wouldn't normally have the guts to be so forward, she she would be a little insecure about her most intimate parts being licked.
Like say during the week I'd go to instigate a good session, she'd be like "It's not the weekend you know". I don't know if it's me being a shit dom or her being a shit sub lol.
I think I just need to force her, sober, and if she needs to she can use the safe word. She knows I would never hurt her in a negative way and she knows I would always honour the safe word. She is so confident about me not going too far that she says we don't need anything to signify she's had enough when she's gagged and can't talk because she knows I'd be able to feel from her that it's enough. And that's true. We feel everything from each other.
We're a strange couple really, we were born at exactly the same time, on the same day, we suffer similar ailments, if she's having a problem with a wisdom tooth I will too. There are many strange things like that about us. Hell, it's even possible she's my half sister haha. Her dad was doing my mum around the time I was born/conceived. Fucked up I know. But that's another story.

But yeah, my problem, our problem. Having the guts and letting go...
Is it about me being a good dom, and making her do what I want and just relying on her to say the safe word? I know she likes to be forced, it turns her on, and she has a bit of a rape fantasy thing. We just gotta get over this barrier we seem to have.

sebastian · Jan 7, 2013

Building confidence is probably the biggest challenge a dom deals with. Without it, we tend to be tentative ("do you feel like getting spanked?"), which is just about the opposite of what most subs want. There are a couple of things you can do to help build your confidence.
1) Have a talk about this, some time when you're not about to play (like go out for lunch some day and discuss it then) and tell her that you want to get used to being more assertive. Find out where she's comfortable letting go and where she still wants some degree of control. For example, maybe she doesn't want to let go as much on work nights, so agree that weekends you get to be completely in charge. But make it clear that within the bounds of whatever limits she needs, you're going to expect compliance and sex as you choose.
2) Trust her to use the safe word. It's there for her to feel safe, but it's also there for you to feel confident that she's ok with what is happening. So trust her to safe word, and remind yourself that if she's not safe wording, you're doing a decent job.
3) Fake it til you make it, as they say in recovery programs. Acting like you are confident will gradually make you feel confident. It trains your mind to fit with what you are expressing. The more you see her complying, the more confident you will feel that you're good at what you do and that she wants to see more of it.
4) Consider exploring clothing fetishes, like leather or uniforms. Wearing sexy clothing can boost confidence a good deal, especially if you know it's something she likes. Leather and uniforms also make one more aggressive. Studies have shown that when a man puts on a uniform, he becomes more aggressive (no idea if that works for women too, but it probably does), and leather does something similar for me. So if those fetishes click for you at all, look into getting some decent-looking gear.
5) If you don't work out regularly, seriously consider doing so. Feeling confident about your body translates into confidence elsewhere, and there's something about carrying some muscle that makes one feel more confident and aggressive. And knowing that you're stronger than she is means that she has to give in.

subarama30 · Jan 12, 2013

Ok I do not think being stoned, high, drunk or otherwise intoxicated is a good idea. Even when you think you are in control, you aren't fully. I'm not bashing you for it, I get where you are coming from. My husband couldn't adapt to being the mean Dom type to me at first and used to drink to give him the balls to push things and help him get over his tentativeness to hurt me. Sometimes it was great, other times he was hurting me in a not so fun way or ignoring signs that I wasn't ok. This creates problems. I didn't want to dent his confidence so didn't want to say anything but at the same time, if someone has their hands around your throat and is squeezing too hard and you are going light headed things can go south pretty fast.

Having said that, you seem to like things the way they are so you are not likely to stop so onto the issue of being a more confident Dom.

You really have to keep in mind that she likes what you are doing. You are not really hurting her or being abusive because its something she wants. The rape fantasy thing can be hard for guys to deal with because no woman really wants to be raped right? So it can feel fucked up.

She sounds a bit like me in that I like to taunt my husband, say no, fight him off and have him force me. He used to hate the bruises and marks but I love them so he doesn't comment anymore.

Like Sebastian said, fake it! A Dom who is not confident is a turn off, if someone is always checking if you are ok and hesitant, it doesn't do much if you like it rough so in the beginning you can think of it as getting into character until you feel more at ease and then you can be more yourself. Just trust that she will let you know when to go too far or it isn't working for her.

Abstract_Alice · Jan 24, 2013

I think establishing a safe word will fix all your problems. Then you know if she REALLY wants you to stop.

Foreverbunny91 · Feb 1, 2013

Okay, so I have some advice about the whole drugs/alcohol thing!!

First of all, I did not like when the people in this forum told me I shouldn't drink while playing. Both my boyfriend at the time and I needed to drink in order to engage in kink. (I had sex anxiety, and couldn't have sex without being drunk, and he couldn't play my Daddy without being drunk.) This was NECESSARY for us!! However...

A counselor suggested that I reduce my alcohol intake one drink at a time. You can do this with coke and other drugs, too... I'd just quit the MDMA, since you said you didn't need it and a good D/s relationship will make you feel closer than MDMA ever could, trust me! So, let's say you both normally drink 7 beers and do 4 lines of coke. Next time you play, you will drink 6 beers and do 3 lines of coke. Then the next time, you'll have 5 beers and do 2 lines of coke and so forth... Honestly, I think if you do one good 30 minute scene, you'll both be so satisfied you won't need to go any longer. Or, my favorite thing to do, is fuck then nap then fuck then eat then fuck then nap and repeat

I have hurt someone while drunk. I have a cigarette burning fetish, and I burned scars into my friend... Granted, he allowed me to do it, but he was really drunk, too. I wasn't in control and he wasn't in a position to consent. Now he has 3 scars on his chest.

Venym · Feb 19, 2013

"Sex without drugs and alcohol is amazing. The best we've had. But sex on drugs takes it to a new level."

First you're contradicting yourself.

"I'm going to do what I think she really wants. We have a healthy relationship, we're very close and we're totally in love with each other."

I hope you're right man, and I must agree with everyone and caution you against playing impaired... but you will do things your own way.

One word of caution. If you're going to play impaired, play on the part of safety. When you think to yourself oh she'll love this... tone it down a level when you actually do it. She'll still love it and it will make the play a little bit safer.

Knowing what you're doing, and being Understanding of what you're doing is two different things. I can proudly say I've never lost control of my actions while impaired... what I can't honestly say is that the control I had is what I meant for it to be.

Meaning my brain understood something one way, and I reacted on it... albeit slowly. What my brain took in, and what was in reality, can be two different things.

I would like to wish you the best, but like others I can't. I can say that I hope your play works out for both your sakes... especially if while impaired you guys do go to far.

Hendrixoo · Mar 1, 2013

Maybe being a dom isn't for you.

It's all role play. As long as the two of you have discussed your limits and have a safe word the play should be within the limits that both of you set. It isn't all about her or you, it's what you both desire.

I don't have it in me

ritualeclipse

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sebastian

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subarama30

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Abstract_Alice

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Foreverbunny91

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Venym

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Hendrixoo

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