I don't have it in me

ritualeclipse · Jan 4, 2013

Ok, she does have limits. But they're things that we consider "goes without saying limits", poo, animals, children etc.
I do enjoy her goading me into punishing her, and it's not real anger. When I'm angry at her for real sex is not on top of the list of priorities. It's more of a play type of mad. More I feel frustration inside me, but it's held back by the fact that I know it's for play. I'm not doing BDSM out of anger, it's just part of the play really. You're right she is bratty, & I like it.
In real life she's a very dominant woman, she comes across as powerful & one of those head strong women who knows what she wants. But in the sack she likes to be dominated.

Kinky sex with drugs and alcohol is something we have always done. I really do appreciate what you're saying & yes I'm sure the dangers are real. But this is how we do things and that's not going to change. Incorporating drugs into sex is something we enjoy a lot, too much to stop so it will continue. Please respect our choice to do things this way, wether you agree with it or not.
Without drink or drugs we have pretty normal sex, a bit rough but ALWAYS mind blowing and amazing. When we're high and drunk we start with the whipping and tying up, playing with pee and spit etc. Nothing too extreme. The drink and drugs allows us to have sex for hours and hours without getting tired or me finishing.
I know she loves goading me. She will tease me with her pussy & do little things that turn me on but then refuses to give it to me, I think she hopes that I will be pushed to a limit in how horny I am and just take her when I've had too much. It turns her on to know that I need her, & that she has what I want.

My only problem here is feeling too mean sometimes to take what I want from her, when I want and how I want.
But, tonight is the night. It's Friday, and instead of going out we're going to get some booze in (leaving out the drugs tonight) and she's going to tease me & I'm going to do what I think she really wants. We have a healthy relationship, we're very close and we're totally in love with each other. If I go too far she will let me know & I will feel it from her. If I go too far she's strong enough in the head to not let it affect her. She's very head strong and not much phases her. She's also physically strong.
Well, see how it goes tonight

ritualeclipse · Jan 4, 2013

sebastian said:
Ritual: If you ignore everything else I say, listen to this: Do NOT do kinky play when you're drunk or high. Eventually, you're going to seriously injure or God forbid kill her. Kink does not mix with drugs or booze.

I'm seeing several dysfunctional things in your relationship.
1) You need to get drunk or high in order to play.
2) Your gf feels a need to taunt you in order to get what she wants.
3) You are doing BDSM out of a sense of anger.
4) Your gf thinks she has no limits. She's wrong. Everyone has limits. Everyone. She apparently is too inexperienced to realize that she has them, or she thinks she's being daring by claiming to not have limits.

Eventually, this scenario is going to go bad. You're going to get drunk, she's going to taunt you, and you're going to get angry enough that you're going to play roughly enough that you're going to hurt or you're going to pass one of her limits and she's going to get upset. The only thing that's stopping this now is that you're held back by your love for her.

A big piece of the issue is your gf, actually. One of two things is going on here. 1) She's 'bratty'. She likes taunting you in order to get you to be rough with her; it's a game for her. This is a common things subs do; some doms like it, others don't. 2) She's emotionally fucked up and is trying to get you to be rough with her because she thinks she deserves it. When she taunts you, she's not playing a game; she's acting out an unhealthy dynamic. The fact that you're uncomfortable being rough with her even though she wants it might be a sign that you instinctively recognize that what you two are doing is unhealthy.

I know what her issues are, and they're deep seeded and possibly unhealthy. But this is the way she's dealing with them.

sebastian · Jan 4, 2013

ritualeclipse said:
Kinky sex with drugs and alcohol is something we have always done. I really do appreciate what you're saying & yes I'm sure the dangers are real. But this is how we do things and that's not going to change. Incorporating drugs into sex is something we enjoy a lot, too much to stop so it will continue. Please respect our choice to do things this way, wether you agree with it or not.

I'm sorry, but I don't respect stupidity.

I can't in good conscience give you advice on something that is eventually going to put your gf in the hospital or the morgue, except to advise you to have the number of a good lawyer available before it happens. UK laws are harsh even on consensual BDSM (every time you get really rough with her, you're committing assault, and if she consents to it, she's committing conspiracy to commit assault), so when you finally injure or kill her, you absolutely will stand trial for it, and probably be convicted.

sweetling91 · Jan 4, 2013

this is such a sad kind of relationship Ritual. I don't know how you can say that drugs and alcohol anhance your sex life and you want to continue like that no matter what. I mean drugs and alcohol diminish your thinking ability and your own pain sensors. Let's just say one day your gf is goading you so much that you just start to spank her really hard and can't stop because you can't think and can't feel your own pain? I mean your mind and pain sensors/synapses are your warining signs if you go to far.
You wouldn't register anything numbed with alcohol and drugs and then it's going to be ugly. Someday you are going to hurt your gf and especially yourself very badly.

I thought you wanted to know how to play savely with your gf ?! If it's still the case, then you should really forget about taking alcohol and drugs as your form of aphrodisiac.
I know that talking and figuring things out step by step is a very slow process. But you have to see it this way:

In the long haul, you and your gf will be more connected together because you fought your way out of this unwholesome relationship together. And I think the sense of accomplishment is much more gratifiying then instant sex kick through dangerous methods.

Puhh...that was long but I had to say it.
If you still feel like you want to continue like it is now, then I feel very sorry for your girlfriend because you are cheating her out of a good and loving relationship. But I wont feel sorry for you because you have a responsibility to keep your gf safe.

ritualeclipse · Jan 4, 2013

This is nothing like how you're making it sound. Our relationship is amazing and intense. We're both very close and we love each other so much. At the end the of the day we work hard through the week and on weekends we get blasted and play hard.

Sex without drugs and alcohol is amazing. The best we've had. But sex on drugs takes it to a new level. It heightens every sense we have and makes things more exciting. We both love it and we know many people who do the same.

It's not going to get the point where I don't know what I'm doing. I always know what I'm doing, no matter how wrecked I am. I've never gone too far because I know where I am and what I'm doing while I'm doing it. You're probably imagining some smacked up fuck head with his eyes half shut and slurring all over the place. It's not like that at all.

We've been taking drugs and having kinky sex for years, we've never gone that far. If she gets any bruises they're normally gone with in 2 days. We're not that extreme.

I am not cheating my girlfriend out of a loving relationship. That's a ridiculous thing to say given that you don't know us. It's clear to many that we're close and love each other.
If I said to her that I could be arrested for "assault" etc, she'd give me a high five and say "fuck yes". That's her humour. She's happy with what we get up to and we have mind blowing sex.
If you don't approve of how we choose to conduct ourselves on weekends then you don't need to reply here. But we will continue to do what makes us feel good. As my girlfriend says, "fuck it, you only live once. You might as well have fun".

sebastian · Jan 4, 2013

Ritual, this isn't a question of me not approving of your relationship. My approval is irrelevant. But what you're doing is still dangerous.

As a dom, you are responsible for everything that happens in your scene with your sub. You get credit when things go right, and you get the blame when things go wrong. The more control you have over what happens, the more responsibility you have. Your sub is yielding up control, and trusting you to make sure that no actual harm comes to her. Because you are in charge, it is your obligation to be completely in control throughout the scene; by definition your sub is not in control, so if you're not in control, then no one is. Drugs and alcohol by their nature reduce your control over your body, your mind, and your perceptions. So when you play high or drunk, you're playing with less control that you need to have, and that's irresponsible. It's a failure as a dom.

There are two broad schools of ethics in BDSM. The more conservative and more widespread school is SSC--Safe, Sane, and Consensual. I explain my take on it in the FAQ, but basically it argues that BDSM requires the consent of the sub, and that the activities engaged in are both safe and within sane limits. (What defines 'sane' is loose--the term wasn't originally coined as a rigidly-defined concept, but just a loose working definition.) SSCers agree that playing drunk or high is not safe. So you're outside SSC.

The other approach is RACK--Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. Their argument is that most forms of BDSM play carry with them some degree of risk; even a careful dom may accidentally harm a sub with things like ropes that are a little too tight, or hitting too hard with an impact toy. So RACKers argue that truly safe play is rare to non-existant. And they insist on their right to play along the edge of things that SSCers would define as insane. So instead of being Safe and Sane, they argue that BDSMers should be Risk-Aware, that is, they should understand the risks of their form of play and give their consent under the full knowledge of those risks. In other words, you should go into BDSM with eyes open. But RACKers, even using a liberal definition of their approach, would agree that you're not practicing RACK, because you're pretending that there aren't any real risks to playing high or drunk.

So what you and your gf are doing is outside all accepted BDSM ethics. Arguably, you're not doing BDSM; you're engaging in an abusive relationship in which you get drunk and get high and pretend that you're not going to harm your gf when you beat her, or choke her, or do whatever else you two get up to.

There are all kinds of ways that drugs and alcohol can cause trouble.
1) Many drugs and alcohol reduce co-ordination, so when you're doing impact play, you are more likely to hit her where you don't intend to. You may also hit her harder than you intended.
2) Many drugs and alcohol reduce awareness of pain. Your sub may not realize that you are inflicting injury or taking her further than she wants to go. She may only realize she's been injured after play is done.
3) All drugs that I know of and alcohol affect either perception or how you respond to what you perceive. Your gf might safeword and you might fail to hear it or simply disregard it. You may ignore important warning signs, such as extremities getting cold from blood loss or changes in her body language or breathing patterns.
4) Some drugs and alcohol reduce your inhibition, which may lead to you finally releasing your full aggression unexpectedly. You may decide to harm her simply because something inside you tells you do.
5) Some drugs induce hallucinations, inner voices, and the like, which may lead you to not understanding what you are doing to her.
6) Some drugs make you aggressive, which may lead to the sub being injured.

Playing with a mild buzz is probably low-risk, but the higher or more drunk you are, the greater the odds that something is going to happen. You say that you've been doing this without a problem, but that just means you haven't had a problem yet; it doesn't mean that there aren't enormous risks. I keep an eye out for news stories involving BDSM, most of which are items about severe injuries or fatal accidents. All the news items I've seen involving accidents or deaths fall into one of two categories: breath play accidents and accidents in which drugs or alcohol were involved.

I realize that you're young, you feel like you know what you're doing, and you don't like to hear that you don't have everything under control. But I guarantee that you do not have this under control. Drugs and alcohol are risky on their own, and BDSM is risky on its own. Together they are incredibly risky, because drugs and alcohol reduce exactly the thing you need to keep BDSM from being dangerous, control. I'm not saying this to piss on your parade. I'm saying this to keep you and your gf alive, healthy, happy, and free of the legal system.

Please, please, please listen to me and the others on this board. What you are doing is foolish and dangerous. It WILL eventually lead to something bad. If you're lucky, your gf will just wind up in the hospital. If you're unlucky, she will end up in the morgue. UK laws being what they are, you almost certainly will stand trial for it, and you will almost certainly be convicted. (If you want to know about the legal risks of BDSM in the UK, google the Spanner Trial.)

Smallest · Jan 4, 2013

Warning

Keep it polite, everyone.

There have already been some mild insults, let's not bring it any further. Both Ritual and everyone else may express their opinions on the matter, but please keep anger and defensiveness as low as you can.

Smallest · Jan 4, 2013

sweetling91 said:
I thought you wanted to know how to play savely with your gf ?!

^
I'm pretty much stuck here. You wanted advice on how to play and make it fun, safe, and acceptable for both of you, but you refuse to take any of what we say seriously. You aren't only choosing not to take our advice, but you are acting as though we are in the wrong, when we are trying to keep someone from getting hurt or arrested.

I don't understand how we are supposed to offer any help or advice.

ritualeclipse · Jan 7, 2013

Guys I know what you're saying and I fully understand.
We mainly use substances to get rid of our inhibitions, it lets us go all out and not have anything hold us back. How can we learn to do these things without substances?
We're used to it now and change is hard for humans lol.

Honestly all we take is MDMA, cocaine and alcohol. The MDMA makes things feel more magical, closeness, enhanced senses. The cocaine keeps us up and going for longer, the alcohol is just thrown in there as we drink most weekends.
If we can learn to do all the filthy things we do while sober obviously this would be better. We're both grown adults, I am 27 and she is 33. This is our first relationship we've had of trying out the dom/sub thing. We love each other very much and we're just exploring to be honest.

sebastian · Jan 7, 2013

One of the benefits of BDSM is that it encourages emotional bonding because it requires the people involved to reveal their inner selves and desires and to work through their fears together. The sub learns to trust the dom to take care of her and the dom learns to trust the sub to obey the dom; both learn that the other will accept their socially unacceptable desires. And a good BDSM session can last for literally hours when things are clicking (the first couple times I played with my mentor, 6-8 hours flew by like they were 2-3 hours). So BDSM naturally does what you're using the drugs to accomplish, and it does it in a better way--you don't need the drugs to learn to do these things. And it does these things without the loss of awareness and self-control and various medical risks that most illegal drugs entail. And coke is about the most dangerous drug there is--you WILL lose control of your use of it eventually. No one stays in control of coke--there's a reason coke addicts are a cliche of film and tv.

If you've gotten used to using drugs for play, it's going to take a while to learn to do BDSM without it--it's going to feel strange and awkward for a while. But you do it by sitting down with your sub and telling her that you want to try moving off the drugs. Admit that the idea makes you nervous--I'm guessing you're nervous that maybe you won't satisfy her as much when you're sober, so be honest about that. That's exactly the sort of worry that doms learn to conquer as they play. When I first started domming I was scared as hell that I wasn't good enough, but my experiences gradually taught me to trust my instincts. Once you start playing sober and she starts enjoying it, you'll begin to see the drugs as just a crutch to get you over your fears. It won't be exactly like playing on drugs, but I think you'll gradually see the experience as deeper, more honest, and more emotionally rewarding.

I don't have it in me

ritualeclipse

New Member

ritualeclipse

New Member

sebastian

Active Member

sweetling91

Member

ritualeclipse

New Member

sebastian

Active Member

Smallest

Moderator

Smallest

Moderator

ritualeclipse

New Member

sebastian

Active Member

Similar threads