New, and kindda confused !

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Newandawkward, Aug 29, 2012.

  1. Newandawkward

    Newandawkward New Member

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    This has been lurking around my head for ages, and i think it's time i tried to get serious about sex and fetishes. So i'll just lay it here and hope someone can relate and maybe even know a few tips ? For reference i'm a straight man. This is very awkward for me to write, i'm a bit clumsy, english isn't my first language, and it might be hard to follow, or maybe i'll use the wrong terms, or have run on sentences like this one...

    So the thing is, i have some Dom and some Sub parts to me.

    For the Sub part, i like it more psychologically, the idea of being completely controlled by someone else and at their mercy. not any physical stuff except for ropes (no gags or insertion of any kind), and i don't want the humiliation part of the fetish. I don't want my Dom to degrade me...just, i dunno, have this "power" over me. I don't think i'd mind being a slave either. It's strange, hard to explain.

    Ever since i was a kid i've felt this strange, VERY STRONG tingle upon reading stories involving brainwashing, and corruption, especially of "heroes". That is very wierd and powerful, but on the other end i've never found any piece of pornography that actually properly gives me that tingle...while regular litterature sometimes does !

    For the Dom part, i'd also like to have that power over someone ! But different - i'd like to have that person not wear underwear in public under her skirt, or have them beg for me to let them orgasm, but i also don't want that person to call me "Master". I don't think i have it in me to even pretend to be severe and strict, or hurting that person (i know, it's not about inflincting pain per say, but it can be a byproduct).

    My current girlfriend is more of a Dom, and fulfills the first part, though we have been advancing slowly (but that's a plus i guess, slow and steady and all that. At this point she likes forcing me to ask her what i want her to do, and I LOVE IT). But she is no Sub at all, so that's a part (though it's less prominent) that i can't explore.

    So the problem i have right now is - what the hell AM I ??? Dom ? Sub ? Neither ? Both ? I'm confused.
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  2. Roland

    Roland Member

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    Hi New...your English came across perfectly fine, by the way. Welcome to the site!

    It sounds like you are a switch, but are in a relationship with a pure dom. Since she will never be your sub, as you say, the only outlet that I can see is for you to look to another woman to satisfy those needs. You can try talking to your gf and ask her if you can have an online sub, perhaps. You can cam with the sub, and your gf might be ok with that. She may also be interested in domming another female, that you can dom as well. I've seen numerous examples of that in BDSM literature, so it is not unprecedented. Aside from finding a switch female to partner with, I see no other options for you.

    You can also read the Newcomer's FAQ which might have some useful info for you:

    Good luck!
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  3. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    Definately sound like a switch. There is nothing wrong with it, plenty of people are.

    Like Roland said though, if you are with a Domme who isn't willing to switch too then you are not going to be able to fulfil the dominant side of yourself. If that is a strong desire than you are going to have to ask to play with others or move on from this relationship (I never recommend messing around behind anyones back).

    It can be confusing in the beginning to figure out what you like and what you are but it can also be fun.

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