I don't have it in me

ritualeclipse · Jan 3, 2013

I don't think I have it in me. My sub girlfriend keeps making me mad on purpose, and while drunk I'll happily grab her hair and hold her face down to the floor while I tell her off and spank her ass... but when she starts moaning and showing signs of pain I let go because I feel bad for her. Then she starts mocking me for letting her go and being nice to her.
I have all these ideas of punishment, but when it comes down to her I realise I love her & can't go far with it.

When she pretends she doesn't want sex, she expects me to hold her down with my body weight and do her anyway. But when she says no a few times it puts me off & I can't go ahead with it as it makes me feel a bit rapey.

Did any of you guys have difficulty with this when first getting into it?
Perhaps I'm just a nice guy? Maybe I'm not as dom as I'd have hoped for.
We have our safe word, but it only takes a few times of her saying no or a few squeels of pain to make me stop.
I need to sort this out and stand up and be a proper dom.

I know she pretty much has no limits, and she would enjoy being humiliated and treat like a piece of meat, and that turns me on so much and makes me so horny, but when it comes down to it I just find it hard to go through with it. It usually takes a lot of alcohol and drugs for me to unleash my fury and do anything I want, but I'd love to be able to do it sober.

What to do?

sebastian · Jan 3, 2013

Ritual, have you read through the Newcomer's FAQ yet? It has a variety of posts that I think will help you.

Many new doms have difficulty with the issues you bring up; I know I did. Part of the purpose of a safe word is to help the dom feel confident that the sub is enjoying herself. If she's not safe wording then you know, regardless of what she's saying, that she wants you to keep going. Subs enjoy the tension between wanting something and not wanting it, and many like the illusion that they are doing something against their will. She wants to be forced into something that she wants to do. It's a paradox, which makes it a challenge to understand, but it doesn't mean that you're doing something bad.

Do NOT drink or get high when you play. That is a recipe for something really bad happening, something you would probably regret for a long time and which might completely end your exploration in kink. Doms have an obligation to be in control at all times during play. A small amount of alcohol (like one bottle of beer) might help you a bit, but if you hit the point where you have even a mild buzz, you're probably too drunk to dom.

Rather than resorting to chemicals to help you get past this, you need to learn more self-awareness. You need to start thinking about what it is about domming that you enjoy and why you enjoy it. Then learn to connect to that part of you consciously. For example, when I was in my teens and 20s, I was pretty overweight, and no one ever seemed attracted to me. When I dom, however, I feel incredibly sexy and I get to have whatever I want, all the things I was denied when I was younger. Knowing where that desire comes from helps me 'get my dom on'. I just put myself in the 'I'm sexy and I get what I want' mindset and out comes the dom.

You say your let your fury out. What are you angry at? Here's one example of why getting in touch with yourself matters. If you consciously know that you're angry at people who made you feel powerless growing up (I have some of that), then you can connect to that anger and express it during play without confusing your sub for the people you're angry at from childhood. You can use the anger for erotic purposes without getting lost in it. But if you don't know who you're angry at or why, then you run the risk of mistaking your sub for the people you're angry at and taking out the anger on her in ways that are unhealthy and dangerous to her. It's a small difference, but to me at least it makes a vast difference.

stanley_jeffries · Jan 3, 2013

Hi Ritual,
OK, so your gf is trying to goad you to go further than you feel comfortable with. I totally support what Sebastian says - alcohol and Dom'ing really don't mix. Something bad is going to happen.

I think you need to have a serious chat with her, and by "serious" I mean no roleplay or D/s involved. Talk to each other as adults, and be honest.

I think you could start by telling her pretty much what you told us in your post...

That the idea of hurting her is an incredible turn-on in your fantasies, but when it comes to the reality you feel differently. You understand that a good D/s relationship is important to her, and it seems pretty exciting for you too - but only within the right terms.

Here's the critical thing. You need her help to get you over this mental block about being cruel to her, and you need to make it clear to her that her goading you is not helping. She might think it will help, and that's why she's doing it, so please don't be dismissive of her actions. Just make it clear that you don't think it's the right way to go. She might think that by playing bratty it's part of the act, but in fact it's making you feel less comfortable. Don't expect her to be psychic about your feelings. You need to tell her honestly.

You both have a fantastic incentive to work this through, and by talking completely honestly to each other, without any kind of silly bravado or roleplay then I believe it's the only way to achieve it.

You should also be honest with her that, in the short term, you might not be able to be as "violent" as she seems to want. But she needs to help you out and compromise on that until you feel more comfortable. The goal would be for you to "grow into" being more dominant, but you need her help for you to do that.

IMHO this is a more controlled way to deal with the problem than, for example, inflicting a severe punishment session on her to "cure her" of the goading. It's clear that you don't feel comfortable with that level of cruelty yet - and maybe you never will. But if you don't work this through together I don't see how it can get better.

One other suggestion is to ask your gf to post here too. Of course you'll read what each other is posting, but in a way it might give you a useful avenue of communication.

I hope that makes sense.

Cheers,
Stanley

ritualeclipse · Jan 3, 2013

sebastian said:
Ritual, have you read through the Newcomer's FAQ yet? It has a variety of posts that I think will help you.

Many new doms have difficulty with the issues you bring up; I know I did. Part of the purpose of a safe word is to help the dom feel confident that the sub is enjoying herself. If she's not safe wording then you know, regardless of what she's saying, that she wants you to keep going. Subs enjoy the tension between wanting something and not wanting it, and many like the illusion that they are doing something against their will. She wants to be forced into something that she wants to do. It's a paradox, which makes it a challenge to understand, but it doesn't mean that you're doing something bad.

Do NOT drink or get high when you play. That is a recipe for something really bad happening, something you would probably regret for a long time and which might completely end your exploration in kink. Doms have an obligation to be in control at all times during play. A small amount of alcohol (like one bottle of beer) might help you a bit, but if you hit the point where you have even a mild buzz, you're probably too drunk to dom.

Rather than resorting to chemicals to help you get past this, you need to learn more self-awareness. You need to start thinking about what it is about domming that you enjoy and why you enjoy it. Then learn to connect to that part of you consciously. For example, when I was in my teens and 20s, I was pretty overweight, and no one ever seemed attracted to me. When I dom, however, I feel incredibly sexy and I get to have whatever I want, all the things I was denied when I was younger. Knowing where that desire comes from helps me 'get my dom on'. I just put myself in the 'I'm sexy and I get what I want' mindset and out comes the dom.

You say your let your fury out. What are you angry at? Here's one example of why getting in touch with yourself matters. If you consciously know that you're angry at people who made you feel powerless growing up (I have some of that), then you can connect to that anger and express it during play without confusing your sub for the people you're angry at from childhood. You can use the anger for erotic purposes without getting lost in it. But if you don't know who you're angry at or why, then you run the risk of mistaking your sub for the people you're angry at and taking out the anger on her in ways that are unhealthy and dangerous to her. It's a small difference, but to me at least it makes a vast difference.

Hi, thanks for your reply.
We've always used substances because they lower our inhibitions. Typically on one of our sessions we will drink loads of alcohol and take some substances and she'll spend hours teasing me, dressing up in different things, and occasionally start an argument with me when she wants me to punish her for something. When I'm really high and drunk we have the most amazing mind blowing sex ever that can go on for up to 6hrs or so.

What am I angry at? Well, she could say something to me that would piss me off sometimes. Such as, she'll start going on about a sexual experience that she's had with someone else that I don't particularly want to hear about (i suffer from jealousy a bit), she knows this pisses me off and she tells me to use that as fuel for punishing her.

I keep meaning to keep a conscious mind set that I can go as far as I want with her and no matter what she says (apart from the safe word of course) I can keep going. I need to get this into my head and stop feeling sorry for her.
I guess I just need to get into her head and know deep down that even if she says no that I can still do it.

I'm getting better with some things. She likes to be woken up with me fucking her, sometimes she will wake up as I'm touching her and she'll say no and say I can have a wank over her instead. It took a while for me to get over it but now I just do it, jump on and ride away while she's asleep. She soon wakes up. So I need to apply the same in sober situations I suppose.
For us, it's about me getting what I want from her and using her as a piece of meat. That turns me on a lot but I need to keep in my mind that it is also turning her on too.
She's had some bad experiences in her life and I guess these might be part of the reason why I hold back.
I guess if I do it once, and keep going even if she say no, and try it a few more times after that I will get used to it, just as I did with the sleeping thing.

ritualeclipse · Jan 3, 2013

stanley_jeffries said:
Hi Ritual,
OK, so your gf is trying to goad you to go further than you feel comfortable with. I totally support what Sebastian says - alcohol and Dom'ing really don't mix. Something bad is going to happen.

I think you need to have a serious chat with her, and by "serious" I mean no roleplay or D/s involved. Talk to each other as adults, and be honest.

I think you could start by telling her pretty much what you told us in your post...

That the idea of hurting her is an incredible turn-on in your fantasies, but when it comes to the reality you feel differently. You understand that a good D/s relationship is important to her, and it seems pretty exciting for you too - but only within the right terms.

Here's the critical thing. You need her help to get you over this mental block about being cruel to her, and you need to make it clear to her that her goading you is not helping. She might think it will help, and that's why she's doing it, so please don't be dismissive of her actions. Just make it clear that you don't think it's the right way to go. She might think that by playing bratty it's part of the act, but in fact it's making you feel less comfortable. Don't expect her to be psychic about your feelings. You need to tell her honestly.

You both have a fantastic incentive to work this through, and by talking completely honestly to each other, without any kind of silly bravado or roleplay then I believe it's the only way to achieve it.

You should also be honest with her that, in the short term, you might not be able to be as "violent" as she seems to want. But she needs to help you out and compromise on that until you feel more comfortable. The goal would be for you to "grow into" being more dominant, but you need her help for you to do that.

IMHO this is a more controlled way to deal with the problem than, for example, inflicting a severe punishment session on her to "cure her" of the goading. It's clear that you don't feel comfortable with that level of cruelty yet - and maybe you never will. But if you don't work this through together I don't see how it can get better.

One other suggestion is to ask your gf to post here too. Of course you'll read what each other is posting, but in a way it might give you a useful avenue of communication.

I hope that makes sense.

Cheers,
Stanley

We spoke last night, and she says things to me like "Honestly, don't hesitate in anything. You can do what ever you want to me when ever you want to me".
For me it's hard to believe. I mean like, isn't that like the best girlfriend in the world? I think so. She has a very high sex drive, as do i. It's just hard for me to believe that she really thinks like that.
It's like "really? I can do ANYTHING? You really want to wake up with bruises from where I've held you down too tight during the night"? Haha seriously, what a perfect sub she is. But my dom skills aren't too great.
You're right, maybe I need to talk more. Or maybe I just need to grow some balls and get it done, then i'll be used to it.

My exes have been the "we have sex to display love" types. I've never experienced a woman quite like my girlfriend. Her sexual attitude seems to be more like that of a mans.

I see what you mean about being intoxicated, but we truly do enjoy it. We do things we wouldn't normally do while sober and drugs and alcohol greatly enhance our sex life. We both love it.

Smallest · Jan 3, 2013

Before I start, I'm just going to say, in regards to your first message- if you don't want to do kink, you don't have to. You can make compromises now and then, or not at all. It's your sex life too and you don't have to do things you don't like. Anyway:

"We've always used substances" and "we love it" are not excuses. Those are large reasons that subs end up injured or dead. You cannot properly judge what is safe and what is not, when a hand on the neck becomes strangling, when a slap will break someone's jaw, etc. If you won't listen, I can't do anything about it, but it is not safe for you and only playing when inhibited is not going to help you learn how to enjoy it.

Second, that's good you had a talk with her. You should set up safe words so she can cry in pain or say 'no' without stopping you (common safe words are the 'light' system, red for stop, yellow for slow down, green for go on). That both gives her a safety from you accidentally continuing over one of her limits, and you the ability to continue without feeling guilty. You should also establish limits- no one has no limits, even if she has none that you would cross.

Regarding what you said to Stanley, you do have to talk more. If you feel you should, you can also just go ahead and do it, but communication is what makes BDSM work. It is what makes it enjoyable for both partners, and it is what makes it safe for everyone involved. If you can't talk to your girlfriend and she keeps passive aggressively trying to get you to play, and you passively try to play when you're drunk, you will probably end up fighting, or at the very least neither of you will get to fully enjoy play.

Your girlfriend seems to enjoy what a lot of people call 'topping from the bottom'- that is, trying to control you despite that she is supposed to be submitting. If she really wants to submit, she should accept that her dom doesn't want to always play her way, and doesn't always like her kinks. When you have another talk with her about this, you should bring up that goading you isn't the way to get what she wants (unless you like that, but it doesn't sound as though you do). She can tell you in conversations as equals, like the one you will be having, or she can do it in scene in a way you like- begging you to, begging you not to, presenting herself for it, etc. I would be careful about calling her a 'perfect sub' at this point- pretty much every sub will say at some point that they will always obey to the exact. All of them are exaggerating, and trying to passive aggressively convince you to play is not a sign that she's obedient. I am not saying she is necessarily a bad sub, or a bad girlfriend, or even that she is disobedient- just that you need to wait to make that sort of judgment (and perhaps before you tell it to her).

I suggest both of you do some research into what kind of dynamic you want to have- Dom/sub (which also divide into protector/'caring' dom/owner/etc and sub/slave/girl/pet/brat/etc), Daddy/girl (and likewise, these roles can be various things, like the 'girl' being a brat, teen, schoolgirl, etc), or something else. After you figure that out, try to figure out what kind of limitations to set on your play- just in the bedroom, certain times of day, when you both feel like it, the amount of power exchange, etc. A 24/7 total power exchange relationship is not good or really safe for new players, even if your girlfriend pushes for it; neither of you have the experience with each other or in general to make it work yet, and it is a heavy (though good) burden to both partners.

If you can figure out what roles you are playing (and this doesn't just mean in RP), you can better establish your rules and figure out how to interact together. It should become more organic after that point.

ETA- I just realized you said you have a safe word established. In that case use your safeword. And you can safeword out as well, if your sub is trying to get you to do something you're uncomfortable with.

Moonlight · Jan 3, 2013

Yep! Drinking and kink do not mix! I do not care how in control you feel you are not. Bad things can happen. I understand though, when I am not pregnant I enjoy mixed drinks and have gotten very buzzed before. We NEVER play if either of us have been drinking, even just me.

On you OP. Oh I get your girlfriend. I do that to my husband. It is fun. Oh the one that still makes me laugh is when he was at the sink getting a drink of water and I couldn't help it. I knew I would not get away but still I hit the cup and he wore the water all down the front of his shirt. To make it worse while he was giving me that I can't believe you just did that look I stood there laughing at him instead of trying to get away. Oh I got it all right. It was fun. I do not have bad memories, it is one of my favorites.

sebastian · Jan 3, 2013

Ritual: If you ignore everything else I say, listen to this: Do NOT do kinky play when you're drunk or high. Eventually, you're going to seriously injure or God forbid kill her. Kink does not mix with drugs or booze.

I'm seeing several dysfunctional things in your relationship.
1) You need to get drunk or high in order to play.
2) Your gf feels a need to taunt you in order to get what she wants.
3) You are doing BDSM out of a sense of anger.
4) Your gf thinks she has no limits. She's wrong. Everyone has limits. Everyone. She apparently is too inexperienced to realize that she has them, or she thinks she's being daring by claiming to not have limits.

Eventually, this scenario is going to go bad. You're going to get drunk, she's going to taunt you, and you're going to get angry enough that you're going to play roughly enough that you're going to hurt or you're going to pass one of her limits and she's going to get upset. The only thing that's stopping this now is that you're held back by your love for her.

A big piece of the issue is your gf, actually. One of two things is going on here. 1) She's 'bratty'. She likes taunting you in order to get you to be rough with her; it's a game for her. This is a common things subs do; some doms like it, others don't. 2) She's emotionally fucked up and is trying to get you to be rough with her because she thinks she deserves it. When she taunts you, she's not playing a game; she's acting out an unhealthy dynamic. The fact that you're uncomfortable being rough with her even though she wants it might be a sign that you instinctively recognize that what you two are doing is unhealthy.

You're the only one here who can tell if 1 or 2 is the case. If it's 2, I think you should stop doing rough sex and have some very serious talks about what's going on. She may need counseling.

If it's 1, you need to have a long talk with her about your play. Find out what her limits are. Whenever a sub tells me he has no limits, my response is "great! So I can beat you til you're crying and bloody, choke you into unconsciousness, then shit on you and make my dog fuck you!" At that point, most of them balk and admit that they do have some limits. Subs need to have limits, because that's how they stay safe physically and emotionally; the ones who actually have no limits whatsoever are mostly seriously damaged emotionally. Hardcore subs have limits. So emphasize to her that you need to know her limits, and she needs to know them as well.

Assuming it's 1, talk to her about her brattiness. Ask her why she's doing it. Do you like it when she does it? If so, then keep playing. If not, tell her to stop it, or set limits on how she can taunt you and how she can't.

Smallest · Jan 3, 2013

sebastian said:
I'm seeing several dysfunctional things in your relationship.
1) You need to get drunk or high in order to play.
2) Your gf feels a need to taunt you in order to get what she wants.
3) You are doing BDSM out of a sense of anger.
4) Your gf thinks she has no limits. She's wrong. Everyone has limits. Everyone. She apparently is too inexperienced to realize that she has them, or she thinks she's being daring by claiming to not have limits.

A big piece of the issue is your gf, actually. One of two things is going on here. 1) She's 'bratty'. She likes taunting you in order to get you to be rough with her; it's a game for her. This is a common things subs do; some doms like it, others don't. 2) She's emotionally fucked up and is trying to get you to be rough with her because she thinks she deserves it. When she taunts you, she's not playing a game; she's acting out an unhealthy dynamic. The fact that you're uncomfortable being rough with her even though she wants it might be a sign that you instinctively recognize that what you two are doing is unhealthy.

Assuming it's 1, talk to her about her brattiness. Ask her why she's doing it. Do you like it when she does it? If so, then keep playing. If not, tell her to stop it, or set limits on how she can taunt you and how she can't.

Thank you, I was trying to find a clear/polite way to say this.

And Ritual, it isn't that none of us have done that, or that none of us use drugs or drink (there was a thread a while ago about mixing BDSM and E, and pretty much everyone drinks- just not for play), but whether or not you enjoy it, and whether or not you get high, doing it when you are playing is dangerous. I don't care if you get high and do whatever in your house, but two things you should not ever do are driving and kink

sebastian · Jan 3, 2013

Smallest said:
Thank you, I was trying to find a clear/polite way to say this.

And Ritual, it isn't that none of us have done that, or that none of us use drugs or drink (there was a thread a while ago about mixing BDSM and E, and pretty much everyone drinks- just not for play), but whether or not you enjoy it, and whether or not you get high, doing it when you are playing is dangerous. I don't care if you get high and do whatever in your house, but two things you should not ever do are driving and kink

Yes, exactly. Although I only drink lightly, and I don't do drugs, I'm not a prude. Get stoned or drunk when you like. Just don't engage in play that could injure someone while in that state.

I don't have it in me

ritualeclipse

New Member

sebastian

Active Member

stanley_jeffries

Member

ritualeclipse

New Member

ritualeclipse

New Member

Smallest

Moderator

Moonlight

Member

sebastian

Active Member

Smallest

Moderator

sebastian

Active Member

Similar threads